The Great Ham Meltdown of 2010

     It was the night before Christmas Eve. I was preparing as much as I could for the huge meal I was cooking for my in-laws. The centerpiece would be a roasted ham that was to be brined overnight. I had done a lot of shopping for that meal and apparently was a bit lax in picking out the ham. When I pulled it from the fridge, I realized I had purchased a spiral cut ham. For brining purposes, I needed a whole ham.

     Some people might have handled it better. Some might have changed the meal up to utilize the spiral ham. Some might even have just gone back to the store and bought the correct ham. Those people are not me. I chose to completely melt down and go batshit crazy.

Actual photograph of the incident.

     I lamented the dinner, that was now ruined for all time. Nothing could possibly fix this. I screeched how brining a spiral cut ham would just result in ham soup. All hope was lost. Christmas Eve dinner was destroyed and we would just have to get pizzas from the fucking gas station in town.

     The wife attempted to calm me down. I was having no part of it. I recall her telling me to calm the hell down and just go get another ham. I would have no part of it. I'm not sure exactly what my damage was, but I thundered, raging and pouting around the house for the better part of an hour before just going out and buying another ham.

Good times!

The Thanksgiving Chimichanga

     I give unto you one of my favorite holiday recipes. The Thanksgiving Chimichanga came about some seven years ago. We had a glut of leftovers and were tired of turkey sandwiches with cold side dishes. As luck would have it, I had the deep fryer out and full after making some Scotch eggs. The aftermath? Pure delicious. Everybody who hears about these first thinks they will be disgusting. Then they taste it and come to their senses. Here you go:

The Thanksgiving Chimichanga

Ingredients

• Some big flour tortillas
• All of your Thanksgiving leftovers
• Turkey gravy
• Oil for deep fryer

Directions

1. Get a deep fryer running at about 375F
2. Take a tortilla and lay it flat
3. Fill it with thin layers of all of your leftovers. Yes all. Even the cranberry sauce.
4. Roll it up like a burrito. You may have to stick a toothpick through it to keep it from unrolling.
5. Deep fry that bastard until it's golden brown
6. Take out of fryer and put on paper towel to absorb excess oil and cool a bit
7. Pour turkey gravy over top to serve
8. Thank me later.

   

   I assure you, it tastes way better than it looks.

Good times!

Thanksgiving in Retrospect: What We've Learned

     Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. I have to say, the meal was a success. The actual process of cooking the meal was fairly non-tragic. After the dishes have been cleared and the leftovers packed away, I have a few observations.

My Mother Has The Supernatural Ability To Break Major Appliances
I wish I was kidding, but I'm being totally serious. Two years ago she came for Thanksgiving and the furnace stopped working. Last year the dryer broke down. This year? The circulator fan on the freezer gave out. That meant that anything from the middle down froze solid, and everything  from the middle up thawed out and hit room temperature. We ended up running to Menard's and buying a spare refrigerator to save everything that couldn't go into the chest freezer or coolers. At the very least, I now have a beer fridge. I love having my Mom over for Thanksgiving, I just need to start taking out extended warranties on everything.

No Matter How Long You Think You Need To Cook The Turkey, You're Totally Wrong
Did the calculations and figured out the time. Which was wrong. By like an hour. It all worked out. I figured I had to let the turkey rest before I cut it, so I had that thirty minutes to cook all the sides built in. It could have been tragic had I screwed up on the planning.

You can never screw up by adding bacon.

Booze Makes The Whole Process So Much Easier

This was a moderately high stress day. The refrigerator blowing up was something I was totally unprepared for. I managed to get through it by hitting the liquor early. A couple of beers after breakfast and a glass of Scotch and I was back on track. I can not reinforce enough the importance of drinking while cooking. 

Good times!

Middle Class Bartending: Pumpkin Cocktails

     The holiday season is fast approaching, and that can mean only one thing: Heavy Drinking. There is going to be a lot of interaction with all sorts of relatives and friends and booze can make that interaction go smoothly. At the very least you won't remember if it didn't. In honor of the arrival of fall, I present to you two pumpkin themed cocktails that are very popular in my home.

Pumpkin Nog

Ingredients

• 1.5 parts Vanilla Vodka
• .5 parts Pumpkin Schnapps
• 2 parts Pumpkin Liqueur
• Nutmeg (optional)

Directions

1. Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice
2. Shake and drain into an Old Fashioned glass
3. Float a small dusting of ground nutmeg on the surface (optional)

The VanPelt*

Ingredients

• 1 part Vanilla Vodka
• 1 part Pumpkin Schnapps
• Cinnamon (optional)

Directions

1. Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice
2. Shake and drain into a martini glass
3. Float a very small dusting of of cinnamon on the surface (optional)

*I absolutely refuse to tag the suffix "-tini" onto any cocktail. No, I can't tag it on "Martini" because then it would be "Martinitini." If you are drinking some neon drink with a slab of fruit hanging off of it, and a cutesy name and "-tini" slapped on to it, you likely belong to a demographic I do not.

Good times!

Middle aged, single and desperate? That's what I'm talking about!

Good times!

Historically Significant Cranberry Sauce

     The cranberry sauce is a very important part of my family's Thanksgiving meal. The recipe I am about to impart has been a part of our holiday table for as long I can remember. We're talking over forty years of history. It was passed on to my parents by their parents. My parents have passed it on to me. I don't think they gave it to my sister. She doesn't really cook much. I'm pretty sure she still uses her oven for extra shoe storage. Anyway, here it is.

Historically Significant Cranberry Sauce

"It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is inedible 

without it."

-Alistair Cooke

Ingredients:

• 1 14oz. can jellied cranberry sauce

Directions

1. Open can
2. Shake can until contents slide out onto a plate with a satisfying "plop"
3. Lay cylinder of jellied cranberry sauce on side
4. Slice cylinder into 1/2" slices

Good Times!

Hosting Large Parties

    In the last year, I decided it would be a great idea to start hosting large parties at my house. This was largely due to a misplaced sense of laziness. I figured if I hosted the party, I could drink with impunity and didn't have far to go to get to my bed. I completely miscalculated. Hosting a party is a, as a previous student of mine used to refer to it, "metric fuck-ton" of work. Where did I go wrong? After a couple more attempts, I figured out what to do to keep the workload to a minimum but still make sure everyone has a good time.

Don't Try To Do Everything Yourself
This is where I went wrong the first time around. I tried cooking enough for everyone, even though people were bringing food. I made labor intensive stuff, too. Far Breton, pan bangat, pizzas completely from scratch, egg rolls, crab rangoon, hot wings. I lose track. I got it all out and it was a hit, but I was exhausted and it ended up being too much food.

Now I keep the food simple. I stick with what's popular with my group. The triple slow cooker comes out and holds a couple of dips and a warmer for hot wings. I might make a pizza. Maybe do a chili bar. I know everybody who shows is generally bringing something, so now I just cook the favorites. I'm done trying to impress a large group.

Have Room In The Fridge
People are going to bring stuff that needs to be kept cold. With my group, it's usually cases of Bud Light, but there you go.

"I need you to make some space in the fridge."

If you're lucky, it will be cold outside and you can just leave the beer on the patio. If not, have coolers ready to go. You don't want stuff melting all over the counter.

Have Enough Ice

This is hugely important. Even if you have an ice-maker on your fridge, it's not going to be enough. Assume you'll need about a pound of ice per person attending. If there's a blizzard, you can always break icicles off the eaves and throw snow in cups. Just don't run out!

Have Enough Booze

I don't expect people to bring booze to my parties. Maybe beer, because I don't really keep it in the house. For a party, I will have at least a fifth of each of the following: rum (spiced and flavored), vodka (plain and at least one flavored), tequila (silver), bourbon (cheap), gin, and a couple liqueurs (Bols, Campari or something like that). I also make sure I have plenty of mixers. Sodas, vermouth (sweet and dry), grenadine, rose's lime juice, bitters, sour mix, etc. I also have a mini-kegerator that I'll load with a 5L mini-keg of some fun beer (usually Kostrizer or Oberon). 

Be prepared to grab car keys or arrange rides. My house has lots of futons, so I can have people crash there. Be responsible. People don't come back to your events if they get DUIs or die.

Realize No Matter How Much Entertainment You Have, Everybody Is Staying In The Kitchen

I had the poker table ready to go. I had the dartboard ready to go. I had the living and game rooms ready to go. Nobody left the kitchen/dining room. 

The fact that this is our dining room tends to keep people in the area.

I actually like it this way. It keeps the damage to a minimum.  Everybody stays in a big, loud group while they eat and drink. It warms the cockles of my heart. Even the sub-cockle region.

Accept That You're Not Going To Sit Down

This drives my wife batty. I don't sit while I'm entertaining. I'm on the move. I'm keeping platters full and empty plates moving toward the trash. I'm swapping out empty bottles and mixing cocktails. Clean as you go. You want to be able to just go to bed when everyone leaves.  I generally don't sit down until almost everyone has left. Then I sit and the alcohol I've been imbibing all night finally hits and I pass out at the table.

Good times!

Food I Have Trouble With

     I'm a grown man. I should be beyond this sort of stuff. My tastes have matured and I should be able to enjoy the myriad of foods available to me. This is not the case. There are just some foods and ingredients that I can't handle. Sometimes it's the taste, sometimes it's the consistency, sometimes it's childhood scarring.

"Souffles don't rise down here. When you're down here with us, you won't rise too!"

      Here is a small sampling of some of the foods I can't get past:

Blue Cheese

I know I should like this. I LOVE cheese. I have a few problems with blue cheese. For one thing, it's too pungent. Every time I have it in a dish, it tends to overpower everything. I also have a problem with the fact that it's fundamentally moldy cheese. When I see stuff growing on the cheese in my fridge, the first thing to go through my mind is generally not "Oh boy! A gastric delight!" You'd be pissed if somebody threw a piece of fuzzy cheddar on your burger and told you it was supposed to be that way.

Cherry Tomatoes

This is almost embarrassing. When I was like five or six, there was a cherry tomato in my salad. I picked it up with my fingers and bit into it. It squirted me directly in the eye, nearly blinding me. To this day, something like 35 years later, I still can't eat a raw cherry tomato. True story.

Swedish Potato Sausage

My mother-in-law's side of the family is Swedish, and year after year she attempts to inflict these on me. She calls them "potato skorka," but if you do a Google image search, you don't see pictures of sausages. Swedish Potato Sausages are actually called "potatiskorv" which leads me to believe that the Swedes are afraid to say the sausage's true name. Possibly they fear they will summon an angry sausage god that will lay waste to their town.  Nevertheless, these are just horrible. Imagine a bratwurst made of nothing but salt and gristle. Then make it an unappealing shade of beige. 

Potatiskorv knows the gate. Potatiskorv is the gate. Potatiskorv is the key and guardian of the gate.
Past, present, future, all are one in Potatiskorv.
He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. 

Swiss Chard

Tastes like dirt. It doesn't matter what I do with it. I've steamed, blanched, stir-fried, boiled, pickled, baked it in with other things, left it raw. It just tastes like I'm eating chunks of my yard. It's very aesthetically pleasing though, and ends up in the garden more for cosmetic reasons than anything else. 

Whole Mushrooms

If a mushroom is sliced and cooked, I'm fine. If it's a whole mushroom, I can't do it. Even a stuffed mushroom cap. There's something about the consistency. When I bite into a whole mushroom I get this weird feeling that somehow Freud would have something to say about it.

Panettone

Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws to death, but they have some strange tastes. Normally I love Italian food. My father-in-law's side is Italian and they have great food. The desserts are wonderful. Except panettone. Every year these are secreted on my holiday table. I see that cardboard box and just despair. They are the consistency of a kitchen sponge and fairly devoid of notable flavor. They are useful in case of the apocalypse as they have a shelf life that would make a Twinkie envious. We opened one last December and it was largely unchanged into mid-March. 

Good times!