Too Damned Easy Turkey Pot Pie

Remember when you were a kid, and you wanted a pot pie? And your mom would have to preheat the oven? Then you'd have to wait like another 45 minutes for the pot pie to cook? Then you'd be so hungry that when it finally came out of the oven, you wouldn't wait and you'd take a bite and burn the living shit out of the roof of your mouth? Good times. This recipe won't take quite as long, but can still blister the hell out of the roof of your mouth if you don't wait. We cannibalized a different recipe to make this. In retrospect, the pie to biscuit ratio seems off. There is way more biscuit than filling. I'd recommend at least adding some more gravy and possibly increasing the amount of the fillings. The flavor is fine, it's just a bit biscuity. As always, notes are in blue.

Too Damned Easy Turkey Pot Pie

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
• 1/2 pound frozen hash brown O'Brien potatoes, thawed
• 1 6 oz. can mushrooms, drained and chopped
• 1 medium carrot, shredded
• 2 cups cooked turkey, chopped (cooked chicken would work just as well. You can use puffin for all I care.)
• 1/4 teaspoon marjoram
• 10 ounces gravy (in retrospect, I feel you could add another 6 ounces and be fine, if you prefer a more gravy-based pot pie)
• 1 can Pillsbury Grand buttermilk biscuits (we used their Sweet Hawaiian. You can use any flavor. Also feel free to use a non-name brand equivalent. I promise not to tell anyone)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F  (200C, Gasmark 6)
2. Heat oil in cast iron skillet. (Don't have a cast iron skillet? Philistine. In that case you're going to need to prep everything but the biscuits in a pan, then transfer to an oven-safe dish)
3. Add celery, potatoes, mushrooms, and carrots. Saute for 5-7 minutes.
4. Add turkey, gravy, and marjoram. Simmer for 2-3 minutes.
5. Lay biscuits over the contents of the pan. (If you're not using cast iron, transfer the contents of the pan to a 9" round oven safe dish and then lay the biscuits down on top)
6. Cook in oven at 400F for 14 minutes or until biscuits are golden brown.

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Turkey and Noodles

     After Thanksgiving, we usually have a terrifying amount of leftovers. This is because I have no idea how to cook for small groups. This year, for myself, The Wife, and The Spud, I cooked a 12 pound turkey. That's all well and good, but there's only so many turkey sandwiches you can eat. At The Wife's request, we took a Chicken and Dumplings recipe we have used from The Gooseberry Patch Super Fast Slow Cooker Cookbook. This works great because I promised some of you the recipe some time ago. Simply replace all instances of "turkey" here with "chicken" and you'll be fine. This makes a nice, thick, dish. Remember, this isn't soup, so don't come fussing when you say it is too thick. If you want soup, just keep adding stock until it's the consistency you want. This is a real winner on a cold day.

Slow Cooker Turkey & Noodles

Ingredients

• 1-1/4 pound shredded cooked turkey
• 2 cans (10.5 ounce) cream of chicken soup
• Chicken/Turkey stock equal to 4 cans (about 5.25 cups)
• Seasoning of your choice to taste. (We used Ukrainian Village Seasoning from the Spice House) 
• 24 ounces (two frozen bags of wide noodles or dumplings. I am referring to the thick square noodle type dumplings, not pot sticker or kreplach style)

Directions

1. Load everything except the noodles/dumplings into a slow cooker (5 quart or larger).
2. Cook on LOW for 6 hours.
3. Add the noodles/dumplings and cook another 30 minutes on LOW.

Good Times!

Indian Spiced Stew

     I have to give thanks to my Mother-In-Law (henceforth, MIL). When The Spud was born, she bought a house 20 minutes away and moved down here to provide day care while The Wife and I worked. Since she's in the area, we have her over for dinner regularly. This particular visit, she inexplicably brought a pound and a half of cooked ground turkey. I was considering Indian food for dinner and decided to go with that theme with the turkey. This turned out to be a really good stew. We had it over some basmati rice and it made for a good, filling winter meal. If you're not a fan of carbs over carbs, you can certainly serve it without rice. No matter what, serve it with naan so you can slop up the dregs! As always, notes are in blue.

Indian Spiced Stew

Ingredients

• 1-1/2 pounds ground turkey (feel free to use ground beef or pork, you're not going to hurt my feelings. I used turkey because my mother-in-law (MIL) brought it for me to use up)
• 2 medium potatoes, cut into 1/2" cubes
• 1/2 large red onion, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1" fresh ginger, grated finely
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1 can (14.5 ounce) diced tomatoes, undrained (I used fire-roasted tomatoes.)
• 1 teaspoon cumin seeds (if you don't have the seeds, just use the same amount of cumin powder)
• 1 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1/2 teaspoon turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne (add more if you want a bigger kick. I was cooking for The Wife and MIL and kept the heat down)
• 2 teaspoons garam masala
• 2 tablespoons freshly chopped cilantro (or 1 teaspoon dried)
• 2 teaspoons curry powder
• 1/2 cup plain yogurt
• 1 cup water
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1/4 cup red wine (if you don't want the booze, just use water here)
• If you want more heat, chop up a hot green chili pepper or two 

Directions

1. Brown meat. Drain any grease and set aside.
2. In a deep pan (I used a 3 quart cast-iron deep pan. A Dutch oven would work well here too). heat oil. Add garlic, ginger, onions,peas and potatoes. Sautee for around 10 minutes. 
3. Add in reserved meat and everything else except for the yogurt. Mix it up and set to simmer. 
4. Simmer, covered, for about 20-25 minutes or until potatoes are tender. 
5. Add yogurt and cook for another 5 minutes.

Good times!

Atomic Cabbage Joe

     Ah, the venerable Sloppy Joe. What kid hasn't had his parents crack open a can of Sloppy Joe mix and stir it in with some greasy ground beef? My parents, now that I think of it. Sloppy Joe was always something served in junior high cafeterias or grimly eaten in my first apartment. The time has come to update that meal. Enter the Atomic Cabbage Joe. This is a recipe I slightly modified from one of my many slow-cooker cook books. It called for barbecue sauce. I happened to have a particularly volatile batch of home made sauce with jalapeno peppers. The result was a taste sensation. It also caused some phenomenal gastrointestinal distress due to the powerhouse combo of cabbage and hot peppers. Give it a try and see what you think. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Atomic Cabbage Joe
modified via Fix It and Forget It Lightly

Ingredients

• 1 pound ground turkey
• 3 cups shredded cabbage
• 2 cups barbecue sauce (if you're not a huge pansy, use the recipe for BBQ Jalapeno and Onions)

Directions

1. Brown turkey in a pan; drain.
2. Load cabbage, turkey and sauce in a slow cooker.
3. Cover and cook on LOW for 4-5 hours

Good Times!

Hot and Sour Soup

     Once again I turn to my trusty copy of The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook. This time it's for soup. You can never go wrong with soup. Unless you undercook something and give everybody dysentery. Then I suppose you've gone wrong. You could also spill a scalding hot bowl on your crotch. I suppose that would be wrong, too. OK, you can go wrong with soup. This particular soup is worth the risk. One of my favorite treats at a Chinese restaurant is the hot and sour soup. I am always on the lookout for a recipe that replicates that experience. This does not even come close. Don't let that scare you away. This soup is really tasty and pretty easy to make. We really screwed around with the recipe and were very pleased with the results. If you can manage to keep the sodium down, you've got a really healthy meal. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Hot and Sour Soup
via The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook

Ingredients

• 3 or 4 dried black mushrooms (as I do not normally engage in witchcraft, I do not normally stock these. We went with a 15-ounce can of straw mushrooms. Keep the liquid if you use the canned!)
• 1/4 pound lean pork (none on hand. We went with an equal amount of ground turkey)
• 2 bean curd cakes (that's kind of a nebulous measurement, so we went with a 1 pound block of firm tofu, cut into about 1/2 inch squares)
• 1 scallion (we used 2 since the garden is overrun with them)
• 1 15-ounce can stir fry vegetables, drained. We're talking water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, baby corn, sprouts, etc.)
• 5 cups stock (we used a home made shrimp stock. Feel free to use the stock of your choice)
• 1 cup mushroom soaking liquid (obviously you're only going to have these if you used the dried mushrooms. If you used the can like we did, just pour in the liquid along with the mushrooms)
• 1 tablespoon sherry (none on hand, we used an equal amount of dry vermouth)
• 2 tablespoons white vinegar (since this was hot and sour soup, we used an equal amount of pique sauce. It was still vinegar based, but had an extra hot pepper kick)
• 1 egg
• 2 tablespoons corn starch
• 1/4 cup water
• 3/4 to 1 teaspoon salt (omitted. There's already enough sodium in here)
• 1 teaspoon soy sauce
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper (doesn't say what kind. I used a bit of black and about 1/2 teaspoon of red pepper flakes)
• A few dashes of Tabasco if you want more heat
• Sesame oil

Directions

1. Soak dried mushrooms. Reserve soaking liquid (or just open can and don't drain it)
2. Sliver mushrooms, pork and bean curd. Mince scallion. Beat egg lightly. Blend cornstarch and cold water to a paste (we didn't cut the mushrooms at all. We used ground turkey so no slicing there. I decided to simply chop the scallions just to be a bastard).
3. (The original recipe does not specify what to cook the soup in. I went with a 5-quart pot.) Bring stock and mushroom soaking liquid to a boil. Add pork (or turkey. Or both if you're feeling daring) and mushrooms (if you went with the canned mushrooms, just unceremoniously dump the entire contents of the can into the pot. If you're also using the optional can of stir fry vegetables, it goes in at this point, too) and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. 
4. Add bean curd and simmer, covered, for 3 more minutes.
5. Stir in sherry (or vermouth), vinegar (or pique), salt (if using. It's your heart; do what you want), soy sauce and pepper. Pour in cornstarch paste to thicken. Stir gently. 
6. Slowly add beaten egg, stirring gently once or twice (no more than twice! It would be bad. Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light) Remove from heat. Sprinkle with sesame oil and scallions.

   

   Total protonic reversal.
   
   Good times!

Slow Cooker Black Bean and Sausage Stew

     Black beans are great. They're versatile and super filling. I usually have three or four cans on hand at any given time. I also love smoked sausages. There's nothing like gaining six pounds in water after chowing down one of those sodium bombs.  When black beans and smoked sausages collide, good things happen.

Yup. Just like this, but with way more giggling.

     This particular recipe came out of the Slow-Cooker Magic in Minutes book. It's a fairly easy recipe, but does require moving some ingredients in and out of the cooker, which I absolutely hate. It's a small complaint, since this recipe is tasty and filling. It also benefits greatly from the addition of some hot sauce. Tabasco is great here. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Black Bean and Sausage Stew
via Slow Cooker Magic in Minutes

Ingredients

• 3 cans (15 ounces each) black beans, rinsed and drained
• 1-1/2 cup chopped onions
• 1-1/2 cup chicken broth
• 1 cup sliced celery
• 1 cup chopped red pepper (for whatever reason, I didn't have red pepper available when I made this and went with green pepper. It worked fine.)
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1-1/2 teaspoons dried oregano
• 3/4 teaspoon ground coriander (did you know that coriander is the seeds of cilantro? You do now! Never let it be said this isn't an educational blog)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper
• 6 ounces cooked turkey sausage, thinly sliced (I went ahead with the smoked pork sausage for that extra 62,000mg of sodium. Plus, I didn't slice it thinly. MADNESS. Also, feel free to use more sausage if you'd like. Probably not more than a pound, though)

Directions

1. Combine all ingredients in slow cooker, except sausage. Cover and cook on LOW for 6-8 hours.
2. Transfer about 1-1/2 cups bean mixture from slow cooker to blender or food processor, puree mixture (I have said it before and I'll say it again. I hate it when a slow cooker recipe has me taking stuff in and out of the cooker. I just want to throw it in and forget about it. This is time that could be spent drinking or smoking cigars)
3. Return blended mixture to slow cook. Stir in sausage. Cover and cook on LOW an additional 10-15 minutes.

Good times!

Slow Cooker Spanish-Style Couscous

     I'm still on the fence about slow-cooker recipes that require you to do cooking outside of the slow-cooker. I just want to chuck everything in there and forget about it. I'll make exceptions for ground meat. Nobody wants slow cooked ground meat. That just sounds nasty. After this recipe, I'll also make an exception for couscous, because it takes almost no time to make. The Wife and I really enjoyed this recipe. We tinkered with the ingredients and came up with a winner. It was simple and with a switch to turkey, a healthy meal. As always, any notes and changes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Spanish-Style Couscous
via Crock-Pot Quick & Easy Recipes

Ingredients

• 1 pound ground beef (we had a bunch of ground turkey patties in the freezer, so we used 1.5 pounds of those instead)
• 1 can (14 ounces) beef broth (I don't keep cans of broth on hand. I just filled an empty can with water and dissolved a beef bouillon cube in it)
• 1 green bell pepper, cut into 1/2 inch pieces (you should know by now The Wife doesn't like green peppers, so we went with red instead)
• 1/2 cup pimiento stuffed green olives, sliced
• 1/2 onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
•  1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
• 1 teaspoon Pilsen Latino Seasoning from the Spice House
• 1-1/3 cup water (this is for the couscous. DON'T put it in the slow cooker!)
• 1 cup uncooked couscous (we found a really good roasted garlic and olive oil couscous at ALDI)

Directions

1. Brown meat in a large skillet over medium-high heat, stirring to break up meat (I've never seen a recipe tell you to break up the meat before. Are there people out there just chucking a big wad of meat in the pan and hoping for the best?) Drain fat.
2. Combine broth, bell pepper, olives, onion, garlic, cumin, thyme and meat in slow-cooker. Cover; cook on LOW 5 hours or until bell pepper is tender. 
3. Bring water to a boil over high heat in a small saucepan. Stir in couscous. Cover; remove from heat. Let stand 5 minutes. Fluff with fork (don't forget to take the cover off before fluffing or you may encounter some difficulties). Spoon couscous onto plates; top with beef mixture (use a slotted spoon for getting the beef mixture out. There's going to be a fair amount of liquid left in the slow cooker).

Good times!

Turkey, White Bean and Kale Soup

     One of the big problems after Thanksgiving is figuring out what to do with the leftover turkey. There's only so many turkey sandwiches you can eat. One of the first things I do with the turkey is strip all the meat and then boil the carcass. This leaves me with an extremely rich stock for later use. I wound up using it for this recipe. It's sort of a riff on Tuscan White Bean Soup. I was fairly pleased with the outcome. If you like extra heat, it benefits greatly from a shot or two of Frank's hot sauce. Obviously, you could easily substitute chicken and chicken stock if you don't have turkey on hand.

Turkey, White Bean and Kale Soup

Ingredients

• 1 quart turkey stock
• 1-1/2 cup chopped cooked turkey
• 1 can (15.5 ounce) great northern beans, drained and rinsed
• 4 cups kale, spines removed, chopped
• 1 medium red onion, chopped
• 2 stalks celery, chopped
• 1 clove garlic, chopped
• 1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1 cup orzo
• 1 tablespoon Ukrainian Village seasoning (from the Spice House) 

Directions

1. In a large pot, add stock, turkey, beans and seasoning. Bring to a simmer.
2. Heat oil in a saucepan, add onion, celery, basil and garlic. Sautee 3-5 minutes or until onions are tender. Add kale, sautee 2 more minutes (the color of the kale will brighten during cooking.  When you see that, you know it's ready).

   

   This is what I'm talking about.

3. Add contents of saucepan to soup pot. Add pepper flakes and orzo and bring to low boil for about 5 minutes. Lower to simmer.
4. Stir in cream. Simmer another 2-3 minutes or until orzo is tender.

Good times!

Bacon and Lemon Herbed Turkey

     Nothing says Thanksgiving like a well-made turkey perfectly carved and served up on a fancy platter. One out of three isn't bad. I can give you well-made. The rest is up to you. I know many people love that crispy golden skin on a turkey. I don't really care about that. For me, the skin is there to help store all sorts of good things to flavor the meat. I've messed around with a couple versions of this type of turkey, but I feel this is the final iteration. I am very pleased. The meat is suspiciously tender and is infused with hints of lemon, bacon and herbs. This, my dear friends, is a winner. As always, any notes are in blue.

Bacon and Lemon Herbed Turkey

Ingredients

• 1 turkey (we used a 13 pound bird for this recipe)
• 1 pound thick cut bacon (use whatever kind you want. Applewood smoked, hickory, whatever)
• 1 lemon, thinly sliced
• 2 sticks butter, separated
• 1 tablespoon dried Italian herbs (basil, oregano, thyme, marjoram, rosemary and sage)
• 1 large onion, quartered
• Uncle Joe's Rub Down

Directions

1. Make sure the bird is defrosted and all the fun stuff is removed from inside. (I'll normally throw those spare parts in the roaster with the bird and serve them to the dogs later. I'll save the neck to throw at the unruly neighborhood children)
2. Take your hand and slide it between the skin and the meat of the bird. Gently work your hand around to separate the skin from the meat the best you can without tearing the skin. (This whole process feels genuinely wrong. I always apologize to the bird when I do this)

   

   I know we've only just met...

3. Mix one of the sticks of butter with the herbs until the herbs are evenly distributed through the butter. Start grabbing handfuls and get your hand back in under the skin. Spread the butter around under the skin the best you can. 
4. Gently lift the skin and lay the lemon slices between the meat and skin. Do the same with a quarter pound of the bacon (It's going to get crowded under the skin. Don't worry too much about having it be neat and tidy under there. The important part is to get it evenly distributed without tearing the skin)
5. Take the other stick of butter and the onion and put it in the cavity of the bird.
6. Shake a coat of Uncle Joe's Rub Down over the skin of the bird (feel free to use any rub or seasoning mix you like. I'm just partial to this stuff)
7. Take the remaining bacon and use it to cover the bird (I absolutely can't be bothered to make a bacon weave)

   

   See? No weave and it looks fine. I can't be bothered with frippery.

8. Load the bird into a roaster and cover it with a tinfoil tent (if you have time, feel free to make yourself a hat to block government mind-control rays. It never hurts to be careful)
9. Load the bird into an oven preheated to 325F. Cook until a meat thermometer reads an internal temperature of 165F (This took about 4 hours for our bird. It may take more or less time depending on your stove, size of the bird, altitude, relative humidity, astrological sign, etc. You could always use the old trick of seeing if the leg just pulls off. That usually means the turkey is done. Or has leprosy. It's not an exact science)
10. Once the bird has reached the required temperature, take it out and let it rest for 15 minutes or so (You've already violated it quite a bit. Give it a moment or two before you attack it with the knife. This is a good time to make sure everything else for your meal is done, or to have a cocktail or six)
11. Take the bacon off the top of the bird and set it aside for later snacking. Pull the skin off the bird and clear off the remaining bacon and lemon from under the skin. (Do not be alarmed when you see that you do not have a golden, crisp skin. It's going to be pretty squishy. Just pull it off. You want to get at the now tender and delicious meat).
12. Inexpertly maul the turkey and throw the meat on a platter. Eat until sleepy.

Good times!

Beef Wellington and Sauteed Potatoes

     There are times when I feel like working outside of my comfort zone. Those are times when I want to dabble in recipes outside what would be considered my skill set, if not my budget. Beef Wellington is one of those recipes. It just sounds fancy and expensive. Fortunately, my close, personal friend Gordon Ramsay has provided me with an excellent recipe. I took that recipe and screwed around with it to fit my budget and what I had on hand. The end result? I call it a success. I've never actually had a proper Beef Wellington, so I can't say how close I got. I do know it looked and tasted great, so that's what really matters. Be warned, this recipe does qualify as a PITA (Pain In The Ass). As always, notes and substitutions are in blue. 

Beef Wellington and Sauteed Potatoes
via my close, personal friend, Gordon Ramsay

Ingredients

• 1 lb beef fillet (most boneless roasts work. We're not dumping the money on a fillet) 
• 1 lb flat mushrooms (mushrooms are actually pretty round, so we had trouble with this. We wound up using baby bellas)
• 4-8 slices Parma ham (we just gleefully ingored this and used thinly sliced peppered turkey) 
• English (Dijon) mustard for brushing meat 
• 8 oz puff pastry (save yourself the trouble and just buy a box of ready-made puff pastry) 
• 2 egg yolks 
• Approx 8 Charlotte/New potatoes (those are potatoes that we never have in the house. I think we used some form of gold potato)
• 1 clove garlic, crushed 
• 1 sprig thyme (we went with rosemary and thought it was great) 
• Salt and pepper 
• Olive oil 
• Mustard vinaigrette, optional (so optional we didn't even bother considering using it)

Directions

1. Pre-heat the oven to 400F.

2. Heat some oil in a large pan and quickly fry the seasoned beef all over until it's brown. Remove and allow to cool. (The point of this is simply to sear the beef and give it a nice crust, you don't want to cook the meat at this stage). Allow to cool and brush generously with the mustard.

3. Roughly chop the mushrooms and blend in a food processor to form a puree. Scrape the mixture into a hot, dry pan and allow the water to evaporate. When sufficiently dry (the mixture should be sticking together easily), set aside and cool.

4. Roll out a generous length of cling film (that's UK for plastic wrap. They have different terms for things that we don't use. i.e. boot=trunk, lift=elevator, tallywhacker=pecker froynaden=butter knife), lay out the four slices of Parma ham (or turkey), each one slightly overlapping the last. With a pallet knife (pallet knife. See what I'm talking about? I use a pallet knife for spreading caulk. I just used a spatula, which in the UK, means "kneecap") spread the mushroom mixture evenly over the ham.

5. Place the beef fillet in the middle and keeping a tight hold of the cling film from the outside edge, neatly roll the parma ham and mushrooms over the beef into a tight barrel shape. Twist the ends to secure the cling film. Refrigerate for 10 -15 minutes, this allows the Wellington to set and helps keep the shape.

6. Roll out the pastry quite thinly to a size which will cover your beef. Unwrap the meat from the cling film. Egg wash the edge of the pastry and place the beef in the middle. Roll up the pastry, cut any excess off the ends and fold neatly to the 'underside'. Turnover and egg wash over the top. Chill again to let the pastry cool, approximately 5 minutes. Egg wash again before baking at 400F for 35 - 40 minutes. Rest 8 -10 minutes before slicing (the Wellington, not you. Stop being so lazy).

It's almost as if I know what I'm doing.

7. Par boil the potatoes in salted water. Quarter them and leave the skin on. Sauté in olive oil and butter with the garlic and thyme, until browned and cooked through. Season. Remove the thyme and garlic before serving (that is not happening in our house. Garlic and herbs are never left behind).

8. Serve hearty slices of the Wellington alongside the sautéed potatoes. A classic mustard vinaigrette makes a great dressing (which we would not be bothered to make since this recipe was a Colossal Pain In The Ass).

Whoever made this meme needs to be punished savagely
for failing to use an apostrophe in "it's."
Good Times!

Spicy Won Ton Soup via Foodista

     I had planned on making this soup recipe for my wife's birthday. I let her sift through my recipes and pinboard and pick out what she wanted. She found this recipe for Spicy Won-Ton Soup on Foodista. I made a fair amount of changes to this recipe out of necessity.  I didn't have a couple of the ingredients in stock and made substitutions. I also ended up doubling the recipe because I used a pound of meat. Plus, we had an unexpected guest so I needed to pad out the broth to make sure there was enough for everyone. Fortunately I had a bunch of chicken stock in the freezer. The soup was a big hit and very tasty. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Spicy Won-ton Soup
via Foodista

Ingredients

Wontons
1/2 pound ground chicken or ground turkey (I didn't have any ground turkey or chicken in the house and didn't feel like grinding it myself. I did, however have a pound of ground pork, which I used instead)
1/4 cup carrots,  minced
2 stalks spring onion, minced (I used green onion. I figured it was the same thing. I also used 4)
1 teaspoon fish sauce (I used 2 teaspoons)
1 teaspoon crushed red chili pepper(optional) (hot peppers are never an option. Stop living in fear. However, in this case I left them out because my wife didn't want a super spicy soup. If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy)
salt and pepper to taste
won-ton wrappers (Didn't have these either. However, I did have egg roll wrappers which I ran though the Kitchenaid pasta roller on the thinnest setting. *POOF!* Instant wonton wrappers)

Broth
2 cups chicken broth (I ended up using double this amount because I had so many won-tons. Please use your own chicken stock. Don't use boullion unless it's an emergency)
1 teaspoon  fermented soy bean paste or black bean paste or chili (I found a jar of black bean sauce with garlic at the grocery store that looked promising. I used that instead)
1 teaspoon sliced ginger (I went berserk and used over 2 teaspoons)
1 tablespoon soy sauce or fish sauce (season to suit your taste)
1 stalk spring onion, sliced diagonally for garnish (totally forgot to do this)
Baby bok choy or Chinese broccoli (Accidentally bought Chinese CABBAGE instead of broccoli. I just cut up some of that and used it. No harm done)

Directions

1. Mix filling in a bowl. Place one teaspoon in center of won-ton wrapper and fold in half, sealing edges with water.
2. Boil 2 cups of chicken broth. (Or however much you ended up using) Add fermented soy beans (or black bean and garlic sauce) and ginger . Drop won-ton balls and continue cooking until won-tons starting floating. 
3. Add baby bok choy (if large, cut in half lengthwise) or sliced Chinese broccoli (Or Chinese cabbage). Cook until vegetables are blanched.
4. Remove from heat. Season with extra soy sauce, salt and pepper to taste (Yeah, there's probably enough sodium in here already. Maybe skip the extra soy sauce and salt unless you're a huge fan of hypertension.) Garnish with spring onions and serve.

Good times!

The Thanksgiving Chimichanga

     I give unto you one of my favorite holiday recipes. The Thanksgiving Chimichanga came about some seven years ago. We had a glut of leftovers and were tired of turkey sandwiches with cold side dishes. As luck would have it, I had the deep fryer out and full after making some Scotch eggs. The aftermath? Pure delicious. Everybody who hears about these first thinks they will be disgusting. Then they taste it and come to their senses. Here you go:

The Thanksgiving Chimichanga

Ingredients

• Some big flour tortillas
• All of your Thanksgiving leftovers
• Turkey gravy
• Oil for deep fryer

Directions

1. Get a deep fryer running at about 375F
2. Take a tortilla and lay it flat
3. Fill it with thin layers of all of your leftovers. Yes all. Even the cranberry sauce.
4. Roll it up like a burrito. You may have to stick a toothpick through it to keep it from unrolling.
5. Deep fry that bastard until it's golden brown
6. Take out of fryer and put on paper towel to absorb excess oil and cool a bit
7. Pour turkey gravy over top to serve
8. Thank me later.

   

   I assure you, it tastes way better than it looks.

Good times!

Thanksgiving in Retrospect: What We've Learned

     Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I have to say, the meal was a success. The actual process of cooking the meal was fairly non-tragic. After the dishes have been cleared and the leftovers packed away, I have a few observations.

My Mother Has The Supernatural Ability To Break Major Appliances
I wish I was kidding, but I'm being totally serious. Two years ago she came for Thanksgiving and the furnace stopped working. Last year the dryer broke down. This year? The circulator fan on the freezer gave out. That meant that anything from the middle down froze solid, and everything  from the middle up thawed out and hit room temperature. We ended up running to Menard's and buying a spare refrigerator to save everything that couldn't go into the chest freezer or coolers. At the very least, I now have a beer fridge. I love having my Mom over for Thanksgiving, I just need to start taking out extended warranties on everything.

No Matter How Long You Think You Need To Cook The Turkey, You're Totally Wrong
Did the calculations and figured out the time. Which was wrong. By like an hour. It all worked out. I figured I had to let the turkey rest before I cut it, so I had that thirty minutes to cook all the sides built in. It could have been tragic had I screwed up on the planning.

You can never screw up by adding bacon.

Booze Makes The Whole Process So Much Easier

This was a moderately high stress day. The refrigerator blowing up was something I was totally unprepared for. I managed to get through it by hitting the liquor early. A couple of beers after breakfast and a glass of Scotch and I was back on track. I can not reinforce enough the importance of drinking while cooking. 

Good times!

Monday Recipe: The Bird

     Thanksgiving is fast approaching and it's time to get serious. We need to talk turkey (sorry). Unless you're some kind of fascist anarchist (is that even possible?), you're going to have a big honking turkey for your main course. The question is, how do we cook it?

Well, that's an option if you like that hint of jellied petroleum. 

     It took me a few years of trial and error, but I've finally nailed down my turkey cooking method. Apart from one step, it's pretty easy and results in a tasty, juicy turkey. 

Ingredients

• 1 Big Honking Turkey
• A couple lemons, thinly sliced
• A bunch of bacon (I use peppered)
• A couple sticks of butter
• A couple onions, halved
• A few carrots, peeled and cut in half
• 10 ounces herbed butter

How to make herbed butter (altered from a Gordon Ramsay recipe via Channel 4)

• Take 2 1/2 sticks butter, room temperature
• Add 2 tsp. each of dried thyme, tarragon and parsley
• Mix together in small bowl. 

Directions

1. I don't even want to say this, but somebody will screw it up. Defrost the turkey and take out the bag of spare parts from inside. I generally just chuck those parts into the roaster. My mom loves the spare parts.
2. Work your hand in between the meat and the skin and gently lift the skin away all around the bird. You're basically making a pouch around the bird for ingredients.
3. Grab handfuls of the herbed butter and start spreading it around under the skin. Get it in everywhere. Try to get it into the drumsticks. You're basically going to violate the bird.
4.  Take the bacon and make a single layer between the turkey and the skin.
5. Take the lemon slices and lay a single layer on the bacon. Remember, for steps 3-5 you want to get these ingredients everywhere you can on the bird WITHOUT TEARING THE SKIN.
6. Chuck all the remaining butter ,onions and carrots in the cavity of the bird. 
7. Cook according to the directions that came with the bird, but baste it like you have OCD.

That's a fine looking bit of poultry right there.

Good times!

Thanksgiving

     Well, it's getting to be that time of the year again. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I have now cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the last nine years. Each year it gets a little easier. Cooking Thanksgiving does not have to be a traumatic ordeal. It likely still will be, but I am about to regale you with several handy tips that have proven extremely useful in my Middle Class Kitchen. These tips may save you a few bucks, your sanity and possibly the lives of your guests.

Set the menu in advance
Figure out what all your side dishes and desserts will be and stick to that menu. Make your list of ingredients and stick to it. You will not be needing anything else because of the next step.

Set your guest list in stone
Know who's coming well in advance. You have a vegetarian relative come in from out of town at the last minute? Too bad. They can get a nice salad at Denny's. You're not making special dishes at the last minute.

Hold out for a sale/giveaway on turkeys
This is a yearly tradition. Usually if I wait long enough, I can find a grocery store that will give you a 12-15 pound turkey if you buy $50 in groceries. You know damned well you're going to spend that much on ingredients so just wait. Contrary to popular belief, no store is going to run out of turkeys.

Prepare as much as you can ahead of time
We do a number of dishes that can be done a day or so in advance. Most casseroles will hold up just fine. Rolls can even be done days ahead and frozen.  Get those pies done the night before.

REMEMBER TO DEFROST THE GODDAMNED TURKEY
For the love of all that is holy, give the turkey enough time to defrost. Don't be that person soaking a frozen bird in a sink full of hot water. A completely defrosted turkey is important.

Especially if you're deep-frying it

And while you're defrosting, don't forget to take out the baggie of spare parts. I actually managed to forget and leave it in there while the bird cooked. No harm done. I think.

Keep your family out of the kitchen at all costs
I don't care what you do to keep them out of there. They are going to want to help and they must not be allowed to do so. Send them away. Let them watch a parade. If they enjoy watching large college students run into each other on television, have them do that. Just keep them out. They'll want to make slight adjustments or offer advice.

Manage the clock
Figure out how long each dish will take to cook. Make a little chart. Put in the dishes according to the chart so they come out all at once, or close to it. You'll thank me for this tip some day.

Just use canned cranberries
Nobody has ever said how great the home-made cranberry sauce was. Just open the can and dump it out. One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories is that cylinder of cranberry sauce with the can ridges still in it.

Drink
Keep a couple of bottles of wine handy. Maintaining a nice buzz is critical to making it through the Thanksgiving dinner prep. You say you're starting cooking at 9am? Great! Zinfandel is a great accompaniment to bagels and cream cheese. Plus, if you're half in the bag, you're much less likely to stab an in-law in the head with a carving knife!

Good times!