Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins

     I am a sucker for deals. One of my favorite deals is the sack of ripe bananas at the grocery store. They will pack nearly 3 pounds of ripe bananas into a sack and charge you one dollar. How can I walk past that? Most of the time we end up dehydrating them for banana chips. Sometimes they end up in banana bread. This time they ended up in muffins with chocolate chips. The recipe for these muffins came from my much abused copy of Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals. These muffins came out great. They were moist with a great banana flavor. These will serve as a great quick breakfast during the work week. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Chocolate Chip Banana Muffins 
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup wheat bran (this is on the master list of Shit That Is Never In My Pantry. I substituted with 1/2 cup additional whole wheat flour)
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder (am I the only one who repeats "baking powder, baking powder" to themselves as they walk to the pantry, then come back to the counter with baking soda anyway?)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1/4 cup fat-free milk (you might as well just use water at that point. I used 2%)
• 1-1/3 cup (2-3 medium sized) mashed ripe bananas 
• 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce (we used our own homemade applesauce, which is sweetened. I see no harm in sweetened applesauce here unless you have a dietary concern about the additional sugar)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup miniature chocolate chips (we used an additional 1/4 cup, but did not add it to the batter. We stuffed those chips in our faces as we made these muffins)
• 1/3 cup chopped pecans (omitted. We're not huge fans of nutty breads or muffins)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5)
2. In a large bowl, combine the first seven ingredients (don't think I didn't consider being an asshole and listing the ingredients out of order up top just to screw things up. I didn't. Or did I?)
3. In another bowl, combine the egg and milk; stir in the bananas, applesauce and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients until moistened. Stir in chocolate chips. 
4. Coat muffin pans with nonstick cooking spray; fill 3/4 full with batter. Sprinkle with pecans (if using pecans. Otherwise just jam another handful of chocolate chips into your mouth)
5. Bake for 18-22 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean (this time ours finished in 20 minutes. Cooking times may vary). Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack.

Good times!

Cranberry Bread Pudding

     Ever since I had bread pudding at the buffet at the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas some twenty years ago, I've been a huge fan. Of bread pudding, I mean. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the Golden Nugget immensely. They comped me and my dad to a fabulous breakfast after I put in 17 hours at a $3 blackjack table. They also told me I hold the casino record for smallest marker ever taken at $7. I also hold the fastest repayment of a marker at less than ten minutes from borrow to payback. My buddy Dave and I had a bender and came back from Glitter Gulch at 4AM and wound up hitting $750 on the Double Diamonds machine right before we went back to our rooms. Man, those were some good times. I have to get back there again sometime soon. Anyways, this is bread pudding with cranberries and I can't remember where the original recipe came from. Let me know if you know. Regardless, it's good and you should make some. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Cranberry Bread Pudding

Ingredients

• Cooking spray for greasing pan
• 1 (1-pound) loaf artisan white bread, cubed (I hope that Pepperidge Farms Cranberry bread counts as artisan, because I can get it for 99 cents a loaf at my local grocery store and that's what I use)
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 ½ cup dried cranberries (I prefer to call them craisins)
• 4 cups milk
• ¾ cup granulated sugar
• 2 tablespoons corn syrup
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 7 eggs, slightly beaten

Directions

1. Preheat oven 325F
2. Grease 13x9” baking dish. Place bread in pan and sprinkle with cinnamon and cranberries
3. Combine milk, sugar and corn syrup in a saucepan. Heat over medium heat until small bubbles form around edge of pan. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla
4. Slowly pour hot milk mixture over eggs, whisking constantly (please make sure the mixture isn't too hot or you're going to end up cooking the eggs on the spot). Pour mixture over bread and cover with foil
5. Place pan on rimmed baking sheet in oven. Pour water onto baking sheet to create a water bath (PROTIP: Don't be a schmuck and try to put the water in the sheet first, then carry it to the oven. I guarantee it won't end well). Bake 30-45 minutes until custard has just set. Test by inserting knife into center to be sure custard is thoroughly cooked.

Good times!

The Wife's Zucchini Bread

     Like I've told you before, my wife doesn't do much of the cooking in the house. We have an agreement where I do most of the cooking and she cleans up the wreckage. She does, however, have a few recipes in her repertoire.  They are all very good. Her zucchini bread is one of my all-time favorites. She got the recipe from the One Million of the World's Best Recipes CD-ROM. You know what? I'm calling bullshit on that CD. How can there be more than one of the "World's Best" anything? The CD should have one recipe. Even if it was the "World's Best" of each type of food I still can't believe there are a million distinctly different categories of food. I think a more accurate title would have been "One Million Really Good Recipes and Lots of Okay Ones."

Sorry, I seem to have gotten off track.

     Anyway, this bread is fantastic. The wife leaves out the walnuts from this recipe and I think that's a really good call. The bread is such a wonderfully soft consistency, I think the crunchiness of the walnuts would throw it off. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

The Wife's Zucchini Bread

Ingredients

• 3 eggs
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 cup vegetable oil (we substituted 1/2 cup apple butter in for 1/2 cup of oil. Applesauce would work, too)
• 2 cups white sugar
• 2 cups grated zucchini
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 3 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (omitted)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 325F. Grease and flour two 8"x4" loaf pans
2. In a large bowl, beat eggs until light and frothy.
3. Mix in oil (and apple butter if you're using it) and sugar.
4. In another bowl, combine flour, cinnamon, baking soda, baking powder, salt and nuts (seriously, leave the nuts out. It's so much better. Or don't. I'll never know). Stir into the egg mixture.
5. Divide batter into prepared pans. Bake for 60-70 minutes, or until done (ours took 75 minutes. Fairly close for once!)

Good times!

Banana Chocolate Cake

     Well, I still haven't run out of baking recipes in the Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals cookbook.  We wound up picking this recipe because the local market was selling entire bunches of bananas for 49 cents. They were in moderately sad shape and usable mostly for cooking. We took the couple good ones and used them with blueberries in a honking big bowl of corn flakes for breakfast. But I digress. It just so happened we had everything in the house for this cake. We even had the powdered milk, which had been hiding in a cabinet for about five years.  No harm done. This particular cake was a big hit. It is really good heated up with a big dollop of ice cream on it. As always, and changes or notes will be in blue.

Banana Chocolate Cake
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• Sugar substitute equivalent to 3/4 cup sugar (DECIDE: Cancer or Diabetes? We went with diabetes and used 3/4 cup of real sugar)
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/3 cup butter, softened
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 medium ripe bananas, mashed
• 1/2 cup water
• 1-1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup nonfat dry milk powder
• 3 tablespoons baking cocoa
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 teaspoon confectioner's sugar

Directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, beat the butter and sugar substitute (or actual sugar), brown sugar and butter on medium speed for 3 minutes (I wasn't aware I had actual speed settings other than "hurried" or "sedentary." I'm guessing the recipe assumes we have a mixer for this step, which fortunately I do.)
2. Add eggs and vanilla; mix well. Add bananas and water; mix well. 
3. In another bowl, combine flour, milk powder, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add to sugar mixture, beating just until blended.
4. Pour into a 9" square baking pan coated with nonstick cooking spray (as I am writing this I just realized I didn't do that. I used a bundt cake pan. I did so because there was a picture of a different chocolate cake from a bundt cake pan on the opposite page. Whatever, the cake came out fine), bake at 375F for 23-28 minutes (As always, ours took longer; closer to 40 minutes. Just use the original times and keep an eye on it. Cooking times will vary), until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean and the edges of the cake are just starting to pull away from the sides of the pan.
5. Cool on a wire rack. Dust with confectioner's sugar (fun trick for easy dusting: put the sugar into a fine mesh strainer. Hold the strainer about 6-8" above the cake and give the edge of the strainer a tap with a spoon. Just go over the whole cake doing this).

GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD,
Good times!

Skillet Apple Brownie via All Recipes

     I have mixed emotions about All Recipes. It's kind of like the YouTube of recipe sites. People put their best efforts into creating something, then the people in the comments ruthlessly dismantle the person who posted. Some of the comments are just downright mean. However, there are some fairly good recipes lurking about. I actually subscribed to the All Recipes magazine to allow the recipes to be pre-screened for me. That's how I found this recipe. This was a very dense and rich dessert and would benefit greatly from a nice vanilla ice cream melting across the top. As always, any notes and changes are in blue.

Skillet Apple Brownie
via All Recipes

Ingredients

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg (I used 1/2 teaspoon)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves (omitted)
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (I substituted a tablespoon of French Vanilla syrup from Java & Co.)
• 1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon melted butter
• 2 cups apples, peeled, cored and chopped (I used a pint of my home canned apples in bourbon and clove)
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans (No pecans in the house. I substituted chopped walnuts)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Place an 8-9" cast iron skillet in oven to preheat.
2. Whisk together flour, white sugar, brown sugar, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves (if used) in a bowl; set aside.
3. Beat together eggs, vanilla extract (or syrup), 1/2 cup of melted butter in a mixing bowl. (I used the Kitchenaid. Eventually Kitchenaid has to give me a sponsorship)
4. Toss apples and nuts in flour mixture, then stir into egg mixture until combined (again, the Kitchenaid was used to combine the dry and wet ingredients. ARE YOU LISTENING, KITCHENAID?)
5. Add remaining 1 tablespoon butter to hot skillet, coating pan evenly. Pour batter into pan and place in oven. Bake until sides are dry and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 40 minutes (as always mine took a bit longer, closer to 50 minutes. Cooking times may vary)
6. Cool in skillet 20 minutes before removing to slice (as you can see from the picture, I left it in the pan to slice. Rebel to the end, that's me)

Good times!

Tiramisu Parfaits

     I really need to start posting more dessert recipes. Dessert is the final challenge of the meal! For my father-in-law's birthday, the wife and I cooked him Italian pinwheel rolls, linguine with white clam sauce, escalope of chicken, and zucchini boats. He made a herculean effort to get through dinner, finishing off a big helping of everything. Then came dessert. Like a champ, he powered through it, leaving nothing but a napkin stuffed into the glass. It's subtle signs like that which let you know a recipe is a good one! This particular recipe is another winner from Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Tiramisu Parfaits
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 4-1/2 teaspoons instant coffee granules
• 1/3 cup boiling water
• 2 cups cold fat-free milk (2% for me, same as always)
• 2 packages (1 ounce each) sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix
• 4 ounces fat-free cream cheese
• 1 package (3 ounces) ladyfingers, split and cubed (could not find the soft kind ANYWHERE. We used half a package of the cookie-style ladyfingers. It was about 3.5 ounces.)
• 2 cups fat-free whipped topping (we used an entire tub of Cool-Whip. That's like 2 cups, right?)
• 2 tablespoons miniature chocolate chips (not only were the chips not mini, I didn't measure them either. I just sprinkled them completely at will)
• 1 teaspoon baking cocoa (again, I didn't measure. I just eyeballed it)

Directions

1. Dissolve coffee in boiling water; cool to room temperature.
2. In a large bowl, whisk milk and pudding mixes for 2 minutes.
3. In a larger mixing bowl, beat cream cheese until smooth (you're also going to want to make sure the cream cheese isn't cold. It needs to be a bit soft for this to work) Gradually fold in the pudding. (this recipe doesn't mention that the cream cheese does not easily incorporate into the pudding. It sort of breaks up into little balls. I had to put this all in the Kitchenaid with the whisk attachment and whisk the crap out of it for 2-3 minutes. It eventually blended smoothly)
4. Place ladyfinger cubes in a bowl; add coffee and toss to coat evenly. Let stand for 5 minutes. Divide half of the ladyfinger cubes among five (may vary depending on size of glasses) parfait glasses or serving dishes. Top with half of the pudding mixture, 1 cup of whipped topping and 1 tablespoon of chocolate chips. Repeat layers.
5. Cover and refrigerate for 8 hours or overnight. Just before serving, dust with cocoa.

Good times!

Maple Bacon Walnut Ice Cream

     Every now and then I have a stroke of sheer genius. A spark of inspiration so bright it is blinding. I run around the kitchen clapping my hands and generally looking pleased with myself. This was one of those times. I had made bacon for breakfast and ended up with some leftovers. Jokingly, I suggested making bacon ice cream. That's when it hit. Not just bacon ice cream. Bacon ice cream with toasted walnuts. And maple! There must be maple! But not just any maple. Maple Crown Royal! So I dragged out the ice cream maker and commandeered the basic vanilla ice cream recipe from the manual.
     The result? The maple flavor of the Crown Royal came through wonderfully. The walnuts and bacon gave a nice crunch. It was the perfect combination of sweet and savory.

Maple Bacon Walnut Ice Cream

Ingredients

• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1-1/2 cup whipping cream
• 1-1/2 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup
• 4 strips crisp bacon crumbled into small pieces
• 2 tablespoons crushed, toasted walnuts
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• 2 tablespoons Maple Crown Royal

Directions

1. In a pan, melt butter. Add bacon, walnuts and brown sugar. Cook on medium heat until a thin caramel starts to form, stirring regularly. Set aside to cool.

   

   This is what you should have at this point

2. In a large bowl, beat eggs and sugar until light. Add whipping cream, milk, Crown Royal and vanilla. Combine thoroughly.
3. Add the bacon, walnut and caramel mixture to the large bowl, mix well.
4. Load into the ice cream maker of your choice and process as directed.

Good times!

Middle Class Bartending: Pumpkin Cocktails

     The holiday season is fast approaching, and that can mean only one thing: Heavy Drinking. There is going to be a lot of interaction with all sorts of relatives and friends and booze can make that interaction go smoothly. At the very least you won't remember if it didn't. In honor of the arrival of fall, I present to you two pumpkin themed cocktails that are very popular in my home.

Pumpkin Nog

Ingredients

• 1.5 parts Vanilla Vodka
• .5 parts Pumpkin Schnapps
• 2 parts Pumpkin Liqueur
• Nutmeg (optional)

Directions

1. Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice
2. Shake and drain into an Old Fashioned glass
3. Float a small dusting of ground nutmeg on the surface (optional)

The VanPelt*

Ingredients

• 1 part Vanilla Vodka
• 1 part Pumpkin Schnapps
• Cinnamon (optional)

Directions

1. Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice
2. Shake and drain into a martini glass
3. Float a very small dusting of of cinnamon on the surface (optional)

*I absolutely refuse to tag the suffix "-tini" onto any cocktail. No, I can't tag it on "Martini" because then it would be "Martinitini." If you are drinking some neon drink with a slab of fruit hanging off of it, and a cutesy name and "-tini" slapped on to it, you likely belong to a demographic I do not.

Good times!

Middle aged, single and desperate? That's what I'm talking about!

Good times!