The Pork Hat Trick

     Man, do I love pork. I love pork in all its wonderful forms. It's so versatile; you can eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Granted, the same could be said for Cap'n Crunch, but there you have it. I have been wanting to do some form of goofy pork loin in the smoker for a while now. I figured pork inside pork wrapped in pork was the way to go. This recipe, due to time and labor, qualifies as a certified Pain In The Ass. Mind you, it's totally worth it. I apologize in advance for the vagueness about cooking time. If you're using a smoker, you've already committed to a big hunk of time. Just check the temp regularly. Throw some chicken on the smoker, too. That will be ready before the pork so you'll have something to snack on. See how I take care of you? What do I get for it? Heartache. You're driving me to an early grave.

The Pork Hat Trick

Ingredients

• 2.5-3 pound pork loin
• 1 pound pork sausage with sage
• 1 pound thick cut bacon
• 3 sprigs dried rosemary
• 3 tablespoons Three Mustard Pepper Relish
• Uncle Joe's Rubdown
• olive oil
• apple juice

Directions

1. With a fillet or other sharp knife, butterfly the pork loin. How do you butterfly a pork loin? Follow this handy link to a fine set of instructions (that I did not write). You should end up with a 1/2" or so thick rectangle of pork.
2. Spread a layer of the mustard pepper relish evenly across the pork.
3. Spread the pork sausage in an even layer over the relish.

   

   I suppose you could just chuck it in the oven and bake it at this point.
   MEAT PIZZA

4. Sprinkle with the dried rosemary. 
5. Here's where things get fun. Roll up the loin, jelly-roll style. Then, wrap it with the bacon. Use what ever method you'd like for the bacon, weave it, drape it, you pick. Once you have the bacon situated, take some butcher's twine and go full bondage on that bad boy. You don't want it unraveling. Wipe down the twine with olive oil to keep the twine from burning.
   

   

   50 Shades of Pork

6. Sprinkle the rub onto the roast. If you don't have Uncle Joe's you're missing out and will have to use something else.
7. Get that bad boy out to your smoker. Smoke the loin until an instant read thermometer gives you around 160F. Occasionally spray the loin with apple juice to keep it moist. I smoked mine for three or so hours. Can't say for sure. I was drinking. Time may depend on how hot your smoker is running. Alternately, throw it in the oven at 375F until the desired temp is reached. 

   

   ACTION SHOT. 

8. Once the desired internal temperature is reached, take it off the heat and let it rest for 10-15 minutes. It's been through a lot and needs time to collect itself. Congratulate yourself on a job well done with your sixth Jim Beam and Mr. Pibb of the day.
9. After resting, slice that bastard up and eat until you're sick. Which is entirely possible if you didn't cook it long enough.

Good times!

Beef and Broccoli in Sweet and Pungent Sauce

     My town has one major flaw. Lots of drunks on lawnmowers. Okay, two major flaws. Drunks on lawn mowers and plastic fires. Okay, three major flaws. Drunks on mowers, plastic fires and no plows in the winter. Okay, four major flaws. Drunks on mowers, plastic fires, no plows and dogs running loose everywhere...
     I guess I'm getting off track here. My town has some serious shortcomings. The one I was trying to get to was the lack of Chinese carryout. I have to drive 30 minutes round trip to pick up carryout from the nearest Chinese restaurant. That's crazy. I have taken it upon myself to learn Chinese cooking so I can just make this stuff at home. This is a recipe for the classic beef and broccoli. The sauce was something I hadn't had before. Sweet and pungent. Not that orange sweet and sour, but something entirely different. It was fantastic. It's a bit labor intensive and bordering on a PITA, but it's totally worth trying.  Unless you live near a Chinese restaurant, in which case pick me up some egg foo young. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Beef and Broccoli
in Sweet and Pungent Sauce
via The 1000 Recipe Chinese Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 pound beef stew meat, cut into 1/4" slices
• 1 egg
• 1 clove garlic
• cornstarch
• oil for frying
• 1 pound broccoli florets (preferably fresh, but if you use frozen, defrost and drain first)

For sauce

• 3/4 cup water
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 2 tablespoons tomato sauce
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• a few drops of sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon corn starch
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1/4 cup water

Directions

For beef 

1. Beat egg in a bowl. Add garlic. 
2. Dip beef in egg mixture, dredge in corn starch to coat. 
3. In a pan (I used my cast iron skillet), heat about 1/2" vegetable oil. Add beef slices, a few at a time and fry until golden. Remove to paper towel to drain.

For sauce

1. In a medium saucepan (you'll be using vinegar, so make sure the pan is nonreactive), bring water to a boil. Add sugar and stir. Cook until sugar is dissolved. Add vinegar and cook for a minute or so. Add tomato sauce, garlic, fish sauce, ginger, red pepper flakes and sesame oil. Stir and cook another minute.
2. Blend cornstarch, soy sauce and cold water to a paste. Stir into sauce to thicken. 

For broccoli

1. Steam or boil broccoli to whatever consistency you prefer.

Once the beef, sauce and broccoli are done, toss all together over low heat until sauce covers beef and broccoli evenly. Serve over white rice.

Good times!

Swedish Rye Bread

     There seems to be a sharp division on rye bread. It's like pumpernickel. People either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground. Those people who don't like it are totally entitled to their opinions. They are however, totally wrong. Rye bread is great. Especially this rye bread. Granted, this bread will qualify as a PITA due to the 2+ hours of rising time. It's worth the wait. The recipe makes 3 loaves and the loaves freeze really well. Just wrap each loaf in plastic shrink and then in a layer of heavy aluminum foil. When you're ready, just take it out and let it get back to room temperature on it's own. This is a good, hearty bread with just a touch of sweetness. You'll love it. Or you're wrong. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Swedish Rye Loaves
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup old-fashioned oats
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup molasses
• 5 tablespoons butter, divided (we omitted the 1 divided tablespoon of butter for reasons that will become apparent)
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 cups boiling water
• 3 cups bread flour (theoretically, if you use any flour for bread, doesn't it count as "bread" flour? I hope they meant white flour, because that's what I used)
• 2 packages (.25 ounce each) of active dry yeast
• 3 cups rye flour
• 1 teaspoon caraway seeds (omitted. The Wife is not a fan of bread with seeds)

Directions

1. In a bowl, combine the oats, brown sugar, molasses, 4 tablespoons butter and salt; stir in boiling water. Let stand until mixture cools to 120-130F, stirring occasionally.
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine 2 cups of bread flour and yeast. Add the molasses mixture. Stir in rye flour and enough of the remaining flour to form a medium stiff dough (we used all the flour called for in the recipe and a tiny bit more). Turn out onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes (we did this entire step in our KitchenAid with the dough hook. I plan on using that thing until it explodes)
3. Place in bowl covered with non-stick cooking spray, turning once to coat the top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.
4. Punch down dough, cover and let rise in again until doubled, about 30 minutes. 
5. Punch down dough, Turn out onto floured surface and divide into three portions. Shape into loaves (I went with round loaves because it's the easiest and very rustic looking. Everybody loves that rustic looking stuff). Place on baking sheets covered with nonstick cooking spray (I used a pizza stone and everything came out wonderfully). Cover and let rise until doubled, about 30 minutes (I know! The rising times qualify this as a PITA. This is the last rise. I promise. This will be totally worth it. Unless you don't like rye bread, in which case you just wasted a bunch of time and ingredients).
6. Cut a shallow cross across the top of each loaf to prevent uneven expansion during baking, Bake at 375F (190C, Gasmark5) for 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown (our oven consistently takes 35 minutes to cook these loaves)
7. Cool on wire racks
8. Melt remaining butter; brush over loaves and sprinkle with caraway seeds. Cool. (Omitted)

Good times!

Altoids Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

     Every now and then I get wild hair and decide to drag out the old ice cream maker. There's a pretty good recipe for vanilla custard ice cream in there that I used as the base of this recipe. I had a taste for mint chocolate chip. I had the chocolate chips, but no mint. I don't really keep that kind of extract in the house. I do, however, keep Altoids. I read somewhere that you can substitute crushed Altoids when you need mint. That's what I did. I crushed up some Altoids and added green food coloring for that unmistakable "Shamrock Shake Green" tint. This made for some fantastic ice cream. It's a bit of a P.I.T.A. to make. If you want ice cream fast, just head to the Dairy Queen. Pick me up a Dilly Bar while you're there. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Altoids Mint Chocolate Chip
Ice Cream

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup sugar
• 4 egg yolks (I really despise having to de-yolk the eggs. It means I end up having to find stuff to do with the whites)
• 1-1/4 cups milk
• 1-1/4 cups whipping cream
• 1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla
• 1/2 cup mini chocolate chips (use more if you'd like. 1/2 cup of chips isn't really visible, but they're in there!)
• 10 drops green food coloring
• 10 crushed peppermint Altoids (Yes. Altoids. Just trust me on this)

Directions

1. Beat egg yolks and sugar until light (I started making this around noon, so it was already light. I guess I was supposed to start this sometime after sunset). Add the crushed Altoids to the milk and heat the milk to just boiling. Slowly beat the milk into the egg/sugar mix (be careful that the milk isn't too hot or it's going to cook the eggs when you pour it in. Also, don't dump it all in at once. That's bad, too. Or so I've heard. I don't make mistakes like that).
2. Pour the mixture into a saucepan and cook, stirring constantly until thick enough to coat the back of a spoon (this takes a while. Be patient. Have a glass of wine or six). Cool completely. 
3. Add the whipping cream and vanilla to the custard. Combine thoroughly. Refrigerate until cold.
4. Toss the mixture in the ice cream maker of your choice. Once it starts mixing, add the food coloring and chocolate chips. Process about 30 minutes. Throw it in the freezer if you want it a bit harder. (Take note of the fact that I took the moral high ground and did not make an obvious erection joke.)

Good times!

UPDATE: This was just too good looking not to add to the post.

Bagels!

     For the longest time, our house has had a huge stockpile of bagels. Our local market carries Pepperidge Farm overstock, so we could get bags of six bagels for 99 cents! Our freezer was stuffed. Lately, they haven't been stocking the bagels, so I was forced to take drastic measures and make them myself. I once again turned to my trusty copy of Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals. There just happened to be a pretty good looking bagel recipe. While the bagels are really, really good, they are a bit labor intensive, pushing P.I.T.A. status. It's worth the effort, though. You end up with bagels with a nice crust and a chewy middle. I'm talking deli-delicious. As always, any notes or changes are in blue. 

Bagels!
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon active dry yeast (2 of the little packets)
• 1-1/4 cup warm (110-115F) water
• 3 tablespoons canola oil (we used vegetable oil)
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 tablespoons, plus 1/4 cup honey, divided (we omitted the other 1/4 cup of honey, as you'll only use it for boiling the bagels. It just seemed wasteful)
• 1 teaspoon brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 egg
• 4-5 cups bread flour (we use 5 cups every time)
• 2 tablespoons dried minced onion
• 2 tablespoon sesame seeds
• 2 tablespoons poppy seeds (omitted. We didn't have any on hand)
• 2 tablespoons garlic powder

Directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, dissolve yeast in warm water. Add the oil, sugar, 3 tablespoons honey, brown sugar, salt and egg. Mix well. Stir in enough flour to form a soft dough. Turn out onto a floured surface and knead 8-10 minutes (we mixed and kneaded everything in the KitchenAid. If we have it, we're going to use it until it explodes.) Cover and let rest for 10 minutes.
2. Shape dough into 12 pieces. Roll each piece into a 10" rope (we just set out a tape measure on the counter to make it simple). Form bagels by overlapping the ends; pinch to seal. Place on a lightly floured surface. Cover and let rest for another 20 minutes.
3. In a large post bring 8 cups of water and remaining honey to a boil (again, we left out that extra honey. Honey is expensive and I don't think I'm really losing anything by not using it. Maybe once the Bugatti gets back from the shop, we'll try it with the extra honey). Drop bagels, one at a time (that is dumb. The pot will hold three! I boiled three at a time), into boiling water. Boil for 45 seconds. Flip the bagels and boil for another 45 seconds. Remove bagels and allow to drain. 

   

   See? Plenty of room.

4. Place bagels on baking sheets lined with parchment paper (2 times in a row I forgot to buy parchment paper. We used foil sprayed with nonstick cooking spray and nothing terrible happened). Sprinkle with the minced onion, sesame seeds and garlic (or whatever topping you choose).
5. Bake at 425F (220C, Gasmark 7) for 12 minutes. Flip bagels and cook another 5 minutes (the cooking time was pretty accurate, but keep an eye on things as cooking times may vary).

Good Times!

Double Banana Cake

     My first foray into layer cakes was for The Wife's birthday a couple years ago. I found the recipe in an issue of Bon Appetit and figured I'd give it a whirl. I would consider it a fair first effort. The thing looked pretty rough and weighed a damned ton. However, it tasted fantastic. There's just something about a layer cake that impresses me. I'd like to think that it all started with some guy saying, "I like cake so damned much, I'm going to just start stacking them on each other and frosting the whole thing. Pancreas be damned!" Fair warning, I consider all layer cakes to be PITAs, so be ready to put in some work. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Double Banana Cake
via Bon Appetit

Ingredients

Cake

• 1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) unsalted butter plus more for pans, room temperature (since I never have actual butter on hand, margarine was used)
• 3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt
• 2 1/4 cups sugar
• 6 large eggs
• 3 cups coarsely mashed very ripe bananas (about 6 large)
• 3/4 cup sour cream

Frosting

• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature (still using margarine)
• 4 cups powdered sugar (good lord, I hope you have a strong pancreas)
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 2 ripe but not mushy bananas, cut crosswise into 1/8-inch slices

Directions

Cake

1. Preheat oven to 325°. Butter two 8"-diameter cake pans with sides 2" high. Line bottoms of pans with parchment paper rounds (I left my parchment square shaped. I didn't have a compass handy and didn't feel the difference in shape would alter the flavor). Whisk flour, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl. Using an electric mixer, beat 1 1/2 cups butter and sugar in another large bowl until light and fluffy, 2–3 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, beating to blend between additions. With mixer on low, gradually beat in flour mixture, scraping sides of bowl. Mix in bananas, then sour cream. Divide batter between pans.
2. Bake cakes until a tester inserted into the center comes out clean, 50–55 minutes. Let cool for 20 minutes in pans on wire racks.
3. Invert cakes onto wire racks; let cool completely. Remove parchment. Using a serrated knife, trim off rounded tops (Nope. I went ahead and stacked those sumbitches as is).

Frosting

1. Using an electric mixer, beat first 5 ingredients in a large bowl until light and fluffy, 6–7 minutes.
2. Place 1 cake on a plate. Spread 1 cup frosting over. Arrange banana slices on top. Top with second cake. Spread a thin layer of frosting over top and sides of cake; chill for 30 minutes. Spread remaining frosting over top and sides of cakes (Protip: Maybe wait a while for the cakes to cool off before putting on the frosting. I didn't, which explains why my cake looks like it has eczema).

Here's an alternate cake recipe if you prefer rhubarb

Good times!

Chicken in Spicy Red Sauce (lal shorve vala murgh)

     It's always nice to find a flavor-packed recipe that comes together quick enough to use as a mid-week meal. This particular recipe was a fine way to use up a big pack of discounted chicken thighs that was taking up room in the freezer. You are welcome to use any cut of chicken you'd like. While the recipe comes together in less than an hour, it does qualify as a PITA, since it requires constant vigilance until you get to the simmering stage. It's worth it. We served it up with a side of Stir-Fried Green Cabbage with Fennel Seeds. This makes for a satisfying meal that's mercifully low on calories. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Chicken in a Spicy Red Sauce
lal shorve vala murgh
via Madhur Jaffrey's Quick and Easy Indian Cooking

Ingredients

• 2-1/4 pounds chicken pieces
• 1 teaspoon salt or to taste
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 7 large cloves garlic, peeled and coarsely chopped
• 2 inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and coarsely chopped (we grated ours, since chopping ginger is more trouble than it's worth)
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• Generous pinch asafetida optional (this is a powder that's available at Indian grocers. Alternately, you can get it at The Spice House online.)
• 1 teaspoon cumin seeds
• 2 inch stick cinnamon
• 6 cardamom pods (didn't have the pods on hand. I did have cardamom seeds. I used about a dozen)
• 5 whole cloves
• 3 dried, hot red chiles (I used my own dried cayenne)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
• 1/8-1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (don't be a wuss, use 1/4)
• 1-1/2 cup canned, chopped tomatoes (I used canned whole tomatoes. They'll break up during the cooking)
• 12 ounces potatoes, peeled and cut into 1-1/2 inch chunks (I'm pretty sure we cut ours into 1/2 inch chunks because I don't read directions particularly well)

Directions

1. Sprinkle the chicken pieces lightly with salt and black pepper and set aside.
2. Put the garlic and ginger into a blender, along with 3 tablespoons water and blend into a paste.
3. Put the oil in a wide, nonstick pan and set over medium high heat (I used my enameled Dutch oven. I figured there's be a lot going on here and I didn't want everything spilling over the sides of my pan. The Wife will abide a small mess, but nothing extravagant). When the oil is hot, put in the asafetida if using. A few seconds later, put in the cumin seeds. Wait 10 seconds and put in the cinnamon stick, cardamom, cloves and chiles. Stir for a few seconds until the large spices begin to turn darker. Add the garlic and ginger paste. Stir and fry it for about 2 minutes. Add the chicken, turmeric and cayenne. Stir and fry for another minute (nothing like dozens of tiny time constraints to make you want to order a pizza). Add the chopped tomatoes, potatoes, 1-1/4 cup water and 1 teaspoon salt. Bring to a boil. Lower to a simmer. Cover and simmer gently for 25-30 minutes or until the chicken and potatoes are tender (I'd be more concerned with the chicken being done. An undercooked potato won't kill you). 

Good times!

Flaugnarde with Pears

     Every now and then I like to dabble in food that is bordering on pretentious. Not surprisingly, that food is usually French (ZING! I just lost my French fans). Usually one of the more reliable sources for pretentious food is Food & Wine Magazine. I skimmed a few issues and found this recipe for Flaugnarde. If you're curious, it's pronounced "flow-nyard," not "flawg-nahrd." My pronunciation sounds more Nordic. This is certainly not a Nordic dessert, otherwise it would feature some form of whitefish (ZING! There go my Nordic fans).  While this recipe is not particularly labor intensive, it is time intensive, taking around four hours from start to finish. It's actually worth it. The end result is very much like a Dutch Baby (the pancake, not an actual Dutch baby). As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Flaugnarde with Pears
via Food & Wine

Ingredients

• 3 large eggs
• 3/4 cup cake flour (I use all-purpose flour when I make cakes, so I imagine it's the same as "cake flour." Don't bother explaining any difference. I already used the all-purpose)
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour (I used "donut flour" here. I'm kidding. I still used all-purpose)
• Pinch of salt
• 1 cup warm milk
• 1 tablespoon dark rum (don't think for a minute that I didn't fix myself a cocktail while the bottle was open)
• 3 tablespoons superfine sugar
• 2 ripe medium Bartlett pears— peeled, cored and thinly sliced (no fresh pears on hand. I used 2 cups of pears I canned in bourbon syrup the season before. You can never go wrong with more booze)

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, whisk together the eggs, cake and all-purpose flours, salt and 1/4 cup of the milk until smooth. Whisk in the remaining 3/4 cup of milk, the rum and 1 1/2 tablespoons of the sugar. Cover with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 3 hours (3 hours to kill and an open bottle of rum sitting right there...

   

   ...and why am I laying on the kitchen floor?

2. Preheat the oven to 450° (230C, Gasmark 8) and coat a deep 9-inch cake pan with half of the butter. Pour the batter into the pan and arrange the pear slices on top. Dot with the remaining butter and bake in the lower third of the oven for 15 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 400° (200C, Gasmark 6) and bake for 30 minutes longer, or until the flaugnarde is puffed and deeply golden (this actually cooked according to the time on the recipe, but your time may vary) Let cool for 2 minutes, then sprinkle (use a sifter unless you like the big clumps I ended up with) with the remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons of sugar and serve.

Good times!

Shepherds Pie

     Shepherds Pie is a deceptive dish. It looks like it would be really simple. However, there's a fair bit of work that goes in to making this dish. It doesn't quite qualify as a PITA, but it's close. This particular version comes from my dear friend, Gordon Ramsay* over at Channel 4. While this dish is not terribly difficult to make, it is a bit labor intensive. It's worth the effort, as you end up with a delicious meal. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Shepherds Pie
via my close, personal friend, Gordon Ramsay

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp olive oil
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper (I actually have sea salt on hand! Amazing!)
• 1 lb. minced lean lamb (um...no. I'll be using lean ground beef. I'm not made of money)
• 1 large onion, finely grated
• 1 large carrot, finely grated
• 2 cloves garlic
• 2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tbsp tomato puree (I hope that meant tomato paste, because that's what I used)
• Handful of thyme sprigs, leaves picked (not a chance. I used 1 teaspoon dried)
• 1 sprig of rosemary, needles chopped (I used dried here, too)
• 1 cup red wine (I used a dry. I hate drinking dry wines, so I use them for cooking)
• 1-1/4 chicken stock
• 2 pounds Desiree potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks (I don't think that kind of potato is even real. I think Ramsay just made that up and figured nobody would call bullshit. I just used Russets)
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 2 egg yolks
• Parmesan, for grating (or a handy plastic jar, for shaking, since I don't keep block Parmesan on hand)
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• Sea salt & freshly ground black pepper

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350F (180C, Gasmark 4)

2. Heat the oil in a large pan until hot. Season the meat and fry in the oil over moderate to high heat for 2-3 minutes. Stir the onions and carrot into the mince then grate the garlic in as well. Add the Worcestershire sauce, tomato puree (paste) and herbs and cook for 1-2 minutes, stirring constantly. Pour in the red wine and reduce until almost completely evaporated (if you opened a new bottle of wine for this recipe, just go ahead and drink it while you cook. That way, if you screw up, you'll be too shitfaced to care). Add the chicken stock, bring to the boil and simmer until the sauce has thickened

3. Meanwhile, cook the potatoes in boiling salted water until tender. Drain, then return to the hot pan over low heat to dry out briefly. Pass them through a potato ricer (that's a gadget I do not own. I just went ahead and mashed them with my trusty masher) then beat in the egg yolks, followed by about 2 tbsp grated Parmesan. Check for seasoning (don't just point to it on the counter and shout, "There it is!" Add it to the potatoes if needed). 

4. Spoon the meat into the bottom of a large ovenproof dish. Using a large spoon, layer the mashed potato generously on top of the meat, starting from the outside and working your way into the middle (if you try to layer from the middle out, you'll rip a hole in the universe. True story). Grate some extra Parmesan over and season. Fluff up the mash potato with a fork to make rough peaks. Bake in the oven for approximately 20 minutes, until bubbling and golden brown.

Good times!

*Gordon Ramsay is currently unaware I even exist. 

Cranberry Cheese Danish

     I'm not sure what compelled me to try out this recipe. A quick look will tell you this recipe is going to be a Pain In The Ass. However, my love for Danish trumps my laziness. I decided to give this recipe a go. It originally called for blueberries, which I did not have on hand. I wound up using some cranberries we had in the freezer. You could certainly use raspberries or blackberries. The end result will be well worth it. This is a great bit of pastry. The cranberries complemented the lemon icing perfectly. It was everything I could do to keep the wife from just standing at the counter and eating the whole thing at once. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Cranberry Cheese Danish
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup 1% cottage cheese (there's no telling what the other 99% is)
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup 1% milk (I used 2% just to be difficult)
• 1/4 cup canola oil (I used corn oil)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Filling

• 4 ounces reduced-fat cream cheese (as always, I used Neufchatel)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 egg, separated 
• 1 teaspoon grated lemon peel (I'm assuming they meant fresh. I didn't have fresh. I used 1/2 teaspoon dried lemon peel from a jar)
• 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries (we substituted cranberries we inexplicably stashed in the freezer some time back)
• 1 tablespoon water

Glaze

• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
• 2 teaspoons lemon juice (that is NOT enough liquid to do anything other than give you a chewy ball of sugar. It took us 4 teaspoons of lemon juice to get the sugar into a usable consistency. The extra lemon flavor worked great with the cranberries, too. This goes to prove that I'm a friggin' genius)

Directions

1. In a blender or food processor, cover and process cottage cheese until smooth (did I just really get told to put the lid on the blender or food processor before running? I can't even turn the damned processor on with the lid off! Do they think I'm stupid? Do they think I'm going to say, "Holy shit! I think I'll run the blender with the lid off!" *BLAM!* "Fucking A! Look at the the cottage cheese on the ceiling! That's great!") Add sugar milk, oil and vanilla; process until smooth (Wait! They didn't tell me to take the lid back off! How the hell am I going to get the rest of the shit in there?)
2.  Combine the flour, baking powder and salt; add to cheese mixture. Process until dough forms a ball (I was leery about doing this in the processor. I transferred it all to the Kitchenaid). Dough will be sticky. Turn onto a floured surface; knead 4-5 times. Place in a bowl; cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes.
3. In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add egg yolk, lemon peel and vanilla; mix well. 
4. Turn dough out onto a 17"x13" piece of parchment paper. Roll dough into a 16"x12" rectangle. Transfer with paper to a baking sheet. Spread cream cheese mixture lengthwise in a 3-1/2" wide strip down the center of the dough; sprinkle with berries. 

   

   Looking berry good! I'm not apologizing for that pun.

5. On each long side, cut 1" wide strips about 3-3/4" into center. Fold alternating strips at an angle across berries. Pinch ends to seal and tuck under (I tucked on the top just to be an asshole). Beat egg white and water; brush over dough.
6. Bake at 400F for 20-22 minutes or until golden brown (we went about 25 minutes. Cooking times may vary). Remove to a wire rack.
7. Combine glaze ingredients; drizzle over warm pastry. Refrigerate leftovers.

Good times!

Braided Butternut Squash Bread

     It's a good thing The Wife is really good at braiding bread. Her challah is supreme. This time we used her preternatural braiding abilities to make a braided butternut squash bread. I found the original recipe at Allrecipes. We wound up making this bread because we've had a surplus of frozen butternut squash and have been on a crusade to find fun ways to use it. This is certainly a great way to use butternut squash. After the bread came out of the oven, we just stood there like morons, vacantly shoving hot bread in our mouths until we were through half a loaf. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Braided Butternut Squash Bread
via Allrecipes.com

Ingredients

• 1 butternut squash, peeled, seeded and cubed (I always wonder why we have to be told to peel a butternut squash. Do you think there's anybody out there who just can't get enough butternut squash peel?)
• 1 (0.25 ounce) package active dry yeast
• 2 tablespoons warm (110F) water
• 1/3 cup warm (110F) milk
• 1/4 cup butter, softened
• 2 eggs
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar (we used 4 tablespoons. You could probably do 5 or 6 if you wanted a really sweet bread)
• 1/4 teaspoon salt (we followed a suggestion to go with 3/4 teaspoon salt to bring out the butternut squash flavor)
• 3 cups all-purpose flour (the dough is totally unworkable with this much flour. It's almost still liquid. We wound up using 4-1/2 cups flour)
• 1 tablespoon water

Directions

1. In a large saucepan, cover cubed squash with water. Bring water to a boil and cook until tender, about 15-20 minutes. Let cool and mash. Reserve 1 cup for use and freeze the remainder for later use (or just tell me I only needed 1 cup of boiled, mashed squash so I didn't have to cook all of it! What if I didn't want all that extra mashed squash? Why doesn't anybody consider my feelings? THIS IS WHY I DRINK)
2. In a small bowl, dissolve yeast in warm water (2 tablespoons of water). Let stand until creamy, about 10 minutes (this is the first time I've ever seen yeast described as "creamy." I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it)
3. In a large bowl (I used the Kitchenaid for this, so I just used the mixing bowl) combine the yeast mixture with milk, butter, 1 cup mashed squash, 1 egg, brown sugar, salt and 2 cups of the flour; stir well to combine. Stir in remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time (I used 1/4 cup at a time just to be spiteful), beating well after each addition. When the dough has pulled together, turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic, about 8 minutes (I just used the dough hook on the mixer for this. I don't have time for needless manual labor)
4. Lightly oil a large bowl; place dough in bowl and turn to coat with oil. Cover with a damp cloth and let rise in a warm place until doubled in volume, about 1 hour. 
5. Deflate the dough ("Deflate?" It makes it sound like you're working with an air mattress. When I work with dough, I "punch it down." It's what Chuck Norris would do)

   

   Told you so.

6. This section describes how to cut the dough and get it braided. I consider it a Pain In The Ass (PITA) and will not waste the time or space typing it. Instead, I'm going to just link you the YouTube video the wife used to learn. It obviously works. You're going to want to split the dough in half first. You're looking to make 2 loaves here. Once you figure out the braiding, cover the loaves and let rise for another 30 minutes on a greased baking sheet.
7. In a small bowl, beat together remaining egg and 1 tablespoon water. Brush loaves with egg wash. Bake for 20-25 minutes at 350F (we went with 25 minutes and the bread came out great)

Good times!

Tomato and Roasted Pepper Chutney

     Over the summer, chutneys became one of our go-to ways to process surplus veggies. If you were following us this summer, you'll know we were absolutely laden down with bell peppers and tomatoes. Whenever we have crazy amounts of produce to use, we usually end up consulting Preserve It! This book has a few wonderful chutney recipes. Fair warning, making chutney does qualify as a PITA (Pain In The Ass). It's time consuming and requires a fair amount of attention. The result is totally worth it, though. This stuff is great on crackers with cream cheese or brie. It's also good on bagels. If you do decide to process this for long term storage, I once again recommend consulting the National Center for Home Food Preparation for information on how not to accidentally make someone's anus fall out. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Tomato and Roasted Pepper Chutney
via Preserve It!

Ingredients

• 1 red bell pepper
• 1 orange bell pepper (no orange peppers on hand. We just used another red pepper)
• 1 yellow bell pepper
• 3 lb. ripe tomatoes, plunged into boiling water for 1 minute and then peeled
• 2 onions, coarsely chopped
• 2-1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 2 cups white wine vinegar

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 400F. Place the peppers on a baking sheet and cook for about 25-30 minutes, until they begin to char slightly. Remove from the oven, put in a plastic bag and leave to cool.
2. Remove the pepper stems, skins and seeds (we core, stem, seed and slice the peppers before actually cooking them. It just seems more logical. Also, peeling the peppers has never failed to be a total Pain In The Ass). Coarsely chop the tomatoes. Transfer the peeled tomatoes, roasted peppers and onions to a food processor; pulse briefly until chopped but not mushy.
3. Transfer the mixture to a preserving pan (couldn't even tell you what that is)  or a large, heavy-bottomed, stainless steel saucepan (I do have one of those!) with the sugar and vinegar. Cook over low heat, stirring continuously, until the sugar has dissolved. Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cook for about 1 to 1-1/2 hours, stirring occasionally, until it starts to thicken and turn sticky (try to read that last bit again without snickering). You may need to increase the heat a little toward the end of cooking, but stir continuously so the chutney doesn't stick to the bottom of the pan. 
4. Ladle into warm, sterilized, half-pint jars, leaving about 1/4" head space, and making sure there are no air gaps. Cover and seal with a two part lid. Process in a boiling water bath for 12 minutes (If you want to do pint jars, boil for 15-16 minutes. You can thank me now for changing this step from the cookbook. The book says to process in the water bath, THEN put on the lids. I assure you, that won't work unless you're some sort of sorcerer). Store in a cool, dark place. Allow the flavors to mature for 1 month. Refrigerate after opening.  

Good times!

Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic

     We love garlic. A lot. If garlic truly possesses all the health benefits attributed to it, the wife and I should be functionally immortal. So when we find a recipe that calls for 40 cloves of garlic, we are duty bound to have it. There's plenty of versions of this recipe; we used the recipe from Barefoot In Paris, by Ina Garten. It is a fairly labor intensive recipe, so it qualifies as a PITA. Peeling 40 cloves of garlic sucks. However, the end result is totally worth the effort. If you want to cook to impress, this is a good way to do it. You're just not going to be kissing anybody for a while. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic
via Barefoot In Paris
by Ina Garten

Ingredients

• 3 whole heads of garlic, about 40 cloves (about? Screw that. The recipe isn't called "Chicken with about 40 Cloves of Garlic. It says 40. I'm using 40)
• 2 (3.5 pound) chickens, cut into eights (I don't normally keep whole chickens in the house. I used 6 enormous breasts. I like enormous breasts)
• Kosher salt
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter (I just used regular stick margarine)
• 2 tablespoons good olive oil (good call there. The evil olive oil is prone to otherworldly moaning and floating around the room)
• 3 tablespoons Cognac, divided
• 1-1/2 cups dry white wine
• 1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves (I used 1 teaspoon dry)
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 2 tablespoons heavy cream

Directions

1. Separate cloves of garlic and drop them in a pot of boiling water for 60 seconds. Drain the garlic and peel. Set aside.
2. Dry the chicken with paper towels. Season liberally with salt and pepper on both sides. Heat the butter and oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Working in batches 

   

   Sorry. Carry on.

   saute the chicken in fat, skin-side down first, until nicely browned, about 3-5 minutes on each side. Turn with tongs or spatula. Do not pierce the skin. If the fat is burning, turn the heat down to medium. When a batch is done, transfer it to a plate and continue with the next batch.
3. Remove the chicken to a plate and add all the garlic to the pot. Lower the heat and saute for 5-10 minutes, turning often (the garlic, not you. You'll just end up dizzy) until evenly browned. 
4. Add 2 tablespoons of the Cognac and all of the wine, return to a boil and scrape the brown bits from the bottom of the pan. 
5. Return the chicken with the juices to the pot and sprinkle with the thyme. Cover and simmer over low heat for about 30 minutes, until all the chicken is done.Remove the chicken to a platter (plate, whatever) and cover with aluminum foil to keep warm.
6.  In a small bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup of the sauce from the pot and the flour, and then whisk it back into the sauce in the pot. Raise the heat, add the remaining tablespoon of Cognac and the cream and boil for 3 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Pour the sauce and garlic over the chicken and serve hot.