Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Things That Piss Me Off To No End

     You may be shocked to discover that I am not always a mild, level-headed person. Hard to believe, but it's true. You'll find I have quite the list of dining-related pet peeves. Here's a few from the comprehensive list of things that piss me off to no end.

Noisy Eaters
I'm glad you're enjoying your food, I really am. The best way to let me know you are enjoying the meal is to say so. I don't want to hear you moaning and groaning as you eat. Also, if you really can't make it through a meal without making a series of loud, smacking noises to show that you are in fact tasting your food, take your plate and go sit outside. If chewing with your mouth closed is difficult, you're sitting outside, too. Seriously, there aren't many things that can put me off my feed. Grotesque noises at the table are among those things that will. I have a friend that I love to death, but listening to him eat is an absolute hardship. I swear to God, I've observed him eat a Fillet-O-Fish and he sounded like the overdub to a porno movie. 

People Who Salt My Meals Before They Even Have A Single Bite
I am always a little offended when this happens. I spend a lot of time putting a meal together. I work to ensure all the ingredients are in harmony. I have plated the food just so. I have put a great deal of work into making sure everything will taste great. Then some jackbag grabs for the salt shaker and commences to start shaking the salt before they even have a taste. Did I miss something? I don't recall inviting any psychics to the meal. If you are prescient enough to know that my food needs more salt, you should be prescient enough to know that I'm going to blow a gasket and chew you out for not at least trying the food first.

My grandmother salted my meal before tasting it, once. ONCE.
People Who Bring Their Electronic Leashes To The Table
I have unfortunately had to institute a very strict rule prohibiting bringing an electronic device to the table. We are here to eat and socialize, not check your phone every three minutes. Nobody at my table does anything for a living that requires them to be on call at all times. Well, maybe one. He works for the police department. Amazingly, that's the only person to never consult his phone at the table. For a while, though, I found myself preparing to serve the table and it was a sea of phones, tablets and laptops. If you can't make it through a meal without checking your phone, stay at home. I consider this amazingly rude and thoughtless and if it kept up, I probably would have whipped a beer bottle at someone's head.
That'll learn ya' to turn the phone off!

Good times!

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