Black Bean Mango Lime Slaw

     It's always fun to order cole slaw at restaurants. There is no middle ground in the quality. It either tastes great, or it tastes like an old dishrag. It's either drowning in vinegar and oil, or it's buried in mayo. Only the truly adventurous pick cole slaw as a side when they eat out. Nobody ever says, "Hey, let's go to this restaurant, they have really fucking great cole slaw." I'm not even sure what convinced me to make this. We were considering fish tacos for dinner and it struck me that they would benefit from some slaw. Not just any slaw, mind you. This would be a slaw for the ages. An UberSlaw. I have to tell you, this was some damned good slaw. Thank me later. As always, notes are in blue.

Black Bean Mango Lime Slaw

Ingredients

• 1 bag (about 1 pound) cole slaw mix (feel free to shred cabbage, red cabbage and carrot if you want to make your own mix. I was feeling fairly lazy. Just make sure it's around a pound.)
• 1/2 red onion, chopped
• 1 mango, chopped
• 1 can (14.5 ounce) black beans, rinsed and drained
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinaigrette
•  1/2 teaspoon Ukrainian Village seasoning from Spice House (follow the link for a list of what's in it if you don't want to order it)
• optional: (this is not actually optional unless you're a big baby) 1 jalapeno, seeded and finely chopped

Directions

1. In a large bowl, mix the first four ingredients (and the jalapeno if you're a sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me).
2. In a smaller bowl, mix the last three ingredients.
3. Pour the contents of the smaller bowl into the larger bowl.
4. Toss to incorporate ingredients. Refrigerate for a couple of hours.
5. HOW EASY WAS THAT?

Good Times!

Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

     I do so enjoy a good pasta salad. I also enjoy Crabuluxe, so obviously my tastes can't be a reliable source of information. For those of you who have yet to hear me speak of Crabuluxe, it is the faux-product name I tag on any form of imitation crab meat. It runs about $2.50 per pound and is useful in all sorts of recipes (such as Zesty Crabuluxe Cold Pasta Salad; Crab and Spinach Enchiladas, or Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe). I suppose if you're made of money and regularly wipe your ass with $100 bills you could go ahead and use real crab meat. Anyways, we whipped this little number up using a mango-chipotle vinaigrette we picked up at ALDI. We had it warm the day we made it, then ate it cold the next day. We felt cold was the better way to serve it. Do what you want as far as serving temperature. Nobody listens to me anyways. As always, notes are in blue.

Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound medium shells pasta
• 1 pound Crabuluxe, cut into bite sized pieces
• 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
• 3 medium tomatoes, chopped
• 8 ounces mozzarella cheese, cut into 1/4" cubes
• 1-1/4 cup mango chipotle vinaigrette (ALDI carries it. If you don't have access to ALDI, I imagine most larger grocery stores carry something similar)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce (it's a citrus based sauce. If you don't have it in your kitchen, stop reading this and go get a bottle. You can thank me later)
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha (optional for babies and the chronically lame)

Directions

1. Cook pasta until al dente (nice guy, Al. I wonder what he's up to these days?) Drain put in a large bowl. 
2. In a smaller bowl, mix the vinaigrette, garlic powder, ponzu and Sriracha. 
3. Put all the remaining ingredients in the large bowl with the pasta. Pour in the contents of the smaller bowl. Toss to incorporate ingredients. 
4. Refrigerate at least one hour before serving. (as mentioned, we loved this as a cold pasta salad. There's really nothing stopping you from serving it immediately if you prefer a warm pasta salad. It's not like I have your house under surveillance...Or do I?)

Good Times!

Hot Mango Flush Hot Sauce

     I've been on quite a hot sauce kick this summer. Mostly this is due to the fact that making hot sauce is the most efficient way to use up lots of garden produce in one shot. This time I decided I was going to make my own hot sauce from scratch. I know that mango is a solid accompaniment to most hot peppers, so I used jalapenos and mangoes as the base. From there I just sort of went bat-shit crazy and started adding stuff. What I ended up with elicited tremendous positive response from the The Wife and our friend Dan. This sauce starts with a straight shot of jalapeno then opens up into a finish of fruit and a bite from the rum. We put the naming rights up for a vote on my Facebook page and the hands down winner came from The Wife. She knows that my favorite band is Jethro Tull. Most of the band members are huge pepper heads and really enjoy spicy foods. They make mention of hot foods more than once in their music. She suggested naming the sauce after one of their songs: "Hot Mango Flush." I know a winner when I hear one!
As always, any notes are in blue.

Hot Mango Flush

Ingredients

• 1 ripe mango, peeled, pitted and cubed
• 12 jalapenos stemmed and seeded (or leave the seeds in if you want more heat)
• 1 medium onion, roughly chopped
• 1 cup cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup fresh squeezed lime juice
• 1/4 cup gold rum
• 1 teaspoon Ukrainian Village Seasoning from The Spice House (this seasoning is a blend of salt, garlic, onion, pepper, green onion, and red and green peppers)

Directions

1. Combine all ingredients in a large, non-reactive pan. Bring to a boil, then lower to a simmer. Simmer for about 10-12 minutes or until all the vegetables are soft. 
2. Load everything into a blender and pulse until smooth.

   

   Looks like a sneeze gone wrong. I assure you it does not taste that way.

3. If you are using right away, just put in a container and refrigerate. If you plan on long term storage, this will yield a little over one pint of sauce. Load into two half pint jars and process in a boiling water bath for 15 minutes (As always, if you're not familiar with canning, refer to the National Center for Home Food Preparation to learn how not to accidentally poison your entire family)

Good Times!

                                  

Caribbean Hot Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     One can never have too much hot sauce available. I was excited to try my hand at a Carribean-style recipe in my Hot Sauce! cookbook. I even went out and bought a mango just for the purpose of using it to make hot sauce. The book and several people said that this style of sauce can turn plain old scrambled eggs into a transcendental experience. I'll let you know when I try it! I can tell you this sauce packs a wallop up front. There's a blast of heat followed by the sweet fruitiness of the mango. Just underneath all of that is a tiny hint of mustard. It's a tremendous combination that makes the heat totally worth it. This recipe will yield a bit over a pint of sauce. As always, any changes or notes are in blue.

Caribbean Hot Sauce
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients

• 5 fresh Scotch bonnet or habanero chiles (preferably yellow, red, or orange), stemmed and seeded (I used 6 red habaneros that I froze whole last season)
• 1 ripe papaya or mango, peeled, seeded and coarsely chopped (I went with mango)
• 1 small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped
• 1 (1-inch) piece of fresh ginger, peeled and chopped
• 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 teaspoons honey
• 1 tablespoon dry mustard
• 1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• Pinch of ground cumin
• Pinch of ground coriander

Directions

1. Add all of the ingredients into a blender and puree until just smooth, taking care not to aerate the mixture too much. 

   

   Fire in the hole!

2. Pour into a nonreactive saucepan, bring to a boil, and then lower the heat and simmer uncovered for 10 minutes.
3. Let cool and pour into bottles. Refrigerated, the sauce will keep for 6 weeks. (If you're planning on canning it, you will need two half-pint jars. Fill them to about 1/4" inch from the top and seal them. I process mine in a boiling water bath for about 10-12 minutes. As always, if you're not familiar with water-bath canning, please go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and read up on canning before you accidentally give yourself food poisoning and I disavow any knowledge of posting this recipe)

Good times!

Mango Creme Girl Scout Cookies Are The Worst Thing Ever

     I know I'm treading on dangerous ground here. I'm about to bash on the Girl Scouts. I have reason to do so. It's not the higher prices. It's not the reduced amount of cookies per box. I can understand that. That's just business. Nothing wrong with maximizing profits. The reason is the Mango Creme cookie. There has been a lot of hype about this cookie. It's hard to find. Apparently, not every Girl Scout is given access to this cookie. It is made with NutriFusion™. I'm not the first person to rail on these cookies and I certainly won't be the last. Why? Because Mango Cremes with NutriVomit™ are The Worst Thing Ever.

     First, what the hell is PutriFusion™? The NutriDelusion™ website claims: "NutriFusion™ is by far, the emerging leader in both the rapidly growing food science and nutritional supplement categories. This all-natural blend of whole food concentrations will enable more people of all ages, young adults and children to consume vital nutrients more regularly and more conveniently." Sounds kind of shady. I recall other products that were supposedly infused with all sorts of useful nutrients.

NutriFusion™ IS PEOPLE!!!

     Sketchy marketing aside, let's take a look at the actual product. Upon opening the box and protective foil wrap you are greeted with a not altogether unfamiliar smell. Most of you ladies will recognize it from firsthand experience. The gents may recognize it by proxy. It's not unpleasant when not attached to food. 

 I truly wish I were joking.

     I'm not for a minute going to deny that you smell mango when you open the cookies. However, this is the kind of mango smell you get from bath products, not food. I will say that the flavor is exactly what you'd expect based on the aroma. It tastes like you're eating bath soap. To say the cookies are "cloying" would be an understatement. You take a bite and at first, you don't really taste much. Then the flavor sort of invades your mouth. It's kind of like the sensation you get when you put a Hall's cough drop in your mouth, but with synthetic fruit flavor instead. You ready for the game breaker? You have a box handy? Go check the ingredients. Look towards the bottom of the list. I'll wait. Yes, you read it right. Concentrate of shitake mushrooms.

Is it too late to order a box of Thin Mints?

     On second thought, maybe I'll just go get a box of Nutter Butters from the store.

Good times!