Friday, April 5, 2019

Terms I Will Not Use

Just a quick list of terms that I refuse to use

Deconstructed
This term translates loosely into "too lazy to combine the ingredients." Technically, a bag of flour, a bag of peanuts and a bag of grapes is a "Deconstructed PB&J Sandwich." Knock that pretentious stuff off. Deconstruction is what you do when you're done playing with Legos.
Now that's deconstructed
Mouthfeel
This word just feels vaguely inappropriate. Mouthfeel sounds like something that would cost $50 extra in a massage parlor. It's even worse when you consider it in your own mouth. I feel violated. "That sausage sandwich had a greasy mouthfeel." It sounds nasty. Even if you say you loved the mouthfeel you still sound like some sort of deviant.
If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Artisan
This term just smacks of conceit.  People are just applying it everything now. Artisan cheese. Artisan bread. Artisan toothpaste. It just means you used some goofy way to prepare it. Just because you used the combined body heat of 42 naked Swiss virgins to bake your bread, it doesn't make it artisan. It makes it pretentious. You used fancy ingredients? Super. Doesn't make it artisan. Otherwise I could call my cat food "Artisan Feast."
"Hang on, the roast is almost done!"
Toothsome
This word doesn't make a bit of sense in it's context. Tasty? No. Food is not toothsome.
Shelley Duvall is toothsome.
Moist
I will not apply any word to food that I can apply to my crawlspace.
Ed Sheeran saying makes it 1,000 times worse.
Drool-worthy
Whenever I hear this word used, I immediately imagine someone sitting at the table, long tendrils of saliva oozing out of their open mouth. They breathe heavily, creating wet, sucking noises you'd expect to hear in a tuberculosis ward. A puddle of drool slowly collects on their plate. See? Totally not appetizing. Honestly, anybody openly drooling at my table is going to be asked to leave.
Yup, time to go.


Too Damned Easy Sausage and Peppers

Man, oh, man does life get in the way. It has been way too long since I've updated my blog. Why? The Spud. The Job. Sinus infections. All the random stuff that stops me from making anything other than the occasional post. So my plan is to dig through all my drafts for blog posts and get them  up, even if it means I don't have all the photos. Take this recipe for instance. This sausage and pepper recipe is a regular feature in our house and yet the only photo I have is of the ingredients. I assure you that they will combine nicely and make a great entree or an exceptional topper for pasta. It's basically a 30 minute recipe and is great for a nice mid-week meal.

Too Damned Easy Sausage & Peppers
Ingredients
  • 4 bell peppers, cut into half-inch strips (we used red and orange, but feel free to use green or whatever color you want)
  • 1 medium yellow onion, sliced
  • 1 pound Italian sausages, cased (sweet, mild, or hot depending on your taste)
  • 1 24-ounce can of pasta sauce 
  • 4 ounces of mushrooms, sliced (feel free to use canned, since we're keeping it simple)
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced (just go ahead and use a couple tablespoons of jarred. At this point we're not really looking for Michelin Stars)
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
Directions
  1. Heat olive oil in a large pan.
  2. Add the sausages for 5-7 minutes, turning occasionally, until browned. Remove sausages and put them somewhere safe from marauding spouses and animals.
  3. Add garlic, peppers, and onions and sautee over medium heat 3-5 minutes, or until veggies start to get tender.
  4. Add mushrooms and sautee another 2 minutes or so. 
  5. Slice the sausages and add them back to the pan. 
  6. Pour in the pasta sauce and bring to a simmer. Simmer for 5-7 minutes.
Good Times!