Renaissance Faire Garlic Mushrooms

 Back in the day, The Wife and I used to visit the Bristol Renaissance Faire in Wisconsin annually. Life has since gotten in the way. We moved a few hours away and have not made it back in over 15 years. We would go in costume and everything. One of The Wife's favorite treats there was garlic stewed mushrooms. I am not a fan of mushrooms, but she adored these. I have on and off attempted to approximate those mushrooms and this is the closest I've gotten. This does have a lot of liquid in it, so you could probably double off the mushrooms and onions and still be fine. Alternatively, have a good piece of crusty bread on hand and just dip in in the liquid. Either way, it's a fast and easy recipe for mushroom lovers. Just have a mint handy when you're done because these will give you breath that can slay a thousand elves.

Renaissance Faire Garlic Mushrooms

Ingredients

• 8 ounces mushrooms, sliced thick (or leave them whole if you really want. That's how they were at the faire)
• 1/2 large onion, chopped
• 6 cloves garlic, chopped
• 1 stick butter
• 1 cup beef stock (or vegetable stock if you don't do meat)
• 1/2 teaspoon smoked Cherrywood salt (in the event you can't find this, just throw in 1/2 teaspoon of salt and a few dashes of Liquid Smoke)
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic pepper
• 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 teaspoon cornstarch slurry (1/2 teaspoon corn starch, 1/2 teaspoon water, mixed)

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan, over medium heat, melt the butter. 
2. Add the onions and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally until the onions are translucent. 
3. Add the mushrooms, cook 2-3 minutes.
4. Add the stock, salt, garlic pepper, and Worcestershire sauce.
5. Bring to a simmer and let simmer for 5-7 minutes. 
6. Remove from the heat and mix in the slurry. 

Good Times!

Spicy Pork, Mushrooms, and Noodles

I have to tell you, I've been a hot mess lately. Literally.  The blower on our house AC died the first hot day we tried to use it. The hoses on The Wife's truck's AC gave out. We've also been busy with having the roof of the garage torn off and reshingled, and we're still in the process of filling in the in-ground pool once and for all. In all that excitement, I've fallen off on giving you the High Quality Content that you all deserve. I thought for sure I had lost this particular recipe, but while The Wife was moving stuff around, it materialized. So here you have it. A simple recipe for spicy pork and noodles. We used some leftover pork from pork steaks we had cooked before. If you don't have precooked, you can just cook it up in the pan before you add in the veggies. The heat on this dish is easily adjustable. It's also easily made vegetarian by leaving out the pork and using sauteed tofu or some more veggies. 

Spicy Pork, Mushrooms, and Noodles

Ingredients

• 8 oz. Thai red rice noodles (we found them at ALDI. If you can't find them, just use fettucini)
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 cup sliced, cooked pork
• 1 cup sliced mushrooms
• 3 scallions, sliced
• 2 tablespoons spicy mustard (we used a couple packets of hot mustard from the Chinese restaurant. Look around, I'm sure you have some in a drawer somewhere. Maybe in the bottom of the lettuce crisper)
• 1 tablespoon black bean garlic paste
• 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
• 1 tablespoon sriracha
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon white sesame seeds

Directions

1. Cook noodles a little shorter than the directions on the package call for (they will finish cooking at the end)
2. In a bowl, add the mustard, bean paste, hoisin, sriracha, pepper flakes, soy sauce and sesame seeds. Stir to mix.
3. In a large pan/wok, heat oil over medium high heat. Add mushrooms and scallions. Stir-fry for about 5-7 minutes.
4. Add the cooked pork and noodles to the pan. 
5. Pour sauce over everything and toss to coat. Lower heat to medium and cook another 3-4 minutes, tossing regularly, until the noodles are the desired tenderness.

Good times!

Hot and Sour Soup

     Once again I turn to my trusty copy of The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook. This time it's for soup. You can never go wrong with soup. Unless you undercook something and give everybody dysentery. Then I suppose you've gone wrong. You could also spill a scalding hot bowl on your crotch. I suppose that would be wrong, too. OK, you can go wrong with soup. This particular soup is worth the risk. One of my favorite treats at a Chinese restaurant is the hot and sour soup. I am always on the lookout for a recipe that replicates that experience. This does not even come close. Don't let that scare you away. This soup is really tasty and pretty easy to make. We really screwed around with the recipe and were very pleased with the results. If you can manage to keep the sodium down, you've got a really healthy meal. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Hot and Sour Soup
via The Thousand Recipe Chinese Cookbook

Ingredients

• 3 or 4 dried black mushrooms (as I do not normally engage in witchcraft, I do not normally stock these. We went with a 15-ounce can of straw mushrooms. Keep the liquid if you use the canned!)
• 1/4 pound lean pork (none on hand. We went with an equal amount of ground turkey)
• 2 bean curd cakes (that's kind of a nebulous measurement, so we went with a 1 pound block of firm tofu, cut into about 1/2 inch squares)
• 1 scallion (we used 2 since the garden is overrun with them)
• 1 15-ounce can stir fry vegetables, drained. We're talking water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, baby corn, sprouts, etc.)
• 5 cups stock (we used a home made shrimp stock. Feel free to use the stock of your choice)
• 1 cup mushroom soaking liquid (obviously you're only going to have these if you used the dried mushrooms. If you used the can like we did, just pour in the liquid along with the mushrooms)
• 1 tablespoon sherry (none on hand, we used an equal amount of dry vermouth)
• 2 tablespoons white vinegar (since this was hot and sour soup, we used an equal amount of pique sauce. It was still vinegar based, but had an extra hot pepper kick)
• 1 egg
• 2 tablespoons corn starch
• 1/4 cup water
• 3/4 to 1 teaspoon salt (omitted. There's already enough sodium in here)
• 1 teaspoon soy sauce
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper (doesn't say what kind. I used a bit of black and about 1/2 teaspoon of red pepper flakes)
• A few dashes of Tabasco if you want more heat
• Sesame oil

Directions

1. Soak dried mushrooms. Reserve soaking liquid (or just open can and don't drain it)
2. Sliver mushrooms, pork and bean curd. Mince scallion. Beat egg lightly. Blend cornstarch and cold water to a paste (we didn't cut the mushrooms at all. We used ground turkey so no slicing there. I decided to simply chop the scallions just to be a bastard).
3. (The original recipe does not specify what to cook the soup in. I went with a 5-quart pot.) Bring stock and mushroom soaking liquid to a boil. Add pork (or turkey. Or both if you're feeling daring) and mushrooms (if you went with the canned mushrooms, just unceremoniously dump the entire contents of the can into the pot. If you're also using the optional can of stir fry vegetables, it goes in at this point, too) and simmer, covered, for 10 minutes. 
4. Add bean curd and simmer, covered, for 3 more minutes.
5. Stir in sherry (or vermouth), vinegar (or pique), salt (if using. It's your heart; do what you want), soy sauce and pepper. Pour in cornstarch paste to thicken. Stir gently. 
6. Slowly add beaten egg, stirring gently once or twice (no more than twice! It would be bad. Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light) Remove from heat. Sprinkle with sesame oil and scallions.

   

   Total protonic reversal.
   
   Good times!

Mushroom and Chive Ravioli

     The Wife is somewhat predictable about certain things. If I ask what movie she wants to watch, it's always Pride and Prejudice or Ghostbusters. If she's going to read a book, likely it will be about the English royalty. If she's going to watch TV, it's going to be a baseball game. When it comes to food, it's pasta. Left to her own devices, it will be mac & cheese. If I'm cooking, it's pasta with red sauce and meatballs. I always tremble at that request because it is Labor Intensive. It's borderline P.I.T.A. However, she is wonderful and I love her very much, so I will indulge her. Plus, I really like pasta and meatballs, too. I already have a good red sauce and meatballs recipe I use, so I just needed to come up with a pasta. She loves ravioli and she loves mushrooms, so I threw together a filling for some ravioli for her. The end result was 54 delicious ravioli. Fortunately, they freeze really well. Just lay them on sheets of waxed paper with a dusting of flour! The basic pasta recipe came out of the KitchenAid pasta roller instructions. The filling is all mine. I hope you like it as much as much as we did! As always, notes are in blue.

Mushroom and Chive Ravioli

Ingredients

• For Filling
• 1 lb. ricotta cheese
• 8 ounces mushrooms, finely chopped (use whatever kind of mushroom you want. We used regular white mushrooms)
• 6-8 whole chives, finely chopped (use both the white and green part)
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tablespoons olive oil

• For Ravioli Pasta
• 4 large eggs
• 1 tablespoon water
• 3-1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour (I actually did sift the flour for once!)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions

For Filling

1. Heat olive oil in a large pan. Add chive and sautee for 2-3 minutes.
2. Add mushrooms and sautee for another 2-3 minutes.
3. Add Worcestershire sauce and sautee for one more minute. 

   

   Shroomin'!

4. Allow to cool for a few minutes, then put mushroom and chive mixture in a bowl with the ricotta and stir to incorporate.

   

   Now you need to resist the urge to just shovel this by the spoonful into your gaping maw.

For Pasta

1. Place eggs, water, flour and salt in mixing bowl. Add the beater blade, turn to speed 2 and mix for 30 seconds (we're assuming you have a KitchenAid here. If not, just mix by hand at whatever your personal "speed 2" setting would be)
2. Swap the beater blade for the dough hook. Turn to speed 2 and knead for 2 minutes (or if you're not lazy like me, just knead it by hand.)
3. Remove dough from bowl and hand-knead for 1-2 minutes (I actually did this. I am not a total slug.)
4. Divide dough into 4 pieces. Run each through a pasta roller until you his "5" (I'm hoping pasta rollers have universal measurements, because I went to 5 on the KitchenAid pasta roller. I apologize in advance if you end up with tissue paper)

Assembly

1. Take 2 rolled out sheets of pasta. On one, start dropping 1 tablespoon scoops of the filling at even intervals along the dough (Our ravioli ended up being about 2-3/4" across on the average. Use smaller scoops if you want an obscene amount of smaller ravioli.)

   

   Notice the precision spacing between the filling. That's because The Wife did this part.
   I was busy rolling out pasta.

2. Take a basting brush and brush water on the pasta in between the filling. Lay the other sheet of pasta over the top and press down in between the filling, sealing the two sheets and working out any air bubbles.
3. Use a ravioli wheel cutter to cut the pasta into squares (If you already have one of those things that stuffs and seals the ravioli all in one, you probably are way past anything I can offer you and should go to a site where they know what they are doing). If you're using my measurements, you'll end up with about 54 ravioli.
4. Cook like them you would any other ravioli. 

Those are the steady hands of a neurosurgeon.
Or an English teacher.
Good times!

Vegetable Uber Quiche

     Ah, the much-maligned quiche.  Is it macho? It makes no difference to me. It uses a lot of eggs, and that's what really matters. I'm a big fan of anything that uses lots of eggs. The only thing that keeps me from making quiche with any regularity is the crust. That's why I love the idea of a crustless quiche. Granted, a crustless quiche is very much like a breakfast casserole. I guess that's another win. This particular quiche is loaded with all sorts of veggies. So many, that I have dubbed it an "Uber-Quiche." I'd like to think that all the veggies cancel out the eggs and cheese. As far as I'm concerned, eating this is like eating celery. With cheese. And a bunch of eggs. Whatever. It's delicious and I plan on making it again. Feel free to mess with the veggies used. If you're making it a point to do exactly what I say every time, you're accepting a fair amount of risk. As always, any notes are in blue.

Vegetable Uber-Quiche

Ingredients

• 9 eggs
• 1 cup milk
• 1 heaping cup shredded cheddar-jack cheese
• 1/2 pound butternut squash, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
• 8 ounces button mushrooms, chopped
• 1/2 medium red onion, chopped
• 1 cup kale, spines removed
• 1 lb potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
• 1 yellow bell pepper, chopped
• 1 tablespoon Greektown seasoning (available from The Spice House. If you don't have it available, it uses: salt, garlic powder, Tellicherry black pepper, onion powder, oregano and lemon peel)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5)
2. Spray a 9x13 inch baking dish with nonstick cooking spray.
3. In a large bowl, mix all the vegetables to ensure an even distribution. Pour the vegetables into the baking dish and spread them in an even layer.
4. In another bowl, whisk the eggs, milk and cheese (make sure to take the eggs out of the shells. That's very important). Pour mixture over vegetables in baking dish.
5. Bake for 1 hour or until eggs are completely set.

Good times!

Pork Chops in Mushroom Sauce

     One of my biggest complaints about slow-cooker recipes is they often end up tasting very similar. I've had chicken recipes that taste like beef recipes that taste like pork recipes. It doesn't matter what the ingredients are, the meals all end up with an inoffensive flat taste. That's why this particular recipe took us by surprise. While the recipe ends up uniformly beige, there's actually a definable flavor. I imagine that's due to the Dijon mustard. Regardless of the reason, this made for a very tasty meal. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Pork Chops in Mushroom Sauce
via Taste of Home Slow Cooker

Ingredients

• 1 can (10.75 ounce) condensed cream of mushroom soup, undiluted
• 1/4 cup chicken broth
• 1/4 cup country-style Dijon mustard (never in my life have I heard of "country-style" Dijon mustard. I'm calling bullshit and just using regular old Dijon)
• 1 garlic clove, minced (feeling lazy, just used 1 teaspoon minced from a jar)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 6 medium red potatoes, sliced (I used russet potatoes and everybody survived)
• 1 medium onion, halved and thinly sliced
• 6 boneless loin pork chops (5 ounces each) (I used 5. SO THERE)
• 8 ounces sliced mushrooms of your choice

Directions

1. In a 5 quart slow cooker, combine the soup, broth, mustard, garlic and seasonings. (I managed to stuff everything into a 2.5 quart slow cooker)
2. Stir in potatoes and onions; top with pork chops
3. Cover and cook on LOW for 3-1/2 to 4-1/2 hours or until meat is tender

"Sir, you are being chauffeured around in a $250,000 Rolls Royce. Buy your own damned mustard."
Good Times! 

Baked Pasta Frittata

     I really like the idea of baked pasta, but it's just not something we do much in our house. I'm not sure what came over me to decide on this recipe. I think I was looking for some sort of pasta casserole and saw this. I had most of the ingredients in the house and had solid substitutions for the ingredients that were not on hand.  The result was not bad. The smoked sausage gave it a nice savory flavor. I think this would be good if I swapped in some spinach or kale. It was a touch on the heavy side and made for a very filling meal. I'll try it again, but I have the feeling this will be one of those recipes I'm endlessly swapping parts on. As always, changes and notes are in blue.

Baked Pasta Frittata 
via The Essential Pasta Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 oz butter
• 4 oz mushrooms, sliced
• 6 eggs
• 1 green pepper, seeded and chopped (the Wife's not a huge fan of green peppers, so we used a yellow bell pepper)
• 4 oz ham, sliced (we decided we had a surplus of smoked sausages in the freezer, so we used a 7 oz smoked sausage, halved and sliced)
• 1 cup cream or milk (we went with heavy cream)
• 3-1/2 oz spaghetti, cooked and chopped (amazingly enough, we did not have spaghetti in the house. We used rotini instead)
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• 1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan (right. Freshly poured out of the jar of Parmesan is more like it)

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350F. Lightly brush a flan dish with oil or melted butter (flan dish? Didn't have one on hand. I must have left it in the trunk of my Rolls Royce when I had the butler take it to be serviced. Please. I used my trusty cast iron skillet)
2. Melt the butter in a frying pan, add the mushrooms and cook over low heat for 2-3 minutes.  Add the pepper and cook for 1 minute. Stir in the meat. Remove the pan from the heat and allow the mixture to cool slightly. 
3. In a small bowl, whisk the eggs, cream and salt and pepper to taste. Stir in the pasta, parsley and mushroom mixture and pour into the prepared dish. Sprinkle with Parmesan and bake for 25-30 minutes. 

Good times!

Food I Have Trouble With

     I'm a grown man. I should be beyond this sort of stuff. My tastes have matured and I should be able to enjoy the myriad of foods available to me. This is not the case. There are just some foods and ingredients that I can't handle. Sometimes it's the taste, sometimes it's the consistency, sometimes it's childhood scarring.

"Souffles don't rise down here. When you're down here with us, you won't rise too!"

      Here is a small sampling of some of the foods I can't get past:

Blue Cheese

I know I should like this. I LOVE cheese. I have a few problems with blue cheese. For one thing, it's too pungent. Every time I have it in a dish, it tends to overpower everything. I also have a problem with the fact that it's fundamentally moldy cheese. When I see stuff growing on the cheese in my fridge, the first thing to go through my mind is generally not "Oh boy! A gastric delight!" You'd be pissed if somebody threw a piece of fuzzy cheddar on your burger and told you it was supposed to be that way.

Cherry Tomatoes

This is almost embarrassing. When I was like five or six, there was a cherry tomato in my salad. I picked it up with my fingers and bit into it. It squirted me directly in the eye, nearly blinding me. To this day, something like 35 years later, I still can't eat a raw cherry tomato. True story.

Swedish Potato Sausage

My mother-in-law's side of the family is Swedish, and year after year she attempts to inflict these on me. She calls them "potato skorka," but if you do a Google image search, you don't see pictures of sausages. Swedish Potato Sausages are actually called "potatiskorv" which leads me to believe that the Swedes are afraid to say the sausage's true name. Possibly they fear they will summon an angry sausage god that will lay waste to their town.  Nevertheless, these are just horrible. Imagine a bratwurst made of nothing but salt and gristle. Then make it an unappealing shade of beige. 

Potatiskorv knows the gate. Potatiskorv is the gate. Potatiskorv is the key and guardian of the gate.
Past, present, future, all are one in Potatiskorv.
He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. 

Swiss Chard

Tastes like dirt. It doesn't matter what I do with it. I've steamed, blanched, stir-fried, boiled, pickled, baked it in with other things, left it raw. It just tastes like I'm eating chunks of my yard. It's very aesthetically pleasing though, and ends up in the garden more for cosmetic reasons than anything else. 

Whole Mushrooms

If a mushroom is sliced and cooked, I'm fine. If it's a whole mushroom, I can't do it. Even a stuffed mushroom cap. There's something about the consistency. When I bite into a whole mushroom I get this weird feeling that somehow Freud would have something to say about it.

Panettone

Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws to death, but they have some strange tastes. Normally I love Italian food. My father-in-law's side is Italian and they have great food. The desserts are wonderful. Except panettone. Every year these are secreted on my holiday table. I see that cardboard box and just despair. They are the consistency of a kitchen sponge and fairly devoid of notable flavor. They are useful in case of the apocalypse as they have a shelf life that would make a Twinkie envious. We opened one last December and it was largely unchanged into mid-March. 

Good times!