Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

     I do so enjoy a good pasta salad. I also enjoy Crabuluxe, so obviously my tastes can't be a reliable source of information. For those of you who have yet to hear me speak of Crabuluxe, it is the faux-product name I tag on any form of imitation crab meat. It runs about $2.50 per pound and is useful in all sorts of recipes (such as Zesty Crabuluxe Cold Pasta Salad; Crab and Spinach Enchiladas, or Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe). I suppose if you're made of money and regularly wipe your ass with $100 bills you could go ahead and use real crab meat. Anyways, we whipped this little number up using a mango-chipotle vinaigrette we picked up at ALDI. We had it warm the day we made it, then ate it cold the next day. We felt cold was the better way to serve it. Do what you want as far as serving temperature. Nobody listens to me anyways. As always, notes are in blue.

Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound medium shells pasta
• 1 pound Crabuluxe, cut into bite sized pieces
• 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
• 3 medium tomatoes, chopped
• 8 ounces mozzarella cheese, cut into 1/4" cubes
• 1-1/4 cup mango chipotle vinaigrette (ALDI carries it. If you don't have access to ALDI, I imagine most larger grocery stores carry something similar)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce (it's a citrus based sauce. If you don't have it in your kitchen, stop reading this and go get a bottle. You can thank me later)
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha (optional for babies and the chronically lame)

Directions

1. Cook pasta until al dente (nice guy, Al. I wonder what he's up to these days?) Drain put in a large bowl. 
2. In a smaller bowl, mix the vinaigrette, garlic powder, ponzu and Sriracha. 
3. Put all the remaining ingredients in the large bowl with the pasta. Pour in the contents of the smaller bowl. Toss to incorporate ingredients. 
4. Refrigerate at least one hour before serving. (as mentioned, we loved this as a cold pasta salad. There's really nothing stopping you from serving it immediately if you prefer a warm pasta salad. It's not like I have your house under surveillance...Or do I?)

Good Times!

Zesty Crabuluxe Cold Pasta Salad

     To me, one of the quintessential summer dishes is the cold pasta salad. However, they seem to come in two varieties: drowning in a vinegar based liquid, or caulked together with horrifying amounts of mayonnaise. I wanted to make my own pasta salad that was lighter on the dressing, but still packed a bunch of flavor. I decided to combine some Miracle Whip with some jalapeno sauce that I have stashed away. The Wife and I were decidedly pleased with the results. My only complaint was that we used linguine. We didn't have any non-noodle pastas available and it was hard to get everything mixed together. The flavor was great. The jalapeno sauce packed plenty of flavor, but not a lot of heat. It was very tasty and the dressing was mercifully light. Give it a try and see how you like it. And remember, if you like it half as much as we did, then we liked it twice as much as you. As always, notes are in blue.

Zesty Crabuluxe Cold Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound pasta (we used linguine, but I'd suggest macaroni, rotini or shells. It's really hard to get the cold ingredients mixed well through noodle-type pasta)
• 4 tablespoons whipped dressing (aka Miracle Whip)
• 4 tablespoons jalapeno sauce (click on the link for the recipe. I'm not sure what you'd use for an equivalent. Maybe a nice jalapeno based salsa)
• 1 pound of Crabuluxe, broken into small pieces (imitation crab meat. If you've got the money for a pound of real crab, go nuts)
• 3 dashes Worcestershire sauce
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 red onion, chopped
• 1 medium carrot, peeled and shredded
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1 rib celery, finely chopped
• 1 cup shredded Swiss cheese

Directions

1. Cook pasta until al dente. Add the frozen peas to the pot during the last few minutes of cooking. You do not want the pasta to be mushy. Make sure it still has some bite. Drain and allow to cool.
2. In a small bowl, mix the whipped dressing, jalapeno sauce, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic powder.
3. In a large bowl add the cooled pasta and peas, Crabuluxe, cheese and veggies. Add the dressing mixture and toss to incorporate all the ingredients. Put in the fridge and allow to chill for at least one hour.

Good times!

Lemon-Chile Seafood Delight

     Some days I really want something light, but full of flavor. I also want it quickly and with minimal effort. This recipe is the culmination of those desires. It came together in about a half an hour. Aside from the rice I served it on, this dish is phenomenally low on calories. The lemon and sriracha gave this dish a nice kick. The Wife certainly enjoyed it, so I'll call it a winner. When naming it, I decided to go with one of those goofy sounding names you find in Chinese restaurants. I thought "Monkeys Chasing the Heaven's Gate on Fire" was good, but it sounded too much like something you'd buy at a fireworks stand. Anyway, give it a try if you want. Hopefully you will like it as much as we did. As always, notes are in blue.

Lemon-Chile Seafood Delight

Ingredients

• 12 ounces shrimp, tails removed (I used frozen shrimp, since fresh is prohibitively expensive right now. If you use fresh, make sure to cook them until they are pink. Also, save the tails to use later to make shrimp stock!)
• 1 pound imitation crab meat ("Crabuluxe," as we call it. Feel free to use real crab meat if you want. Make sure to have the butler get the Ferrari waxed while he's out picking it up.)
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 pound fresh broccoli 
• 1 can (14 ounce) stir-fry vegetables, drained
• 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 1" piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated
• 1 tablespoon Sriracha (we used our own home-made Sriracha)
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce (use Worcestershire sauce if you don't have fish sauce. Use soy sauce if you don't have either of those. If you have none, just stop and go out for a pizza.)
• Slurry of 2 tablespoons corn starch mixed with 2 tablespoons cold water

Directions

1. Steam broccoli until it starts to get tender. You still want a little snap on it. 
2. Heat oil in a large pan to medium-high heat. Add garlic and ginger, stir for a minute or two or until garlic begins to turn golden. 
3. Add the stir-fry veggies and sriracha. Stir and let cook for another 3-4 minutes.
4. Add the lemon juice, fish sauce and seafood. Stir to mix and let cook for 2-3 more minutes (longer if you are using fresh seafood)
5. Add broccoli and slurry. Remove from heat and stir until sauce thickens. Serve over rice. Thank me at your convenience. 

Good times!

Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe

     Once again I turn to the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook. As always, I end up infuriated. Not with the food, mind you.  No, what really pisses me off is how these recipes are written. Something about the wording of these recipes just makes me insane. They are just needlessly complicated and ponderously worded. The recipes are generally quite tasty. However, this one was a bit bland and could benefit from a bit of spice. I wound up adding a couple teaspoons of home-made Sriracha. As always, any notes are changes are in blue.

Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe
via: Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 lb fresh broccoli
• 2 green onions, with tops
• 1 tablespoon corn starch
• 1 tablespoon cold water
• 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 clove garlic, finely chopped (feeling lazy. I used 1 tablespoon jarred garlic)
• 1/4 cup chicken broth
• 8 ounces frozen salad-style imitation crabmeat, thawed ("salad-style?" What sort of hoity-toity stuff is that? You're using fake crab meat. Don't try to make it sound fancy. If you must, do what we do and call it "Crabuluxe.")
• 1/4 teaspoon sesame oil
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes or hot sauce of your choice

Directions

1. Peel outer layer from broccoli. Cut broccoli lengthwise into 1-inch stems; Remove florets. Cut stems diagonally into 1/4 inch slices (AHAHAHAHAHA! That was not going to happen. That's just a lot of bullshit work for something that's eventually going to be poop. We just cut the florets off close to the stalk and moved on). Place broccoli stems in boiling water; heat to boiling (THE WATER IS ALREADY BOILING! Why does Betty Crocker insist on constantly fucking with my head?) Cover and cook for 30 seconds. Add florets; heat to boiling. Cover and cook 30 seconds (You know what? No. I'm not doing that. That's more work than I'm willing to commit to. I just chucked the cut broccoli in the boiling water and let it go for about a minute or so). Drain and rinse in cold water. 
2. Cut onions into 1/2-inch pieces. Slice lengthwise in half and set aside (just slice the onions and move it along).
3. In a small bowl, mix corn starch and water; set aside.
4. In wok or 12-inch skillet, heat vegetable oil over high heat. Add broccoli and garlic; stir-fry 1 minute. Add broth; heat to boiling. Stir in cornstarch mixture cook and stir until thickened. Add Crabuluxe, onions and sesame oil; cook and stir 1 minute.

Good Times!

Crab and Spinach Enchiladas

     After the holidays, I'm glad I have cookbooks like the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook.  I'm not one for cleanses or detoxes. I just try to eat more sensibly and get back to my standard 1600 calorie a day intake. Recipes like these enchiladas are great because they are filling, but super-low in calories. Each of these enchiladas come in at around 300 calories. Have two of these and some black beans and a bit of rice and you've got a great meal in the 600 calorie range. As always, and notes or changes are in blue.

Crabmeat and Spinach Enchiladas
via Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 cup chunky-style salsa (if you can use home-made, you'll save yourself some unneeded preservatives and sodium)
• 1/4 cup chili sauce (if you want to do a bit of fusion here, use Sriracha)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (I used 1 tablespoon of dried. If you can't stand cilantro, you could always swap in parsley or basil)
• 1 pound refrigerated chunk-style imitation crabmeat (as I call it, "Crabuluxe")
• 2 cups frozen cut leaf spinach, thawed and squeezed to drain
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded Pepper Jack cheese
• 8 flour tortillas
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

Directions

1. Heat oven to 350F. Spray 13x9 inch glass baking dish with cooking spray (I can't imagine anything cataclysmic is going to happen if you don't use glass. However, if you use Corningware and subsequently die, please don't blame me)
2. In a small bowl, mix salsa, chili sauce, cumin and cilantro.
3. In a medium bowl, break up crabmeat and combine with spinach, Pepper Jack cheese and 1/4 cup of the sauce mixture. Spread about 1/2 cup of the sauce mixture over the bottom of the baking dish (because spreading the mixture under the baking dish would just be stupid).
4. Top each tortilla with about 2/3 cup of the crabmeat mixture; roll up. Place tortillas, seam side down, in baking dish. Top with remaining sauce. Sprinkle with cheddar cheese.
5. Spray sheet of foil with cooking spray. Cover dish with foil, sprayed side down (I'm going to tell you that if you need to be instructed to put the sprayed side down, maybe you should just order out instead) Bake 35-40 minutes or until thoroughly heated. 

Good times!

Slow Cooker Potato-Crab Chowder

     If you visit my home most Sundays during the fall or winter (please don't), you will likely find some form of soup, stew or chowder bubbling away in a slow-cooker. On a good day, there could be as many as three cookers going at once. This particular recipe gets a lot of action during that time of the year. This is super easy and we usually have most of the ingredients (or close approximations) on hand. Plus, the way I make it, it's only about 170 calories per cup! As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Potato Crab Chowder
via Slow Cooker Magic in Minutes

Ingredients

• 1 package (10 ounces) frozen corn
• 1 cup frozen hash brown potatoes (this is something you will never find in our freezer. We used a little over a cup of diced potato)
• 3/4 cup finely chopped carrots (we just cut them into little pieces)
• 1 teaspoon dried thyme
• 3/4 teaspoon garlic-pepper seasoning
• 3 cups fat free reduced-sodium chicken broth (no happening. We did 3 cups water and a bouillon cube or two)
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 cup evaporated milk
• 3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 1 can (6 ounces) crabmeat, drained (We just used an 8 ounce bag of imitation crab meat, which we fondly call "Crabuluxe") 
• 1/2 cup sliced green onions

Directions

1. Place corn, potatoes and carrots in slow-cooker. Sprinkle with thyme and garlic-pepper seasoning
2. Add broth and water. Cover and cook on LOW for 3-1/2 to 4-1/2 hours
3. Stir together evaporated milk and cornstarch in medium bowl. Stir into slow-cooker. Turn temperature to HIGH. Cover and cook 1 hour. Stir in crab meat and green onions. 

Who doesn't love chowder?
Good times!