'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

 We are about halfway through September and the garden is still throwing habanero peppers like it's mad at us. The Wife is making noises about giving some of them away, and that just won't do. So I decided to make a hot sauce recipe that uses two dozen peppers a batch. I did. This one is a real roller coaster ride. It's like a Saturday morning with a six-year old in the house. It starts off nice and pleasant and then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. That's the best way I can describe it. More specifically, it's got a bright, slightly fruity taste. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I could probably make some absolutely deadly hot-wings. Possibly add a few drops to a Bloody Mary. Maybe just drink it straight if I wanted to scream for a while. Basically a lovely flavor plays around in your mouth as you burn.

This recipe will yield 1-1/2 pints of sauce. If you own a Insta-Pot Ace blender, you can actually do everything but the canning step in the blender by running the puree program. 

Give it a spin and tell me what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

Ingredients

• 2 dozen habanero peppers, stems removed (don't you even think about removing the seeds, you big baby)
• 2 red bell peppers, chopped
• 1 white onion, chopped
• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh sage
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1/4 cup white tequila (if you don't do alcohol, just omit and split the difference between more vinegar and lime juice)

Directions

1. Put all the ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth.
2. Pour contents of blender into a non-reactive pot. Heat to a simmer for about 10 minutes. 
3. Return to the blender (or use an immersion blender) to ensure everything is totally liquefied. 
4. If you're not going to can this sauce, you're done. 

   

   Fire in the hole!

5. If you are canning, fill three half pint jars to 1/4 inch headspace and secure lid and ring. Process in a boiling water bath for about 12-15 minutes. As always, review canning procedures at The National Center for Home Food Preservation to make sure you don't accidentally poison anyone. 

Good times!

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce

 Holy shit did the garden throw a lot of cucumbers at us. There's only so many cucumber sandwiches, or tomato/cucumber/onion salad you can eat. I decided to use the vast surplus along with the bumper crop of jalapenos were also blessed with. The end result was a rock-solid hot sauce. It starts with an unmistakable cucumber flavor. Then the heat builds quickly but then levels off with a nice sweet finish. This would be great with fish or chicken. Or, as The Wife prefers, unceremoniously shoveled into her gob with Aldi Lime Nacho Chips. To each their own. This recipe will yield about 2-1/2 pints of sauce. 

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce
aka Green Meanie

Ingredients

• 2 decent sized cucumbers, peeled, seeded, and chopped
• 12 jalapenos, chopped (I suppose if you're a HUGE BABY you could seed them to cut down on the heat, but then why are you even looking at a hot sauce recipe?)
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 cups white wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon dry cilantro
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon amchoor (dried mango) powder

Directions

1. In a medium pot, combine all ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer for about 10 minutes.
2. Pour mixture into a blender or use an immersion blender to blend until as smooth as possible.
3. Feel free to strain the sauce if you want something closer to a liquid-only hot sauce, or leave it as-is for something closer to a thin salsa.
4. If you plan on canning this sauce, we went with 5 half pint jars, 1/4" headspace, and 12 minutes in the boiling water bath. As always please go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and brush up on canning so you don't accidentally kill anyone.

Good times!

T-Bird Hot Sauce

     Every year I plant way too many hot peppers and every year I find myself desperate to find ways to use them up. I have bags and bags of peppers that I've dried, but those really start to take up space. I am always looking for new and exciting ways to use up lots of peppers in one go. This particular sauce certainly fits the bill, using five dozen peppers. It also uses up some tamarind concentrate that I mistakenly bought when I was shopping for tahini. For whatever reason, I'm always mixing tahini and tamarind up, which generally doesn't end well in a recipe. Though very spicy, this sauce has a wonderful deep and mellow flavor underneath from the tamarind and guajilo. This is a go-to sauce for chicken or pork dishes. It's thick enough to hold up on the barbecue or hot wings. As for the name? I used Thai peppers in the recipe. I know "bird" specifically refers to the dried pepper, but the name was too good to pass up. "T" for Thai or Tamarind and "Bird" for the alternate pepper name. I am so damned clever it hurts. As always, notes are in blue.

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 1 Tablespoon tamarind concentrate
• 1 cup cider vinegar
• 1/3 cup water
• 60 Thai bird chili peppers, stemmed (cayenne or serrano can be substituted, but you may need to use less, as those peppers are generally larger)
• 1 dried Ancho chili
• 2 dried Guajillo chilis
• 4 tomatoes, chopped
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 carrot, chopped
• 1 rib celery, chopped

Directions

1. Add all ingredients to a food processor (make sure it is a large capacity processor, at least 7 cups. 10 would be better, unless you're a fan of leaking and caustic messes. Caustic Mess would be an outstanding punk band name). Process until smooth.
2. Transfer mixture to a nonreactive pot and bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer and let simmer for about 10 minutes. (If you're not planning on canning this sauce for storage, you're done. If you want to store this sauce long term, go on to the next steps)
3. Prepare a boiling water canner and submerge 4 half pint jars (or two full pint jars) to sterilize in the boiling water. (You can be doing this while the sauce is simmering)
4. Remove the jars and fill with the warm sauce. Leave 1/4" headspace in each jar.
5. Seal the jars with a 2 piece lid and process in the boiling water bath for 12 minutes (If you're doing full pints, go for about 16 minutes).
6. After 12 minutes, remove from the bath and set on a wire rack to cool. Eventually, you'll hear the satisfying "pop" that tells you the jar has sealed. If after a few hours, a jar hasn't sealed, put on a new lid and try reboiling for another 12 minutes. If it doesn't seal after that, just give up and use the sauce. It will hold for a long time in the fridge. Properly processed and sealed, the sauce is good for at least a year. As always, double check everything with the National Center for Home Food Preservation to ensure you don't poison anybody.

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Spicy Macaroni and Cheese with Bacon

     When I was a kid, macaroni and cheese was something that came out of a box. It used powder and milk and butter. That was it. That was the only way I knew it. Eventually, I was introduced to the mac & cheese that had the pack of liquid cheese. It wasn't until years into my marriage that I discovered you could make mac & cheese without it coming out of a box. I also learned you could have meat other than hot dogs mixed in to it. This particular recipe is proof humble mac & cheese doesn't have to be boring. It's got all sorts of good things going on. It's got plenty of cheese. It's got bacon. It's got a spicy kick. It's definitely some solid comfort food. 

Slow Cooker Spicy Macaroni & Cheese
with Bacon

Ingredients

• 4 cups elbow macaroni
• 1/4 pound bacon
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 can (10 ounces) diced tomatoes with jalapeno peppers, undrained
• 1 can (12 ounces) evaporated milk
• 1/2 cup milk
• 8 ounces shredded Mexican cheese
• 4 ounces shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup Louisiana Hot Wing Sauce (or hot sauce of choice. Or leave the hot sauce out if you're a big baby)

Directions

• Cook the pasta according to the directions, but take the pasta out about 2 minutes earlier than the package says. Drain and mix the butter in with the pasta.
• Dice bacon and cook in a pan until the bacon is browned and starting to get crispy. Drain and set on a paper towel to soak up excess grease.
• In a large bowl, throw in the pasta and the rest of the ingredients. Dump it all into a slow-cooker greased with non-stick cooking spray (as always, just coat the bowl of the slow-cooker. Coating the entire slow-cooker isn't going to do you any good)
• Cook on HIGH for 3 hours
• NOTE: If you don't want to use a slow cooker, you could probably get away with putting it in a greased baking dish and into an oven preheated at 375F (190C, Gasmark 5) for about 30-40 minutes. I've not tried that, so keep an eye on it if you do it in the stove!

Good Times!

Spud's Choice Hot Noggin Sauce

     First, a couple clarifications. We did NOT give any hot sauce to our The Spud. Also, for those who like to needlessly panic, that's a sweet red banana pepper on her noggin'. We know better than to handle our little tater with hot peppery hands. To review: No Spuds were harmed in the making of this sauce. This particular sauce came about as an attempt to use up surplus peppers. I chose only red colored peppers since that was what I had the most of. I ended up with what can best be described as a sriracha variant. The sauce starts sweet and a bit garlicky, then you get a serious punch of heat that quickly levels off before slowly fading. Much like sriracha, I see this being a multipurpose sauce, topping everything from eggs to meats. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Spud's Choice
Hot Noggin Sauce

Ingredients

(yields just shy of 3 half pint jars)

• 1 cup cayenne peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup red jalapeno or Serrano peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup bird or Thai peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup red banana peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 12 cloves garlic
• 1/2 cup white vinegar
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 teaspoons seasoning salt

Directions

1. Load peppers and garlic into a food processor. Blend until a thick paste (the peppers, not you)
2. Dump the peppers into a nonreactive pot. Add the remaining ingredients and stir to incorporate.
3. Place on medium-high heat and bring to a boil, reduce to simmer and simmer for 5 minutes, stirring regularly.
4. If you plan to use the sauce right away, you're done. It will keep in the fridge for a couple weeks. If you plan to can the sauce, proceed to the next step.
5. Load sauce into 1/2 pint jars, leaving about 1/4" headspace. Seal with a 2 piece lid. Place in boiling water bath for 12 minutes. Remove to wire rack to cool. As always, make sure to refer to the National Center for Home Food Preservation for useful tips on how not to accidentally poison your friends and family.

Good times!

Satan Sauce

     The garden is finally done for the season and I find myself with an alarming amount of habanero peppers. For added fun, someone at work gave me about thirty more habaneros. I also have a couple of bags of habaneros from the last season in the freezer. Basically I have a shit-ton of habaneros. I turned to my trust copy of Hot Sauce! for a recipe to use. I found this one, but it called for Scotch bonnets. I figure they're pretty close in heat to habanero, so I just used habanero. The end result? This stuff is pretty damned hot with a good, persistent burn. Fortunately, there's a lot of flavor. It's totally worth the burn. What can you do with it? It's good on nachos, but you'd better have your big boy pants on if you're going to eat it like this. I'd be adding it to foods for a little extra oomph. That's just a suggestion. If you're a badass like me, you'll just spoon it into your face right out of the jar. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Satan Sauce
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients

• 1/2 ancho chile
• 1 fresh Dutch Red, Thai, or jalapeno chile (we used a scary red jalapeno that was lurking in the garden)
• 16 fresh Scotch bonnets (preferably orange or yellow), stemmed

Didn't have time to run to a haberdashery,
we used orange and yellow habaneros instead.

• 1 cup coarsely chopped yellow onion
• 4 garlic cloves, peeled
• 1 cup distilled white vinegar
• 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice (we squeezed it fresh from the bottle)
• 1 tablespoon gold rum (I hope spiced rum is the same thing. We went with Bacardi Oakheart)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

Directions

1. Submerge the ancho in hot water and soak until soft, about 20 minutes. Drain, then finely chop.
2. Roast and peel the Dutch Red. Stem, seed and finely chop (since I didn't use a Dutch Red, I didn't feel obligated to roast or peel. I did, however, stem, seed and chop the red jalapeno)
3. Combine the Scotch bonnets (habaneros)  with the onion and garlic in a food processor and process until finely chopped.
4. Pour the vinegar, lemon juice and rum into a nonreactive pan and bring to a boil. Pour the liquid into the food processor, add the oregano and the chopped red pepper; process lightly.
5. Add the chopped ancho teaspoon by teaspoon, processing briefly in between, pulsing only enough to get a smooth yellow-orange sauce with red flecks. Over-processing results in a red sauce (which is what I ended up with)
6. If you're planning on eating it right away, you're done. If you want to process it for canning, sterilize two half-pint jars and fill with the sauce. Process in a boiling water bath for 15 minutes. As always, refer to the National Center for Home Food Preservation to make sure you don't poison anybody. 

Good times!

Master Ridley's Pepper Paste

     This particular concoction was my first foray into pepper sauces. I had a bumper crop of cayenne and needed to use them in bulk. The end result was my single most popular hot sauce recipe, at least among friends and coworkers. There is so much you can do with this. Toss it with melted butter and chicken wings and you'll never do hot wings any other way again. Mix it in chili for an extra punch. One of the guys at works just spreads it on his hamburger. You will not be the same after this. It has just enough heat and more than enough flavor. Since it's made with vinegar, it cans well, too. Just pack it in half-pint jars, making sure to work out the air bubbles. Then just process in a boiling water bath for 12-15 minutes (as always, consult the National Center for Home Food Preservation for tips on how not to get botulism). We actually have an open jar that's been in our fridge for over 2 years without going off. We just add leftovers from each season's batch. We figure in the next couple years it should achieve sentience. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. And just who is Master Ridley, you ask? If you've read Fahrenheit 451, you'll know the reference: "Play the man, Master Ridley; we shall this day light such a candle, by God's grace, in England, as I trust shall never be put out."*

Master Ridley's Pepper Paste

Ingredients 
Ingredients can be easily multiplied for larger batches. A double batch of these ingredients should yield about a half pint of paste.

• 1 dried Guajillo pepper
• 10-12 Cayenne peppers (cut off and discard the stems and roughly chop. Don't remove the seeds unless you're a huge wuss. If that's the case, make sure you wear gloves and hike up your diaper, too)
• 2 grated baby carrots
• ½ teaspoon cumin
• 1 teaspoon seasoning salt
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 3 tablespoons white vinegar

Directions

1. Combine ingredients in a food processor and blend until smooth 
2. Another tablespoon of vinegar can be added if the sauce is too thick for your liking.

* Nicholas Ridley was a bishop burned at the stake for heresy in 1555
Good times!

Pastelitos with Picadillo

     Let me begin with the disclaimer that these are not authentic pastelitos filled with authentic picadillo. They are, however, based on the recipes. I nicked the basic cornmeal recipe from The Daily Meal and winged the picadillo based on the couple other times I made it from authentic recipes. The end result was pretty damned good. We wound up dousing them with some homemade pique hot sauce and they elevated to another level entirely. You can certainly feel free to mess around with the filling. I'm sure that most savory fillings would work here. Next time we might consider adding some cheese in there. Everything is better with cheese. As always, any notes are in blue. 

Pastelitos with Picadillo

Ingredients
Dough

• 2 cups water
• 2 teaspoon salt
• 4 tablespoons butter or margarine
• 4 cups yellow cornmeal
• 1 cup flour
• Vegetable oil for frying

Picadillo Filling

• 1-1/4 pounds ground beef (I used 80/20 to keep the fat down)
• 1 packet Sazon seasoning
• 1/2 cup chopped green olives
• 1 teaspoon dried minced onion
• 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• 1 tablespoon olive oil

Directions

Dough

1. Boil the water in a small saucepan and add the salt and butter. Combine the cornmeal and flour in a bowl. Add the boiling water, mixing well to form a soft dough. Set aside and let stand for 30 minutes.

Picadillo Filling

1. Heat oil in a skillet and add ground beef. Add the minced onion, olives and sazon. Brown the meat. Drain any excess oil.
2. Add the tomato sauce and stir to mix.

Assembly

1. Heat about 1" of vegetable oil in a cast iron skillet
2. Take a big spoonful  (about 2 tablespoons full) of the cornmeal mix and flatten it out in the palm of your hand. Fill it with a heaping teaspoonful of the picadillo. Take another smaller scoop of the cornmeal mix and flatten it over the top. Work it into whatever shape you like. We ended up with pastelitos roughly the size and shape of a hockey puck.
3. Fry each pastelito for 2 minutes on each side or until golden brown.

Good times!

Fruit Punch Hot Sauce

     Some time ago I held a little contest to determine the name of a hot sauce I had created. I picked a winner and then subsequently forgot all about it. I even managed to misplace the recipe. Having finally located the recipe, I am finally posting it! This is a cayenne sauce with a strong citrus base. It's excellent on seafood and chicken. I haven't tried it on anything else, but fully intend to. As far as heat, on a scale of 1 being no real heat to 10 being "Oh God, eventually this has to come out my anus," I'd give this a 4-5. As always, any notes are in blue.

Fruit Punch Hot Sauce

Ingredients

• 5 ounces cayenne peppers, seeded and roughly chopped
• 10 ounces red banana peppers, seeded and roughly chopped (not sure where you're going to find these; these peppers were mutants out of our garden)
• juice of 2 lemons
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• 1 medium tomato, roughly chopped
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups cider vinegar

Directions

1. Throw everything into a blender and blend the living shit out of it.
2. Pour the blended mixture into a non-reactive saucepan and bring to a boil; boil for 2 minutes.
3. Strain mixture into bottles/cans (This will make a little over a pint of sauce)
4. If you are intending to store long term, process canning jars in a boiling water bath for 12 minutes for 1/2-pints and 15 minutes for pints (as always, please refer to the National Center for Home Food Preservation for detailed instructions and tips for giving everyone dysentery) 

Good times!

Sriracha Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     We have just been pepper fabulous all season in the garden. The cayenne came up late, but boy howdy did they make up for lost time. Naturally, we turned to the book Hot Sauce! for a recipe to burn through the inventory. Since Sriracha is one of my favorite sauces, we figured we would pull the recipe from the book to try. With a little doctoring we came up with a sauce that I feel is superior to Huy Fong Sriracha. That's a big claim, but I'm sticking to it. The recipe below is showing double the amount listed in the cookbook. We found out the hard way that even though the book says their measurements yield one cup, we called bullshit. We needed to double off everything to come up with a half pint. One warning, if you choose cayenne peppers it will be a Colossal Pain In The Ass to seed them; wear gloves unless you're a fan of screaming a lot. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Sriracha
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients
(this recipe will yield 1/2 pint of sauce)

• 2 cups assorted fresh red chiles (habanero, jalapeno, serrano, and/or cayenne), stemmed, seeded and chopped (we use cayenne. If you choose cayenne, you're in for some work. Seeding them is fairly labor intensive. Make sure you wear some rubber gloves)
• 6-8 garlic cloves, chopped
• 4 tablespoons white wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons sugar, plus more as needed (we used 3 teaspoons total)
• 1-2 teaspoons salt, plus more as needed (we used 2-1/2 teaspoons total)

Directions

1. Add all of the ingredients to a food processor and pulse until blended. Taste and adjust the amount of salt or sugar if needed (we felt it was needed. The adjustments are listed in the ingredients section)

   

   For added fun, leave the access chute open when you do this
   and see who can stay in the kitchen the longest!

2. Transfer the mixture to a saucepan and simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes, or until the sauce loses its raw vegetable smell.
3. Let cool, then pour into a bottle (we bottled it hot since we planned on water bath canning for long term storage. We processed half pint jars for 15 minute. As always, please consult the National Center for Home Food Preservation for more information. I won't be held responsible for you poisoning yourself)

Good times!

Hot Mango Flush Hot Sauce

     I've been on quite a hot sauce kick this summer. Mostly this is due to the fact that making hot sauce is the most efficient way to use up lots of garden produce in one shot. This time I decided I was going to make my own hot sauce from scratch. I know that mango is a solid accompaniment to most hot peppers, so I used jalapenos and mangoes as the base. From there I just sort of went bat-shit crazy and started adding stuff. What I ended up with elicited tremendous positive response from the The Wife and our friend Dan. This sauce starts with a straight shot of jalapeno then opens up into a finish of fruit and a bite from the rum. We put the naming rights up for a vote on my Facebook page and the hands down winner came from The Wife. She knows that my favorite band is Jethro Tull. Most of the band members are huge pepper heads and really enjoy spicy foods. They make mention of hot foods more than once in their music. She suggested naming the sauce after one of their songs: "Hot Mango Flush." I know a winner when I hear one!
As always, any notes are in blue.

Hot Mango Flush

Ingredients

• 1 ripe mango, peeled, pitted and cubed
• 12 jalapenos stemmed and seeded (or leave the seeds in if you want more heat)
• 1 medium onion, roughly chopped
• 1 cup cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup fresh squeezed lime juice
• 1/4 cup gold rum
• 1 teaspoon Ukrainian Village Seasoning from The Spice House (this seasoning is a blend of salt, garlic, onion, pepper, green onion, and red and green peppers)

Directions

1. Combine all ingredients in a large, non-reactive pan. Bring to a boil, then lower to a simmer. Simmer for about 10-12 minutes or until all the vegetables are soft. 
2. Load everything into a blender and pulse until smooth.

   

   Looks like a sneeze gone wrong. I assure you it does not taste that way.

3. If you are using right away, just put in a container and refrigerate. If you plan on long term storage, this will yield a little over one pint of sauce. Load into two half pint jars and process in a boiling water bath for 15 minutes (As always, if you're not familiar with canning, refer to the National Center for Home Food Preparation to learn how not to accidentally poison your entire family)

Good Times!

                                  

Molho Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     I'm so happy the wife got me the Hot Sauce! cookbook. I've been using it to go through the boatload of peppers that have been coming out of the garden. Normally, I'd just be packing them in vinegar and calling it a day. Now I can start putting them to much better use. This particular sauce is apparently regularly found in Brazilian and Portuguese kitchens. It is pretty versatile. Molho is a rich, thick sauce that can be added to foods or used as a topping. The heat is fairly mild when you first make it. The longer it sits, the more heat it gets. The heat is not up front like many sauces. It builds slowly through the oil. As always, notes or changes are in blue. 

Molho
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 1 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 medium ripe tomato, peeled, seeded and chopped
• 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 3 fresh serrano chiles, chopped (no serrano on hand, we went with jalapeno. The heat and flavor profile are similar)
• 1 teaspoon minced fresh cilantro
• salt

Directions

1. Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat. Add the onion, stirring until it softens. Add the garlic, stir for a minute, then reduce the heat to low and add the tomato and vinegar. Add the chiles, cilantro and salt to taste. Bring sauce to a boil, then remove from the heat.
2. When cool, pour into a blender and puree (you can also use an immersion blender if you have one. If you don't have either, I'm not sure what you're going to do. Sorcery is not out of the question)
3. Transfer to a bottle. If not consuming right away, store in the refrigerator. If storing for longer periods, store in a cool, dark place (I processed mine for 15 minutes per half pint in a boiling water bath. I'm not sure how it will hold for the long haul. There's not much vinegar in there to get the acid up. If I kill myself with food poisoning, I'll let you know right away. In the meantime, check out the National Center for Home Food Preservation for more information. Anything they say will certainly supersede anything I tell you here. When you're canning, better to be safe than vomiting uncontrollably in front of your horrified family)

Good times!

Caribbean Hot Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     One can never have too much hot sauce available. I was excited to try my hand at a Carribean-style recipe in my Hot Sauce! cookbook. I even went out and bought a mango just for the purpose of using it to make hot sauce. The book and several people said that this style of sauce can turn plain old scrambled eggs into a transcendental experience. I'll let you know when I try it! I can tell you this sauce packs a wallop up front. There's a blast of heat followed by the sweet fruitiness of the mango. Just underneath all of that is a tiny hint of mustard. It's a tremendous combination that makes the heat totally worth it. This recipe will yield a bit over a pint of sauce. As always, any changes or notes are in blue.

Caribbean Hot Sauce
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients

• 5 fresh Scotch bonnet or habanero chiles (preferably yellow, red, or orange), stemmed and seeded (I used 6 red habaneros that I froze whole last season)
• 1 ripe papaya or mango, peeled, seeded and coarsely chopped (I went with mango)
• 1 small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped
• 1 (1-inch) piece of fresh ginger, peeled and chopped
• 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 teaspoons honey
• 1 tablespoon dry mustard
• 1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• Pinch of ground cumin
• Pinch of ground coriander

Directions

1. Add all of the ingredients into a blender and puree until just smooth, taking care not to aerate the mixture too much. 

   

   Fire in the hole!

2. Pour into a nonreactive saucepan, bring to a boil, and then lower the heat and simmer uncovered for 10 minutes.
3. Let cool and pour into bottles. Refrigerated, the sauce will keep for 6 weeks. (If you're planning on canning it, you will need two half-pint jars. Fill them to about 1/4" inch from the top and seal them. I process mine in a boiling water bath for about 10-12 minutes. As always, if you're not familiar with water-bath canning, please go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and read up on canning before you accidentally give yourself food poisoning and I disavow any knowledge of posting this recipe)

Good times!

She Simmers Caribbean-Style Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     Apparently I need to visit the Caribbean at some point. So many wonderful sauces come out of that area! This particular riff on the style is out of the Hot Sauce! cookbook. I love this sauce so much. There is so much going on here, flavor-wise. It is reminiscent of a jerk sauce, but to me has a fun mix of flavors. The best way I can explain it is everything in here is fighting to get noticed. Imagine a bar-room brawl and all the spices are slapping each other around. Then the habanero busts in the front door and starts breaking chairs over everyone and throwing them out windows. It's just like that, but in your mouth. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

She Simmers
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients

• 6 fresh red, yellow, or orange habanero chiles (I used mostly red and one orange. They were also frozen from last season. As long as they were fresh at one time you should be fine)
• 1/2 cup freshly squeezed orange juice (for all of the freshly squeezed juices, you can more than likely get away with bottled, but the flavor will not be quite the same. The main reason I did the freshly squeezed was because my aunt Ruthie bought us an electric reamer for our wedding. As much as that sounds like a marital aid, it's not. Just Google "orange reamer" and settle down, you pervert)
• 1/2 cup distilled white vinegar
• 2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper (I will tell you right now, grinding them by hand is a Colossal Pain In The Ass. Next time I'll just use the coffee bean grinder. I just have to remember to clean it out or the wife will be Righteously Pissed when she goes to make coffee)
• 4 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger
• 1 tablespoon curry powder
• 1 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/2 teaspoon ground or freshly grated nutmeg (I went with the ground)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Directions

1. Stem and seed the habaneros, reserving the seeds. Combine the chiles and all of the remaining ingredients in a blender and puree until silky. Taste and add a sprinkling of the seeds if you want to ratchet up the heat (be careful when you're doing this. It doesn't take too many seeds to change the heat level from "pleasant burn" to "OH MY GOD, THIS WILL EVENTUALLY REACH MY SPHINCTER.")
2. Pour into bottles. (I processed mine in a half pint jar for 15 minutes in a boiling water bath for long term storage. As always, please read up on canning at the National Center for Home Food Preservation before attempting canning. This sauce can tear up your insides just fine without the help of harmful bacteria.)

Good times!

Pique Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     We're still looking for fast and simple ways to use up the peppers that are starting to pile up. Naturally, I turned to Hot Sauce! for some inspiration. I found a base recipe for Pique, a Puerto Rican style hot sauce that couldn't be easier to put together. If you've eaten at Steak & Shake, you've no doubt seen that jar of peppers and vinegar on the table. Fundamentally, that's Pique. It's just peppers and some herbs floating in white vinegar. There's a lot of freedom to pick and choose the peppers and herbs. It's also nice because it's not likely to spoil, seeing as the liquid is entirely vinegar!

Pique
via Hot Sauce! by Jennifer Trainer Thompson

Ingredients

• 10-12 fresh chiles (try different colors, lengths, and shapes, such as green serrano, red Tabasco, and yellow habanero) (we went with cayenne on one batch and jalapenos for another)
• 6 cloves of garlic, peeled
• 4 cups distilled or white wine vinegar
• 5 or 6 sprigs mixed fresh herbs (we used lemon basil and oregano with the cayenne and cilantro and parsley with the jalapenos)
• Whole peppercorns in assorted colors

Directions

1. Bring a pot of water to a boil. Cut off the stems and a bit of the top of the chiles (or if you prefer the look of the stem, make a slice in the chiles) so the vinegar can get inside (we like the look of the whole pepper and went with the slice)
2. Add the chiles and garlic to the boiling water, leaving them there for a few minutes to soften up the chiles. Divide the garlic and chiles between sterilized bottles that will hold 6 cups total. 
3. Heat the vinegar to just below boiling in a non-reactive saucepan.

   

   Remember our talk on reactive pans?

   Pour the vinegar into the bottles. Add a few sprigs of herbs to each for flavor and looks (add the peppercorns at this step if you're using them), making sure to push them down below the surface of the vinegar (or just add the herbs first and pour vinegar in carefully). 
4. Seal the bottles and allow to sit for 2 weeks in a spot that's not too sunny, turning occasionally (the bottles, not you) before using. The longer the sauce sits, the hotter it gets. 

Good times!

Jalapeno Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     Our garden is producing peppers at such a rate that we have had to get creative in using them up. I can only freeze so many peppers. It was only a matter of time before I turned to a book the wife got me for Christmas. She knows I love hot sauces, so she figured she'd be irresponsible and give me a manual on how to make them at home. That manual, Hot Sauce!, is indispensable to someone starting out making hot sauces. Up to this point, I have only ever really made a couple pepper pastes, fondly called Master Ridley, Latimer (bonus points if you understand why I used these names), and a concoction known as Shrieking Anus Paste. It was time to branch out. My first attempt at a new recipe would be the Jalapeno Sauce from the book. It made sense since the garden is dropping a dozen large jalapenos a day. So how is this sauce? It has a very bright flavor, almost like salsa verde, but with a fierce punch of heat right up front. The flavor and heat play well together.

This is a fairly accurate depiction of my wife trying out the sauce.

     In the end, the overall flavor of the sauce is more than worth the initial burn. I popped a can of this when a friend came over for dinner. He and my wife ate over half a pint of this stuff, just scooping it up with nachos. The thickness of the sauce will vary from batch to batch, depending on the size of the peppers you use. The larger the peppers, the more this will lean toward a very thin salsa. Smaller peppers and it becomes more of a straight sauce. As always, any changes or notes will be in blue.

Jalapeno Sauce
via Hot Sauce! by Jennifer Trainer Thompson

Ingredients

• 12 fresh jalapeno chiles, stemmed and cut into chunks (use bigger peppers if you want a thicker sauce)
• 1 medium yellow onion, peeled
• 2 cups distilled white vinegar
• 1 cup water
• 2 garlic cloves, peeled
• Juice of 1 lime
• Pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup fresh cilantro leaves (we worried the cilantro would overpower the sauce, so we went with a little over 1/4 cup)

Directions

1. Combine all of the ingredients in a blender and puree.

   

   Fire in the hole!

2. Transfer the puree to a nonreactive saucepan (if you're not familiar with the term, enameled or stainless steel pans are nonreactive. What happens if you use a reactive pan?) 

   

   It's probably better if you don't use a reactive pan.

   Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and simmer for 10 minutes.
3. Let cool, then pour into bottles. You can eat it right away or place in sealed bottles for future use (we packed ours in half pint jars and processed in a boiling water bath for about 15 minutes. Again, read up on canning if you haven't done it before. I will continue to state that I'm not responsible when you inevitably poison yourself.)

Good times!

Chamber of Horrors: The Refrigerator

     So there are hundreds, if not thousands of blog posts and articles about the ingredients that must be kept in the cabinets and refrigerators to be a successful cook. I'm not going to bother you with those ingredients. I have them. You have them. We all have them. Today I'm going to take a look at some of the things in my fridge that most of you don't have. Things I probably should throw away. I will be judging the quality of these items with the help of my close, personal friend, Barack Obama.

A 13 Year Old Bottle of Hot Sauce
A couple of days ago I was making taco salads and was trying to figure out what hot sauce to use. I rummaged in the fridge and happened across a bottle of Pain is Good Garlic Habanero sauce. I bought this bottle when I was still living at home. 13 years ago. I assumed that hot sauces are mostly vinegar, so I should be fine. I put it on my taco salad. It still had plenty of heat.

Obama says: Still has plenty of heat and flavor.
Still good for a few more years.

Horseradish That Was Past The Expiration Date When I Bought It
Our local market regularly lists items as "Manager's Special." This roughly translates to "sell at a reduced price before the health inspector comes in and sees that we're selling food days after the 'sell by' date." Lurking in my refrigerator is a jar of horseradish that was a week or so past the "sell by" date when I bought it. Two years ago. I figure horseradish has vinegar in it, too, so no worries there. Still has some tang to it. I can't figure out how this could possibly spoil, but I'm starting to worry.

Obama says: Tastes okay, but maybe consider tossing it already.
 You only paid a buck-fifty for it

Wishbones
I'm not talking salad dressings, I'm talking honest to God wishbones out of turkeys. I must have three or four in the fridge. I place the blame for this behavior firmly on my mother. She would take the wishbone out of the bird, put it in a zip lock bag to dry out, then forget about it forever. In my house we do actually break the wishbone. We make a wish and everything. However, I have somehow managed to build up a backlog of wishbones. I can't eat them. They won't make good soup stock. I don't see myself making a pile of wishes.

Obama says: Throw the damned things out already.
Or send them to me. I could use all the help I can get.

A Quart Jar of Spicy Pickled Chard Stems
We grew a bunch of chard two years ago and never really figured out what to do with it. I never could get past the dirty taste. We ended up with a huge glut of chard at the end of the season. I found a recipe for to pickle them in a spicy pickling liquid. I pickled them. The liquid turned purple. When we opened them later that year, what I had was chard that still tasted dirty but was now spicy. Nobody will really eat it and I can't bring myself to throw it away because that seems wasteful. Now it just sits quietly in the back of the fridge.

Obama says: Shitcan it. Even the roaches won't eat it.

That's all for now. Maybe sometime I'll take a look in my cabinets and see what Eldritch Horrors reside there!

Good times!