Ultimate Peanut Butter & Jelly Zucchini Cake

Sometimes I get strange ideas in the kitchen. Like, I recently made some zucchini cookies and thought it might be a good idea to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with them. As The Wife and I were eating them, I mentioned how good they were and how hilarious it would be to make a gigantic cake version. So we did. And it was a colossal P.I.T.A., but totally worth it. There's a lot of play in this recipe. If you hate raisins, leave them out. Use dried cranberries. Throw chocolate chips in the batter. Use creamy instead of crunchy. Use apple butter instead of jelly. Throw in a layer of bologna slices (don't do that). Most importantly: GREASE THE BAKING PANS REALLY WELL OR THE CAKE WILL SELF DESTRUCT WHEN YOU GO TO REMOVE IT. If you're truly worried about the cake assembly. just use the batter to make about 5,000 cookies. (Cook at same temp, but about 10-12 minutes for cookies). Just remember the most important thing, if you hate it, I don't want to know. As always, notes are in blue.

ULTIMATE PBJ ZUCCHINI CAKE

Ingredients

• 2 eggs, beaten
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup applesauce
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 2 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
• 2-1/2 cups rolled oats
• 2 cups grated zucchini
• 1 cup raisins
• 1 cup crunchy peanut butter
• 1/2 pint jelly of your choice (we used a homemade cinnamon apple. Obviously, don't use KY or petroleum)
• Frosting or icing (optional, but at this point, why not?)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F (190C, Gasmark 5)
2. In a large bowl, combine eggs, oil, applesauce, and the sugars. 
3. In another large bowl, combine the baking soda, salt and spices, and oats.
4. Dump the bowl of dry ingredients into the bowl of the wet and mix to combine. (I hope you've got some form of electric mixer or highly muscular arms, because you're in for some work.) 
5. Add the zucchini and raisins and keep mixing.
6. Grease two 9"x13" baking dishes.
   
7. Divide the batter evenly between the two dishes.
8. Bake at 375 F for 30 minutes. If you have the baking dishes on two different racks, rotate the racks at 15 minutes. After 30 minutes, if a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean, you're done. If not, rotate the pans and give it another 5 minutes, repeating until finally done.
9. Remove from oven and let cool for about 15 minutes in the pans.
10. Take a knife or spatula and run it around the edge of each cake to loosen it.
11. BONUS FUN ROUND. You have a couple of options here. If you have a big enough spatula, you can attempt to take the entire cake out at once and transfer it to a wire rack to cool at bit.
    If you lack a steady hand or the equipment to remove the cakes all at once, do this:
    Take a wire cooling rack (you'll need two) and put it over the top of one of the baking pans. Flip it over and pray to the cosmic force of your choice that the cake drops out intact. Do the same with the other cake.
12. THIS STEP IS TOTALLY OPTIONAL AND COSMETIC. (If  you managed to slide your cakes out of the pan without flipping them, congratulations, move to step 13. If you flipped them to get them out and you're a stickler for appearance, you have some extra work and will keep going with this step). Using the same method, flip the cakes back over so it looks like it did in the baking dish. (Ideally, you want the rough top side facing up)

    

    This is what I'm talking about. 
    Ideally, you want both cakes arranged like this.

    
    
13. Take the peanut butter and spread half of it on each cake. It helps if the peanut butter is room temperature, for easier spreading.
14. Spread the jelly on ONE of the cakes. 

    

    Get ready, because the next step is stressful.

    
    
15. Flip the cake with just the peanut butter over on top of the other cake. Now you have the following stack: Cake bottom, layer of peanut butter, layer of jelly, layer of peanut butter, top cake layer.

    

    Thanks to the steady hands of The Wife, 
    this occurred with no screaming other than those of triumph.

    
    
16. GET THE CAKE INTO THE FRIDGE RIGHT THE HELL NOW. If the cakes are even a little bit warm, the peanut butter and jelly will start to break down and leak out. Refrigerate for at least an hour.
17. Once the filling is set, you have the option to ice it. We used some orange icing we had leftover from another recipe. Frosting/Icing this behemoth might be gilding the lily at this point, but you've come this far. Go big or go home.

NOW I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS.
Good Times!

Fruity Marshmallow Cereal Bars

Ah, the Rice Krispie treat. One of the true classics of snacking. It was one of the first things we learned to make in Home Ec. back in middle school. It is such a simple recipe. As such, it begs to be messed with. Different cereals, bonus mix-ins, perhaps some toppings? Anything goes and usually works. This particular iteration came about due to the fact that I had a bag and a half of fruit flavored marshmallows slowly congealing in my pantry. I also had a half a box of Froot Loops looking for a home. I also had a HUGE back of shredded, sweetened coconut that I bought for reasons that have now escaped me. I combined them all and came up with a gem. These things are colorful and sweet as hell, but the fruit flavor and addition of coconut level things out a bit. If you don't like coconut, leave it out. I'll never know.  However, you'll still end up with a slightly different take on a classic snack. Let me know what you think as long as it's positive. As always, notes are in blue.

Fruity Marshmallow Cereal Bars

Ingredients

• 5 cups fruit flavored mini marshmallows (Kraft makes these, as do a couple other companies. They should be available at most grocery stores or online)
• 5 cups Froot Loops cereal (feel free to try this with other fruit flavored cereals, like Fruity Pebbles or Oops, All Berries.)
• 5 tablespoons butter
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup shredded sweetened coconut

Directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, stir together cereal and coconut.
2. Line a baking sheet with parchment and grease the parchment. 
3. In a double boiler, at the butter and let it melt. Once the butter is melted, add the salt.
4. Add in the marshmallows one cup at a time, allowing them to completely melt.
5. Once the marshmallows are all melted, pour them into the mixing bowl and stir to get all the cereal and coconut evenly mixed into the marshmallow.
6. Pour out the mixture onto the baking sheet and level evenly. (we leveled ours to about 1" thick)
7. Allow to cool for a few hours, ideally in the refrigerator. 
8. Cut them into the shape of your choice and eat!

Gööd Times!

Orange Whip Pie

     I think everybody has a few boxes of Jell-O that have been sitting in their cabinet for untold years. In my case, it was orange flavored. I don't even like orange Jell-O. I don't know how it got there. Fortunately, I found a recipe that used it! This recipe is phenomenally easy and quite tasty. I've made a few modifications, the most notable is the use of a pie crust in the pie mix. This is because I'm cack-handed and managed to bust the first crust while loading it with filling. I just dumped everything back in the bowl and crushed up the crust in it. I feel it added a nice bit of texture to the filling! I also give the option of adding some booze to make it more true to the beverage for which it's named. If you're interested here's a bonus recipe:

Orange Whip
- 4 ounces orange juice

- 1 ounce rum

- 1 ounce vodka

- 2 ounces cream

Blend with immersion blender until thick and frothy. Serve over ice in a Collins glass

     This recipe is also flexible if you don't like orange. You could easily leave out all the orange stuff and swap in cherry Jell-O and maybe use a bit of vanilla extract. Anyways, I served it and it was a hit with all three people (The Wife, The Mother-in-Law and The Spud) who tried it. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Orange Whip Pie
adapted from Velvety Orange Gelatin Pie (which is a terrible name)
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 1 package (.3 ounce orange gelatin)
• 1/2 cup boiling water
• 1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
• 1 cup lo-fat sour cream
• 3 tablespoons fresh grated orange peel (too lazy to grate oranges. I used 2 teaspoons dried orange peel)
• 1 8-ounce carton whipped topping (you know, Cool-Whip)
• 1/4 teaspoon orange extract
• 1 nine inch graham cracker pie crust (just go and buy one. They're like a dollar)
• another 9" pie crust, or 6-8 decent sized graham crackers, crushed. 
• If you're feeling adventurous and want the true Orange Whip experience:
  1 ounce vodka
  1 ounce rum
  If you use booze, use a little less water

Directions

1. In a large bowl, dissolve gelatin in boiling water. 
2. Stir in milk, sour cream, orange peel (and the booze if you're using it)
3. Fold in whipped topping (and the crushed graham cracker if you're doing it my way. The Right way)
4. Spoon into crust. Cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours.

Good Times!

Slow Cooker Rice Pudding

     I've been cooking some pretty unsightly food of late. This particular recipe is no exception. Granted, rice pudding isn't much to look at even on a good day, so I've got that going for me. I have always been a huge fan of rice pudding, and once I made some changes, it was exactly how I remembered it as a kid. If you've got a rice cooker, this recipe is super easy. Cook the rice, mix in the other ingredients, and done. I'm pleased with the addition of sweetened condensed milk. I think without it, this would not have been sweet enough and we would have had vaguely coconut flavored mushy rice. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Rice Pudding
via Slow Cooker Magic in Minutes

Ingredients

• 2 cups water 
• 1 cup long grain rice
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
• pinch of salt
• (if you're using a rice cooker, you only need one cup of water and one cup of rice. You can omit the butter and salt)
• 18 ounces of evaporated milk (we only had 12 ounce cans, so we used one of those)
• 14 ounces cream of coconut (nope. We used a 14 ounce can of coconut milk instead)
• 1/2 can (7 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
• 1/2 cup golden raisins (you can also use regular old raisins. Nobody will notice or care)
• 3 egg yolks, beaten
• peel of 2 limes (omitted, we used 1 tablespoon of Rose's Lime Juice)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• toasted shredded coconut (optional) 

Directions

1. Place water, rice, butter and salt in medium saucepan. Bring to rolling boil over high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low. Cover and cook 10 -12 minutes. Remove from heat. Cover and let stand five minutes.
   (I just pissed this step off entirely. I ignored the butter and salt and just threw 1 cup each of rice and water into my rice cooker and wandered off for 20 minutes)
2. Spray slow cooker with nonstick cooking spray. Add milk, coconut liquid of choice, raisins, egg yolks, lime and vanilla. Mix. Throw in the rice and mix it all together.
3. Cover and cook on LOW 4 hours. Stir every 30 minutes (it's not the end of the world if you can't. You just may get a couple crunchy spots at the bottom)

Good times!

Apple Gingerbread

     Let's get this straight. Calling this recipe "bread" is not accurate. This is leaning well into "cake" territory. Especially because I decided to frost it. Everything is better with frosting. EVERYTHING. New York strip steak? Slap a layer of buttercream frosting on that bastard. Trust me on this. As for this recipe, it is dense and moist (I really hate that word since it can also describe my underwear after a day of yardwork) and delicious (unlike my underwear after a day of yardwork). As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Apple Gingerbread
(via Taste of Home EveryDay Light Meals)

Ingredients

• 2/3 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce (we used our own homemade sweetened applesauce made with brown sugar whisky)
• 1 egg
• 3 tablespoons molasses
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
• 2 teaspoons ground ginger 
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/2 cup reduced-fat plain yogurt (none on hand, we used sour cream)
• 1-1/2 cups chopped peeled Granny Smith or other tart apples (we used an equal amount of our home-made Spiked Apples)
• 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons reduced-fat whipped topping (omitted)
• 1 can store-bought buttercream frosting. HELL YEAH.

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, combine the sugar, applesauce, egg and molasses; mix well. 
2. Combine the flours, ginger, baking powder, baking soda and spices; add to the molasses mixture alternately with yogurt (sour cream), beating until just combined (because I'm lazy, I just put all the dry ingredients in the bowl for my KitchenAid, put all the wet ingredients in another bowl, then poured the wet ingredients in while the mixer was running). Fold in the apples.
3. Pour into an 8-inch square baking dish coated with nonstick cooking spray (I used a round dish just to be difficult). Bake at 350F (180C, Gasmark4) for 30-35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean (ours took about an hour. I think it may be due to the extra liquid in our canned apples.)
4. Cool on a wire rack, Cut into squares, top with a dollop of whipped topping (feeling exceptionally lazy, I took a can of buttercream frosting and frosted the entire thing like a cake. Next time I think I'll make some cream cheese frosting for it!)

Good times!

Slow Cooker Apples in Bourbon Custard

    Holy Shit. I'm not one to normally go nuts about something that came out of a slow cooker, but I can say without fear of contradiction that this is the best thing outside of my chili to ever come out of a slow cooker. I just threw this together completely on a goof and magic happened. Seriously, once you have this, you'll forsake all other slow cooker desserts. We're talking eyes in the back of the head, open mouth groaning kind of good. Unless you don't like apples. Then you're shit out of luck. As always, notes are in blue.

Slow Cooker Apples in Bourbon Custard

Ingredients

• 6 small-medium apples, spiral cut and cored (you'll need one of those apple corer/peeler/slicer things or you're in for more work than you want)

  

  This thing. You can find them on Amazon for under $20, or at Pampered Chef for $1,200.

• 1/2 cup chopped nuts (we used pecans, but I imagine walnuts or cashews would be delightful)
• 1/2 cup sultanas (that's fancy-talk for gold raisins)
• 1 14-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk
• 1/4 cup Benchmark Brown Sugar Liquor (if you don't want the booze, just use an equal amount of brown sugar. If you can't find Benchmark, you can mix about 2 tablespoons brown sugar with 1/4 cup bourbon for roughly the same effect)
• 1/8 cup honey
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon

Directions

1. If you haven't already done so, run your apples through that apple corer/peeler/slicer thing. Do your best to get the apple off the spindle whole. You will be scored on artistic merit.
2. Spray a slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray. Place the apples in a single layer on the bottom (we were able to barely fit 6 apples in a 2.5 quart cooker)
3. Mix the chopped nuts and raisins. Fill the middle of each apple where you removed the core. 
4. In a medium bowl (you can use a large bowl if you'd like. I wouldn't recommend using a small bowl unless you like making a mess), mix sweetened condensed milk, honey, bourbon and cinnamon. Pour mixture evenly over the apples. 
5. Cook on LOW for 3 hours or until apples start to get tender and liquid takes on a custard-like consistency. 

Good times!

Too Damned Easy Elvis Pie

     Sometimes I get a bit reckless in the kitchen and just start throwing things together. This pie is a prime example. We had a jar of marshmallow cream sitting in the cabinet that had mocked us for far too long. I took it and a couple other ingredients and came up with a damned fine dessert. It got its name due to the fact that it features peanut butter and bananas (sort of. It's banana cream. I would have certainly added banana slices if I had any on hand). I figure you can't go wrong with an Elvis themed dessert.

Too Damned Easy
Elvis Pie

Ingredients

• 1 9" graham cracker pie crust
• 1 can (21 ounce) banana creme pie filling (a lot of people have expressed difficulty in locating this. If you can't find it, make a batch of instant vanilla pudding and cut up a banana or two into it)
• 4 tablespoons marshmallow cream (marshmallow fluff, whatever it is you call it)
• 4 tablespoons creamy peanut butter (make sure the peanut butter is at room temperature or you're going to have a hell of a time trying to spread it over the marshmallow)
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Directions

1. Spread a layer of marshmallow cream on the bottom of the pie crust (not the underside or you're in for a lot of disappointment). You're looking for a layer a little over 1/8" thick.
2. Spread a layer of peanut butter over the marshmallow. It should be the same thickness as the marshmallow layer.
3. Dump the can of banana cream pie filling on top and spread it evenly over the peanut butter layer.
4. Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the top.
5. Set in the freezer for about an hour for it to set up.

Yes, I know this is Bruce Campbell, but he makes an excellent Elvis.
Good times!

Pumpkin Pie Pudding

     I'm sure if you checked your cabinets right now, you would find a can of pumpkin lurking about. Go ahead and check. I'll wait.

     You found one, didn't you? If not, you just didn't look hard enough. I assure you, it's in there. The point of this exercise is to find that can and be rid of it in the simplest way possible that doesn't involve just throwing it in the trash. With a couple more ingredients, you can chuck it all in the slow cooker and have pumpkin pie pudding! All right, it's not really that exciting, but it does taste exactly like the filling of a pumpkin pie. This shouldn't be a shocker because if you check the ingredients, that's basically what you have thrown in the slow cooker. Stop complaining and cover it with whipped cream. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Pumpkin Pie Pudding
via Fix It and Forget It Lightly

Ingredients

• 15-ounce can pumpkin
• 12-ounce can evaporated skim milk (just used regular evaporated milk. I can't stand skim)
• 3/4 cup Splenda (calories or tumors...hmm. I went with 3/4 cup granulated sugar instead)
• 1/2 cup low-fat buttermilk baking mix (didn't have the low-fat variety. Just used regular buttermilk mix)
• 2 eggs, beaten or 6 egg whites (I don't feel like storing a half dozen egg yolks and I'm certainly just not going to shitcan them. I went with the 2 egg option)
• 2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest (I was feeling lazy and didn't want to zest a lemon that I actually had on hand. I used dried lemon peel from a jar instead)

Directions

1. Spray slow-cooker with non-stick cooking spray (this inside)
2. Combine all ingredients in slow cooker. Stir until lumps disappear.
3. Cover. Cook on LOW 3 hours.
4. Serve warm or cold.

Good times!

Flaugnarde with Pears

     Every now and then I like to dabble in food that is bordering on pretentious. Not surprisingly, that food is usually French (ZING! I just lost my French fans). Usually one of the more reliable sources for pretentious food is Food & Wine Magazine. I skimmed a few issues and found this recipe for Flaugnarde. If you're curious, it's pronounced "flow-nyard," not "flawg-nahrd." My pronunciation sounds more Nordic. This is certainly not a Nordic dessert, otherwise it would feature some form of whitefish (ZING! There go my Nordic fans).  While this recipe is not particularly labor intensive, it is time intensive, taking around four hours from start to finish. It's actually worth it. The end result is very much like a Dutch Baby (the pancake, not an actual Dutch baby). As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Flaugnarde with Pears
via Food & Wine

Ingredients

• 3 large eggs
• 3/4 cup cake flour (I use all-purpose flour when I make cakes, so I imagine it's the same as "cake flour." Don't bother explaining any difference. I already used the all-purpose)
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour (I used "donut flour" here. I'm kidding. I still used all-purpose)
• Pinch of salt
• 1 cup warm milk
• 1 tablespoon dark rum (don't think for a minute that I didn't fix myself a cocktail while the bottle was open)
• 3 tablespoons superfine sugar
• 2 ripe medium Bartlett pears— peeled, cored and thinly sliced (no fresh pears on hand. I used 2 cups of pears I canned in bourbon syrup the season before. You can never go wrong with more booze)

Directions

1. In a medium bowl, whisk together the eggs, cake and all-purpose flours, salt and 1/4 cup of the milk until smooth. Whisk in the remaining 3/4 cup of milk, the rum and 1 1/2 tablespoons of the sugar. Cover with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 3 hours (3 hours to kill and an open bottle of rum sitting right there...

   

   ...and why am I laying on the kitchen floor?

2. Preheat the oven to 450° (230C, Gasmark 8) and coat a deep 9-inch cake pan with half of the butter. Pour the batter into the pan and arrange the pear slices on top. Dot with the remaining butter and bake in the lower third of the oven for 15 minutes. Reduce the oven temperature to 400° (200C, Gasmark 6) and bake for 30 minutes longer, or until the flaugnarde is puffed and deeply golden (this actually cooked according to the time on the recipe, but your time may vary) Let cool for 2 minutes, then sprinkle (use a sifter unless you like the big clumps I ended up with) with the remaining 1 1/2 tablespoons of sugar and serve.

Good times!

Lemon Bars

     I never quite understood the excitement over lemon bars. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy a good lemon bar. It's just that people seem to go nuts over them. If there's lemon bars on the table in the break room, people just go batshit insane like somebody is in there giving away gold ingots.

HOLY SHIT, LEMON BARS!

     Anyways, The Wife had a hankering for lemon bars, and I happened to find a recipe from Allrecipes in a magazine. As luck would have it, I had all the ingredients on hand. I just neglected to use them all. As I mention in the recipe, I'm pretty sure I forgot some flour. What I got was more like lemon curd on a crust. Don't get me wrong, it was pretty good. The addition of some lemon extract gave it a little extra zing. The Wife certainly liked it. She's been sneaking to the fridge and cutting off pieces at every opportunity. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Lemon Bars
via Allrecipes

Ingredients

• 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, plus extra for dusting
• 1 cup butter, softened
• 4 eggs
• 1-1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon lemon zest
• 1 teaspoon lemon extract

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F
2. Mix 2 cups of flour and confectioners' sugar together. Cut in the butter. Mix well until the dough resembles pie crust consistency (no clue as to what that is supposed to look like. It was crumbly). Press the dough into a 9"x13" baking pan.
3. Bake 15-20 minutes or until golden brown (we ended up cooking this about 25 minutes).
4. Beat together eggs, sugar, 4 tablespoons flour (in retrospect, I'm fairly sure I totally forgot to add the flour here. It looked and tasted fine and nobody died. No harm, no foul), lemon rind and lemon extract for at least 1 minute. Pour the mixture over the baked crust.
5. Bake the bars another 20 minutes or until the lemon topping has set (we went closer to 25 minutes). Dust with confectioners' sugar after the bars have cooled. 

Good times!

Cranberry Cheese Danish

     I'm not sure what compelled me to try out this recipe. A quick look will tell you this recipe is going to be a Pain In The Ass. However, my love for Danish trumps my laziness. I decided to give this recipe a go. It originally called for blueberries, which I did not have on hand. I wound up using some cranberries we had in the freezer. You could certainly use raspberries or blackberries. The end result will be well worth it. This is a great bit of pastry. The cranberries complemented the lemon icing perfectly. It was everything I could do to keep the wife from just standing at the counter and eating the whole thing at once. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Cranberry Cheese Danish
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup 1% cottage cheese (there's no telling what the other 99% is)
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup 1% milk (I used 2% just to be difficult)
• 1/4 cup canola oil (I used corn oil)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

Filling

• 4 ounces reduced-fat cream cheese (as always, I used Neufchatel)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 egg, separated 
• 1 teaspoon grated lemon peel (I'm assuming they meant fresh. I didn't have fresh. I used 1/2 teaspoon dried lemon peel from a jar)
• 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries (we substituted cranberries we inexplicably stashed in the freezer some time back)
• 1 tablespoon water

Glaze

• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
• 2 teaspoons lemon juice (that is NOT enough liquid to do anything other than give you a chewy ball of sugar. It took us 4 teaspoons of lemon juice to get the sugar into a usable consistency. The extra lemon flavor worked great with the cranberries, too. This goes to prove that I'm a friggin' genius)

Directions

1. In a blender or food processor, cover and process cottage cheese until smooth (did I just really get told to put the lid on the blender or food processor before running? I can't even turn the damned processor on with the lid off! Do they think I'm stupid? Do they think I'm going to say, "Holy shit! I think I'll run the blender with the lid off!" *BLAM!* "Fucking A! Look at the the cottage cheese on the ceiling! That's great!") Add sugar milk, oil and vanilla; process until smooth (Wait! They didn't tell me to take the lid back off! How the hell am I going to get the rest of the shit in there?)
2.  Combine the flour, baking powder and salt; add to cheese mixture. Process until dough forms a ball (I was leery about doing this in the processor. I transferred it all to the Kitchenaid). Dough will be sticky. Turn onto a floured surface; knead 4-5 times. Place in a bowl; cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes.
3. In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add egg yolk, lemon peel and vanilla; mix well. 
4. Turn dough out onto a 17"x13" piece of parchment paper. Roll dough into a 16"x12" rectangle. Transfer with paper to a baking sheet. Spread cream cheese mixture lengthwise in a 3-1/2" wide strip down the center of the dough; sprinkle with berries. 

   

   Looking berry good! I'm not apologizing for that pun.

5. On each long side, cut 1" wide strips about 3-3/4" into center. Fold alternating strips at an angle across berries. Pinch ends to seal and tuck under (I tucked on the top just to be an asshole). Beat egg white and water; brush over dough.
6. Bake at 400F for 20-22 minutes or until golden brown (we went about 25 minutes. Cooking times may vary). Remove to a wire rack.
7. Combine glaze ingredients; drizzle over warm pastry. Refrigerate leftovers.

Good times!

Slow Cooker Caramel Apple Pie Bread Pudding

     Bread pudding is one of those desserts that I love, but almost never make. Generally, I'll make a bread pudding one time during the holidays and then just pine away for it the rest of the year. I'm not sure why that is. Bread pudding is not particularly difficult to make. It will have to remain a mystery. I made this one because I had an empty slot in my 3 station slow cooker. I also had a loaf of Caramel Apple bread and nothing to do with it. I just changed up a recipe from Gooseberry Patch Super Fast Slow Cooking. It took WAY longer to cook than the recipe said, but ended up being a fine dessert. As always, any changes or notes are in blue.

Caramel Apple Pie Bread Pudding
via Gooseberry Patch Super Fast Slow Cooking

Ingredients

• 3 eggs, beaten
• 2 cups milk
• 1/2 cup sugar (we used 1/4 cup white sugar, 1/4 cup brown)
• 21 ounce can apple pie filling (we used a sugar-free pie filling)
• 6-1/2 cups cinnamon-raisin bread, cubed (no cinnamon-raisin bread on hand. Went with a one pound loaf of Pepperidge Farms Caramel Apple Bread)
• Optional: Whipped Cream (omitted)

Directions

1. In a large bowl, whisk together eggs, milk and sugar. 
2. Gently stir in pie filling and bread cubes; pour mixture into lightly greased slow cooker.
3. Cover and cook on LOW setting for 3 hours, until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean (calling bullshit on this step. We went for three hours on LOW, then over another hour on HIGH, and that damned knife never came out clean. I just gave up and called it done)
4. Let stand, uncovered, 30-45 minutes to cook slightly before serving. 

Good times!

Far Breton

     Every now and then it's fun to put together a recipe that really looks like it took a ton of work. This dessert from Pol Martin's Supreme Cuisine is one of those recipes. This is a really fancy looking baked custard that has never failed to impress every time I've served it. The thing is, Far Breton is super easy to make. If you have a Kitchenaid or electric mixer, it's almost embarassingly easy. I've even managed to buy a sifter so the dusting of sugar doesn't look like absolute shit anymore! As always, notes or changes are in blue.

Far Breton
via Pol Martin's Supreme Cuisine

Ingredients

• 4 large eggs
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup all purpose flour
• 3 tablespoons rum
• 1/4 cup marmalade
• 1/2 cup sultana raisins (those of us that don't poop money call sultanas "golden raisins")
• 2 cups milk
• Pinch salt
• Icing sugar (I hope that confectioner's sugar is the same thing, because that's what I used)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Butter a baking dish (about 12"x8"x2") 
2. Place eggs and sugar in bowl; beat together. Add flour and salt; beat to incorporate.
3. Add rum (make sure to have a little rum yourself. You know, for quality assurance), marmalade and raisins; beat well. Pour in milk and beat to incorporate.
4. Pour batter into baking dish and bake 50-55 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool in baking dish and serve cold. 
5. Cut into squares and sprinkle with icing sugar (use some form of sifter or it will end up looking like mine. That's what happens when you just grab a fistful and throw it). Serve with maple syrup, if desired (We desired it)

Good times!

Chocolate Concoction

     Slow-cooker cook books often have recipes that are a bit sketchy health-wise. Often they are packed with sodium to the point of causing a cardiac event at the dinner table. Every now and then you come across a slow-cooker cook book that is full of hilariously unhealthy recipes. Gooseberry Patch Super Fast Slow Cooking is one of those books. Recipe after recipe is absolutely packed with salt and sugar. I love this book. Most of the meals will cause me to gain 4-7 pounds in water from a single meal. While this recipe is not packed with sodium, it is a fat and sugar bomb. If you're counting calories, you'll need a scientific calculator for this one. It is phenomenally rich; we can only eat about three forkfuls before we need a drink of water to move it along. As always, any notes and changes are in blue.

Chocolate Concoction
via Gooseberry Patch Super Fast Slow Cooking

Ingredients

• 1 box 18.25 ounce devil's food cake mix
• 16 ounce container sour cream (we tried to mitigate the damage of this dessert by using low fat sour cream)
• 3.9 ounce package instant chocolate pudding mix (more damage control here by using sugar-free pudding mix)
• 1-1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 4 eggs, beaten
• 1 cup water
• Optional: French vanilla ice cream (if you're having ice cream with this, you might as well just go ahead and stab yourself in the pancreas)

Directions

1. Beat all ingredients (except ice cream, if using) until smooth.
2. Pour into a slow cooker that has been sprayed with non-stick vegetable spray.
3. Cover and cook on LOW for 6-8 hours
4. Serve with ice cream if you really hate yourself.

Good times!

Marbled Chocolate Cheesecake Bars

     It's been a while since I've dug into my trusty copy of Taste of Home Every Day Light Meals for something other than a bread recipe. This particular dessert was very rich, closing in on a touch heavy. Don't get me wrong, it was damned good. Just have a glass of milk or bourbon or something to help it on its way. The recipe called for egg whites, but I wasn't feeling that and just used whole eggs. It seemed to work out fine. As always, any changes or notes are in blue.

Marbled Chocolate Cheesecake Bars
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup water
• 1/3 cup butter
• 1-1/2 squares (1-1/2 ounces) unsweetened chocolate (we used 2 ounces because I didn't feel like breaking the piece in half. I'm lazy like that)
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1-1/2 cups packed brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 egg
• 1 egg white (I didn't really want a bunch of leftover yolks, I just omitted this)
• 1/2 cup reduced fat sour cream (we used Greek yogurt)

Cream cheese mixture:

• 1 package (8 ounces) reduced fat cream cheese (as always, we went with Neufchatel)
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1 egg white (didn't feel like separating eggs, we just used another entire egg)
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup (6 ounces) miniature semi-sweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. In a small saucepan, combine water, butter and chocolate. Cook and stir over low heat until melted; stir until smooth. Allow to cool.
2. In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, brown sugar, baking soda and salt. Add egg, egg white (if using) and sour cream. Beat on low speed until just combined (I used the Kitchenaid, any electric mixer will do. You can do it by hand if you're feeling particularly industrious). Stir in chocolate mixture until smooth.
3. In another mixing bowl, beat cream cheese, sugar, egg white (or just egg if you're hardcore like me) and vanilla; set aside.
4. Spread chocolate batter into a 15"x10"x1" baking pan coated with non-stick cooking spray. Drop the cream cheese mixture by tablespoonfuls (that doesn't sound right. Tablespoonsful? This is going to bother me) over batter. Cut through batter with a knife to swirl (Protip: read the recipe all the way through. I generally do not. Which is why I ended with a nice layer of cream cheese right across the top of the cake. It still tasted good, though). Sprinkle with chocolate chips.
5. Bake at 375F for 20-25 minutes (we went 25 minutes) or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack.

Good times!

Tiramisu Parfaits

     I really need to start posting more dessert recipes. Dessert is the final challenge of the meal! For my father-in-law's birthday, the wife and I cooked him Italian pinwheel rolls, linguine with white clam sauce, escalope of chicken, and zucchini boats. He made a herculean effort to get through dinner, finishing off a big helping of everything. Then came dessert. Like a champ, he powered through it, leaving nothing but a napkin stuffed into the glass. It's subtle signs like that which let you know a recipe is a good one! This particular recipe is another winner from Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Tiramisu Parfaits
via Taste of Home Everyday Light Meals

Ingredients

• 4-1/2 teaspoons instant coffee granules
• 1/3 cup boiling water
• 2 cups cold fat-free milk (2% for me, same as always)
• 2 packages (1 ounce each) sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix
• 4 ounces fat-free cream cheese
• 1 package (3 ounces) ladyfingers, split and cubed (could not find the soft kind ANYWHERE. We used half a package of the cookie-style ladyfingers. It was about 3.5 ounces.)
• 2 cups fat-free whipped topping (we used an entire tub of Cool-Whip. That's like 2 cups, right?)
• 2 tablespoons miniature chocolate chips (not only were the chips not mini, I didn't measure them either. I just sprinkled them completely at will)
• 1 teaspoon baking cocoa (again, I didn't measure. I just eyeballed it)

Directions

1. Dissolve coffee in boiling water; cool to room temperature.
2. In a large bowl, whisk milk and pudding mixes for 2 minutes.
3. In a larger mixing bowl, beat cream cheese until smooth (you're also going to want to make sure the cream cheese isn't cold. It needs to be a bit soft for this to work) Gradually fold in the pudding. (this recipe doesn't mention that the cream cheese does not easily incorporate into the pudding. It sort of breaks up into little balls. I had to put this all in the Kitchenaid with the whisk attachment and whisk the crap out of it for 2-3 minutes. It eventually blended smoothly)
4. Place ladyfinger cubes in a bowl; add coffee and toss to coat evenly. Let stand for 5 minutes. Divide half of the ladyfinger cubes among five (may vary depending on size of glasses) parfait glasses or serving dishes. Top with half of the pudding mixture, 1 cup of whipped topping and 1 tablespoon of chocolate chips. Repeat layers.
5. Cover and refrigerate for 8 hours or overnight. Just before serving, dust with cocoa.

Good times!

Recipe Monday: Shoofly Pie

     I haven't really done much in the way of desserts and I apologize for that. We all love desserts. I have no recollection where I dug up the recipe. If it looks familiar, let me know and I'll give credit where credit is due. This particular dessert is really an acquired tasted. There is no middle ground here. You're going to love it or you're going to hate it. If you try it, let me know which it is.

Shoofly Pie. Tastes A LOT better than it looks.

Ingredients: 

• Pastry Shell 
• 1 ½ cup flour 
• ½ cup margarine 
• 1 cup packed brown sugar 
• 1 tsp. baking soda 
• 1 cup boiling water 
• ½ cup molasses 
• ½ cup honey

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375F. 
2. Sift flower into a large bowl. 
3. Cut in margarine until pea sized. 
4. Stir in sugar. Set mixture aside. 
5. Dissolve baking soda in boiling water. Add molasses and honey. 
6. Pour mixture into pastry shell. 
7. Sprinkle flour mix over the top 
8. Bake at 375F for 10 minutes. 
9. Reduce to 350F and bake for another 25-30 minutes. 
10. Allow to cool before serving.