Nutritionally Irresponsible Cooking: The Cooking Mixture

     The first time I had this particular dish, I was camping with some friends in Kentucky. We were wrapping up a long day of doing whatever it is we were doing. I remember shotguns and building a barn door. The rest is kind of hazy. Anyway, we were tired and hungry. When the subject of dinner came up, some one suggested "The Cooking Mixture." The rest of the group nodded sagely at this suggestion. I had no idea what the Hell they babbling about. I just sort of shrugged and gave a weak OK. I just wanted to eat.
     A backpack was brought out and from that backpack came an assortment of cans. A cooking pot was located and set upon a small propane stove. Cans were opened and dumped in. A block of Spam was diced and added. Vienna Sausages might have been put in. The whole concoction was set to bubble. A large bag of Fritos was opened and dumped in. Finally, with some ceremony, a bottle of Tabasco sauce was brought out. I estimate about half of it was shaken into the mixture. We ate every last bit. I'm sure this is a direct cause of my low-grade high blood pressure.
     There is no doubt the Cooking Mixture was delicious. It was however, Horrifyingly Unhealthy. The amount of sodium and fat in this dish has to be off the scale. I'm honestly afraid to calculate it. We speculate that the dish is actually healthy due to convoluted logic. We figure that the sodium pushes our blood pressure so high that the fat never has a chance to settle and cause blockages. Granted, if our blood pressure should ever drop, our arteries would immediately harden solid and we'd drop dead on the spot.

QUICK! QUICK! GET ME SOME MORE COO....

        This is one of those recipes that changes depending on who is cooking it at the time. The version I'm showing you today is not exactly how it was the first time I ate it. Why is that? Simple, you're not supposed to remember. It's a fluid recipe, much like my chili. The base remains the same (pork and beans) but pretty much everything else is up for grabs. Throw in some chopped up Slim Jims. How about a bag of Beer Nuts? The sky's the limit!

Ingredients

• 1 can, 15 ounce Beefaroni
• 1 can, 12 ounce Spam, diced
• 1 can, 15 ounce pork and beans or baked beans
• 1 bag,10.5 ounce chili cheese Fritos
• Tabasco sauce

Directions

1. Open cans and deposit into cooking receptacle
2. Apply heat until bubbly (the ingredients, not you)
3. When bubbly, pour in the bag of Fritos and Tabasco sauce to taste (don't be a wuss, put in half a bottle)
4. Serve with copious amounts of cheap, evil-smelling beer.

Good times!

Nutritionally Irresponsible Cooking: Breakfast Pizza

     I mentioned on Facebook the other day that I am a huge fan of the breakfast pizza from Casey's General Store. It's basically a pizza crust with egg, cheese and meat. It is heavy and greasy and undeniably awesome. Those who try it for the first time are almost always blown away and wonder how they lived life this far without one.

     The main issue I have with Casey's breakfast pizzas is that they are only available in the morning. If I sleep in too late, I miss the window to get one. I took it upon myself to replicate the recipe. The wife claims it is just as good, if not better.

Nutritionally Irresponsible Breakfast Pizza

Ingredients

• 1 7.5 oz. tube buttermilk biscuit dough
• 4 medium eggs
• 2T water
• 2T butter/margarine
• 1/2lb breakfast sausage (I used maple)
• 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F
2. Lightly grease pizza stone/pan
3. Knead biscuit dough into a ball. Roll out to about 10-12" diameter and place on stone/pan
4. Whisk eggs and water in a small bowl. Melt butter in a skillet on medium heat. Cook eggs on medium heat, pushing them around with a spatula to break them into a loose scramble. When eggs are still just a touch runny, remove from heat.
5. Spread eggs over pizza crust.
6. Cook sausage according to directions on package. Drain excess grease. Sprinkle over the eggs.
7. Sprinkle cheeses evenly across pizza.
8. Cook pizza for about 20-25 minutes or until crust starts to get golden and cheese melts.

The entire pizza is about 1800 calories. We cut ours into quarters, so 450 calories per serving. It's probably for the best that we not talk about fat and sodium content here.

Good times!

Nutritionally Irresponsible Cooking: The ALDI Fishwich

     Once again I delve back into my apartment days for another horrifyingly irresponsible meal that was served with alarming regularity. The wife and I knew it was bad. It couldn't be anything but. However, we loved it. It was hot, crunchy, cheesy and decadent. It was the ALDI fish sub. Cobbled together entirely from items available at ALDI, the Fishwich was truly a force to be reckoned with. It's no Burger King Whaler (people under the age of 20 have no idea what I'm talking about), but it was a gastric bludgeon.

Am I the only one who still misses these?

     We stopped serving these about five years ago after an unfortunate incident where I did not cook the fish quite long enough. The aftermath is still something we don't like to talk about. Suffice it to say we challenged the plumbing that night.

Good times!

Ingredients

• 1 loaf garlic bread
• 4 frozen breaded fish fillets
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 2-4 tablespoons tartar sauce (depending on how much you like)

Directions:

1. Cook fish fillets according to package directions
2. Put cheese on open garlic bread and cook according to package directions
3. Put fish on cheesy garlic bread
4. Slather with tartar sauce
5. Eat and get wretchedly ill

Nutritional Information (Approximate if you eat the whole sub):
Calories: 2290
Fat: 122.17g
Sodium: 4554 mg

Nutritionally Irresponsible Cooking: Fauxganoff

     When I lived in my first apartment, my culinary concerns were more focused on simply filling my belly. My cooking was fairly limited. Ramen, pasta, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. Mostly this was due to the fact that I was counting every penny. Sometimes I got creative. Things didn't always go well, but there was the occasional success.  One of the less offensive dishes the wife and I regularly ate was something we called "Fauxganoff."

     It's pretty much what you think it is. I cobbled together a mock Beef Stroganoff from stuff I bought at ALDI. That stuff did not include fresh ingredients. This was put together from prepackaged and canned foods. I'm working from memory here, but the recipe went something like this:

Ingredients

• 1 can Roast Beef with Gravy
• 1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup
• 1 cup grated Parmesan Cheese
• 1 pound egg noodles

Directions

1. Open cans and pour contents into saucepan.
2. Add cheese
3. Bring to a simmer
4. Boil noodles and drain
5. Put noodles in saucepan and stir

     What's truly irresponsible about this meal is the level of salt you're going subject yourself to. 

If only, but no.

     A can of the beef has something like 2000mg of sodium. If you didn't have high blood pressure before, you will. If you already did have high blood pressure, this is liable to kill you outright. But man, was it good.