Chicken Pot Pie Bake

 The rotisserie chicken at Sam's Club is a wonderful thing. For under five bucks, you get an entire cooked chicken ready to bend to your will. If you lack creativity, you can simply just rend the meat from the bone and eat like a savage. Alternately, you can use that cooked meat in any number of exciting recipes and then use the carcass to make a savory soup stock! Or you can just do the Midwest thing and bust open a can of cream soup and make a bake. That's what we did here. The only thing that we did to spice it up was add a packet of Sazon, as that makes most anything better. The Spud had seconds, which is a ringing endorsement. Fair warning: If you're storing leftovers, consider taking the baked shell off the top before storing it and heating it in the oven separately later. If you leave it on overnight, it suffers some sort of chemical breakdown on the bottom and gets all sticky and gooey. Give it a try and see what you think! If you don't like it, don't tell me. I'm emotionally fragile. As always, any notes are in blue.

Chicken Pot Pie Bake

Ingredients

• 3 cups cooked chicken, cubed
• 1 can (10.5oz) cream of chicken soup
• 1 can (15oz) mixed vegetables, drained
• 1 can (15oz) cut green beans, drained
• 1 packet Sazon seasoning 
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon dried parsley
• 1 tube (8oz) crescent rolls

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F (200C/Gas Mark 6)
2. Grease 13" baking dish
3. In a large bowl, mix all ingredients except crescent rolls.
4. Empty contents of bowl into backing dish.
5. Bake for 15 minutes.
6. Find someone brave enough to open the tube of crescent rolls, because those things are absolutely terrifying. 
7. Unroll the crescent rolls. and press together into a sheet. Take the dish out of the oven and lay that sheet over the top of the contents of the baking dish, making sure the dough reaches the edge of the dish. (obviously be careful, as the dish will be hot)
8. Return dish to oven and bake an additional 10-15 minutes, or until the top is golden brown.

Look at the Golden Deliciousness.
LOOK AT IT.

Good times!

Pork and Zucchini Curry

 Every now and then I get a burst of energy. Often, it turns out to be just gas, but this time it was legitimate creative energy. I got home early and saw the giant pile of garden veggies on the counter. I knew I had a pork loin in the fridge, so I figured I could make some stir fry. That immediately detoured into deciding I'd rather do Indian and make a curry. I knew I had a winner when the girls walked and The Wife immediately declared how good the house smelled. The Spud immediately identified there was Indian food cooking. This one was an absolute winner. It was simple as can be and if you don't have all the ingredients, is very flexible. Change out the protein with chicken or shrimp or even tofu. The little Masala spice pouches are a huge time saver. Everyone had seconds. Is it authentic? Probably not. Is it good? We think so. Give it a try and see what you think! Or don't. That works, too. As always, notes are in blue.

Pork and Zucchini Curry

Ingredients

• 1 pound pork loin, cut into 1" cubes
• 1 medium zucchini, chopped
• 1/2 medium onion, chopped
• A dozen cherry tomatoes, quartered (or one tomato, seeded and chopped. Or one can diced tomatoes, drained)
• 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped (I was in a hurry and used 1 teaspoon garlic powder)
• 1 inch grated ginger (Again, hurrying. 1 teaspoon ground ginger)
• 1 teaspoon fenugreek
• 1 teaspoon cumin seeds
• 1 teaspoon brown mustard seeds
• 2 teaspoons curry powder (I used a mix of sweet and hot)
• 1 teaspoon Kashmiri chili powder (cayenne will work fine here. Or omit if you're a big baby)
• 1 packet of Maggi Masala Magic (I highly recommend having this on hand if you regularly cook Indian style food. In a pinch, you could get by with garam masala)
• 1/2 cup dry white wine (if you don't use booze, go with an equal amount of water or vegetable stock)
• 4 tablespoons oil (I went with olive, canola, vegetable, or grapeseed would also work)

Directions

1. Heat oil in a large pan. add pork and sear on all sides until fully cooked, however long that takes. Remove pork and set aside.
2. Add a little more oil to the pan. Add the fenugreek, cumin, and mustard seed. When the seeds start to pop, add the garlic and ginger. Give it a stir.
3. Add the onions and zucchini. Sauté for about 4-5 minutes.
4. Add the tomatoes and sauté another 3-5 minutes.
5. Add the curry powder, chili powder, and Masala powder. Stir to make sure everything is coated.
6. Add the liquid of your choice and let simmer for a few minutes until it thickens up.

   

   PREPARE FOR THICKENING

7. Serve over basmati rice (or white rice if that's all you have. We also like to use the Masala Magic packets when we cook the rice.)

Wrong kind of Legendary Curry.
Good Times!

Peanut Butter Gochujang Chicken Noodle Soup

 I'm not entirely sure what inspired this particular recipe, other than the need to use up some leftover chicken. The day was cold and rainy, so soup seemed the way to go. Everything sort of fell in to place from there. We've done peanut soups before and really like them, so I figured I would go with that theme. We had a tub of gochujang paste on hand, so it seemed logical to add some. The rest is history. This recipe comes together in no time and all and is easily made vegetarian by leaving out the chicken (The Wife wisely suggested using tofu cubes instead) and using vegetable stock instead of chicken. In the end, it is warm and filling soup perfect for the cold weather. Anyway, feel free to give it a try and let me know what you think. Unless you don't like it and then please don't contact me. As always, notes are in blue.

Peanut Butter Gochujang
Chicken Noodle Soup

Ingredients

• 32 ounces chicken stock
• 32 ounces water
• 1/3 cup peanut butter (creamy or chunky depending on what you like)
• 2 tablespoons gochujang paste
• 2 cups pre cooked rotisserie chicken, shredded
• 1/2 teaspoon MSG  (if you're one of those people still convinced that MSG is bad, just use salt)
• 1 teaspoon dried cilantro (if you're one of those people still convinced that cilantro tastes like soap, just use basil)
• 1 lb. angel hair pasta
• lime wedges and/or peanuts for garnish

Directions

1. In a large pot, add stock and water. Bring to a low boil.
2. Stir in peanut butter, gochujang, and MSG. Stir until peanut butter and gochujang are completely incorporated.
3. Add chicken and pasta and boil for 4 minutes.
4. Remove from heat and stir in cilantro.
5. Serve with peanuts and lime wedges

Cranberry-Apple Kugel

Kugel is one of those dishes I remember fondly from childhood. My grandmother would make it occasionally and it was always a treat. I took her recipe and changed it up to make it a little more Winter seasonable. The end result is a sweet and tart kugel that is the perfect end to most meals. The bonus of this recipe is that you can fine every ingredient at ALDI. The Fried Apples may be a problem outside of the fall/winter season, but there's workarounds. If you've had kugel before, this is a nice change from the raisin/pineapple you may be used to. If you've never had kugel before, you're in for a treat. As always, notes are in blue.

Cranberry-Apple Kugel

Ingredients

• 1 lb. wide egg noodles
• 4 cups fresh cranberries
• 1-1/2 cups sugar
• 1 can (14.5 oz) ALDI Fried apples with cinnamon. (this may be tough to find, especially out of season. If you can't find it, use an equal amount of canned apples, or in a pinch, apple pie filling)
• 1/2 cup butter, melted
• 3 eggs, beaten
• 1 lb. small curd cottage cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (191C, GasMark 5)
2. Cook noodles 1 less minute than suggested on the package. Drain and set aside.
3. Chop cranberries (if you have a food processor, just save yourself the anguish and pulse them a few times in there) Throw the cranberries in a large bowl. Add sugar and mix. Let that sit for a few minutes.
4. Add the apples, butter, eggs and cheese to the cranberry mixture. Stir to mix it all up. 
5. Add the noodles and toss to make sure everything is evenly incorporated. 
6. Dump it all in a greased 13x9 baking dish. Make sure it's distributed in an even layer.
7. Cook for 40 minutes or until the noodles on top start to get brown and crisp.
8. Remove from oven and let sit at least 10 minutes before slicing and serving.

Good Times!

Probably Not the Best Ever Slow Cooker Pork Loin and Veggies

 

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This is probably not the "Best Ever" or "World's Greatest" slow cooker pork loin recipe. It's not going to set the world on fire or revolutionize cooking. What it will do is provide a simple, tasty, filling dinner that will satisfy everyone at the table. Except my child. "I DON'T LIKE COOKED CARROTS!" "I DON'T LIKE MUSHROOMS!" "THOSE POTATOES ARE GROSS." "I'LL EAT THE PORK IF I CAN DROWN IT IN BARBECUE SAUCE." As always, notes are in blue.

Probably Not the Best Ever
Slow Cooker Pork Loin and Veggies

Ingredients:

• 2 pound pork loin
• 5 medium potatoes, quartered
• 8 ounces sliced mushrooms
• 1 stalk celery, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 8 oz. baby carrots
• 1 can (10.5 ounces) cream of mushroom soup
• 12 ounces beer (if you don't do alcohol, just fill up the soup can with water and dump it in)
• 3 teaspoons Lake Shore Drive seasoning from the Spice House. (if you don't have it, you should totally get it. It's a blend featuring  chives, scallions, green peppercorns, and shallots. Works with just about everything and ships free if you buy it in flatpack envelopes. No, they didn't pay or give me anything for this plug, which is an absolute shame.)

Directions:

1. Throw the pork loin in the cooker, fat side up. 
2. Throw the veggies in around the pork.
3. Pour on the soup and liquid of your choice.
4. Sprinkle on the seasoning.
5. Cook on LOW for 6 hours.

Good Times!

Breakfast Bites

 Now that we have our new oven, I can really get back to work in the kitchen. We've had some bags of shredded potatoes that I've been wanting to use up for some time. I've seen several iterations of these "breakfast muffins" before, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I enlisted the help of The Spud on these and while she was happy to help cook them, she didn't seem keen on trying one. The Wife and I did, and were very happy with how they came out. There's a lot of wiggle room here with the ingredients. You can swap in our out pretty much any cheese you want. You can change the meat for crumbled bacon or sausage, or leave it out for a vegetarian option. If you add veggies, just make sure they're drained of all water. Water is your enemy here, as we discovered. Our potatoes were not completely drained, and while the sides and tops got crunchy, the bottoms did not. They were still quite tasty. I imagine if you made these in bulk they'd freeze well and could be easily reheated in the oven. Give it a try and tell me what you think! As always, notes are in blue.

Breakfast Bites
(yields 12)

Ingredients

• 24 ounces shredded potatoes (if using frozen, make sure they are defrosted and squeezed of all water possible. If using fresh potatoes, still make sure all excess water is squeezed out. Otherwise, the bottoms will not brown properly)
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 3 T olive oil
• 4 ounces ham, chopped 
• 6 eggs
• 1 teaspoon Trader Joe's Everything but the Elote seasoning (if you don't have this, just use seasoned salt, or even just salt and pepper)
• 1/4 cup shredded Italian cheese
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F (200C, Gas Mark 6)
2. In a large bowl add potatoes (which you have squeezed of all water as humanly possible). shredded cheddar cheese, and the olive oil. Season to taste. Mix until the cheese is evenly incorporated through the potatoes.

   

   Doesn't everyone wear their winter coat while seasoning?

   
   
3. Take a 12 count muffin tin (don't use the mini-muffin tins here as I can't promise they'll come out right. Just use a standard muffin tray) and spray it with non-stick cooking spray. Take about 1-2 tablespoons of potato mixture and press them along the edges and bottoms of the muffin cups, creating little bowls. You should be looking at about 1/8"-1/4" (about 4-8mm) thickness all the way round. (if the potatoes are too thick, they may not get crispy when they cook)
4. Put the muffin tin in the oven and cook for 30-40 minutes (you're looking for a nice crispy bowl when these are done. Depending on the moisture level of your potatoes, this time may go up or down)
5. While the potato cups are cooking, in another bowl, add 6 eggs, the chopped ham, and your seasoning. Beat until everything is mixed well. 
6. Once your potatoes are done, take them out and lower the oven to 350F (177C, Gas Mark 4)
7. Start spooning the egg mixture into each potato cup, filling it to just below the lip of the cup (to prevent any spilling or overflow in the oven). Top with the Italian cheese.

   

   No muss, no fuss!

   
   
8. Put in the oven for 20-30 minutes until eggs are done
9. Take them out of the muffin tin before they adhere to the pan for all time. Let them cool on a wire rack if you plan to save them for later, or just cram them fresh from the oven directly into your greedy face, burning the shit out of the inside of your mouth just like you did with those pizza rolls, and you swore up and down you'd never make that mistake again. 

   

   Potential Mouth Blisters
   Good Times!

   
   

Slow Cooker Chicken and Potatoes in Pasta Sauce

 

Oh boy. Only 54 more wake ups until Summer Vacation. The Burn Out is real. Clearly based on the stellar content I've been posting (i.e. memes and various shitposting), I'm not finding much time or inclination to cook. Going without an oven for five weeks didn't help. We've leaned hard into the slow cooker. The upshot is we came up with a gem. You could eat this by itself as a stew, or over rice or pasta. It uses nothing but staple kitchen items so it won't be hard to put together (especially if you just use jarred pasta sauce) and isn't expensive. It is certainly filling and tasty. The Wife describes it as "kind of like cacciatore," which seems like a fair assessment.  Give it a try and let me know what you think. As always, notes are in blue. 

Slow Cooker Chicken and Potatoes in Pasta Sauce

Ingredients

• 4 medium potatoes, cut into 1" cubes (Peel them if you want. We generally don't)
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1 bell pepper, chopped (Pick whatever color you like. The Wife doesn't really like green peppers, so we used red bell peppers here)
• 4 cloves garlic, chopped
• 1 lb chicken (Another choice! Thighs or breasts? We went with breasts because we had more on hand and I like to save the thighs for any pressure cooking)
• 2-1/2 cups of pasta sauce. (I highly recommend this recipe for pasta sauce, but feel free to use your own, or even bust open a jar of store bought. I won't judge you.)
• 1 teaspoon dry oregano
• 1 teaspoon dry basil
• salt to taste

Directions

1. In a slow cooker (a 4-5 quart cooker will work), layer all the ingredients in order of appearance.
2. Cook on LOW for 6 hours. 
3. Shred the chicken with a fork.
4. Give everything a stir before serving.

Good Times!

Pasta with Sausage, Feta, and Spinach

 So our oven died a few weeks ago and we've been waiting for the new one to arrive. The loss of the oven has forced us to get creative. Normally we make burgers in the winter on a ridged baking sheet. It works great. However, no oven. I wound up outside grilling burgers in the middle of winter. I figured if I had to fire up the grill, I'd throw some brats out there, too. That's how I ended up with this recipe. I had a pack of feta spinach brats I mostly grilled out of spite. You may question the use of brats here, and that's understandable. Most brats I've had have a suspicious texture. The Wife calls it "gritty." My father would say you should never eat "gray meat" and it's a judgement. That said, the brats we got from our local place are magnificent and worked great here. If you can find them or something similar, do it. If not, best of luck. You'll figure it out. I trust you. This one is quick and easy and is pretty damned good, if I do say so myself. As always, notes are in blue. 

Pasta with Sausage, Feta, and Spinach

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped (you can use jarlic if you want. I won't tell anyone)
• 1 pint cherry tomatoes, halved
• 4 sausages, cooked and sliced into 1/2" discs (this is open to experimentation. Obviously, Italian sausage would be fine here. Kielbasa? Probably not. I went with a pack of delightful Spinach and Feta Bratwurst from Turasky Meats that I cooked on the grill. If you can find something similar, I'd highly recommend it)
• 1 package (8oz.) frozen spinach, defrosted and squeezed of all excess water
• 4 ounces feta cheese
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1lb. pasta of your choice (I wanted to do rigatoni, but turns out we didn't have any. Wound up using farfalle. I guess use whatever you want. It should be fine. Hell, wrap it all up in lasagna noodles and bake it in alfredo sauce. Go wild.) 
• salt (this is mostly for cooking the pasta. The bratwurst had enough salt that I didn't feel the need to add any. Up to you, though, depending on your tastes)

Directions

1. Cook pasta to according to instructions (looking for al dente), drain and set aside.
2. In a large pan, heat oil over medium heat. Add the garlic and sauté a minute or so.
3. Add the tomatoes and sauté for 3-5 minutes, until the tomatoes start to break down a bit.
4. Add the spinach and cook to remove any excess water. 
5. Add the feta and sausages. Make sure to keep things moving in the pan so you don't burn anything.
6.  Add in the cream and bring to a simmer. (It's possible that the spinach will soak up a lot of the cream. Feel free to add a bit more if you like a thicker sauce. We used just enough that everything got a light coat.)
7. Add pasta to sauce and toss to combine.

Good times!

The Best Damned Brussels Sprouts You'll Ever Eat

 

Brussels sprouts are a truly divisive ingredient. You either love them or hate them. Naturally, my child hates them and runs screaming from the room if I suggest she eat some. She claims that her school cafeteria served them once and she did not like them, I contend that story is 100% bullshit. 

(UPDATE: It has been four years and I tried feeding these to the Spud again. This time she loved them and ate so many she got a bellyache. I cant win.)

 Fortunately, I watch a shit-ton of America's Test Kitchen and took some of their advice and came up with this absolute gem of a recipe. No joke. I could stand at the counter and eat the whole pound of these if left to my own devices. I imagine the gas would be absolutely spectacular. Try it and let me know!

The Best Damned Brussels Sprouts
You'll Ever Eat*
*Maybe

Ingredients

• 1 pound of Brussels sprouts, rinsed and cut in half
• 3 tablespoons bacon grease (you can make due with grapeseed or vegetable oil but you're going to lose a bunch of flavor)
• 1/2 cup chicken or vegetable stock
• Seasoned salt

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gas Mark 5)
2. In a large, oven proof skillet (I used my trusty Lodge cast iron skillet) melt the bacon grease on medium-high heat until it has coated the bottom of the pan.
3. Lay the Brussels sprouts, cut side down in the pan in a single layer. It is important that the cut side is making direct contact with the bottom of the pan.
4. Let the Brussels sprouts sizzle away on the pan for about 5-6 minutes. You're looking to get a really nice sear on the bottoms. 
5. Turn the heat off under the pan and slowly pour in the stock. Then sprinkle the top with the seasoned salt.
6. Put in the oven for about 8-10 minutes. You want the stock to completely cook off in there. 
7. Once the stock is cooked off, take them out of the oven and serve them up!

Good Times!

Crab Rangoon Pizza

 I'm not sure where the inspiration came for this one. Probably from the bag of fake crab that had been in the freezer for an uncomfortable amount of time. Apparently, I'm not the first person to come up with this idea, but by the time I had figured that out, it was too late. The recipe was already scrawled on the back on an envelope. The Wife and I were both really surprised how good this was. Even The Spud condescended to take a tiny bite before going back to her crackers and cheese. I can't say the flavor was 100% authentic to a restaurant crab rangoon. You'd probably need to go a little heavier on the cream cheese. I don't recommend that, as it would make the topping way too thick. However! You could do it and just bump up the rest of the ingredients. Then forget about the flatbread as a crust, turn the topping into a dip, and use the bread for dipping. DAMN, I AM A GENIUS. I do recommend hitting it with a little hot sauce or crushed red pepper, it really brings it together. Let me know what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

Crab Rangoon Pizza
or Dip If You're So Inclined

Ingredients

• 4 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 pound artificial crab meat aka "crabuluxe," roughly chopped (don't even think about using real crab meat here. You know damned well the crab rangoon you're getting from the local place is using the fake stuff)
• 2 green onions, finely sliced
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce 
• (in the event you don't have either of those, you could probably get away with equal amounts of soy sauce or Worcestershire sauce)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 artisan flatbread, 7 ounces (ALDI has them. If you can't get to an ALDI, find something comparable at your local store)
• Optional: sriracha, or hot sauce of your choice. Even crushed red pepper would work

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425F (220C, Gasmark 7)
2. In a bowl, put in everything except the shredded cheese and the flatbread. Mix thoroughly.
3. Place the flatbread on a baking tray. Evenly spread the cream cheese mixture over the bread.
4. Sprinkle the shredded cheeses evenly over the top of the cream cheese mixture.
5. Put in the oven for 10 minutes, or until cheese is completely melted.
6. If you're using optional hot sauce/peppers, throw it on and get to work!

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Soup

Lately we have been in survival mode. We've had some drama around the homestead and work has been one nightmare after another for me and The Wife. Among other things, I had a sinus infection that led to over three weeks of coughing. Scorpia summed it up very succinctly:

Well, more of a challenge of a last few months.

Last Sunday, I finally had the energy to throw together something new. This recipe is about as easy as you could want. We used ALDI frozen chicken breasts. I didn't even defrost the meat, I just chucked it in frozen. If you're a vegetarian, feel free to leave the meat out. This would make a fine potato soup. If you're feeling tired and lazy, this is the way to go. It's a perfect soup for this weather. It's thick and spicy and definitely takes the edge off a cold day. Try it and let me know what you think, unless it's negative, then don't. I probably couldn't handle it at this point. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Soup

Ingredients

• 6 potatoes, cut into small (1/4") cubes. Peeling them is optional
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 2 stalks celery, finely chopped
• 1 medium carrot, peeled and grated
• 1 pound chicken (boneless skinless thighs or breasts. I used breasts for this recipe)
• 2 packs (2 ounces each) Buffalo Chicken Soup/Dip Mix (I got mine at Aldi. I'm sure most grocery stores have it. If you don't like spicy, do one packet. If you do like spicy, use the two recommended and then dump in some Frank's or Tabasco)
• 32 ounces chicken stock
• 1 block (8 ounces) Neufchatel cheese (or you can use regular cream cheese)

Directions

1. Throw everything but the cheese into a 5 quart or larger slow cooker in the order listed above. 
2. Cook on HIGH for 4 hours.
3. Shred the chicken (I just got in there with a couple of forks and tore it up)
4. Add the cheese and stir until it is incorporated. 
5. Turn to LOW and cook another 30 minutes.

Good times!

Best Ever (FIGHT ME) Slow Cooker Tomato Soup

 I don't normally bandy around the term "BEST EVER." It's trite. It's overused. It generally denotes a slow cooker recipe that is, in fact, not the best ever. HOWEVER, this recipe is, based solely on my experience with tomato soups, the BEST EVER. I will gladly fight anyone who says differently. How do I know it's the BEST EVER? I really fucking hate tomato soup and this was actually pretty good. I know The Wife enjoyed it immensely. The Spud enjoyed it, but all she's ever had was canned tomato soup from Aldi, so the bar was set pretty low there. Other than the caramelizing of onions, this recipe is super easy. Just remember not to add the cream until the end. As always, notes are in blue.

I can say without fear of contradiction, this is the
Best Ever*
Slow Cooker Tomato Soup

Ingredients

• 1 quart canned tomatoes, undrained (we used our own canned tomatoes. If you don't have home canned, just use an equivalent amount of canned stewed tomatoes)
• 1 can (14.5 ounce) fire roasted tomatoes, undrained
• 1 quart reduced sodium chicken stock
• 1 tablespoon dried basil
• 2 teaspoons Ukrainian Village seasoning from the Spice House (if you can't or won't get the seasoning, use a mix of Kosher salt, garlic, onion, bell peppers, and pepper. No clue as to what ratios you'd use. That's why I'm using the seasoning). 
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 medium onion, sliced into half rings
• 2/3 cup heavy cream

Directions

1. In a pan, melt butter and sauté onions on medium heat until they caramelize, about 7-10 minutes. 
2. Add the onions and everything else other than the cream into a slow cooker (I used a 5 quart)
3. Cook on LOW for 4-1/2 hours.
4. At the end of the 4-1/2 hours, use and immersion blender to completely blend the soup. It should be completely smooth. (if you don't have an immersion blender, you're going to have to transfer the soup to a blender and do it in batches)
5. Once the soup is blended, add the cream and stir. 

Good Times? THE BEST

*In the highly unlikely event you don't feel this soup is the BEST EVER, it is likely due to some sort of failing on your part. Probably an unrefined palate or some sort of taste bud injury from a microwave burrito.

'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

 We are about halfway through September and the garden is still throwing habanero peppers like it's mad at us. The Wife is making noises about giving some of them away, and that just won't do. So I decided to make a hot sauce recipe that uses two dozen peppers a batch. I did. This one is a real roller coaster ride. It's like a Saturday morning with a six-year old in the house. It starts off nice and pleasant and then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. That's the best way I can describe it. More specifically, it's got a bright, slightly fruity taste. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I could probably make some absolutely deadly hot-wings. Possibly add a few drops to a Bloody Mary. Maybe just drink it straight if I wanted to scream for a while. Basically a lovely flavor plays around in your mouth as you burn.

This recipe will yield 1-1/2 pints of sauce. If you own a Insta-Pot Ace blender, you can actually do everything but the canning step in the blender by running the puree program. 

Give it a spin and tell me what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

Ingredients

• 2 dozen habanero peppers, stems removed (don't you even think about removing the seeds, you big baby)
• 2 red bell peppers, chopped
• 1 white onion, chopped
• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh sage
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1/4 cup white tequila (if you don't do alcohol, just omit and split the difference between more vinegar and lime juice)

Directions

1. Put all the ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth.
2. Pour contents of blender into a non-reactive pot. Heat to a simmer for about 10 minutes. 
3. Return to the blender (or use an immersion blender) to ensure everything is totally liquefied. 
4. If you're not going to can this sauce, you're done. 

   

   Fire in the hole!

5. If you are canning, fill three half pint jars to 1/4 inch headspace and secure lid and ring. Process in a boiling water bath for about 12-15 minutes. As always, review canning procedures at The National Center for Home Food Preservation to make sure you don't accidentally poison anyone. 

Good times!

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce

 Holy shit did the garden throw a lot of cucumbers at us. There's only so many cucumber sandwiches, or tomato/cucumber/onion salad you can eat. I decided to use the vast surplus along with the bumper crop of jalapenos were also blessed with. The end result was a rock-solid hot sauce. It starts with an unmistakable cucumber flavor. Then the heat builds quickly but then levels off with a nice sweet finish. This would be great with fish or chicken. Or, as The Wife prefers, unceremoniously shoveled into her gob with Aldi Lime Nacho Chips. To each their own. This recipe will yield about 2-1/2 pints of sauce. 

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce
aka Green Meanie

Ingredients

• 2 decent sized cucumbers, peeled, seeded, and chopped
• 12 jalapenos, chopped (I suppose if you're a HUGE BABY you could seed them to cut down on the heat, but then why are you even looking at a hot sauce recipe?)
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 cups white wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon dry cilantro
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon amchoor (dried mango) powder

Directions

1. In a medium pot, combine all ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer for about 10 minutes.
2. Pour mixture into a blender or use an immersion blender to blend until as smooth as possible.
3. Feel free to strain the sauce if you want something closer to a liquid-only hot sauce, or leave it as-is for something closer to a thin salsa.
4. If you plan on canning this sauce, we went with 5 half pint jars, 1/4" headspace, and 12 minutes in the boiling water bath. As always please go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and brush up on canning so you don't accidentally kill anyone.

Good times!

Pickle Dip

 Some time ago I happened on a wondrous product at our Sam's Club. It was a Taste of the South Fried Pickle and Ranch Dip. It was delicious and reasonably priced. However, our Sam's is almost 30 minutes away. It wasn't always practical to pick it up. I decided to replicate the recipe. I'll be damned if I didn't come really close. This is an excellent dip for veggies or chips, or as a filler for those cute little spiral roll ups. You could just be a savage and spoon it straight into your gob. Nobody will know. Fair warning, much like the original, the pickles cause the dip to break down and get watery after a day or two. Just stir it a few times and you're back in business. Try it. It's killing you not to. 

I'd like it pointed out I did not make any "pickle dip" jokes in this post. I'm growing as a person. I guess if you want a pickle dip joke you'll have to insert it yourself. DAMMIT I WAS SO CLOSE.

Pickle Dip

Ingredients

• 1 pint jar of pickles. 
• 1 lb container sour cream
• 4 ounces cream cheese (we used neufchatel), softened
• 1/4 cup Ranch dressing
• 1/4 cup Italian style bread crumbs
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/8 teaspoon turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon dill weed

Directions

1. Take the pickles from the jar and chop them as finely as you can. Reserve the pickle juice from the jar, you may need it later.
2. In a large bowl, add all the ingredients (except the reserved pickle juice) and whisk the living shit out of it until everything is incorporated.

   

   If I didn't have a whisk, I'd be in a real "pickle."
   Sorry.

3. Give it a taste, if it's not pickly enough for you, (picklishious? pickletastic?) add a couple splashes of pickle juice. Don't get crazy or the dip will get thin.

Good times!

Three Cheese Summer Squash Pasta Bake

 Normally we plant way too many yellow squash and zucchini plants each year. This year we cut way back. Two zucchini and three yellow squash plants. Then they went batshit insane. We're getting about 900 pounds of produce daily. There's only so many pints of pickled zucchini and squash you can make. There's only so much zucchini bread. I wound up finding a really good recipe for a squash/zucchini pasta in a cream sauce. A real banger of a recipe. Then the book I found it in got put away. When I went to look for it, it was gone. Completely gone. Nobody could find it. Much swearing was done. That didn't help. I wound up just saying screw it and making it up myself. I ended up making a pretty tasty alfredo-style sauce that worked really well in a bake. The Wife was much impressed. It was declared a great success and we all had pickled limes. Then Beth got Scarlet Fever and died...Sorry, I drifted into Little Women there. 
Give it a spin and tell me what you think, as long as it's flattering. As always, notes are in blue. 

Three Cheese Summer Squash Pasta Bake

Ingredients

• 2 zucchini, cut into 1/4" cubes (about 4 cups)
• 2 yellow squash, cut into 1/4" cubes (about 3 cups)
• 1 cup chopped tomatoes
• 1/2 cup seeded and chopped red banana (or bell) peppers
• 1/2 red onion, finely chopped (about 1/2 cup)
• 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 1/4 cups fresh basil, finely chopped
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 pound of pasta of your choice
• 1 pint heavy cream
• 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded Swiss cheese
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• salt and pepper

Directions

1. Cook pasta to a little harder than al dente (basically short the time by a couple extra minutes. The pasta is going to cook in the oven with the sauce for a while and you don't want it to get super soft.)
2. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5) 
3. In a large, oven proof pot, heat the oil over medium heat (we used our trusty 6 quart enameled cast iron Dutch oven. If you don't have an oven safe pot, you'll just have to transfer everything to a greased Pyrex baking dish before putting it in the oven)
4. Add the zucchini, squash, peppers, onion, and garlic. Sauté about 4 minutes.
5. Add the tomato and sauté another 4 minutes. Salt and pepper to taste
6. In a saucepan, add the cream, cheeses, garlic powder, and pepper flakes. Heat on medium heat, stirring regularly so as not to scorch anything.
7. When the cheeses are completely melted into the sauce, add salt and pepper to taste.
8. Pour the sauce into the pot with the vegetables. Add the pasta and toss to coat everything. Put the pot in the oven for 12 minutes (this is where you'd transfer everything to a baking dish first, if your pot isn't oven safe)
9. Remove from oven and toss to make sure everything is evenly coated. 

Good Times were had by all. 
Except Beth. She died from Scarlet Fever. 

BONUS LINK TO RECIPE VIDEO:

Taco Hotdish

 Ah, the hot dish. A Midwest tradition. Well, specifically an Upper Midwest tradition, but a tradition nonetheless.  The concept is simple, it's basically a tater-tot based casserole. You get a baking dish, put in a layer of meat mixed with cream soup and possibly some vegetables, and layer tater tots over the top. Pop it in the oven and *POOF* comfort food. There's really no limit to the variations of a hotdish, which is why I ended up making a taco version. I used Dos Rios heat and eat taco meat, but you're under no obligation. Shockingly, my 5 year old daughter would NOT eat this. She loves tacos, but is morally opposed to tater tots. I'm not sure where that defect came from. My attempt to serve it to her ended up in an absolute scorcher of a tantrum. The Wife, though, declared it a success and gleefully went back for seconds. Give it a spin and see if it causes any tantrums in your home! As always, notes are in blue.

Taco Hotdish

Ingredients

• 1 pound chub of Dos Rios Chile Verde taco meat (if you can't find it or don't want to use it, just use a pound of cooked ground beef with your taco seasoning of choice)
• 1 16-ounce jar of salsa
• 1 10.5-ounce can cream of mushroom soup
• 1 16-ounce can of refried beans
• Nacho chips, broken into small pieces
• 1 bag of frozen tater tots  (you probably won't use them all, but better safe than sorry. Just make the leftover tots for a snack or something)
• Shredded cheddar cheese (I intentionally did not put an amount because there is only one wrong amount of cheese to use and that is "not enough." You're just going to need enough shredded cheese to cover everything. EVERYTHING.

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F (177C, GasMark4)
2. Spray a 9x13" baking dish with nonstick cooking spray.
3. Warm up the refried beans to make them easier to spread, and spread them in an even layer along the bottom of the baking dish
4. Distribute enough nacho chips into the baking dish to cover the layer of beans.
5. In a large bowl, combine meat, soup and 1 cup of the salsa. Mix to incorporate ingredient, then spread in a layer on top of this chips.
6. Place an even layer of tots over the meat. Just lay them in neat, even rows so they cover everything.
7. Spread remaining salsa over the tots.
8. Cover the top with an absolute shit-ton of shredded cheese. Go wild. Use a whole brick. I won't tell anyone. 
9. Put in oven for about 30-35 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly.

Good times!

Slow Cooker Ham, Broccoli, and Cheese Soup

 I was just thinking to myself that the world can't possibly have enough slow cooker ham and potato soup recipes. This was a grave injustice that deserved remedy. That, and I had a bag of potatoes that was about to turn into compost if I didn't use them soon. This is about as utilitarian a soup as you'll ever find. There are no real surprises or innovations here, other than maybe the use of American cheese slices. This is just solid winter fare. This will fill you up and keep you warm. This is not the soup you need right now. It is the soup you deserve. I think that might have been from Batman. I don't know, it's been a long week. Anyways, it's easy to make and it's good. It's also flexible. Leave out the ham, add sausage. Go vegetarian and leave out the meet but add some carrots. Go wild. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Ham, Broccoli, and Cheese Soup

Ingredients

• 8 cups cubed (about 1/4") potatoes (peel them if you want, we never bother)
• 1 cup sweet onion, finely chopped
• 1 lb. frozen broccoli
• 4 ounces cream cheese (we use neufchatel)
• 1 lb. ground ham (this may be a problem to find. We use ground ham from Toohill Seed & Beef Service. If you can't find it or are unable to order it, substitute an equivalent weight of ham you chop up yourself.)
• 8 slices American cheese (if this seems horrifying, just substitute 8 ounces of shredded cheddar or Velveeta)
• 3 cups water or chicken stock
• 1 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon Gateway to the North seasoning from the Spice House. (if you can't/won't get this spice blend, you can make do with whatever spices you enjoy)

Directions

1. In a large (5-6 quart) slow cooker, add the potatoes, then layer the cheeses over the potatoes. 
2. Add all other ingredients over the cheese.
3. Cook on LOW for 7 hours, stirring every couple hours.

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Zesty Taco Soup

You are all probably aware of how excited we were about getting a big box of goodies from Dos Rios Taco Meat. We were especially excited about the Chile Verde flavor, since it's not available right now in our area. Keep in mind there's absolutely nothing stopping you from browning up your own ground beef and adding your own seasoning, but I am inherently lazy and am enamored of the concept of heat and eat meat (say that five times fast). This recipe is literally just dumping ingredients into a pot and heating them until it is hot enough to serve. That's the magic. This soup has a little bit of a zing to it as the meat has some jalapeno already in it. Much like anything I cook in the slow-cooker, this is not much to look at. However, it smells and tastes wonderful. This is absolutely a perfect dish for the wet and cold weather we've been having lately. If you live somewhere that is warm and dry, I don't want to hear about it. I'm not sure what else to tell you. If you use the Dos Rios meat, there's virtually nothing to do with this recipe other than throw everything into a pot and applying heat. Granted, that's really all cooking is, but here you at least won't have to cook and drain the beef. Since I'm a swell guy, I included stovetop cooking instructions. I just keep on giving. As always, any notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Zesty Taco Soup

Ingredients

• 1 lb. Dos Rios Chile Verde Taco Meat, defrosted
• 1 can (15 ounces) black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (10.5 ounce) cheddar cheese soup (you could certainly use nacho cheese soup if you had it on hand. We had cheddar, so that's what we used)
• 1 can (14.5 ounces) fire roasted tomatoes, undrained
• 1 can (15. 5 ounces) white hominy, drained
• 8 ounces (about half a jar) salsa (we went with a hot, thick and chunky Chi-Chi's salsa. Feel free to use whatever floats your boat)
• 1-1/4 cup chicken stock (you could use just water, but we've really been enjoying using stock)
• Optional: sour cream and black olives to garnish after cooking.

Directions

1. Put everything in a large (around 5 quart) slow cooker. 
2. Stir to combine.
3. Cook on LOW for 5 hours. 
   
4. Add any garnishes

OR

1. Put everything in a large (around 5 quart) Dutch oven
2. Stir to combine
3. Cook on the stovetop on medium heat until it starts to simmer, stirring occasionally.
4. Add any garnishes

We worked the numbers, and it looks like this is about 275 calories per cup. (This does not take into account any sour cream you add)

Good times!

Too Damned Easy Taco Sloppy Joe

 Sometimes inspiration hits in an unlikely way. In my case inspiration usually comes by way of desperation. Midweek meals are always a challenge during the school year, which is why we usually do a few slow-cooker meals on Sunday and just eat them during the week. However, that strategy often leads to waste, as we get tired of the lack of variety during the end of the week. So if we're cooking midweek, it has to be simple. This week, we could not decide between tacos or Sloppy Joe. I decided in a fit of laziness to combine them. This was made easier by the amazing product Dos Rios Fully Cooked and Seasoned Taco Meat. 

I kid you not. This stuff is $2.50 for a 1lb. chub at our local grocery. You can barely find ground beef at that price. You don't need to season it, you don't need to drain it. It's precooked so you only need to defrost and heat it up. With the addition of two more ingredients you have a sandwich filler, a tortilla filler, a great topping or dip for nachos. Hell, add it your scrambled eggs. Without further delay I present to you (with, as always, notes in blue):

Too Damned Easy
Taco Sloppy Joe

Ingredients:

1. 1 pound chub of Dos Rios taco meat (if you don't have it or can't find it, I weep for you. You're going to have the extra steps of cooking and draining ground beef and adding taco seasonings)
2. 1/2 cup salsa of your choice (we went with Chi-Chi's Thick and Chunky Hot Salsa)
3. 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Directions:

1. In a saucepan, add all ingredients. 
2. Heat at medium heat while stirring regularly. 
3. Keep stirring over medium heat until cheese is melted through.
4. That's it. You're done. Go eat.

Good Times!