Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Mango Creme Girl Scout Cookies Are The Worst Thing Ever

     I know I'm treading on dangerous ground here. I'm about to bash on the Girl Scouts. I have reason to do so. It's not the higher prices. It's not the reduced amount of cookies per box. I can understand that. That's just business. Nothing wrong with maximizing profits. The reason is the Mango Creme cookie. There has been a lot of hype about this cookie. It's hard to find. Apparently, not every Girl Scout is given access to this cookie. It is made with NutriFusion™. I'm not the first person to rail on these cookies and I certainly won't be the last. Why? Because Mango Cremes with NutriVomit™ are The Worst Thing Ever.

     First, what the hell is PutriFusion™? The NutriDelusion™ website claims: "NutriFusion™ is by far, the emerging leader in both the rapidly growing food science and nutritional supplement categories. This all-natural blend of whole food concentrations will enable more people of all ages, young adults and children to consume vital nutrients more regularly and more conveniently." Sounds kind of shady. I recall other products that were supposedly infused with all sorts of useful nutrients.

NutriFusion™ IS PEOPLE!!!
     Sketchy marketing aside, let's take a look at the actual product. Upon opening the box and protective foil wrap you are greeted with a not altogether unfamiliar smell. Most of you ladies will recognize it from firsthand experience. The gents may recognize it by proxy. It's not unpleasant when not attached to food. 

 I truly wish I were joking.
     I'm not for a minute going to deny that you smell mango when you open the cookies. However, this is the kind of mango smell you get from bath products, not food. I will say that the flavor is exactly what you'd expect based on the aroma. It tastes like you're eating bath soap. To say the cookies are "cloying" would be an understatement. You take a bite and at first, you don't really taste much. Then the flavor sort of invades your mouth. It's kind of like the sensation you get when you put a Hall's cough drop in your mouth, but with synthetic fruit flavor instead. You ready for the game breaker? You have a box handy? Go check the ingredients. Look towards the bottom of the list. I'll wait. Yes, you read it right. Concentrate of shitake mushrooms.

Is it too late to order a box of Thin Mints?
     On second thought, maybe I'll just go get a box of Nutter Butters from the store.

Good times!

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