The Pork Hat Trick

     Man, do I love pork. I love pork in all its wonderful forms. It's so versatile; you can eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Granted, the same could be said for Cap'n Crunch, but there you have it. I have been wanting to do some form of goofy pork loin in the smoker for a while now. I figured pork inside pork wrapped in pork was the way to go. This recipe, due to time and labor, qualifies as a certified Pain In The Ass. Mind you, it's totally worth it. I apologize in advance for the vagueness about cooking time. If you're using a smoker, you've already committed to a big hunk of time. Just check the temp regularly. Throw some chicken on the smoker, too. That will be ready before the pork so you'll have something to snack on. See how I take care of you? What do I get for it? Heartache. You're driving me to an early grave.

The Pork Hat Trick

Ingredients

• 2.5-3 pound pork loin
• 1 pound pork sausage with sage
• 1 pound thick cut bacon
• 3 sprigs dried rosemary
• 3 tablespoons Three Mustard Pepper Relish
• Uncle Joe's Rubdown
• olive oil
• apple juice

Directions

1. With a fillet or other sharp knife, butterfly the pork loin. How do you butterfly a pork loin? Follow this handy link to a fine set of instructions (that I did not write). You should end up with a 1/2" or so thick rectangle of pork.
2. Spread a layer of the mustard pepper relish evenly across the pork.
3. Spread the pork sausage in an even layer over the relish.

   

   I suppose you could just chuck it in the oven and bake it at this point.
   MEAT PIZZA

4. Sprinkle with the dried rosemary. 
5. Here's where things get fun. Roll up the loin, jelly-roll style. Then, wrap it with the bacon. Use what ever method you'd like for the bacon, weave it, drape it, you pick. Once you have the bacon situated, take some butcher's twine and go full bondage on that bad boy. You don't want it unraveling. Wipe down the twine with olive oil to keep the twine from burning.
   

   

   50 Shades of Pork

6. Sprinkle the rub onto the roast. If you don't have Uncle Joe's you're missing out and will have to use something else.
7. Get that bad boy out to your smoker. Smoke the loin until an instant read thermometer gives you around 160F. Occasionally spray the loin with apple juice to keep it moist. I smoked mine for three or so hours. Can't say for sure. I was drinking. Time may depend on how hot your smoker is running. Alternately, throw it in the oven at 375F until the desired temp is reached. 

   

   ACTION SHOT. 

8. Once the desired internal temperature is reached, take it off the heat and let it rest for 10-15 minutes. It's been through a lot and needs time to collect itself. Congratulate yourself on a job well done with your sixth Jim Beam and Mr. Pibb of the day.
9. After resting, slice that bastard up and eat until you're sick. Which is entirely possible if you didn't cook it long enough.

Good times!

Bourbon Pear Cake

     The bundt cake strikes me as a quintessential middle-class food. I have lost count of the times I've seen bundt cakes at gatherings. My family was notorious for using the bundt cake pan for all sorts of terrifying Jell-O molds involving layers and suspended fruits.  It was almost unavoidable that I would eventually buy and use a bundt cake pan.  One of the first things I made was a Bourbon Pear Cake. I think I got the recipe from Relish.com, but can't find it there anymore. If anybody locates the original source, please let me know so I can give proper credit. I liked this recipe because it incorporated booze. However, I can't get myself to cook with high-end liquor, that stuff is for drinking! Unfortunately, I didn't have any bottom-shelf booze on hand so I had to use the workhorse in my bar, Jim Beam. This is just a good looking cake and is moist and flavorful. I always feel like such a pompous ass when I say stuff like that. Hmm.. CAKE SQUISHY AND TASTE GOOD. There. Much better. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Bourbon Pear Cake

Ingredients

• 3 eggs 
• 2 cups sugar 
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil 
• 3 cups all-purpose flour 
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 
• 2 tablespoons bourbon (I'm pretty sure some form of honey bourbon would be really good here)
• 1 teaspoon salt 
• 1 teaspoon baking soda 
• 1 1/2 cups pears - peeled, cored and chopped (there's nothing stopping you from using apples instead)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 
• 1 1/4 cups confectioners' sugar 
• 2 tablespoons milk 

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs on medium speed. Gradually add sugar and oil; beat thoroughly. 
2. Combine flour, cinnamon, salt and baking soda; add to egg mixture and mix well. 
3. Stir in pears, bourbon and vanilla. (The batter will be stiff. Notice how I took the moral high ground and didn't make a joke here.) 
4. Spoon into a greased and floured 9-in. Bundt-cake pan. 
5. Bake at 350F for 60-65 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean (obviously, you'll want to stick the toothpick into the actual cake and not the hole in the center). Let cool in pan 10 minutes before inverting onto a serving plate. 
6. In a small bowl, combine the confectioners' sugar and milk; beat until smooth. Drizzle over warm cake. Cool completely.

"Miss Moneypenny, fetch me another slice of that fantastic cake. I'm too shitfaced to get it myself."
Good times! 

Corn Relish

     I've loved corn relish ever since I was little. It was on a salad bar in a rib joint. It was thick, almost like a chutney. This recipe is not. I guess I wasted your time with that little bit of nostalgia. This version is not thick, probably due to the fact that it doesn't use a ton of sugar or cook for very long. I suppose if you let it cook for a lot longer. It is, however, delicious. It is just the right combination of sweet and tangy. Plus it looks great. You can toy with the ingredients, shifting different kinds of peppers in and out. The last batch we made added a couple of chopped jalapenos. Fair warning, this stuff stains the crap out of anything it touches. If you're a sloppy eater, I hope you're a fan of little yellow spots on your clothes.

Corn Relish

Ingredients

• 2 quarts sweet corn kernels 
• 4 cups chopped cabbage 
• 1 cup chopped onion 
• 1 cup chopped green bell pepper (sometimes we'll use yellow pepper in place of green)
• 1 cup chopped red bell pepper 
• 1 cup white sugar 
• 2 tablespoons ground dry mustard 
• 1 tablespoon celery seed 
• 1 tablespoon mustard seed 
• 1 tablespoon salt 
• 1 tablespoon ground turmeric 
• 1 quart apple cider vinegar 
• 1 cup water

Directions

1. In a large saucepan, mix corn, cabbage, onion, green bell pepper, red bell pepper, white sugar, ground dry mustard, celery seed, mustard seed, salt, turmeric, apple cider vinegar and water. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer 20 minutes. 
2. Transfer the mixture to sterile containers. Seal and process in boiling water bath. Process 25 minutes for quart jars. As always, refer to the National Center for Home Food Preservation for tips on how to not accidentally poison yourself or loved ones.

Good times!