The Best Damned Brussels Sprouts You'll Ever Eat

 

Brussels sprouts are a truly divisive ingredient. You either love them or hate them. Naturally, my child hates them and runs screaming from the room if I suggest she eat some. She claims that her school cafeteria served them once and she did not like them, I contend that story is 100% bullshit. 

(UPDATE: It has been four years and I tried feeding these to the Spud again. This time she loved them and ate so many she got a bellyache. I cant win.)

 Fortunately, I watch a shit-ton of America's Test Kitchen and took some of their advice and came up with this absolute gem of a recipe. No joke. I could stand at the counter and eat the whole pound of these if left to my own devices. I imagine the gas would be absolutely spectacular. Try it and let me know!

The Best Damned Brussels Sprouts
You'll Ever Eat*
*Maybe

Ingredients

• 1 pound of Brussels sprouts, rinsed and cut in half
• 3 tablespoons bacon grease (you can make due with grapeseed or vegetable oil but you're going to lose a bunch of flavor)
• 1/2 cup chicken or vegetable stock
• Seasoned salt

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gas Mark 5)
2. In a large, oven proof skillet (I used my trusty Lodge cast iron skillet) melt the bacon grease on medium-high heat until it has coated the bottom of the pan.
3. Lay the Brussels sprouts, cut side down in the pan in a single layer. It is important that the cut side is making direct contact with the bottom of the pan.
4. Let the Brussels sprouts sizzle away on the pan for about 5-6 minutes. You're looking to get a really nice sear on the bottoms. 
5. Turn the heat off under the pan and slowly pour in the stock. Then sprinkle the top with the seasoned salt.
6. Put in the oven for about 8-10 minutes. You want the stock to completely cook off in there. 
7. Once the stock is cooked off, take them out of the oven and serve them up!

Good Times!

Kosher Dill Pickles

     First off, let me make it clear that these pickles are not truly Kosher. Our house would never pass a Kosher certification. The six pound pork shoulder in the freezer pretty much locks that one up. We don't even grow the veggies right. According to Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:19, we screwed up since we grew our cucumbers in a field with a bunch of other seeds. So, semantics (or Semetics "I'll be here all week! Try the veal and tip your servers! Don't forget the 9:30 show is nothing like the 6:30 show; you can't bring your kids to the 9:30 show!") aside, these are just some tasty pickles to nosh on as you see fit. Eat them from the jar, use them in a potato salad, or slap them on a hot dog (WITHOUT KETCHUP. Please, I'm begging you, don't put ketchup on a hot dog). As always, notes and changes are in blue. 

Kosher Dill Pickles
via Better Homes and Gardens Home Canning Cook Book

Ingredients

• 2-1/4 pounds 4-inch cucumbers (we just used whatever cucumbers we had on hand. No clue as to type. If they weren't 4 inches, we just cut them down to make sure they'd fit in a pint jar)
• Fresh dill heads (LOL WUT? No clue as to what they're asking for. I, for one, refuse to decapitate an innocent dill. We used a teaspoon of dill weed in each pint jar)
• Garlic cloves
• Hot red peppers (we used whole dehydrated cayenne)
• Pickling salt
• 4 cups cider vinegar

Directions

1. Wash cucumbers. Pack them in hot quart jars, leaving 1/2-inch headspace (we derail almost immediately. One, we used pint jars. Two, we used full sized cucumbers, so we cut ours into spears, then shortened them as needed to get them in pint jars. We did, however, wash them. I think.)
2. To each quart, add 2 heads fresh dill, 1 clove garlic, 1 hot pepper and 1 tablespoon pickling salt
   (if you're doing it our way, you'll be adding to each pint, 1 teaspoon dill weed, 1 clove garlic, 1 dried cayenne and 1-1/2 teaspoons pickling salt)
3. In a medium saucepan, combine vinegar and 3 quarts of water. Bring to a boil.
4. Pour boiling liquid over cucumbers, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Adjust lids.
5. Process in boiling water bath (20 minutes for quarts, 15 for pints)
6. Yields will depend on how committed you are to violently jamming cucumbers into the jars.
7. As always, if you're not familiar with canning, go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation to avoid poisoning anyone.

Good times!

Pickled Dilled Beans

     First, let me say that I'm not responsible for naming this recipe. Talk to the author of the cookbook. "Pickled Dilled Beans" sounds cumbersome and kind of dumb. Why not just go with "Dill Pickle Beans?" The other way just sounds tortured. If you want a goofy sounding name, how about "Beans, Dilled and Pickled?" Ok, I'm just babbling now. I'd love to tell you how these taste. I have no idea; we just canned them and put them up on the rack. They look very nice. We did a half batch, which is what you see in the directions. You want more, you need to brush up on your multiplication table. Since this is a canning recipe, I once again beg of you to defer to the fine folks at the National Center for Home Food Preservation for tips on how not to give everyone the squirts. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Pickled Dilled Beans
via Southern Living Little Jars, Big Flavors

Ingredients

• 1-1/2 pounds fresh green or yellow beans
• 3 cups white vinegar (5% acidity)
• 1/3 cup canning/pickling salt
• 3/4 teaspoon dried crushed red pepper
• 12 fresh dill sprigs (didn't have these in the house. We went with 3 teaspoons dried dill weed)
• 3 garlic cloves, peeled

Directions

1. Sterilize 3 pint jars 
2. Wash beans, trim stem ends and cut into 4-inch lengths (if your beans were less than 4 inches to start, I guess you'll have to tape them together or something). 
3. Combine vinegar, salt, red pepper and 1 cup water in a stainless steel saucepan (don't put in the dill yet! You're doing that next). Bring to a boil. 
4. Place 1 clove of garlic and 2 dill sprigs (or 1 teaspoon dill weed) in each of the hot, sterilized pint jars. Pack whole beans tightly in jars (this is where The Wife's freaky little hands come in "handy." She can really get in there and load in those beans). Cover with hot pickling liquid, leaving 1/2-inch headspace. 
5. Seal and process jars in a boiling water canner for 5 minutes.
6. Remove jars from the water and let stand, undisturbed, at room temperature for 24 hours (We totally disturbed our jars. We stood right there and told them at length about the state of the economy). Eventually, you should hear a telltale "thunk" noise when the lid locks down. If it doesn't, you can either reprocess them or just put them in the fridge after they've cooled and eat them. Sealed and stored properly, they should last up to a year. Refrigerate after opening.

Good times!

Too Damned Easy Ceviche

     I discovered ceviche at our favorite Mexican restaurant. As you know, I count all of my calories, so I was looking for something that wouldn't break the bank. I found their Ceviche Bowl. It was just vegetables and shrimp with some crackers on the side. I had it and was hooked. I figured there's not much to making it they way they do, so I'd try to make it at home. For the $12 they charged at the restaurant, I can buy enough ingredients to make four! I know that many versions of ceviche use fish that is cooking in the acids of the citrus, but I'm keeping it simple and just parroting what I got in the restaurant. As always, any notes are in blue. 

Too Damned Easy Ceviche

Ingredients

• 12 ounces frozen shrimp, defrosted and tails removed (Don't throw the tails away! Boil them in some water and make yourself some shrimp stock to freeze for another day!)
• 2 avocados, cut into into 3/4" cubes (if you did this without first pitting the avocado and scooping it from the shell, just put everything away and go order a pizza)
• 1/2 large red onion, chopped
• 2 medium roma tomatoes, chopped
• 1 medium cucumber, peeled and diced
• 1 tablespoon lime juice (the stuff from the little plastic lime is fine)
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 medium jalapenos, diced (if you're a wuss and can't handle the heat, throw the seeds away. If you are a stud like myself, leave them in)
• 1 teaspoon salt (I actually had some pink Himalayan salt on hand and went with that)

Directions

1. Put all ingredients except avocado and salt in a large bowl. Toss to incorporate ingredients (I will not be held responsible for overenthusiastic tossing)
2. Add avocado and sprinkle salt. Lightly toss to incorporate (I held the avocado back because it tends to get mushed up if you toss it too much. Ideally you want the cubes of avocado to remain cube-shaped. This is one of the few times where I actually worry about presentation. To me, ceviche should taste and LOOK clean)
3. Serve up in a small bowl or goblet with nacho chips (or as I've seen in several restaurants, with packs of Saltine crackers)

Good times!

Sriracha Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     We have just been pepper fabulous all season in the garden. The cayenne came up late, but boy howdy did they make up for lost time. Naturally, we turned to the book Hot Sauce! for a recipe to burn through the inventory. Since Sriracha is one of my favorite sauces, we figured we would pull the recipe from the book to try. With a little doctoring we came up with a sauce that I feel is superior to Huy Fong Sriracha. That's a big claim, but I'm sticking to it. The recipe below is showing double the amount listed in the cookbook. We found out the hard way that even though the book says their measurements yield one cup, we called bullshit. We needed to double off everything to come up with a half pint. One warning, if you choose cayenne peppers it will be a Colossal Pain In The Ass to seed them; wear gloves unless you're a fan of screaming a lot. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Sriracha
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients
(this recipe will yield 1/2 pint of sauce)

• 2 cups assorted fresh red chiles (habanero, jalapeno, serrano, and/or cayenne), stemmed, seeded and chopped (we use cayenne. If you choose cayenne, you're in for some work. Seeding them is fairly labor intensive. Make sure you wear some rubber gloves)
• 6-8 garlic cloves, chopped
• 4 tablespoons white wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons sugar, plus more as needed (we used 3 teaspoons total)
• 1-2 teaspoons salt, plus more as needed (we used 2-1/2 teaspoons total)

Directions

1. Add all of the ingredients to a food processor and pulse until blended. Taste and adjust the amount of salt or sugar if needed (we felt it was needed. The adjustments are listed in the ingredients section)

   

   For added fun, leave the access chute open when you do this
   and see who can stay in the kitchen the longest!

2. Transfer the mixture to a saucepan and simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes, or until the sauce loses its raw vegetable smell.
3. Let cool, then pour into a bottle (we bottled it hot since we planned on water bath canning for long term storage. We processed half pint jars for 15 minute. As always, please consult the National Center for Home Food Preservation for more information. I won't be held responsible for you poisoning yourself)

Good times!

Wife's Choice Bloody Mary Mix

     The Wife isn't a big drinker, but she does enjoy a Bloody Mary something fierce. This is fortuitous considering the vast overstock of tomatoes we are enjoying right now. We've long considered juicing the tomatoes, but I felt that was a fairly boring way to use up produce. Once we decided on a format that worked well with booze, my opinion changed. This particular mix has just enough of a kick without being overly spicy. It pairs wonderfully well with bison grass vodka, but feel free to use your vodka of choice. A pepper or bacon vodka would probably be great here as well. As always, any notes will be in blue.

Wife's Choice Bloody Mary Mix

Ingredients

• Around 6-7 pounds of tomatoes (enough to make 2-3 quarts of juice)
• 2-1/2 teaspoons dill weed
• 2-1/2 teaspoons celery seed
• 1-1/4 teaspoons fresh cracked black pepper
• 2-1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1-1/4 teaspoons Tabasco sauce
• 1-1/2 teaspoons salt
• Lemon juice
• Salt

Directions

1. Run tomatoes through a mill to juice them. Run the pulp through the mill a second time to get all possible juice from the tomatoes (if you have a juicer, even better. We used the food mill attachment for the Kitchenaid)
2. Pour the juice into a large non-reactive pot. Bring to a low boil and reduce to a simmer; add all the seasonings and stir well (feel free to adjust seasonings to taste. You're not going to hurt my feelings)
3. Using quart jars, put 1 teaspoon of lemon juice and 1/2 teaspoon salt in each jar. Fill jar with Bloody Mary mix to within 1/2" of top. 
4. Seal jars and process in boiling water bath for 45 minutes. Remove to a wire rack to cool and wait for the rewarding "thunk" noise when they seal up for good. (As always, if you're not familiar or comfortable with canning, you should head over to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and read up on canning. Remember: if you poison yourself, it's totally not my fault)

BONUS RECIPE:

Bison Grass Bloody Mary

1. In a pint glass filled about 1/4 with ice, add 1-1/2 ounces of Sobieski Bison Grass Vodka (unflavored vodka will obviously work, but the bison grass adds a nice earthy and herbal flavor that works perfectly with the Bloody Mary mix)
2. Top glass with Bloody Mary mix; stir
3. Garnish with a piece of celery

Good times!

Things That Piss Me Off To No End

     You may be shocked to discover that I am not always a mild, level-headed person. Hard to believe, but it's true. You'll find I have quite the list of dining-related pet peeves. Here's a few from the comprehensive list of things that piss me off to no end.

INDEED!

Noisy Eaters

I'm glad you're enjoying your food, I really am. The best way to let me know you are enjoying the meal is to say so. I don't want to hear you moaning and groaning as you eat. Also, if you really can't make it through a meal without making a series of loud, smacking noises to show that you are in fact tasting your food, take your plate and go sit outside. If chewing with your mouth closed is difficult, you're sitting outside, too. Seriously, there aren't many things that can put me off my feed. Grotesque noises at the table are among those things that will. I have a friend that I love to death, but listening to him eat is an absolute hardship. I swear to God, I've observed him eat a Fillet-O-Fish and he sounded like the overdub to a porno movie. 

People Who Salt My Meals Before They Even Have A Single Bite

I am always a little offended when this happens. I spend a lot of time putting a meal together. I work to ensure all the ingredients are in harmony. I have plated the food just so. I have put a great deal of work into making sure everything will taste great. Then some jackbag grabs for the salt shaker and commences to start shaking the salt before they even have a taste. Did I miss something? I don't recall inviting any psychics to the meal. If you are prescient enough to know that my food needs more salt, you should be prescient enough to know that I'm going to blow a gasket and chew you out for not at least trying the food first.

My grandmother salted my meal before tasting it, once. ONCE.

People Who Bring Their Electronic Leashes To The Table

I have unfortunately had to institute a very strict rule prohibiting bringing an electronic device to the table. We are here to eat and socialize, not check your phone every three minutes. Nobody at my table does anything for a living that requires them to be on call at all times. Well, maybe one. He works for the police department. Amazingly, that's the only person to never consult his phone at the table. For a while, though, I found myself preparing to serve the table and it was a sea of phones, tablets and laptops. If you can't make it through a meal without checking your phone, stay at home. I consider this amazingly rude and thoughtless and if it kept up, I probably would have whipped a beer bottle at someone's head.

That'll learn ya' to turn the phone off!

Good times!