Slow Cooker Potato, Beer, Bacon and Cheese Soup

 The time has come for soup weather. It's been hovering around freezing for a couple weeks now, so we're dragging out soup recipes and coming up with new ones. This recipe came about because we had a bag of potatoes that had all sorts of exciting things growing off of them and were close to achieving sentience. We found a slow cooker recipe for potato soup and quickly butchered it. The result was a gallon of tasty and filling soup. If you don't drink, it is still good without the beer. Or use non-alcoholic beer if that's an option. It's up to you. I'm not going to be checking on you to see if you followed the recipe exactly. Apologies for the pic, this soup does NOT photograph well. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Potato, Beer, Bacon, and Cheese Soup
(looks much better in real life)

Ingredients

• 6 cups potatoes, cut into small cubes (I used russets, didn't peel them, and cut them into about 1/4" squares)
• 2 cups minced onion
• 1/2 cup carrots, cut into thin slices
• 1/2 pound bacon (feel free to leave it out if you don't do meat)
• 1 can (10.5 ounces) cream of broccoli soup (you could certainly use just about any cream soup here, though cream of potato might be overkill)
• 5 cups chicken stock (or vegetable stock if you're not into meat)
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 tablespoon Taylor Street Seasoning from Spice House (I know many of you won't have this, or don't want to order it. That's fine. You can just add garlic, Romano cheese, and basil to taste.)
• 1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk
• 1 cup dark beer (I used Budweiser Black Lager. Pick your favorite. Use non-alcoholic if you prefer. Or leave it out if you don't drink. I imagine you could through a couple dashes of Worcestershire sauce in there to get that deeper flavor)
• 4 ounces shredded cheddar cheese (about 1 cup)
• 1 teaspoon dried parsley

Directions

1. In a pan, cook bacon until crisp. Drain and set aside.
2. In a large (6 quart) slow-cooker, add the potato, onion, carrot, bacon, soup, stock, pepper and seasonings. 
3. Set the cooker to HIGH for about 6.5 hours. Stir once about halfway through the time.
4. After the 6.5 hours, stir in the evaporated milk, beer, cheese, and parsley. Leave on HIGH and cook another 30 minutes or until the potatoes are soft.

Good times!

Three Mustard and Bacon Potato Salad

     Who doesn't like potato salad? COMMUNISTS AND BABY EATING FASCISTS, THAT'S WHO. Seriously? There's so many potato salad variants. I can see not liking one or two, but to turn up your nose at all of them would be an unforgivable crime. Especially if you turned your nose up at mine. We all know I produce nothing but pure gold here and if you didn't like something I made, you either screwed it up or are uncultured swine. All kidding aside (I wasn't kidding), this potato salad is dynamite. At least, that's The Wife's verdict. I will admit it is a tasty salad. You can't go wrong with a pound of bacon! The only thing you may find problematic is that it calls for another one of my recipes to make this. You need to have a batch of my Three Mustard Pepper Relish on hand. If you don't have it, or can't make it, I'm not sure what you can do. I imagine a mix of a sweet and spicy mustard and a spicy relish should be a fair (albeit weak) approximation. If you come up with a replacement for my relish, let me know. As always, notes are in blue.

Three Mustard and Bacon Potato Salad

Ingredients

• 4 pounds potatoes, cut into 1" cubes (pick any potato you want. We used russet. Red would be good. I wouldn't recommend sweet)
• 1 pound pepper bacon
• 3 stalks celery, chopped
• 1/2 large red onion, chopped
• 1/3 cup sour cream
• 2/3 cup Three Mustard Pepper Relish

Directions

1. Throw the potatoes into boiling water. Boil 7-10 minutes or until they are just starting to get soft (don't over cook them or they will disintegrate when you go to toss them later). Set aside to cool. 
2. In a pan, cook the bacon until crisp. Drain and crumble the bacon. (don't you dare throw away the grease. Drain it into a clean jar and you can pop it in the fridge for later use. DON'T put the hot jar right into the fridge unless you're a huge fan of cleaning broken glass.)
3. In a small bowl, mix the sour cream and mustard. 
4. Put potatoes in a large bowl. Add bacon and onion. Pour in the sour cream and mustard mix. Toss until all ingredients are incorporated (this gives a nice, thin coat over everything. If you like more dressing in your salad, feel free to add more. Just remember 2 parts mustard relish per 1 part sour cream)
5. Refrigerate at least an hour before serving

Good Times!

The Most Middle Class Midwest Central Illinois Sandwich Ever

     There are just certain things typical to geographic areas. You go to Texas and you're going to get Tex-Mex. You go to Louisiana and you're going to get Cajun. You go to Maine and you're getting seafood. You know what you get when you head into the Midwest? Central Illinois specifically? You're going to get something with Ranch and bacon on it. The fascination with Ranch out here borders on repulsive. The kids put it on everything. Pizza. Burgers. Nuggets. Fries. If they can dip it in a bowl of Ranch, they're going to. I weep for our species. If somebody could invent deep fried Ranch, they could probably make a fortune selling it at the state fair.
     I figured I should just give in to local custom and make something involving a bunch of Ranch. The result is the following sandwich. I'll tell you this: it was super, hella-good. Crazy good. Like hide the leftovers before we eat them good. I felt guilty for throwing together such an uninspired sandwich, but there was no denying its awesomeness. So, if you're interested in a fair representation of typical Central Illinois food, this is a slightly upgraded form of it. Someday I'll tell you about Horseshoes and how every restaurant here serves them!

The Most Middle Class, Midwest,
Central Illinois Sandwich
Ever

Ingredients

• 2 chicken breasts, butterflied and then split into two pieces each (yielding 4 pieces of chicken)
• Old Taylor Street Cheese Sprinkle from the Spice House (if you don't have access to this mix, it's a mix of Romano cheese powder, salt, garlic powder, scallions, powdered green peppercorns, Italian parsley, basil. Good luck figuring out the exact amounts. Maybe just order it or use your favorite spice blend)
• 4 ounces Swiss cheese, thinly sliced
• 1/2 pound thick cut bacon
• 8 slices thick cut bread (we used the ham and cheese bread we made earlier)
• pack of ranch dressing mix
• 16 ounce container of sour cream (yeah, you'll have leftover. Quit whining and use it the rest for vegetable dip)
• red onion, sliced thin
• iceberg lettuce (feel free to throw some tomato on if you'd like)

Directions

1. Mix ranch dressing packet with sour cream. Put it aside for right now.
2. Sprinkle the chicken breast pieces with the spice mix. 
3. Heat a skillet to medium high. Add the bacon and cook until just beginning to crisp. Set aside the bacon and drain all but the a tablespoon or so of the bacon grease.
4. Put the chicken breasts in the pan and cook 5-7 minutes. Turn the chicken and cook another 5-7 minutes. 
5. During the last minute or so of cooking, lay the cheese on the chicken and put a cover on the pan.
6. While the cheese is melting, spread a thick layer of the ranch sour cream mix on each slice of bread. Pile on the lettuce, onion.
7. Add the chicken and bacon. 
8. Eat the hell out of that sandwich.

Someday I'll learn to slice bread evenly.
Good Times!

Linguine with Shrimp and Bacon in Red Wine Cream Sauce

     We love our pasta. If I made pasta every night, The Wife would be the happiest woman in the world. She'd also weigh 400 pounds and hold me responsible. Anyways, we love pasta. And shrimp. And bacon. I figured I'd combine them all into a new pasta dish. The addition of red wine was, in my humble opinion, a great idea. We used a red table wine and it gave the sauce a really good flavor. If liquor is not an option for your cooking, just use an equal amount of stock. Give it a try and let me know what you think! Unless you don't like it, in which case leave me the hell alone. As always, notes are in blue.

Linguine with Shrimp and Bacon
in Red Wine Cream Sauce

Ingredients

• 1/2 pound bacon, diced
• 1 pound shrimp
• 1/2 large red onion, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons tomato paste
• 3/4 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup red wine
• 1/4 cup stock (you can use the water from cooking the shrimp)
• 1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• black pepper to taste

Directions

1. In a pan, cook the bacon until starting to crisp. Drain, saving 1 tablespoon of the bacon drippings. Remove bacon to a paper towel.
2. In a medium pot, boil the shrimp for a few minutes, until pink. Peel and remove tails. Put shrimp aside to drain. (Leave the tails in the peelings in the water to boil. That will serve as your stock)
3. In the pan with the grease, set heat to medium high. Add onion and garlic and sautee for 5-7 minutes. Do not let the garlic brown too much. 
4. Stir in the stock and the tomato paste. Bring to a simmer. Add the wine and simmer, stirring until the tomato paste is totally incorporated. 
5. Lower heat and add cream, and Parmesan. Stir until cheese is incorporated. (If you think the sauce is too thick, cut it with a little more stock)
6. Cook pasta until al dente. Drain and return to pot. Pour sauce in over pasta. Toss with chopped parsley and black pepper. 

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Spicy Macaroni and Cheese with Bacon

     When I was a kid, macaroni and cheese was something that came out of a box. It used powder and milk and butter. That was it. That was the only way I knew it. Eventually, I was introduced to the mac & cheese that had the pack of liquid cheese. It wasn't until years into my marriage that I discovered you could make mac & cheese without it coming out of a box. I also learned you could have meat other than hot dogs mixed in to it. This particular recipe is proof humble mac & cheese doesn't have to be boring. It's got all sorts of good things going on. It's got plenty of cheese. It's got bacon. It's got a spicy kick. It's definitely some solid comfort food. 

Slow Cooker Spicy Macaroni & Cheese
with Bacon

Ingredients

• 4 cups elbow macaroni
• 1/4 pound bacon
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 can (10 ounces) diced tomatoes with jalapeno peppers, undrained
• 1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk
• 1/2 cup milk
• 8 ounces shredded Mexican cheese
• 4 ounces shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup Louisiana Hot Wing Sauce (or hot sauce of choice. Or leave the hot sauce out if you're a big baby)

Directions

• Cook the pasta according to the directions, but take the pasta out about 2 minutes earlier than the package says. Drain and mix the butter in with the pasta.
• Dice bacon and cook in a pan until the bacon is browned and starting to get crispy. Drain and set on a paper towel to soak up excess grease.
• In a large bowl, throw in the pasta and the rest of the ingredients. Dump it all into a slow-cooker greased with non-stick cooking spray (as always, just coat the bowl of the slow-cooker. Coating the entire slow-cooker isn't going to do you any good)
• Cook on HIGH for 3 hours
• NOTE: If you don't want to use a slow cooker, you could probably get away with putting it in a greased baking dish and into an oven preheated at 375F (190C, Gasmark 5) for about 30-40 minutes. I've not tried that, so keep an eye on it if you do it in the stove!

Good Times!

The Pork Hat Trick

     Man, do I love pork. I love pork in all its wonderful forms. It's so versatile; you can eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Granted, the same could be said for Cap'n Crunch, but there you have it. I have been wanting to do some form of goofy pork loin in the smoker for a while now. I figured pork inside pork wrapped in pork was the way to go. This recipe, due to time and labor, qualifies as a certified Pain In The Ass. Mind you, it's totally worth it. I apologize in advance for the vagueness about cooking time. If you're using a smoker, you've already committed to a big hunk of time. Just check the temp regularly. Throw some chicken on the smoker, too. That will be ready before the pork so you'll have something to snack on. See how I take care of you? What do I get for it? Heartache. You're driving me to an early grave.

The Pork Hat Trick

Ingredients

• 2.5-3 pound pork loin
• 1 pound pork sausage with sage
• 1 pound thick cut bacon
• 3 sprigs dried rosemary
• 3 tablespoons Three Mustard Pepper Relish
• Uncle Joe's Rubdown
• olive oil
• apple juice

Directions

1. With a fillet or other sharp knife, butterfly the pork loin. How do you butterfly a pork loin? Follow this handy link to a fine set of instructions (that I did not write). You should end up with a 1/2" or so thick rectangle of pork.
2. Spread a layer of the mustard pepper relish evenly across the pork.
3. Spread the pork sausage in an even layer over the relish.

   

   I suppose you could just chuck it in the oven and bake it at this point.
   MEAT PIZZA

4. Sprinkle with the dried rosemary. 
5. Here's where things get fun. Roll up the loin, jelly-roll style. Then, wrap it with the bacon. Use what ever method you'd like for the bacon, weave it, drape it, you pick. Once you have the bacon situated, take some butcher's twine and go full bondage on that bad boy. You don't want it unraveling. Wipe down the twine with olive oil to keep the twine from burning.
   

   

   50 Shades of Pork

6. Sprinkle the rub onto the roast. If you don't have Uncle Joe's you're missing out and will have to use something else.
7. Get that bad boy out to your smoker. Smoke the loin until an instant read thermometer gives you around 160F. Occasionally spray the loin with apple juice to keep it moist. I smoked mine for three or so hours. Can't say for sure. I was drinking. Time may depend on how hot your smoker is running. Alternately, throw it in the oven at 375F until the desired temp is reached. 

   

   ACTION SHOT. 

8. Once the desired internal temperature is reached, take it off the heat and let it rest for 10-15 minutes. It's been through a lot and needs time to collect itself. Congratulate yourself on a job well done with your sixth Jim Beam and Mr. Pibb of the day.
9. After resting, slice that bastard up and eat until you're sick. Which is entirely possible if you didn't cook it long enough.

Good times!

Cheeseburger Jalapeno Poppers

     Year after year I can count on my garden to produce insane amounts of peppers. There's only so many peppers I can pickle or make into relish. Surplus peppers are almost always stuffed and frozen for later. Banana peppers normally end up Sriracha Stuffed, but I wanted to do something different for my jalapenos. This particular mix really does taste like a cheeseburger! I might actually use that meat mix for other recipes. I'm resourceful like that. If you go to make these, don't be a dummy like me. Remember not to touch your eyes or nostrils. Also, assembly is messy, so have paper towels on hand. I can guarantee you'll love these and they will be a hit at any party!* As always, any notes are in blue.

Cheeseburger Jalapeno Poppers
(banana pepper poppers if you're a wuss)

Ingredients

• 1 lb. ground beef
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 teaspoons dried minced onion
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• 1 tablespoon yellow mustard
• 2 tablespoons ketchup (or catsup if you prefer)
• around 2 dozen larger jalapeno peppers (if you're a big baby and heat is an issue, you can use banana peppers, but you won't fill as many since they tend to be a bit bigger than jalapenos. I did a mix of the two for my most recent batch since The Wife is breast feeding and I have this image of The Spud breathing fire)

Directions

1. Cut the ends off the peppers and core them out, being careful to not cut through the sides of the peppers. Make sure to remove all the seeds. Set peppers aside. 
2. Heat oil in a pan. Add beef and cook until browned. About halfway into the cooking, add the onion and garlic powder.
3. Once the meat is browned, drain off the grease and make sure the meat is broken into very small pieces. Mix in the mustard, ketchup and cheese. Stir until cheese has melted completely into the meat. You may need to keep the heat on low for this.
4. Take the meat off the heat. (BONUS FOR RHYMING)
5. Fill each pepper with the still warm meat mixture. If you let it cool, the cheese will start to set and make it very hard to get into the peppers. Use whatever method you feel is best to fill the peppers. If you've got really small fingers, you'll do fine. I generally do it Civil War style and load a small charge of meat in and then ramrod it in with a chopstick. Fill the peppers to the top.
6. If you have one of those jalapeno popper racks, this step is easy. 

   

   I'm talking about one of these guys.

   Fill a rack and put them in the oven at 375F (190C, Gasmark5) for about 20-25 minutes or until the peppers start to blister. Make sure you put a drip pan under this or you're in for a world of hurt come cleanup as these will leak grease. If you don't have this rack, or are using banana peppers, lay a sheet of foil or silpat mat on a baking sheet. Cook about the same amount of time, turning the peppers once so they blister evenly. 
7. Remove peppers from oven and let set for 5-10 minutes
8. Bonus idea: cook bacon halfway and then wrap it around the peppers, securing it with toothpicks. Finish cooking and you have bacon-cheeseburger poppers!
9. Bonus idea #2: Wrap peppers in canned biscuit dough for a greasy cheesburger popper in a bun!

Good times!

* I totally can not guarantee that.

Clam Chowder

     I loves me some clam chowder. I fondly remember ordering at family restaurants and getting that sickly white, ultra-thick concoction that smelled faintly of a fire on a fishing boat. I couldn't get enough of that stuff. Then I grew up and realized that it wasn't really supposed to look or taste like that and I'm very lucky I didn't get food poisoning and die from dysentery.

Or snakebite. Always the damned snakebite.

     I was glad to find a recipe for clam chowder that I feel is a bit closer to the intended look and taste. I can't say for sure as I've never had clam chowder in New England. I imagine it would taste just like this, but everyone would be talking with funny accents about how they're going "to wahk theah dahg in Havahd Pahk aftah dahk." This soup was fantastic and will enter the regular rotation. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Clam Chowder
via Best-Ever Soups

Ingredients

• 3-3/4 oz salt pork or thinly sliced unsmoked bacon (let's just derail right away and use a half pound of bacon. BACON FTW!)
• 1 large onion, chopped (we used a Vidalia, figuring the sweetness would work well here)
• 2 potatoes, peeled and cut into cubes
• 1 bay leaf (remember to remove bay leaves before serving! Leave that bay leaf in there and you'll choke like the St. Louis Blues in a Stanley Cup Playoff)
• 1 fresh thyme sprig (none on hand. I used about 1/8 tsp. dried thyme)
• 1-1/4 cups milk
• 14 oz cooked clams, cooking liquid reserved (we used 3 cans at 6.5 oz each. Go big or go home. Unless you're already at home. Then maybe go outside)
• 2/3 cup heavy cream
• salt (I used pink Himalayan. Not even kidding), ground white pepper (a scant 1/8 tsp) and cayenne pepper (1/4 tsp)
• Finely chopped parsley, to garnish

Directions

1. Put the bacon (who are you fooling with the salt pork? We know you're using bacon) in a pan (we used the trusty enameled Dutch oven) and heat gently, stirring frequently, until the fat runs and the meat is starting to brown.
2. Add the chopped onion and fry over a low heat until softened but not brown.
3. Add the potato, bay leaf and thyme. Stir well to coat with fat, then pour in the milk and clam liquid; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about 10 minutes or until the potatoes are tender but still firm. Lift out the bay leaf (OR CHOKE AND DIE) and the thyme sprig (if you used it) and discard them.
4. Remove the shells from most of the clams (AHAHAHA, no. My butler was too busy synchronizing all of my Rolex watches. As previously stated, I used canned clams). Add all the clams to the pot and season to taste with salt, pepper and cayenne.
5. Simmer gently for 5 minutes more, then stir in the cream. Heat until the soup is very hot, but do not allow it to boil. Pour into a tureen (the butler knows where the tureen is kept, but as mentioned, he was busy with my Rolexes. I used regular bowls). Garnish with chopped parsley and serve. 

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Loaded Baked Potato Casserole

Once again we turn to the trusty slow cooker to burn through surplus ingredients. We had plenty of potatoes and green onions on hand. We also had some sour cream getting ready to go off. We didn't have any bacon, but we did have bacon bits. They worked, but game the dish a queasy pink hue. In the end, it worked. It had all the flavors you'd expect from a loaded baked potato. Would it have been easier to just pop a couple spuds in the oven and then put on the toppings? Yes. Yes it would. There's a lesson to be learned here, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Loaded Baked Potato Casserole

Ingredients

• 2 pounds potatoes, washed and cut into 1/2" cubes
• 2 scallions, chopped
• 3 tablespoons bacon bits (if you're not down with bacon bits, feel free to use real bacon. You'll likely need about 1/2 pound, cooked until crisp and then crumbled into the mixture.)
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 pound sour cream
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl and dump unceremoniously into a slow cooker that has been sprayed with nonstick cooking spray.
2. Cook on LOW for about 5 hours (cooking time may vary. At five hours, give it a taste. You'll know right away if the potatoes aren't done)

Good times!

Braised Eggplant with Bacon and Tomatoes

     I'm forever on the fence about eggplant. On its own, I really want nothing to do with it. I do, however, love The Wife's Eggplant Parmigiana.  The reason I'm going on about eggplant is that our garden is yielding an unprecedented bumper crop of these bad boys. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I consulted my copy of The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook and found an intriguing recipe involving eggplant, bacon and tomato. This recipe was good on a number of different levels. For one thing, it was very easy to make. It called for a few simple ingredients and came together easily. Second, it was packed with flavor. We served it on brown rice and the first thing we both said was that it tasted very much like fried rice you would get in a restaurant. This one is definitely a winner and will grace our table again! As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Braised Eggplant with Bacon and Tomatoes
via The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook

Ingredients

• 6 bacon strips, cut into 2-inch sections
• 4 tomatoes, peeled and quartered (we didn't peel them because we're lazy. We also cut them into eighths because they were really big). 
• 1 eggplant, peeled and cut into 1-inch cubes (we also soaked them in water and teaspoon of salt for about half an hour. Then we drained the water. The Wife assures me this is some form of sorcery that removes the "impurities" and "humours" from the eggplant)
• 1 to 2 garlic cloves, crushed (there is no such thing as too much garlic. If you want 12 cloves in there, go crazy. I'm definitely using more garlic next time)
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• pepper to taste

Directions

1. Place bacon in a cold pan (we used our enameled cast iron dutch oven), then heat and brown lightly. Do not pour off the fat. Add garlic and stir-fry for a couple minutes.
2. Add eggplant cubes and stir-fry to coat with the bacon fat. Reduce heat to medium and cook, covered about 5 minutes, or until eggplant has softened (we left the lid off, because that's what badasses do). Stir once or twice during this time.
3. Gently stir in tomatoes. Reduce heat to low and cook, covered, until eggplant is done, about 5 minutes more. Season with salt and pepper (we added the salt as soon as we put in the tomatoes, since this helps to break the tomatoes down a bit). 
4. Serve over brown rice. Or white rice. Or noodles. Or Cap'n Crunch. Whatever floats your boat. 

UPDATE: Here's a link to the YouTube video for this recipe! You're welcome!

Good times!

Bacon Pecan Sweet Rolls

     It began one morning when I asked The Wife if she wanted bacon for breakfast. She replied that if we did that, we'd have a bunch left over and what would we do with it? The conversation quickly degenerated into a discussion of bacon-related ideas. This recipe is the culmination of those ideas. We never did have bacon for breakfast. I think I had a bagel and lox and she had grits and fried eggs. Anyways, I found a breakfast roll recipe in my trusty copy of Taste of Home: Everyday Light Meals and promptly cannibalized it. The result was well beyond our expectations. These rolls are phenomenally good and frighteningly large. We generally have to split one. Good luck not eating the whole pan. As always, any notes are in blue.

Bacon Pecan Sweet Rolls

Ingredients

• 1 package (.25 ounce) active dry yeast
• 1/2 cup warm water (110-115F, 43-46C)
• 2 cups warm milk (110-115F, 43-46C)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup whole wheat flour
• 6 cups all purpose flour
• 1 cup brown sugar, separated into one 1/2 cup and two 1/4 cup measures
• 1/2 cup maple syrup, separated into two 1/4 cup measures
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1-1/2 cup pecans
• 12 ounces applewood smoked bacon

For Icing

• 1 cup confectioner's sugar
• 4 teaspoons milk
• 1 tablespoon of crumbled bacon and pecans (you'll see where they get crumbled down in the instructions. Remain calm)

Directions

1. Line two baking sheets with foil. Spray with nonstick cooking spray. 
2. On one sheet, lay out the bacon in strips. Sprinkle evenly with one of the 1/4 cups of brown sugar
3. On the other pan, spread the pecans in a single layer. Sprinkle evenly with the other 1/4 cup of brown sugar.
4. Put the pans in an oven preheated to 350F (180C, Gasmark 4). (things get a bit tricky here. You're going to want to make sure the bacon is getting crispy and the sugar caramelized, without burning the sugar or the nuts. You're going to just have to check in every 5 minutes or so. After 10 minutes, the nuts were as caramelized as they were going to get without burning.The bacon went another 5-10 minutes. If you smell smoke, you fucked up and burned everything. At that point, just stop and fix yourself a drink) When done, remove from oven and allow to cool.
5. Crumble the bacon and crush the nuts (You could do this by hand if you prefer large pieces. I put mine in a small blender and pulsed it until there were small pieces and the nuts were starting to turn to dust). Reserve 1 tablespoon of this mixture for later use.
6. In a mixing bowl, dissolve yeast in warm water. Stir in warm milk, salt, whole wheat flour, 1/4 cup maple syrup, vanilla extract and 3 cups of flour. Beat until smooth (I used the Kitchenaid with a dough hook for this step) Add in enough of the remaining flour to form a soft dough (the syrup makes this dough super sticky. I added a full 3 extra cups of flour before the dough was workable) Knead dough 6-8 minutes, until smooth and elastic. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1-1/4 hours.
7. Punch dough down. Turn onto a floured surface and knead a few more times. Roll into an 18 inch square. Spread bacon and pecan mixture to within 1/2 inch of the edges. Do the same with the remaining 1/2 cup of brown sugar. Evenly pour the other 1/4 cup of maple syrup over the rest (why the hell not? At this point, you might as well just turn in your pancreas) Roll up jelly-roll style. Pinch seam to seal. Cut into 12 pieces. Place in a 13"x9"x2" baking dish coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and let rise, about 30 minutes (I suggest covering it loosely with some plastic wrap coated with nonstick cooking spray, then lay a towel over the whole thing. If you put the towel right on top, you're going to get the towel stuck to the rolls. Don't ask me how I know this)

   

   It took The Wife and I both to roll this thing up
   because the damned thing was sticking to the counter.

8. Bake at 350F (180C, Gasmark 4) for 30 minutes or until lightly browned (cooking times may vary.) Cool on a wire rack for 30 minutes.
9. For the glaze, combine confectioner's sugar, reserved bacon/pecan mix and 4 teaspoons of milk. Stir until sugar has dissolved (you may need to add more milk to keep this from being the consistency of Spackle) Pour evenly over the tops of the rolls. 

Good times!

Chicken Bacon Pockets

     Every now and then I find a recipe that you can't possibly dislike. Well, I suppose you could, but it probably means you're deficient in some way. This particular recipe combines all sorts of good stuff. It's got chicken, bacon and canned dough. What's not to love? For me, it was the possibility of being bland. The judicious application of barbecue sauce and some green onion fixed that. I'm calling this recipe a winner. This is a super weeknight quick meal. If you make it using crescent rolls, you'll get four. If you use biscuit dough, you should get five, but they'll be a bit smaller. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Chicken Bacon Pockets
via 101 Things To Do With Bacon

Ingredients

• 4 ounces cream cheese, room temperature (as always, we used neufchatel, to keep the fat down)
• 2 tablespoons milk
• 2 cups cooked, chopped chicken
• 8 strips bacon, cooked and crumbled (and don't you dare throw the grease away. Save it in a jar in the fridge for later. It's a key ingredients in Bootleg Cheddar Bay Biscuits)
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1/4 cup barbecue sauce (not in original recipe, we decided this would be a bit bland without some form of extra kick)
• 2 tablespoons finely chopped green onions (also not in the original recipe)
• 2 cans (8 ounces each) refrigerated crescent rolls (we used 1 can of 10 buttermilk biscuits)
• 2 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
• 1 tablespoon sesame seeds (we used them, but omitting them will not notably change anything)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F (177C, Gasmark 4)
2. In a bowl, mix the cream cheese and milk until smooth; add the chicken, bacon and pepper (and barbecue sauce, if using) and stir until combined.
3. Unroll crescent rolls and separate dough into 8 rectangles, pressing along the diagonal to seal, creating 4 "pockets" (we took 2 biscuits at a time and rolled them together into a large disc. You'll get 5 of these discs)
4. Equally divide filling and spoon onto the bottom half of each dough rectangle. Fold dough over the filling, pinch the edges to seal, and crimp the edges with a fork. (we loaded the center of each disc, then pulled the dough up around the filling. We then flipped the entire thing over, so the seam side was down. It looked kind of like a big dumpling)
5. Brush each pocket with melted butter and sprinkle with sesame seeds.
6. Transfer to a baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes or until golden brown. Makes 4 servings (5 if you use biscuits)

Good times!

Bootleg Cheddar Bay Biscuits

     Red Lobster is one of those restaurants I like despite the fact I should know better. You just can't say no to unlimited shrimp or crab legs. One of my fondest memories is going to Red Lobster with The Wife and watching her eat crab legs. She would just bend the legs until BANG! Crab meat on the table. Crab meat on the wall. Crab meat in her hair. Crab meat on my glasses.

It was similar to this, but with crab meat.

Truly, it was inspiring. Naturally, any trip to Red Lobster would be punctuated by cramming as many Cheddar Bay Biscuits into our bodies as was possible. Then we'd ask for a bunch extra and a to-go box. If we didn't leave with a dozen biscuits, we weren't trying hard enough. Eventually, I figured I should just figure out how to make them myself and save the trip and inevitable hammersmash of crab meat. I searched the interwebs and found a couple recipes (the main biscuit recipe and a Biscuit knockoff) that I combined and modified into what we feel is a damned close approximation of the Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Don't eat these right away. Give them about an hour for the butter to settle in. Then pop one in the microwave one for about 30 seconds and tell me it's not the real deal. As always, changes and notes are in blue.

Bootleg Cheddar Bay Biscuits

 Ingredients

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1-1/2 tablespoons baking powder
• 1/2 tablespoon salt
• 1/2 cup solid bacon grease (every home-made Biscuit recipe I saw said to use shortening. I used bacon grease because I felt it would add a nice flavor. Also, it's all I had on hand. I'm not making a special trip for shortening) 
• 3/4 cup milk
• 4 tablespoons butter
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 heaping cup grated cheddar cheese

For Brushing on Top

• 2 tablespoons melted butter
• 1/4 teaspoon dried parsley
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• pinch of salt

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F (200C, Gasmark 6)
2. Mix flour, baking powder and salt in large bowl (generally you are instructed to sift these items into the bowl, to which I say, "bite me.")
3. Cut in bacon grease until mixture starts to make large crumbs.
4. Add milk, cheese, 1 teaspoon garlic powder. Mix until combined (I used the Kitchenaid for a few seconds. Don't overdo the mixing, though)
5. Drop 1/4 cup portions (I just used an ice cream scoop) of the dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 15-17 minutes or until tops of the biscuits turn light brown.
6. In a small bowl, mix the melted butter, parsley, 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder and salt.  When the biscuits come out of the oven, brush the butter mixture over the tops (use it all. To not use all this mixture would be a mortal sin).

Good times!

Bacon Swiss Mini Tarts

     I keep expecting the whole bacon craze to play out, but it is still going strong. People will eat just about anything these days if it incorporates bacon. I'm fairly sure I could serve up cat turds wrapped in bacon and somebody would eat them. What I'm getting at is that there's no shortage of bacon recipes. The wife bought me a book of 101 bacon related recipes for my birthday. I only just got around to trying one out. This particular snacketizer was pretty good. However, I think there was far too much mayo going on here. It managed to overpower most of the other flavors, which is a bit gross. I think a swap out with a bit of cream cheese would be the fix. As always, notes and comments are in blue.

Bacon Swiss Mini Tart
via: 101 Things To Do With Bacon

Ingredients

• 8 strips bacon, cooked and crumbled
• 1 tomato, chopped
• 1/4 cup finely minced onion
• 3/4 cup grated Swiss cheese
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise (I'm going to tell you again that this is WAY too much mayo. I'd cut it back to 1/4 cup mayo and add 1/4 cup cream cheese)
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh basil (I used a teaspoon of dried)
• 1 can (16 ounces) refrigerated flaky buttermilk biscuits (I don't think mine were "flaky." They may have just been regular old biscuits)
• 1-2 teaspoons hot sauce of your choice

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F degrees and grease a mini muffin pan (this marks the very first time I have used the mini muffin pan. To this point it has sat sullenly in the back of the cabinet)
2. In a bowl, combine bacon, tomato, onion cheese, mayo and basil (Wouldn't it have been easier to say "combine everything except the biscuits?" Why do people needlessly complicate things? This is why I can't leave the house without sedating myself first)
3. Separate biscuits horizontally (I'm not laying on the ground to separate biscuits. I just stood right at the counter and did it) and press halves into mini muffin pan. Fill each biscuit half with some of the bacon mixture. 
4. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown (we went about 15-18 minutes)

Good Times!

Vinegar Braised Chicken and Onions

    Cooking in a Dutch oven is awesome. It feels like high-end slow cooking. It also makes wonderful meals. You may remember me raving about the Baked Daube Provencal I made last year. Maybe you didn't. OK, it's more than likely you didn't. Go read the post now, I'll wait. Back? All right. Anyways, I found this recipe in an issue of Bon Appetit. Naturally, I had to make some changes to compensate for lack of requested ingredients. I figure onions are onions and I can't be bothered to make a special trip to the store. I was a bit leery of this recipe. A bunch of vinegar and raisins added in there didn't sound like a great idea, but it worked. We served it up with an Oven Gratin of Potatoes. I'd definitely make this one again. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Vinegar Braised Chicken and Onions
via Bon Appetit

Ingredients

• 2 pounds cipolline or pearl onions (Didn't have either of these. I used two pounds of yellow and red onions)
• Kosher salt
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 8 ounces pancetta (Italian bacon), cut into 1/4-inch pieces (Nope. I used regular bacon.)
• 4 garlic cloves, peeled, crushed
• 5 pounds skin-on bone-in chicken pieces (breasts, thighs, and/or legs; breasts halved crosswise)
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 3/4 cup balsamic vinegar
• 3/4 cup red wine vinegar
• 2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
• 1/2 cup golden raisins
• 2 bay leaves

Directions

1. Cook onions in a large pot of boiling salted water until tender, 5-8 minutes. Drain and let cool. Trim root ends; peel (I totally ignored most of this step. I just peeled and sliced the onions and moved on).
2. Meanwhile, heat oil in a large heavy pot over medium heat. Add pancetta to pot and cook, stirring occasionally, until fat is rendered and pancetta is brown, 8-10 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer pancetta to a large bowl.
3. Add onions to same pot and cook, stirring occasionally, until beginning to brown, 8-10 minutes. Add garlic and cook, stirring often, until fragrant, about 3 minutes. Transfer onions and garlic to bowl with pancetta.
4. Season chicken with salt and pepper. Working in batches, add chicken to pot skin side down and cook, turning, until browned on all sides, 10-15 minutes per batch; transfer to bowl with onions.
5. Carefully drain fat from pot and return to medium-high heat. Add both vinegars to pot and bring to a boil, stirring and scraping up any browned bits from bottom of pot. Add broth, raisins, bay leaves, and reserved chicken, pancetta, onions, and garlic to pot. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer, partially covered, until chicken is fork-tender, 35-40 minutes.
6. Using a slotted spoon, transfer chicken and onions to a large platter. Skim fat from cooking liquid and discard. Remove bay leaves (remember what my mom taught us: bay leaves left in a dish will lead to a choking death every time), and season sauce with salt and pepper. Spoon sauce over chicken and onions.

Good times!

Slow Cooker Parmesan Potato Soup

     The Wife loves her soup. It doesn't matter the weather. It could be 115F outside and she'll ask me to make soup. She'll also be drinking hot coffee, so I may be dealing with some larger defect here. Anyways, she loves soup, so I make soup. This particular recipe came out of Taste of Home Slow Cooker.  This is a great cold weather soup. Big hunks of potato, lots of bacon and a creamy broth. One bowl of this and I'm full. But not for long because I'm also lactose intolerant and this uses a goodly amount of heavy cream. I'll leave you to come up with your own imagery. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Parmesan Potato Soup
via Taste of Home Slow Cooker

Ingredients

• 8 medium potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes (I actually peeled the potatoes this time!)
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 jar (7 ounces) roasted red peppers, drained and chopped (make sure you peel off any skin on the peppers unless you like it floating around in the soup)
• 1 small celery rib, chopped
• 6 cups chicken broth
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon rubbed sage
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 cups heavy whipping cream, divided
• 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese, divided
• 8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
• 2 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro (we went with a teaspoon of dried)

Directions

1. In a 5 or 6 quart slow cooker, combine the vegetables, broth and seasonings (naturally, I attempted to load it all in a 2.5 quart cooker. It was fine until the part where I had to add more liquid). Cover and cook on LOW for 5-6 hours or until vegetables are tender.
2. In a small bowl, combine flour and 1/2 cup cream until smooth; add to slow cooker. Stir in 3/4 cup cheese, bacon, cilantro and remaining cream. Cover and cook for 30 minutes or until slightly thickened. 
3. Ladle into bowls; sprinkle with remaining cheese (I always love recipes that instruct you to plate your food. You know, in case you were planning on just standing there at the stove shoveling soup into your craw right out of the pot. Maybe you were. I'm not here to judge).

Good times!

Three Pork Meat Sauce (Tre Sugo Di Maiale)

     We recently bought into a share of an organically grown pig. The result was over 20 pounds of fine pork products. We decided the way to celebrate was by making a meat sauce with our go-to red sauce recipe. The result was delicious. We used ground pork, bacon and a neck bone. I used to watch my dad make sauce with neck bones and had never tried it myself. I'm glad I did. Thanks dad! Naming it wasn't hard. It's a sauce with three kinds of pork! I decided to throw in the Google Translate Italian version of the name. I think it literally comes out as just "Three Pork Sauce." Regardless, you can't go wrong throwing this over a bowl of your favorite pasta! As always, any notes are in blue.

Three Pork Meat Sauce
(Tre Sugo Di Maiale)

Ingredients

• 1 quart prepared pasta sauce (it will add a bunch of cooking time to prep, but I suggest using this red sauce recipe)
• 1 quart canned whole tomatoes, undrained
• 1 pound ground pork
• 1 pork neck bone
• 6 ounces bacon, diced
• 1/2 large sweet onion, finely chopped
• 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar

Directions

1. In a large Dutch oven, heat oil. Cook neck bone 3-5 minutes on each side, until browned. Remove and set aside. Add bacon, onion and celery. Cook over medium heat until bacon is crisp. Drain excess oil (don't just throw it away! Strain it into a jar for later use. I always have bacon grease in the fridge for all sorts of uses). 

   

   I could probably stop right here and still be happy with the meal.

2. Turn heat to high. Deglaze the Dutch oven using the red wine vinegar. (Make sure to scrape up all the brown stuff off the bottom; you don't want to waste that extra flavor!) Bring heat to low.
3. In a separate pan, cook ground pork until browned. Drain excess grease.
4. Add ground pork and neckbone to Dutch oven. Add all remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce to a low simmer. Simmer with the lid off for at least one hour (the longer you simmer, the thicker the sauce will get. I let mine go for about two hours. Just stop simmering when it hits the desired consistency).

Good times!

Bacon and Lemon Herbed Turkey

     Nothing says Thanksgiving like a well-made turkey perfectly carved and served up on a fancy platter. One out of three isn't bad. I can give you well-made. The rest is up to you. I know many people love that crispy golden skin on a turkey. I don't really care about that. For me, the skin is there to help store all sorts of good things to flavor the meat. I've messed around with a couple versions of this type of turkey, but I feel this is the final iteration. I am very pleased. The meat is suspiciously tender and is infused with hints of lemon, bacon and herbs. This, my dear friends, is a winner. As always, any notes are in blue.

Bacon and Lemon Herbed Turkey

Ingredients

• 1 turkey (we used a 13 pound bird for this recipe)
• 1 pound thick cut bacon (use whatever kind you want. Applewood smoked, hickory, whatever)
• 1 lemon, thinly sliced
• 2 sticks butter, separated
• 1 tablespoon dried Italian herbs (basil, oregano, thyme, marjoram, rosemary and sage)
• 1 large onion, quartered
• Uncle Joe's Rub Down

Directions

1. Make sure the bird is defrosted and all the fun stuff is removed from inside. (I'll normally throw those spare parts in the roaster with the bird and serve them to the dogs later. I'll save the neck to throw at the unruly neighborhood children)
2. Take your hand and slide it between the skin and the meat of the bird. Gently work your hand around to separate the skin from the meat the best you can without tearing the skin. (This whole process feels genuinely wrong. I always apologize to the bird when I do this)

   

   I know we've only just met...

3. Mix one of the sticks of butter with the herbs until the herbs are evenly distributed through the butter. Start grabbing handfuls and get your hand back in under the skin. Spread the butter around under the skin the best you can. 
4. Gently lift the skin and lay the lemon slices between the meat and skin. Do the same with a quarter pound of the bacon (It's going to get crowded under the skin. Don't worry too much about having it be neat and tidy under there. The important part is to get it evenly distributed without tearing the skin)
5. Take the other stick of butter and the onion and put it in the cavity of the bird.
6. Shake a coat of Uncle Joe's Rub Down over the skin of the bird (feel free to use any rub or seasoning mix you like. I'm just partial to this stuff)
7. Take the remaining bacon and use it to cover the bird (I absolutely can't be bothered to make a bacon weave)

   

   See? No weave and it looks fine. I can't be bothered with frippery.

8. Load the bird into a roaster and cover it with a tinfoil tent (if you have time, feel free to make yourself a hat to block government mind-control rays. It never hurts to be careful)
9. Load the bird into an oven preheated to 325F. Cook until a meat thermometer reads an internal temperature of 165F (This took about 4 hours for our bird. It may take more or less time depending on your stove, size of the bird, altitude, relative humidity, astrological sign, etc. You could always use the old trick of seeing if the leg just pulls off. That usually means the turkey is done. Or has leprosy. It's not an exact science)
10. Once the bird has reached the required temperature, take it out and let it rest for 15 minutes or so (You've already violated it quite a bit. Give it a moment or two before you attack it with the knife. This is a good time to make sure everything else for your meal is done, or to have a cocktail or six)
11. Take the bacon off the top of the bird and set it aside for later snacking. Pull the skin off the bird and clear off the remaining bacon and lemon from under the skin. (Do not be alarmed when you see that you do not have a golden, crisp skin. It's going to be pretty squishy. Just pull it off. You want to get at the now tender and delicious meat).
12. Inexpertly maul the turkey and throw the meat on a platter. Eat until sleepy.

Good times!