Crab Rangoon Pizza

 I'm not sure where the inspiration came for this one. Probably from the bag of fake crab that had been in the freezer for an uncomfortable amount of time. Apparently, I'm not the first person to come up with this idea, but by the time I had figured that out, it was too late. The recipe was already scrawled on the back on an envelope. The Wife and I were both really surprised how good this was. Even The Spud condescended to take a tiny bite before going back to her crackers and cheese. I can't say the flavor was 100% authentic to a restaurant crab rangoon. You'd probably need to go a little heavier on the cream cheese. I don't recommend that, as it would make the topping way too thick. However! You could do it and just bump up the rest of the ingredients. Then forget about the flatbread as a crust, turn the topping into a dip, and use the bread for dipping. DAMN, I AM A GENIUS. I do recommend hitting it with a little hot sauce or crushed red pepper, it really brings it together. Let me know what you think, as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

Crab Rangoon Pizza
or Dip If You're So Inclined

Ingredients

• 4 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 pound artificial crab meat aka "crabuluxe," roughly chopped (don't even think about using real crab meat here. You know damned well the crab rangoon you're getting from the local place is using the fake stuff)
• 2 green onions, finely sliced
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce 
• (in the event you don't have either of those, you could probably get away with equal amounts of soy sauce or Worcestershire sauce)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 artisan flatbread, 7 ounces (ALDI has them. If you can't get to an ALDI, find something comparable at your local store)
• Optional: sriracha, or hot sauce of your choice. Even crushed red pepper would work

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425F (220C, Gasmark 7)
2. In a bowl, put in everything except the shredded cheese and the flatbread. Mix thoroughly.
3. Place the flatbread on a baking tray. Evenly spread the cream cheese mixture over the bread.
4. Sprinkle the shredded cheeses evenly over the top of the cream cheese mixture.
5. Put in the oven for 10 minutes, or until cheese is completely melted.
6. If you're using optional hot sauce/peppers, throw it on and get to work!

Good Times!

World's Best Ever (FIGHT ME) Deluxe Super Special Pasta Salad (with extra hyperbole!)

We're back from a long hiatus due to the world being a fundamentally nonstop torrent of shit. I won't go into it, but 2022 is shaping up to be one slobberknocker of a shitty year. Last weekend we decided we needed to distract ourselves and spent an entire Saturday in the kitchen. This culinary masterpiece is one of the many things we made. This is made from ingredients you're probably going to have around the house or at the very least, can get easily. The Spanish chorizo might be a small challenge. We have to order ours on Amazon as culinary tastes around here largely center on Natural Light or Horseshoes. That said, this is a Taste Delight and received rave reviews from The Wife. Naturally, the Spud stared in horror and refused to go anywhere near it. As always, notes are in blue.

 World's Best Ever (FIGHT ME)
Deluxe Super Special Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound elbow macaroni
• 1 can garbanzo beans (15.5 ounces), drained and rinsed
• 1 can black olives (6 ounces), drained and sliced
• 1 can diced tomatoes (14.5 ounces), drained
• 1 jar marinated artichoke hearts (12 ounces) (DO NOT DRAIN)
• 1 Spanish chorizo (about 8 ounces), chopped
• 1 small red onion, chopped
• 4 ounces crumbled feta cheese

For the Dressing

• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 1 tablespoon hot sauce (we went with a carrot/habanero sauce)
• 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

1. Cook pasta to al dente. Or according to directions if you don't know what al dente is. Drain the pasta.
2. While the pasta is cooking, in a small bowl, whisk all the dressing ingredients until emulsified (the dressing, not you.)
3. In a HUGE bowl (not kidding here. This makes an alarming amount of pasta salad. You're going to have a hard time tossing it if the bowl isn't big enough.) dump in the pasta. 
4. Dump in everything else (including the dressing) but not the cheese. If you put in the cheese while the pasta is still hot, it's going to break down and you don't want that. 
5. Without sending the pasta salad flying all over the kitchen, carefully mix up the salad so the dressing and artichoke marinate coats everything. 
6. Put the salad in the fridge for an hour or two to let it cool off.
7. Add the cheese and give it one more toss. 

Good Times!