Cottage Cheese Bread

It's been a long time since I've bought a loaf of bread from the store. Baking fresh bread on a Sunday has become a favorite activity in my house. The Spud loves to help with the dry ingredients and is mystified by the rising of the dough. She is under the impression that if she kisses the dough, that provides the magic to make it rise for baking. No clue where she got that idea. We like to keep a basic loaf available for sandwiches and toast. Normally I used a Dill-Seed bread recipe, and just left out the dill. However, that, and many other of our standard loaf recipes called for whole-wheat flour. If the pandemic lockdown has caused any odd impact, it's that I absolutely can't find whole-wheat flour anywhere in two counties. I wound up altering the recipe and came up with a very serviceable white bread that is great for sandwiches and toasts very well.

Cottage Cheese Bread
adapted from James Beard's Dill-Seed Bread recipe

Ingredients

• 1 package fast-rising yeast
• 2 teaspoons sugar
• 1/2 cup warm water (100-115F, 38-46C) 
• 1 cup cottage cheese at room temperature
• 1 egg, beaten
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 3 cups white flour

Directions

1. In a large bowl, dissolve the yeast and sugar. Proof for about 5 minutes.
2. Add cottage cheese and egg to the yeast mix.
3. In a large bowl, mix flour, salt and baking soda.
4. Add flour to wet mix and mix/knead until you get a slightly sticky, but elastic dough (I did this in my Kitchenaid and it took about 4-5 minutes to get the right consistency. By hand it would likely take 10 or more minutes)
5. Put dough in a greased bowl, cover, and let it rise to double in size (about an hour)
6. Punch down dough and place in a greased loaf pan. Cover and allow to rise to double size again (about another hour)
7. With a super sharp knife, run a slit down the center of the loaf.
8. Place in a preheated oven at 375F (190C, Gasmark 5) for 40 minutes.
9. Cool on a wire rack

Good times!

Homebound Day #35: The Other Shoe Falls.

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog post on the stay at home order and much has happened. For one, our governor has declared school buildings will not reopen for the remainder of this school year; all classes will continue online. So that means it's a good thing I cleared the yogurts out of my classroom fridge before I left.
The other big thing was that my car died. With The Wife and Spud in it, and the dogs, and $100+ in groceries, and the curbside order from Chili's we picked up. Stone dead. Friday evening. Had to get the mother-in-law to come pick us up. I had a spectacular meltdown. Had the car towed to the dealership. Good news, the battery just died. Like forever dead. I also found out I needed front brakes and a tune up (this was not a surprise, the car has like 115,000 miles on it.) Fortunately, it's not like I need the car for anything.
I also discovered that white flour is Nigh Impossible to purchase. Stores that do have flour are selling it in one pound zip bags, like cocaine. The other choice is the convenient 25 pound restaurant/hotel bag.

But at $15.99, I can't complain.
Time to bake 6,000 cookies.

Amazingly that curbside pickup from Chili's was the first meal during this ordeal that was not cooked at home. (They also screwed up my order and gave me fries instead of the onion petals I paid an upcharge for. Granted, the world is coming apart at the seams, so I'll let it go.) I've been cooking a lot, even more than normal. We even ordered a box of meats from a local farm to support the locals and ensure we have good things to eat. 

As far as booze, we've worked through about a third of our supply of wine (originally 48 bottles), and we're close to running out of tequila and gin. We will soon find out how a tequila sunrise is with vodka.

The Spud is taking it all in stride, especially now that the weather will permit her to hang out in the yard. She does comment that she misses school and her friends, and we worry what will happen if her 5th (!) birthday is socially distanced. Honestly, if the cake is big enough, she will be fine.

Hope everyone is doing well and staying safe!

Whole Wheat Bread

     I do believe we've found our favorite wheat bread recipe so far. Most of the wheat bread recipes we've found have resulted in breads that, while tasty, were dense enough to hammer nails. This particular recipe, with a couple changes (firstly we omitted the nuts. The Wife is not a fan of nuts in her bread), resulted in a beautiful loaf of soft, delicious bread with just a hint of sweetness. I used this for a salami and provolone sandwich with some red onion and spicy brown mustard and it was amazing. Truly this bread is fantastic and could easily supplant Shaker or Sally Lunn for our weekly loaf. The first loaf we made didn't even survive two days in our house! You need this bread. Even if you're gluten intolerant, it's worth the pain. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Whole Wheat Bread
(via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals)

Ingredients

• 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1-1/4 cups whole wheat flour
• 3/4 cup finely chopped walnuts (omitted)
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 package (1/4 ounce) quick-rise yeast
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup water
• 1/3 cup reduced-fat plain yogurt (no yogurt on hand, we used sour cream)
• 2 tablespoons butter

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, combine 1 cup all-purpose flour and the rest of the dry ingredients (I used the bowl from my KitchenAid, since that's where I'd be doing the mixing/kneading).
2. In a saucepan, heat water, yogurt (sour cream) and butter to about 120-130F (I just heated until the butter melted in. Either way, let it cool to 110F or below before you move to the next step)
3. Pour liquid ingredients into dry ingredients. Beat until smooth. Add enough remaining all-purpose flour to form a soft dough (we always wind up using all the flour). Turn out onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 4 minutes (On the KitchenAid, I used the dough hook the entire time. I turned it on low, added the liquid, then slowly added the remaining flour and let it knead for about 2-3 minutes)
4. Shape dough into a ball and place on a baking sheet coated with nonstick cooking spray (we used a lightly greased pizza stone). Cover and let rest in a warm place for 20 minutes. (I highly suggest lightly scoring an "X" into the top of the ball with a knife to prevent a mushroom shaped bread. Unless you're into that sort of thing, then do what feels natural)
5. Bake at 400F (200C, Gasmark 6) for 25-30 minutes, (we generally go about 27 minutes) or until golden brown. Turn out on a wire rack to cool.

Good times!

Swedish Rye Bread

     There seems to be a sharp division on rye bread. It's like pumpernickel. People either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground. Those people who don't like it are totally entitled to their opinions. They are however, totally wrong. Rye bread is great. Especially this rye bread. Granted, this bread will qualify as a PITA due to the 2+ hours of rising time. It's worth the wait. The recipe makes 3 loaves and the loaves freeze really well. Just wrap each loaf in plastic shrink and then in a layer of heavy aluminum foil. When you're ready, just take it out and let it get back to room temperature on it's own. This is a good, hearty bread with just a touch of sweetness. You'll love it. Or you're wrong. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Swedish Rye Loaves
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup old-fashioned oats
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup molasses
• 5 tablespoons butter, divided (we omitted the 1 divided tablespoon of butter for reasons that will become apparent)
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 cups boiling water
• 3 cups bread flour (theoretically, if you use any flour for bread, doesn't it count as "bread" flour? I hope they meant white flour, because that's what I used)
• 2 packages (.25 ounce each) of active dry yeast
• 3 cups rye flour
• 1 teaspoon caraway seeds (omitted. The Wife is not a fan of bread with seeds)

Directions

1. In a bowl, combine the oats, brown sugar, molasses, 4 tablespoons butter and salt; stir in boiling water. Let stand until mixture cools to 120-130F, stirring occasionally.
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine 2 cups of bread flour and yeast. Add the molasses mixture. Stir in rye flour and enough of the remaining flour to form a medium stiff dough (we used all the flour called for in the recipe and a tiny bit more). Turn out onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 6-8 minutes (we did this entire step in our KitchenAid with the dough hook. I plan on using that thing until it explodes)
3. Place in bowl covered with non-stick cooking spray, turning once to coat the top. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour.
4. Punch down dough, cover and let rise in again until doubled, about 30 minutes. 
5. Punch down dough, Turn out onto floured surface and divide into three portions. Shape into loaves (I went with round loaves because it's the easiest and very rustic looking. Everybody loves that rustic looking stuff). Place on baking sheets covered with nonstick cooking spray (I used a pizza stone and everything came out wonderfully). Cover and let rise until doubled, about 30 minutes (I know! The rising times qualify this as a PITA. This is the last rise. I promise. This will be totally worth it. Unless you don't like rye bread, in which case you just wasted a bunch of time and ingredients).
6. Cut a shallow cross across the top of each loaf to prevent uneven expansion during baking, Bake at 375F (190C, Gasmark5) for 25-30 minutes, or until golden brown (our oven consistently takes 35 minutes to cook these loaves)
7. Cool on wire racks
8. Melt remaining butter; brush over loaves and sprinkle with caraway seeds. Cool. (Omitted)

Good times!

Braised Chicken and Tomato

     The early 1990's must have been an interesting time to cook. Based on cookbooks from the era like my well-worn copy of Pol Martin's Supreme Cuisine, everything looked like a hot mess. Lots of earth tones and frightening sauces. I love that sort of shit. This recipe comes from the aforementioned book and is super easy to make. It turns out a really nice sauce that's good over rice or egg noodles. Give it a try and relive the days of grunge rock, Tamogotchis and Hypercolor shirts! As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Braised Chicken and Tomato
via Pol Martin's Supreme Cuisine

Ingredients

• 3-4 pounds chicken, cut into sections, washed and skinned
• 1/2 cup flour
• 3 tablespoons butter (I wound up using 5 for reasons still not entirely understood)
• 2 dry shallots, peeled and chopped (None on hand. I used one chopped red onion)
• 1/2 pound fresh mushroom, cleaned and halved
• 2 garlic cloves, smashed and chopped
• 3 plum tomatoes, quartered
• 1 cup dry white wine
• 1/2 cup chicken stock, heated
• 1-1/2 teaspoon basil
• salt and pepper to taste
• (I substituted the previous 6 items with one quart of my own garlic basil canned tomatoes and 1/2 cup water. Nothing really groundbreaking, my canned stuff pretty much had everything they asked for all in one)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (180C, Gasmark 4)
2. Dredge chicken pieces in flour
3. Heat butter in ovenproof pan (I used my trusty cast iron enameled Dutch oven) over medium heat, Add chicken pieces and sear on all sides for 8-10 minutes.
4. Add shallots (or onions), garlic, mushrooms, onions, and tomatoes. Season and cook 6 minutes over medium heat (since I used my own mix, I added the onions and mushrooms for 4-5 minutes, then dumped my canned tomatoes in)
5. Incorporate wine, chicken stock and basil (I skipped this part since I was kind of doing my own thing at this point). Bring to a boil. Cover and cook for 25-30 minutes in the oven.

Good Times!

Too Damned Easy Sausage Gravy

     I wasn't always a fan of biscuits and gravy. In fact, I didn't even know it existed until I went to college and they served it at the cafeteria. Biscuit and gravy day was one of the few weekdays I would get up early. Now I make it at home and don't have to get up early to do it. I don't even have to wear pants. This particular recipe has some heat, as I use plenty of seasoning. It's good on biscuits, crescent rolls, eggs, hash browns, or just about anything breakfasty. It's super fast and easy to make and really dresses up a tube of store-bought biscuit dough.

Too Damned Easy Sausage Gravy

Ingredients

• 1 pound country sausage
• 3 heaping tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1-3/4 cups milk
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon Cajun seasoning
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne 

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan, brown sausage. Do not drain the grease.
2. Lower the heat to low and add all the other ingredients. Stir until dry ingredients are totally incorporated into the milk. Adjust the milk/flour ratios if the consistency needs work. Just remember you may have to adjust the seasonings to account for increased flour and/or milk. 
3. Once it's the consistency you like, take it off the heat and get it on some biscuits!

Good times!

Focaccia

     I don't think I'd be able to live with a gluten intolerance. I like bread way too much. I don't have the willpower to resist it. I'd eat a loaf of garlic bread and then sit in the bathroom for an hour screaming and cursing my existence. Then I'd go eat a stack of waffles. Circle of life and all that. Anyway, I've been meaning to try my hand at focaccia for some time and finally found a nice recipe hiding in one of my Frugal Gourmet cookbooks. This particular recipe takes about three hours from start to finish, so make sure you've set aside enough time for this. It's not particularly labor intensive, it just has a lot of rising time. It's totally worth it, as it makes a bread with a lightly crisp crust and a soft middle. It's very flavorful and seems like you could do all sorts of wonderful things with toppings. I'm calling it a winner. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Focaccia
via The Frugal Gourmet Cooks Three Ancient Cuisines

Ingredients
Dough

• 2 packets quick-rising dry yeast
• 2 cups tepid water
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 4 tablespoons olive oil (use as many virgins as you like)
• 1/2 cup vegetable or salad oil (salad oil? Is that what you get when you wring out lettuce?)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 5-1/2 cups unbleached white flour (I don't believe I've ever had that in the house. I went with regular old bleached white flour)

Topping

• 3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed (I used 4 cloves, and grated them. Take that, Frugal Gourmet!)
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1 teaspoon dried rosemary, whole
• 1 tablespoon kosher salt (I used a Tuscany salt and pepper mixture in a grinder. Very tasty stuff)
• Sun-dried tomatoes. The recipe didn't call for them, but The Wife suggested them. They look great, but don't stay on the dough for shit. You pick up the bread and the tomatoes unceremoniously fall off. Not sure what to do to hold them in place. Maybe toothpicks or rubber cement. 

Directions

1. Dissolve the yeast in tepid water. Add the sugar, olive oil, vegetable oil, and salt. Mix in 3 cups of the flour and whip until the dough begins to leave the sides of the mixing bowl, about 10 minutes (Whip? Whipping dough? Is that a thing? I don't have a whipping attachment for the KitchenAid, so I used the dough hook for the entire procedure)
2. Mix in remaining flour by hand or with a dough hook and knead the dough until it is smooth. Allow the dough to rise twice, in the bowl, and punch down after each rising (I went with about an hour for each rise. The dough will at least double in size)
3. Oil 2 baking sheets, each 18x13"(totally didn't bother measuring. I only own two baking sheets so measuring is kind of moot). Using your fingers, press the dough out to the edges of the pan. Allow to rise for about 30 minutes.
4. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5)
5. Brush with the garlic mixed with the oil for topping. Sprinkle with rosemary and kosher salt on top (or whatever else you decided to chuck on there). Bake for about 20 minutes (We did 20 minutes exactly and the bread came out golden with a nice bottom crust. Kind of like a diaper)

Good Times!

Shaker Bread

     I hope I never develop a gluten intolerance, because I love bread dearly. I love baking bread. I imagine The Wife, in large part, stays with me because I regularly bake bread. We could easily just sit and stuff our faces with hot buttered bread. This particular bread, a "Shaker Daily Loaf," comes out of one of my old Frugal Gourmet cookbooks. It's a simple, yeasty bread that toasts well and has a great crust. This would be a rock solid PB&J bread. As always, notes or changes are in blue.

Shaker Bread
via The Frugal Gourmet Cooks American

Ingredients

• 2 packages fast-acting dry yeast
• 1/4 cup warm water
• 1-3/4 cup milk
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 5 cups all-purpose flour
• Soft butter for greasing the bowl and top of dough, about 2 tablespoons (or if you're like me and counting calories, just use non-stick cooking spray instead)

Directions

1. Dissolve the yeast in warm water in a large mixing bowl. Warm the milk and melt the 3 tablespoons of butter in it. Stir in the sugar and salt and allow to cool to lukewarm. Add this to the yeast bowl along with 3 cups of the flour. Beat until smooth (I used the KitchenAid since I am too lazy to do the beating/mixing by hand)
2. Add the remaining flour and knead on a floured surface until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes (3-4 minutes on the KitchenAid if you're using the dough hook)
3. Place the dough on a plastic counter and butter the top of the dough with half of the remaining butter. Cover the dough with a very large stainless steel bowl and allow to rise until double in bulk (let it rise for about an hour. That should double it. As for the plastic counter nonsense, I just took the dough out of the mixing bowl, sprayed the bowl with nonstick cooking spray and rolled the dough in it and then left it in the bowl with a towel over the top.)
4. After the dough has risen, punch down and shape into two loaves for loaf pans (spray the pans with nonstick cooking spray). Again brush the top of the dough and allow to rise until doubled in bulk (this will be about 30 minutes. I skipped the butter brush and just put a little cooking spray on the tops of the loaves)
5. Bake at 400F (200C, Gasmark 6) for 30 minutes (this took exactly 30 minutes for us. Cooking times may vary)

Good Times!

Bacon Pecan Sweet Rolls

     It began one morning when I asked The Wife if she wanted bacon for breakfast. She replied that if we did that, we'd have a bunch left over and what would we do with it? The conversation quickly degenerated into a discussion of bacon-related ideas. This recipe is the culmination of those ideas. We never did have bacon for breakfast. I think I had a bagel and lox and she had grits and fried eggs. Anyways, I found a breakfast roll recipe in my trusty copy of Taste of Home: Everyday Light Meals and promptly cannibalized it. The result was well beyond our expectations. These rolls are phenomenally good and frighteningly large. We generally have to split one. Good luck not eating the whole pan. As always, any notes are in blue.

Bacon Pecan Sweet Rolls

Ingredients

• 1 package (.25 ounce) active dry yeast
• 1/2 cup warm water (110-115F, 43-46C)
• 2 cups warm milk (110-115F, 43-46C)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup whole wheat flour
• 6 cups all purpose flour
• 1 cup brown sugar, separated into one 1/2 cup and two 1/4 cup measures
• 1/2 cup maple syrup, separated into two 1/4 cup measures
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1-1/2 cup pecans
• 12 ounces applewood smoked bacon

For Icing

• 1 cup confectioner's sugar
• 4 teaspoons milk
• 1 tablespoon of crumbled bacon and pecans (you'll see where they get crumbled down in the instructions. Remain calm)

Directions

1. Line two baking sheets with foil. Spray with nonstick cooking spray. 
2. On one sheet, lay out the bacon in strips. Sprinkle evenly with one of the 1/4 cups of brown sugar
3. On the other pan, spread the pecans in a single layer. Sprinkle evenly with the other 1/4 cup of brown sugar.
4. Put the pans in an oven preheated to 350F (180C, Gasmark 4). (things get a bit tricky here. You're going to want to make sure the bacon is getting crispy and the sugar caramelized, without burning the sugar or the nuts. You're going to just have to check in every 5 minutes or so. After 10 minutes, the nuts were as caramelized as they were going to get without burning.The bacon went another 5-10 minutes. If you smell smoke, you fucked up and burned everything. At that point, just stop and fix yourself a drink) When done, remove from oven and allow to cool.
5. Crumble the bacon and crush the nuts (You could do this by hand if you prefer large pieces. I put mine in a small blender and pulsed it until there were small pieces and the nuts were starting to turn to dust). Reserve 1 tablespoon of this mixture for later use.
6. In a mixing bowl, dissolve yeast in warm water. Stir in warm milk, salt, whole wheat flour, 1/4 cup maple syrup, vanilla extract and 3 cups of flour. Beat until smooth (I used the Kitchenaid with a dough hook for this step) Add in enough of the remaining flour to form a soft dough (the syrup makes this dough super sticky. I added a full 3 extra cups of flour before the dough was workable) Knead dough 6-8 minutes, until smooth and elastic. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1-1/4 hours.
7. Punch dough down. Turn onto a floured surface and knead a few more times. Roll into an 18 inch square. Spread bacon and pecan mixture to within 1/2 inch of the edges. Do the same with the remaining 1/2 cup of brown sugar. Evenly pour the other 1/4 cup of maple syrup over the rest (why the hell not? At this point, you might as well just turn in your pancreas) Roll up jelly-roll style. Pinch seam to seal. Cut into 12 pieces. Place in a 13"x9"x2" baking dish coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and let rise, about 30 minutes (I suggest covering it loosely with some plastic wrap coated with nonstick cooking spray, then lay a towel over the whole thing. If you put the towel right on top, you're going to get the towel stuck to the rolls. Don't ask me how I know this)

   

   It took The Wife and I both to roll this thing up
   because the damned thing was sticking to the counter.

8. Bake at 350F (180C, Gasmark 4) for 30 minutes or until lightly browned (cooking times may vary.) Cool on a wire rack for 30 minutes.
9. For the glaze, combine confectioner's sugar, reserved bacon/pecan mix and 4 teaspoons of milk. Stir until sugar has dissolved (you may need to add more milk to keep this from being the consistency of Spackle) Pour evenly over the tops of the rolls. 

Good times!

Utilitarian Pizza Crust

     Coming from the Chicago area, I'm very particular about my pizza. Upon moving to central Illinois, I came to the conclusion that they really didn't know what they were doing in regards to pizza. I won't even get into the atrocities they commit when making "Chicago-style" pizzas. It was a bad sign when our gas station had the best pizza in the area. I had no choice but to crack and start seeking out my own recipes. This particular recipe is a real gem. It leaves lots of room for interpretation. I've added all sorts of herbs, spices and cheeses to the crust and it always comes out great. Give it a try for yourself. This recipe will yield one crust about 16" in diameter. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Utilitarian Pizza Crust
via World Food Italy

Ingredients

• 3 cups flour, plus extra for dusting
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 2 teaspoons (2 packets will work, too) active dry yeast
• 2 tablespoons oil, plus extra for brushing
• 3/4 cup lukewarm water
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, sift the flour and salt and stir in the yeast (someday I'll actually sift the flour and not just unceremoniously dump it in the bowl). Make a well in the center and pour in the oil and water. (go ahead and add any optional ingredients at this point).  Gradually incorporate the dry ingredients into the liquid, using a wooden spoon or floured hands (or just slap the dough hook on the Kitchenaid and set it on the lowest setting)
2. Turn out the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead well for 5 minutes, until smooth and elastic (again, I just let the Kitchenaid do this. You may find the dough doesn't set up and turn smooth and elastic. If that is the case, alternate adding a teaspoon of oil and a tablespoon of water. If the dough starts to get overly wet, compensate with a little extra flour. It never sets right for me straight off. I always have to fine tune it). 
3. Return the dough to a clean bowl, covered with lightly oiled plastic wrap (oil the inside of the bowl, too) and set in a warm place to rise for about 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
4. Turn out the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knock down. Knead briefly.
5. At this point I work the dough into a large, about 16" pizza crust. Feel free to cut it into smaller and make a couple pizzas. It also freezes well. 
6. Cooking time will depend largely on crust size and amount of toppings. Go with 450F (230C, Gasmark8) for about 15 minutes and then check to see if the crust is done the way you'd like. Adjust time from there. A stacked pie for me can take upwards of 25-30 minutes.

Good times!

Double Banana Cake

     My first foray into layer cakes was for The Wife's birthday a couple years ago. I found the recipe in an issue of Bon Appetit and figured I'd give it a whirl. I would consider it a fair first effort. The thing looked pretty rough and weighed a damned ton. However, it tasted fantastic. There's just something about a layer cake that impresses me. I'd like to think that it all started with some guy saying, "I like cake so damned much, I'm going to just start stacking them on each other and frosting the whole thing. Pancreas be damned!" Fair warning, I consider all layer cakes to be PITAs, so be ready to put in some work. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Double Banana Cake
via Bon Appetit

Ingredients

Cake

• 1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) unsalted butter plus more for pans, room temperature (since I never have actual butter on hand, margarine was used)
• 3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/4 teaspoons kosher salt
• 2 1/4 cups sugar
• 6 large eggs
• 3 cups coarsely mashed very ripe bananas (about 6 large)
• 3/4 cup sour cream

Frosting

• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature (still using margarine)
• 4 cups powdered sugar (good lord, I hope you have a strong pancreas)
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 2 ripe but not mushy bananas, cut crosswise into 1/8-inch slices

Directions

Cake

1. Preheat oven to 325°. Butter two 8"-diameter cake pans with sides 2" high. Line bottoms of pans with parchment paper rounds (I left my parchment square shaped. I didn't have a compass handy and didn't feel the difference in shape would alter the flavor). Whisk flour, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl. Using an electric mixer, beat 1 1/2 cups butter and sugar in another large bowl until light and fluffy, 2–3 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, beating to blend between additions. With mixer on low, gradually beat in flour mixture, scraping sides of bowl. Mix in bananas, then sour cream. Divide batter between pans.
2. Bake cakes until a tester inserted into the center comes out clean, 50–55 minutes. Let cool for 20 minutes in pans on wire racks.
3. Invert cakes onto wire racks; let cool completely. Remove parchment. Using a serrated knife, trim off rounded tops (Nope. I went ahead and stacked those sumbitches as is).

Frosting

1. Using an electric mixer, beat first 5 ingredients in a large bowl until light and fluffy, 6–7 minutes.
2. Place 1 cake on a plate. Spread 1 cup frosting over. Arrange banana slices on top. Top with second cake. Spread a thin layer of frosting over top and sides of cake; chill for 30 minutes. Spread remaining frosting over top and sides of cakes (Protip: Maybe wait a while for the cakes to cool off before putting on the frosting. I didn't, which explains why my cake looks like it has eczema).

Here's an alternate cake recipe if you prefer rhubarb

Good times!

Slow Cooker Creamy Ham and Potatoes by The Wife

     In a feat of scheduling wizardry, the school districts where the husband and I work PLUS the school district in which we live all have their Spring Breaks at different times. Last week, Joel was on break. This week, I am on break. I don’t even know when our town has break; I just know it wasn't this week or last week because the buses were running. Anyway, my being home alone means I’m expected to do some cooking. Joel requested ham and potatoes (we've been working through a ten pound Honey Baked ham for 2 weeks now), and I found this REALLY easy Creamy Ham and Potatoes recipe (as always, notes and changes are in blue):

Slow Cooker Creamy Ham and Potatoes
via Taste of Home Slow Cooker

Ingredients

• 4 medium red potatoes, thinly sliced (Potatoes are potatoes. We didn’t have any red ones, so I used what we did have – I don’t even know what they were. To thinly slice the potatoes, I used the mandolin.)
• 2 medium onions, finely chopped (Mine were of the smaller variety. Regardless, they had me crying.)
• 1 ½ cups cubed fully cooked ham
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon ground mustard (Yeah…Somehow that’s not what I read this morning. I used a teaspoon of spicy brown mustard. No harm, no foul.)
• ½ teaspoon salt (Omitted. I think the ham and the can of cream soup contributes plenty of salt, thank you.)
• ½ teaspoon pepper
• 1 can (10 ¾ ounces) condensed cream of celery soup, undiluted (I made an executive decision here. This is called Creamy Ham and POTATOES. I had a can of cream of POTATO soup. That’s what I used even though cream of celery was available.)
• 1 1/3 cups of water (Just fill the soup can with water.)
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese – optional (Cheese is never optional.)

Directions

1. In a 3-qt slow cooker (I actually used the right size!), layer potatoes, onions, and ham.
2. In a large saucepan, melt butter. Stir in flour, mustard, salt (omitted), and pepper until smooth. Combine soup and water gradually into flour mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened and bubbly. Pour over ham.
3. Cover and cook on low for 8-9 hours (8 hours was more than enough time for the potatoes to completely disintegrate) or until potatoes are tender (disintegrated). If desired, sprinkle with cheese before serving (only a Communist doesn't desire cheese).

Good times!

Flaugnarde with Pears

     Every now and then I like to dabble in food that is bordering on pretentious. Not surprisingly, that food is usually French (ZING! I just lost my French fans). Usually one of the more reliable sources for pretentious food is Food & Wine Magazine. I skimmed a few issues and found this recipe for Flaugnarde. If you're curious, it's pronounced "flow-nyard," not "flawg-nahrd." My pronunciation sounds more Nordic. This is certainly not a Nordic dessert, otherwise it would feature some form of whitefish (ZING! There go my Nordic fans).  While this recipe is not particularly labor intensive, it is time intensive, taking around four hours from start to finish. It's actually worth it. The end result is very much like a Dutch Baby (the pancake, not an actual Dutch baby). As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Flaugnarde with Pears
via Food & Wine

Ingredients

• 3 large eggs
• 3/4 cup cake flour (I use all-purpose flour when I make cakes, so I imagine it's the same as "cake flour." Don't bother explaining any difference. I already used the all-purpose)
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour (I used "donut flour" here. I'm kidding. I still used all-purpose)
• Pinch of salt
• 1 cup warm milk
• 1 tablespoon dark rum (don't think for a minute that I didn't fix myself a cocktail while the bottle was open)
• 3 tablespoons superfine sugar
• 2 ripe medium Bartlett pears— peeled, cored and thinly sliced (no fresh pears on hand. I used 2 cups of pears I canned in bourbon syrup the season before. You can never go wrong with more booze)

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, whisk together the eggs, cake and all-purpose flours, salt and 1/4 cup of the milk until smooth. Whisk in the remaining 3/4 cup of milk, the rum and 1 1/2 tablespoons of the sugar. Cover with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 3 hours (3 hours to kill and an open bottle of rum sitting right there...

   

   ...and why am I laying on the kitchen floor?

2. Preheat the oven to 450° (230C, Gasmark 8) and coat a deep 9-inch cake pan with half of the butter. Pour the batter into the pan and arrange the pear slices on top. Dot with the remaining butter and bake in the lower third of the oven for 15 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 400° (200C, Gasmark 6) and bake for 30 minutes longer, or until the flaugnarde is puffed and deeply golden (this actually cooked according to the time on the recipe, but your time may vary) Let cool for 2 minutes, then sprinkle (use a sifter unless you like the big clumps I ended up with) with the remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons of sugar and serve.

Good times!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookies

     I don't know why I don't bake cookies more often. Actually, I know exactly why: the wife and I tend to stand in the kitchen and stuff them mindlessly into our faces until we swell up like ticks. Fortunately, I've got my trusty copy of Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals to hook me up with 90 calorie cookies! If you like the chocolate/peanut butter combo, these are right up your alley. The peanut butter flavor really comes through. If you wanted to really do peanut butter overload, you could always swap in peanut butter chips! As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookies
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 1 cup chunky peanut butter (I used creamy. Fair warning, if you use natural peanut butter, the batter will be extremely oily. This is nothing to worry about; the cookies will come out fine)
• 1/4 cup canola oil (I used corn oil)
• 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup baking cocoa
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup miniature chocolate chips (I used full sized and learned why I shouldn't. The cookies are pretty small. Full sized chips tend to just fall out when you're scooping the dough. Either make the cookies bigger or use the miniature chips).

Directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, combine peanut butter and oil. Add brown sugar and white sugar; mix well. Add vanilla an eggs; mix well (I did all the mixing in the Kitchenaid).
2. In  another bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt. Add to peanut butter mixture; mix until blended. Dough will be sticky (as I said, my dough was more oily than sticky). Stir in chocolate chips.
3. Drop by rounded teaspoons 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheets. Flatten slightly with a glass (I have made these cookies three times and only now have I noticed the part with the glass. Obviously, you can just skip that. No need to dirty a glass unless it's to put booze in it).
4. Bake at 350F (180C, Gasmark 4) for 8-10 minutes or until set and tops are cracked (if you want a softer cookie, take them out at 8 minutes. If you prefer a crunchy cookie, go the full 10) Cool for 2 minutes before removing to wire racks (no fooling with this part. When the cookies come out, it's going to look like they're not done. They will be notably soft. They will firm up during the cooling).

Good times!

Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins

     I am a sucker for deals. One of my favorite deals is the sack of ripe bananas at the grocery store. They will pack nearly 3 pounds of ripe bananas into a sack and charge you one dollar. How can I walk past that? Most of the time we end up dehydrating them for banana chips. Sometimes they end up in banana bread. This time they ended up in muffins with chocolate chips. The recipe for these muffins came from my much abused copy of Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals. These muffins came out great. They were moist with a great banana flavor. These will serve as a great quick breakfast during the work week. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins 
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup wheat bran (this is on the master list of Shit That Is Never In My Pantry. I substituted with 1/2 cup additional whole wheat flour)
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder (am I the only one who repeats "baking powder, baking powder" to themselves as they walk to the pantry, then come back to the counter with baking soda anyway?)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1/4 cup fat-free milk (you might as well just use water at that point. I used 2%)
• 1-1/3 cup (2-3 medium sized) mashed ripe bananas 
• 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce (we used our own homemade applesauce, which is sweetened. I see no harm in sweetened applesauce here unless you have a dietary concern about the additional sugar)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup miniature chocolate chips (we used an additional 1/4 cup, but did not add it to the batter. We stuffed those chips in our faces as we made these muffins)
• 1/3 cup chopped pecans (omitted. We're not huge fans of nutty breads or muffins)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5)
2. In a large bowl, combine the first seven ingredients (don't think I didn't consider being an asshole and listing the ingredients out of order up top just to screw things up. I didn't. Or did I?)
3. In another bowl, combine the egg and milk; stir in the bananas, applesauce and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients until moistened. Stir in chocolate chips. 
4. Coat muffin pans with nonstick cooking spray; fill 3/4 full with batter. Sprinkle with pecans (if using pecans. Otherwise just jam another handful of chocolate chips into your mouth)
5. Bake for 18-22 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean (this time ours finished in 20 minutes. Cooking times may vary). Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack.

Good times!

Banana Bread

     You just can't beat a well made banana bread. What a noble bread. Selflessly using bananas that would otherwise be thrown away, banana bread is perfect any time of day. This particular recipe comes by way of The Wife. She says she got the recipe from one of those "1,000,000 Recipes of Which Maybe 12 Are Any Good" CD-Roms. This is, indeed, a good recipe. The bread is moist and delicious. You could probably get away with adding some nuts to this recipe, but we're not much for nutty breads. Do what you want; we're not here to judge. As always, any notes are in blue.

Banana Bread

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 2 cups flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1 cup (2 medium over-ripe) mashed bananas
• 1 tablespoon milk
• For topping: 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 2 teaspoons white sugar

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F (180C, Gasmark 4). Spray a 9x5" loaf pan with non-stick cooking spray.
2. Beat butter with sugars until light and fluffy (if you don't have a Kitchenaid or electric mixer, this will be a PITA). Add egg and beat well. 
3. In a large bowl, mix flour with baking soda, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon. In another bowl, mix banana with milk.
4. Add half the banana mixture to the butter mixture, mixing until smooth; add half the flour mixture and mix until smooth. Repeat process with second half of the banana and flour mixtures. 
5. Pour batter into loaf pan. In a small bowl (just use the bowl you used for the flour. No sense in dirtying a third bowl), mix the 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon with 2 teaspoons white sugar; sprinkle over top of batter. 
6. Bake at 350F (180C, Gasmark 4) for 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean (cooking times will vary). Remove immediately to a wire rack to cool. 

Good times!

Whole Wheat Bread

     Shockingly, I once again turn to my well-worn copy of Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals for a bread recipe. This time it's a simple whole wheat bread. The original recipe called for walnuts, but as you may know, The Wife isn't a big fan of nuts in her bread. I tend to agree with her. I think this bread is fine without the added texture. This makes for a rustic, crusty loaf that's great with soups, or toasted and covered in butter at breakfast. One warning, if the bread doesn't cook evenly, it will rise funny in the oven and end up looking like a mushroom cloud. It still will taste fine, it will just look goofy. A friend has told me that scoring an "X" about 1/2" deep in the top of the dough before baking will prevent that from happening. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Whole Wheat Bread
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 2-1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1-1/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 3/4 cup finely chopped walnuts (omitted)
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 package (1/4 ounce) quick-rise yeast
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup water
• 1/3 cup reduced-fat plain yogurt
• 2 tablespoons butter

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, combine 1 cup all-purpose flour, whole wheat flour, nuts (if using), brown sugar, yeast and salt.
2. In a saucepan, heat the water, yogurt and butter to 120-130F. Add to dry ingredient; beat until smooth.
3. Stir in enough remaining all-purpose flour to form a soft dough (we wound up using the full amount of flour listed in the ingredients). Turn out onto a floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 4 minutes (I just ran it in the Kitchenaid with the dough hook), Do not let rise.
4. Shape dough into a ball; place on baking sheet coated with nonstick cooking spray. Cover and let rest in a warm place for 20 minutes (I know for sure that if I cover this dough and put it in a warm place, it's going to rise. They just told me not to let it rise. Is this some sort of test? What do I do if it starts to rise? Talk it down?) 
5. Bake at 400F (200C, Gasmark 6) for 25-30 minutes or until golden brown (we went close to 40 minutes. Baking times may vary). Remove from pan to cool on wire rack. 

Don't forget to cut an "X" about 1/2" deep in the top before baking
to prevent the loaf from looking like a nuclear bomb test.
Good times!

Bourbon Fruit Cake

     Can any holiday dessert be more recognizable than the ubiquitous fruitcake? No, of course not. That was a rhetorical question. Ubiquitous means you'll find it everywhere. That was a quiz. Did you pass? I hope so, because this is going to be on the final exam. This particular recipe was adapted from a recipe for Kentucky Bourbon Cake I found on About.com's Southern Food section around five years ago. In all fairness, this is not a true fruitcake as we know it. It is not the consistency of blacktop. It is not cloyingly sweet with terrifying unidentifiable bits of detritus suspended within. The original recipe did call for candied cherries and nuts, but I quickly put an end to that nonsense. I want cake. I don't want to be losing fillings and digging things out of my molars all night. This recipe does have a lot going for it. This cake is actually fluffy. It cooks well in any number of different shapes. It's good with icing. It will, however, make your Kitchenaid howl like a damned soul while mixing it. This recipe will fill a 5 quart mixing bowl frighteningly close to the top. It's worth it. When I tell somebody I'm serving fruitcake, they flinch. Then they eat it. Complaints cease. As always, any notes and changes are in blue.

Bourbon Fruit Cake
via About.com 

Ingredients

• 8 ounces red candied cherries, halved (I omitted all the candied cherries and used a jar of drained maraschino cherries)
• 8 ounces green candied cherries, halved (omitted)
• 8 ounces seedless raisins or chopped dates (I'm married so I shouldn't have dates. I used golden raisins)
• 2 cups bourbon (I went with Jim Beam)
• 1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) butter, room temperature
• 2 cups granulated sugar
• 1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
• 6 large eggs, separated
• 5 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 cups chopped pecans (omitted)
• 2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon baking powder

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, combine the cherries, raisins, and bourbon; cover and let soak overnight. 
2. Preheat the oven to 275°F.
3. In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugars with an electric mixer until light and fluffy; add the egg yolks and beat well. Stir in the soaked fruit with bourbon. In a small bowl, combine 1/2 cup of the flour with the pecans; set aside. Add the remaining flour, nutmeg, and baking powder to the creamed mixture and blend well. In a bowl, beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until stiff peaks form; gently fold into the cake batter. Sprinkle the floured pecans over batter and fold in gently.
4. Grease and flour a 10-inch tube pan and line the bottom with greased waxed paper. (I have made this recipe several times and have never used a tube pan or waxed paper. I've used loaf pans, cake pans, bundt pans). Pour the batter into the pan; bake at 275° for 3 to 3 1/2 hours, or until a wooden pick or cake tester inserted in center comes out clean (this does, in fact, take every bit of 3-1/2 hours if you're using a large pan). 
5. Cool the cake. Turn cake out of the pan, peel off waxed paper (which I did not use), and store in a tightly covered container for several days (this recipe makes me think that you're not supposed to eat the cake. Just store it for several days and then shitcan it. Look, if this lasts more than seven days in your house, you must have cooked it wrong. It's awesome).

Good times!

Slow Cooker Parmesan Potato Soup

     The Wife loves her soup. It doesn't matter the weather. It could be 115F outside and she'll ask me to make soup. She'll also be drinking hot coffee, so I may be dealing with some larger defect here. Anyways, she loves soup, so I make soup. This particular recipe came out of Taste of Home Slow Cooker.  This is a great cold weather soup. Big hunks of potato, lots of bacon and a creamy broth. One bowl of this and I'm full. But not for long because I'm also lactose intolerant and this uses a goodly amount of heavy cream. I'll leave you to come up with your own imagery. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Parmesan Potato Soup
via Taste of Home Slow Cooker

Ingredients

• 8 medium potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch cubes (I actually peeled the potatoes this time!)
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 jar (7 ounces) roasted red peppers, drained and chopped (make sure you peel off any skin on the peppers unless you like it floating around in the soup)
• 1 small celery rib, chopped
• 6 cups chicken broth
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon rubbed sage
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 cups heavy whipping cream, divided
• 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese, divided
• 8 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
• 2 tablespoons minced fresh cilantro (we went with a teaspoon of dried)

Directions

1. In a 5 or 6 quart slow cooker, combine the vegetables, broth and seasonings (naturally, I attempted to load it all in a 2.5 quart cooker. It was fine until the part where I had to add more liquid). Cover and cook on LOW for 5-6 hours or until vegetables are tender.
2. In a small bowl, combine flour and 1/2 cup cream until smooth; add to slow cooker. Stir in 3/4 cup cheese, bacon, cilantro and remaining cream. Cover and cook for 30 minutes or until slightly thickened. 
3. Ladle into bowls; sprinkle with remaining cheese (I always love recipes that instruct you to plate your food. You know, in case you were planning on just standing there at the stove shoveling soup into your craw right out of the pot. Maybe you were. I'm not here to judge).

Good times!

Bourbon Pear Cake

     The bundt cake strikes me as a quintessential middle-class food. I have lost count of the times I've seen bundt cakes at gatherings. My family was notorious for using the bundt cake pan for all sorts of terrifying Jell-O molds involving layers and suspended fruits.  It was almost unavoidable that I would eventually buy and use a bundt cake pan.  One of the first things I made was a Bourbon Pear Cake. I think I got the recipe from Relish.com, but can't find it there anymore. If anybody locates the original source, please let me know so I can give proper credit. I liked this recipe because it incorporated booze. However, I can't get myself to cook with high-end liquor, that stuff is for drinking! Unfortunately, I didn't have any bottom-shelf booze on hand so I had to use the workhorse in my bar, Jim Beam. This is just a good looking cake and is moist and flavorful. I always feel like such a pompous ass when I say stuff like that. Hmm.. CAKE SQUISHY AND TASTE GOOD. There. Much better. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Bourbon Pear Cake

Ingredients

• 3 eggs 
• 2 cups sugar 
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil 
• 3 cups all-purpose flour 
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 
• 2 tablespoons bourbon (I'm pretty sure some form of honey bourbon would be really good here)
• 1 teaspoon salt 
• 1 teaspoon baking soda 
• 1 1/2 cups pears - peeled, cored and chopped (there's nothing stopping you from using apples instead)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 
• 1 1/4 cups confectioners' sugar 
• 2 tablespoons milk 

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs on medium speed. Gradually add sugar and oil; beat thoroughly. 
2. Combine flour, cinnamon, salt and baking soda; add to egg mixture and mix well. 
3. Stir in pears, bourbon and vanilla. (The batter will be stiff. Notice how I took the moral high ground and didn't make a joke here.) 
4. Spoon into a greased and floured 9-in. Bundt-cake pan. 
5. Bake at 350F for 60-65 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean (obviously, you'll want to stick the toothpick into the actual cake and not the hole in the center). Let cool in pan 10 minutes before inverting onto a serving plate. 
6. In a small bowl, combine the confectioners' sugar and milk; beat until smooth. Drizzle over warm cake. Cool completely.

"Miss Moneypenny, fetch me another slice of that fantastic cake. I'm too shitfaced to get it myself."
Good times!