Crab Rangoon Pizza

 I'm not sure where the inspiration came for this one. Probably from the bag of fake crab that had been in the freezer for an uncomfortable amount of time. Apparently, I'm not the first person to come up with this idea, but by the time I had figured that out, it was too late. The recipe was already scrawled on the back on an envelope. The Wife and I were both really surprised how good this was. Even The Spud condescended to take a tiny bite before going back to her crackers and cheese. I can't say the flavor was 100% authentic to a restaurant crab rangoon. You'd probably need to go a little heavier on the cream cheese. I don't recommend that, as it would make the topping way too thick. However! You could do it and just bump up the rest of the ingredients. Then forget about the flatbread as a crust, turn the topping into a dip, and use the bread for dipping. DAMN, I AM A GENIUS. I do recommend hitting it with a little hot sauce or crushed red pepper, it really brings it together. Let me know what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

Crab Rangoon Pizza
or Dip If You're So Inclined

Ingredients

• 4 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 pound artificial crab meat aka "crabuluxe," roughly chopped (don't even think about using real crab meat here. You know damned well the crab rangoon you're getting from the local place is using the fake stuff)
• 2 green onions, finely sliced
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce 
• (in the event you don't have either of those, you could probably get away with equal amounts of soy sauce or Worcestershire sauce)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 artisan flatbread, 7 ounces (ALDI has them. If you can't get to an ALDI, find something comparable at your local store)
• Optional: sriracha, or hot sauce of your choice. Even crushed red pepper would work

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425F (220C, Gasmark 7)
2. In a bowl, put in everything except the shredded cheese and the flatbread. Mix thoroughly.
3. Place the flatbread on a baking tray. Evenly spread the cream cheese mixture over the bread.
4. Sprinkle the shredded cheeses evenly over the top of the cream cheese mixture.
5. Put in the oven for 10 minutes, or until cheese is completely melted.
6. If you're using optional hot sauce/peppers, throw it on and get to work!

Good Times!

World's Best Ever (FIGHT ME) Deluxe Super Special Pasta Salad (with extra hyperbole!)

We're back from a long hiatus due to the world being a fundamentally nonstop torrent of shit. I won't go into it, but 2022 is shaping up to be one slobberknocker of a shitty year. Last weekend we decided we needed to distract ourselves and spent an entire Saturday in the kitchen. This culinary masterpiece is one of the many things we made. This is made from ingredients you're probably going to have around the house or at the very least, can get easily. The Spanish chorizo might be a small challenge. We have to order ours on Amazon as culinary tastes around here largely center on Natural Light or Horseshoes. That said, this is a Taste Delight and received rave reviews from The Wife. Naturally, the Spud stared in horror and refused to go anywhere near it. As always, notes are in blue.

 World's Best Ever (FIGHT ME)
Deluxe Super Special Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound elbow macaroni
• 1 can garbanzo beans (15.5 ounces), drained and rinsed
• 1 can black olives (6 ounces), drained and sliced
• 1 can diced tomatoes (14.5 ounces), drained
• 1 jar marinated artichoke hearts (12 ounces) (DO NOT DRAIN)
• 1 Spanish chorizo (about 8 ounces), chopped
• 1 small red onion, chopped
• 4 ounces crumbled feta cheese

For the Dressing

• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon hot sauce (we went with a carrot/habanero sauce)
• 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. Cook pasta to al dente. Or according to directions if you don't know what al dente is. Drain the pasta.
2. While the pasta is cooking, in a small bowl, whisk all the dressing ingredients until emulsified (the dressing, not you.)
3. In a HUGE bowl (not kidding here. This makes an alarming amount of pasta salad. You're going to have a hard time tossing it if the bowl isn't big enough.) dump in the pasta. 
4. Dump in everything else (including the dressing) but not the cheese. If you put in the cheese while the pasta is still hot, it's going to break down and you don't want that. 
5. Without sending the pasta salad flying all over the kitchen, carefully mix up the salad so the dressing and artichoke marinate coats everything. 
6. Put the salad in the fridge for an hour or two to let it cool off.
7. Add the cheese and give it one more toss. 

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Soup

Lately we have been in survival mode. We've had some drama around the homestead and work has been one nightmare after another for me and The Wife. Among other things, I had a sinus infection that led to over three weeks of coughing. Scorpia summed it up very succinctly:

Well, more of a challenge of a last few months.

Last Sunday, I finally had the energy to throw together something new. This recipe is about as easy as you could want. We used ALDI frozen chicken breasts. I didn't even defrost the meat, I just chucked it in frozen. If you're a vegetarian, feel free to leave the meat out. This would make a fine potato soup. If you're feeling tired and lazy, this is the way to go. It's a perfect soup for this weather. It's thick and spicy and definitely takes the edge off a cold day. Try it and let me know what you think, unless it's negative, then don't. I probably couldn't handle it at this point. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken Soup

Ingredients

• 6 potatoes, cut into small (1/4") cubes. Peeling them is optional
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 2 stalks celery, finely chopped
• 1 medium carrot, peeled and grated
• 1 pound chicken (boneless skinless thighs or breasts. I used breasts for this recipe)
• 2 packs (2 ounces each) Buffalo Chicken Soup/Dip Mix (I got mine at Aldi. I'm sure most grocery stores have it. If you don't like spicy, do one packet. If you do like spicy, use the two recommended and then dump in some Frank's or Tabasco)
• 32 ounces chicken stock
• 1 block (8 ounces) Neufchatel cheese (or you can use regular cream cheese)

Directions

1. Throw everything but the cheese into a 5 quart or larger slow cooker in the order listed above. 
2. Cook on HIGH for 4 hours.
3. Shred the chicken (I just got in there with a couple of forks and tore it up)
4. Add the cheese and stir until it is incorporated. 
5. Turn to LOW and cook another 30 minutes.

Good times!

Best Ever (FIGHT ME) Slow Cooker Tomato Soup

 I don't normally bandy around the term "BEST EVER." It's trite. It's overused. It generally denotes a slow cooker recipe that is, in fact, not the best ever. HOWEVER, this recipe is, based solely on my experience with tomato soups, the BEST EVER. I will gladly fight anyone who says differently. How do I know it's the BEST EVER? I really fucking hate tomato soup and this was actually pretty good. I know The Wife enjoyed it immensely. The Spud enjoyed it, but all she's ever had was canned tomato soup from Aldi, so the bar was set pretty low there. Other than the caramelizing of onions, this recipe is super easy. Just remember not to add the cream until the end. As always, notes are in blue.

I can say without fear of contradiction, this is the
Best Ever*
Slow Cooker Tomato Soup

Ingredients

• 1 quart canned tomatoes, undrained (we used our own canned tomatoes. If you don't have home canned, just use an equivalent amount of canned stewed tomatoes)
• 1 can (14.5 ounce) fire roasted tomatoes, undrained
• 1 quart reduced sodium chicken stock
• 1 tablespoon dried basil
• 2 teaspoons Ukrainian Village seasoning from the Spice House (if you can't or won't get the seasoning, use a mix of Kosher salt, garlic, onion, bell peppers, and pepper. No clue as to what ratios you'd use. That's why I'm using the seasoning). 
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 medium onion, sliced into half rings
• 2/3 cup heavy cream

Directions

1. In a pan, melt butter and sauté onions on medium heat until they caramelize, about 7-10 minutes. 
2. Add the onions and everything else other than the cream into a slow cooker (I used a 5 quart)
3. Cook on LOW for 4-1/2 hours.
4. At the end of the 4-1/2 hours, use and immersion blender to completely blend the soup. It should be completely smooth. (if you don't have an immersion blender, you're going to have to transfer the soup to a blender and do it in batches)
5. Once the soup is blended, add the cream and stir. 

Good Times? THE BEST

*In the highly unlikely event you don't feel this soup is the BEST EVER, it is likely due to some sort of failing on your part. Probably an unrefined palate or some sort of taste bud injury from a microwave burrito.

'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

 We are about halfway through September and the garden is still throwing habanero peppers like it's mad at us. The Wife is making noises about giving some of them away, and that just won't do. So I decided to make a hot sauce recipe that uses two dozen peppers a batch. I did. This one is a real roller coaster ride. It's like a Saturday morning with a six-year old in the house. It starts off nice and pleasant and then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. That's the best way I can describe it. More specifically, it's got a bright, slightly fruity taste. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I could probably make some absolutely deadly hot-wings. Possibly add a few drops to a Bloody Mary. Maybe just drink it straight if I wanted to scream for a while. Basically a lovely flavor plays around in your mouth as you burn.

This recipe will yield 1-1/2 pints of sauce. If you own a Insta-Pot Ace blender, you can actually do everything but the canning step in the blender by running the puree program. 

Give it a spin and tell me what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

'Nero Fiddles Hot Sauce

Ingredients

• 2 dozen habanero peppers, stems removed (don't you even think about removing the seeds, you big baby)
• 2 red bell peppers, chopped
• 1 white onion, chopped
• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh sage
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1/4 cup white tequila (if you don't do alcohol, just omit and split the difference between more vinegar and lime juice)

Directions

1. Put all the ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth.
2. Pour contents of blender into a non-reactive pot. Heat to a simmer for about 10 minutes. 
3. Return to the blender (or use an immersion blender) to ensure everything is totally liquefied. 
4. If you're not going to can this sauce, you're done. 

   

   Fire in the hole!

5. If you are canning, fill three half pint jars to 1/4 inch headspace and secure lid and ring. Process in a boiling water bath for about 12-15 minutes. As always, review canning procedures at The National Center for Home Food Preservation to make sure you don't accidentally poison anyone. 

Good times!

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce

 Holy shit did the garden throw a lot of cucumbers at us. There's only so many cucumber sandwiches, or tomato/cucumber/onion salad you can eat. I decided to use the vast surplus along with the bumper crop of jalapenos were also blessed with. The end result was a rock-solid hot sauce. It starts with an unmistakable cucumber flavor. Then the heat builds quickly but then levels off with a nice sweet finish. This would be great with fish or chicken. Or, as The Wife prefers, unceremoniously shoveled into her gob with Aldi Lime Nacho Chips. To each their own. This recipe will yield about 2-1/2 pints of sauce. 

Cucumber-Jalapeno Hot Sauce
aka Green Meanie

Ingredients

• 2 decent sized cucumbers, peeled, seeded, and chopped
• 12 jalapenos, chopped (I suppose if you're a HUGE BABY you could seed them to cut down on the heat, but then why are you even looking at a hot sauce recipe?)
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 3/4 cup water
• 2 cups white wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon dry cilantro
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon amchoor (dried mango) powder

Directions

1. In a medium pot, combine all ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer for about 10 minutes.
2. Pour mixture into a blender or use an immersion blender to blend until as smooth as possible.
3. Feel free to strain the sauce if you want something closer to a liquid-only hot sauce, or leave it as-is for something closer to a thin salsa.
4. If you plan on canning this sauce, we went with 5 half pint jars, 1/4" headspace, and 12 minutes in the boiling water bath. As always please go to the National Center for Home Food Preservation and brush up on canning so you don't accidentally kill anyone.

Good times!

Pickle Dip

 Some time ago I happened on a wondrous product at our Sam's Club. It was a Taste of the South Fried Pickle and Ranch Dip. It was delicious and reasonably priced. However, our Sam's is almost 30 minutes away. It wasn't always practical to pick it up. I decided to replicate the recipe. I'll be damned if I didn't come really close. This is an excellent dip for veggies or chips, or as a filler for those cute little spiral roll ups. You could just be a savage and spoon it straight into your gob. Nobody will know. Fair warning, much like the original, the pickles cause the dip to break down and get watery after a day or two. Just stir it a few times and you're back in business. Try it. It's killing you not to. 

I'd like it pointed out I did not make any "pickle dip" jokes in this post. I'm growing as a person. I guess if you want a pickle dip joke you'll have to insert it yourself. DAMMIT I WAS SO CLOSE.

Pickle Dip

Ingredients

• 1 pint jar of pickles. 
• 1 lb container sour cream
• 4 ounces cream cheese (we used neufchatel), softened
• 1/4 cup Ranch dressing
• 1/4 cup Italian style bread crumbs
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/8 teaspoon turmeric
• 1/2 teaspoon dill weed

Directions

1. Take the pickles from the jar and chop them as finely as you can. Reserve the pickle juice from the jar, you may need it later.
2. In a large bowl, add all the ingredients (except the reserved pickle juice) and whisk the living shit out of it until everything is incorporated.

   

   If I didn't have a whisk, I'd be in a real "pickle."
   Sorry.

3. Give it a taste, if it's not pickly enough for you, (picklishious? pickletastic?) add a couple splashes of pickle juice. Don't get crazy or the dip will get thin.

Good times!