Spicy Pork, Mushrooms, and Noodles

I have to tell you, I've been a hot mess lately. Literally.  The blower on our house AC died the first hot day we tried to use it. The hoses on The Wife's truck's AC gave out. We've also been busy with having the roof of the garage torn off and reshingled, and we're still in the process of filling in the in-ground pool once and for all. In all that excitement, I've fallen off on giving you the High Quality Content that you all deserve. I thought for sure I had lost this particular recipe, but while The Wife was moving stuff around, it materialized. So here you have it. A simple recipe for spicy pork and noodles. We used some leftover pork from pork steaks we had cooked before. If you don't have precooked, you can just cook it up in the pan before you add in the veggies. The heat on this dish is easily adjustable. It's also easily made vegetarian by leaving out the pork and using sauteed tofu or some more veggies. 

Spicy Pork, Mushrooms, and Noodles

Ingredients

• 8 oz. Thai red rice noodles (we found them at ALDI. If you can't find them, just use fettucini)
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 cup sliced, cooked pork
• 1 cup sliced mushrooms
• 3 scallions, sliced
• 2 tablespoons spicy mustard (we used a couple packets of hot mustard from the Chinese restaurant. Look around, I'm sure you have some in a drawer somewhere. Maybe in the bottom of the lettuce crisper)
• 1 tablespoon black bean garlic paste
• 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
• 1 tablespoon sriracha
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon white sesame seeds

Directions

1. Cook noodles a little shorter than the directions on the package call for (they will finish cooking at the end)
2. In a bowl, add the mustard, bean paste, hoisin, sriracha, pepper flakes, soy sauce and sesame seeds. Stir to mix.
3. In a large pan/wok, heat oil over medium high heat. Add mushrooms and scallions. Stir-fry for about 5-7 minutes.
4. Add the cooked pork and noodles to the pan. 
5. Pour sauce over everything and toss to coat. Lower heat to medium and cook another 3-4 minutes, tossing regularly, until the noodles are the desired tenderness.

Good times!

Slow Cooker Faux Pho

We are still attempting to make it through the imposed homebounding using only the supplies we have in the house (apart from eventually having to get milk for the Spud). This has forced me to be creative and ensure we use up all of one thing before we make the next. Two days ago we defrosted a whole smoked chicken that was in our fridge. The first night we had it as is. The next night it was chicken wraps. This time, since IT WAS FUCKING SNOWING AGAIN, I decided to use the last of the chicken to make soup. I thought it would be neat to try making Pho, but real pho is a Pain In The Ass. Lots of straining and demand for a perfectly clear broth. Screw that. It all went into a slow cooker. Was it authentic? No clue. I've never had authentic pho. I'm guessing it wasn't even close to authentic. Was it good? HELLS YES IT WAS.

Slow Cooker Faux Pho

Ingredients

• 5 cups chicken stock
• 1 cup water
• 1 sweet onion, minced
• 3/4" ginger, grated
• 1/8 teaspoon ground clove
• 1 teaspoon ground coriander
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• salt to taste
• 2 teaspoon dried cilantro
• 3 teaspoon fish sauce
• 1 can 14.5 ounces, bean sprouts, drained
• 1 pound cooked, shredded chicken
• 8 ounces rice noodles
• Lime wedges and Sriracha sauce for garnish

Directions

1. In a 5-6 quart slow cooker, add all ingredients except for the last 4. Set on LOW for 5 hours.
2. Add the sprouts, chicken, and noodles. Recover the slow-cooker and cook an additional 30 minutes.
3. Serve with lime wedges and Sriracha.

Good Times!

Sweet and Spicy Shrimp

One of the thing's I've had to learn once I had a child was how to put meals together in a hurry. While I would love frozen pizzas and cold cereal on a regular basis, it is nice to have a meal made from scratch now and then. This particular meal came together because we discovered our Dollar General sells shrimp. Yup. Seriously. So we got some and went to work. Everything else I had on hand in the house. The whole thing came together in about half an hour. The Wife claimed it a winner. I felt it needed more heat and added some extra Sriracha. Either way it's a keeper. As I'll mention below, finding the specific preserves we used may be a challenge unless you make it yourself. Just find a store bought one you like and experiment! As always, notes are in blue.

Sweet and Spicy Shrimp

Ingredients

• 1 lb. medium frozen cooked peeled shrimp
• 1 13.5 ounce can coconut milk
• 1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon pineapple sage preserves (I totally understand many of you won't have this exact thing on hand. Feel free to substitute orange preserves or something like that. Then just add the sage)
• 1/2 sweet onion, chopped
• 1 medium carrot, peeled and shredded
• 1 8 ounce can of edamame, drained
• 1 tablespoon Sriracha
• 2 tablespoon vegetable oil
• salt and pepper
• cooked white rice for serving

Directions

1. Defrost shrimp in a large bowl of water. If the tails are still on, pinch them off (put the tails in a baggie and freeze them to use to make stock for something else)
2. Heat a large saucepan or wok over medium hot heat. Add oil. 
3. Add the onions and carrots and sautee for 3-5 minutes
4. Add the edamame and cook another 2-3 minutes
5. Add the preserves and mix until preserves are totally broken down into the vegetables. 
6. Add the milk and sriracha. Mix. Salt and pepper to taste.
7. Bring to a simmer and let simmer about 7-10 minutes. Do NOT let come to a boil. Stir often.
8. Add the shrimp stir to coat. Since the shrimp is pre-cooked, you'll only need to leave them in there a minute or two to warm up.
9. Serve over a bed of rice (though would be good over noodles, too)

Good Times!

Crispy Orange Beef and Broccoli

Summer is finally here and that means I actually have some time to devote to my food pages. I decided to start off the season with something that captures summer. It has fruit and heat. It is also my third iteration of this type of recipe. The spicy orange theme of quasi-Chinese food is always a favorite in my house. This particular recipe is a cut down version of my Too Damned Easy Spicy Orange Chicken and Broccoli.  This version is actually a bit simpler.  As always, notes are in blue.

Crispy Orange Beef and Broccoli

Ingredients

• 1 pound beef stew meat, sliced thin (leave the meat a bit frozen when slicing to make things easier for you)
•  4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• Corn starch
• 1/2 pound frozen broccoli, thawed (fresh will work, too. You'll just need to chop it up into smaller pieces)
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 cup orange marmalade
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha hot sauce (use less if you're a big baby, or more if you're a sexual powerhouse, just like me)
• 4 green onions, sliced diagonally , for garnish

Directions

1. In a large wok (or pan or whatever), heat the oil over medium high heat.
2. In a large bowl, pour in some corn starch. Dredge the beef in the corn starch so all the pieces are evenly coated.
3. Once the oil is hot, working in batches, fry the beef until crispy, about 3-5 minutes per batch. Remove each batch to a paper towel to drain excess oil.
4. When the beef is done, turn down the heat to medium and add the soy sauce. 
5. When the soy sauce begins to bubble, add the marmalade and Sriracha. Stir constantly until the sauce is completely mixed. Let it simmer for about 3 minutes.
6. Add the beef back to the pan and stir to coat.
7. Add the broccoli and stir to coat. Cook for another 4-5 minutes or until the broccoli is the consistency you like.
8. Serve over rice and garnish with the green onion.

Bonus: What booze to have with this

• The Wife recommends Redd's Cranberry Ale
• I suggest a Chardonnay in the $3-5 range. 

Good Times!

Too Damned Easy Spicy Orange Chicken and Broccoli

     If I ever made a list of all-time favorite fast-food/carry-out dishes, Panda Express's Orange Chicken would have to be on it. It is so wrong, but so damned right. This recipe is nothing like it, apart from being called "orange chicken." Sorry. The only reason I even made this was because we couldn't figure out what to make for dinner. The Wife wanted pasta, and I just wasn't feeling pasta. Then I remembered a jar of orange marmalade lurking on the top shelf of a cabinet. I had long threatened to use it on something other than toast. Thus, this recipe was born. Possibly the goofiest thing I used in this recipe was Sunny Delight for the sauce. However, it gives you an orange citrus flavor punch that can't be denied. Feel free to use orange juice instead. You could probably even omit the sauce entirely and it would still be fine. I tried it with and without the sauce and enjoyed it both ways. Flavor-wise, I was very pleased with the result. Sweet orange flavor with a nice bit of heat. As always, notes are in blue.

Too Damned Easy
Spicy Orange Chicken
and Broccoli

Ingredients

• 1-1/2 pounds breaded chicken tenders (our local market sells bulk bags of breaded chicken tenders like you get in the cups at Wal-Mart or Casey's gas stations. Sort of like popcorn chicken style.  For a buck or so a pound, they're great. If you can't find them, find something similar. Hell, even Tyson nuggets would work.
• 3/4 cup orange marmalade
• 1 tablespoon Sriracha hot sauce
• 1 pound frozen broccoli

for sauce:

• 1/2 cup Sunny Delight (give or take, depending on how thick you'll want the sauce. Also, feel free to use orange juice if you don't like Sunny D. I thought it added a nice flavor)
• 2 tablespoons corn starch
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha hot sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Directions

1. Cook chicken according to directions
2. Cook broccoli however you prefer (steaming, microwave, whatever. We just boiled ours for a few minutes)
3. While steps 1 and 2 are going, in a small saucepan, combine all the ingredients for the sauce (if you want it thinner, add a little more liquid.) Cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, until the sauce is your desired consistency (I went for that slightly thick and sticky sauce like you get at Panda Express).
4. Toss hot chicken and broccoli in a large bowl with the marmalade and Sriracha.
5. Add the sauce to the chicken mix and toss again.
6. Serve over white rice.

Good Times!

Stir-Fried Beef With Green Onion and Broccoli

     Stir-fry has to be one of my favorite methods of cooking. It's generally fast and easy. You really have to totally walk away from the pan for an extended period of time to mess it up. This particular recipe came about as many of my recipes do: a way to use up produce before it goes off. We had a few gigantic scallions the Mother-In-Law gave us and some broccoli not long for this world. Fortunately, I've taken to keeping at least a pound of stew beef in the freezer, so it worked out great. The flavor was mellow and satisfying. You may notice I let "fast and easy" and "mellow and satisfying" without making any sort of obvious snide "like I like my women" comment. That's because I like my women like I like my coffee. Bitter. And with a cheese Danish. As always, notes are in blue.

Stir-Fried Beef with
Scallions and Broccoli

Ingredients

• 1 pound beef stew meat
• 4 scallions, cut into 1/4" pieces (you can use some of the green part if you like. We do.)
• 2 cups fresh broccoli, cut into smallish pieces (frozen will work in a pinch. Just defrost it first)
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce (we use low sodium)
• 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha (optional. I mean, if you hate flavor and happiness, you can certainly leave it out. To each their own.)
• sesame oil

Directions

1. Cut each piece of stew meat into one or two smaller pieces. 
2. In a bowl, add meat, scallions, broccoli, soy sauce and vinegar. Toss to coat. Let marinate for about 30 minutes. Toss occasionally to make sure everything is coated.
3. Heat oil in a large pan (a wok would be perfect here if you have one. If you don't, maybe you could run out and buy one! Be adventurous! Take a wok on the wild side! Sorry.) Add garlic and cook for less than a minute. Add beef and veggies and stir-fry 7-10 minutes or until the meat is done and the veggies still have a little bit of snap. Add a few drops of sesame oil toward the end of the cooking.
4. Serve over white rice or noodles.

Good Times!

Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

     I do so enjoy a good pasta salad. I also enjoy Crabuluxe, so obviously my tastes can't be a reliable source of information. For those of you who have yet to hear me speak of Crabuluxe, it is the faux-product name I tag on any form of imitation crab meat. It runs about $2.50 per pound and is useful in all sorts of recipes (such as Zesty Crabuluxe Cold Pasta Salad; Crab and Spinach Enchiladas, or Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe). I suppose if you're made of money and regularly wipe your ass with $100 bills you could go ahead and use real crab meat. Anyways, we whipped this little number up using a mango-chipotle vinaigrette we picked up at ALDI. We had it warm the day we made it, then ate it cold the next day. We felt cold was the better way to serve it. Do what you want as far as serving temperature. Nobody listens to me anyways. As always, notes are in blue.

Sweet and Tangy Crabuluxe Pasta Salad

Ingredients

• 1 pound medium shells pasta
• 1 pound Crabuluxe, cut into bite sized pieces
• 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
• 3 medium tomatoes, chopped
• 8 ounces mozzarella cheese, cut into 1/4" cubes
• 1-1/4 cup mango chipotle vinaigrette (ALDI carries it. If you don't have access to ALDI, I imagine most larger grocery stores carry something similar)
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon ponzu sauce (it's a citrus based sauce. If you don't have it in your kitchen, stop reading this and go get a bottle. You can thank me later)
• 2 teaspoons Sriracha (optional for babies and the chronically lame)

Directions

1. Cook pasta until al dente (nice guy, Al. I wonder what he's up to these days?) Drain put in a large bowl. 
2. In a smaller bowl, mix the vinaigrette, garlic powder, ponzu and Sriracha. 
3. Put all the remaining ingredients in the large bowl with the pasta. Pour in the contents of the smaller bowl. Toss to incorporate ingredients. 
4. Refrigerate at least one hour before serving. (as mentioned, we loved this as a cold pasta salad. There's really nothing stopping you from serving it immediately if you prefer a warm pasta salad. It's not like I have your house under surveillance...Or do I?)

Good Times!

Spud's Choice Hot Noggin Sauce

     First, a couple clarifications. We did NOT give any hot sauce to our The Spud. Also, for those who like to needlessly panic, that's a sweet red banana pepper on her noggin'. We know better than to handle our little tater with hot peppery hands. To review: No Spuds were harmed in the making of this sauce. This particular sauce came about as an attempt to use up surplus peppers. I chose only red colored peppers since that was what I had the most of. I ended up with what can best be described as a sriracha variant. The sauce starts sweet and a bit garlicky, then you get a serious punch of heat that quickly levels off before slowly fading. Much like sriracha, I see this being a multipurpose sauce, topping everything from eggs to meats. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Spud's Choice
Hot Noggin Sauce

Ingredients

(yields just shy of 3 half pint jars)

• 1 cup cayenne peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup red jalapeno or Serrano peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup bird or Thai peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 1 cup red banana peppers, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 12 cloves garlic
• 1/2 cup white vinegar
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 teaspoons seasoning salt

Directions

1. Load peppers and garlic into a food processor. Blend until a thick paste (the peppers, not you)
2. Dump the peppers into a nonreactive pot. Add the remaining ingredients and stir to incorporate.
3. Place on medium-high heat and bring to a boil, reduce to simmer and simmer for 5 minutes, stirring regularly.
4. If you plan to use the sauce right away, you're done. It will keep in the fridge for a couple weeks. If you plan to can the sauce, proceed to the next step.
5. Load sauce into 1/2 pint jars, leaving about 1/4" headspace. Seal with a 2 piece lid. Place in boiling water bath for 12 minutes. Remove to wire rack to cool. As always, make sure to refer to the National Center for Home Food Preservation for useful tips on how not to accidentally poison your friends and family.

Good times!

Three Mustard Pepper Relish

     The weather this summer has absolutely sucked. It started off cold and raining for weeks. Then it was hot and raining. Then it was hot and humid. Weeds are rampant, Bugs are rampant. All our cucumbers died. The tomatoes are running late. Our peppers, however, are growing out of control. Once again I am inundated with banana peppers. I could always do my Sriracha Stuffed Banana Peppers but I'm pretty sure I still haven't eaten the ones I froze last season. I perused the interwebz and found a likely recipe at BetterRecipes. I liked the idea, but it used only yellow mustard. That's a pretty commanding flavor profile here. I like yellow mustard, but not enough to risk that much. I decided on a mix of three different types instead. The result was absolute dynamite. This would be great on a brat, Polish sausage, pork, chicken, just about anything. The Wife even put it on her eggs. My only complaint is it probably could use more peppers. You could probably add another half dozen peppers easy. If you like mustard, give it a try and see what you think. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Three Mustard Pepper Relish

Ingredients

• 3 dozen banana peppers
• 3 cups white vinegar
• 1/2 cup yellow mustard 
• 1/2 cup spicy brown mustard
• 1/2 cup Kentucky's Smokin' Grill Grand Spiced Honey Mustard (this really brings this recipe together. You could probably find another spicy honey mustard, but it's not going to be the same. This stuff is the bomb-diggety)
• 3 cups white sugar
• 3/4 cups water
• 3/4 cups flour
• 1 tablespoon dried minced onion
• 1 heaping teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 heaping teaspoon onion powder

Directions

1. Cut the stems off the peppers and discard (the stems, not the peppers) Finely chop the peppers into tiny little pieces. If you have a food processor, pulse the peppers in small batches. You're looking for pieces less than 1/8". 
2. Put the peppers, water and vinegar in a nonreactive pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce to simmer and let simmer for about 10 minutes.
3. Add sugar and stir until sugar is completely dissolved. 
4. Add remaining ingredients and turn the heat down a bit. You don't want the flour to overthicken (is that even a word? It is now. SCREW YOU, SPELLCHECK). Stir everything for a few minutes to make sure the flour is incorporated. If you have a whisk, use it.
5. If you are terrified of canning, stop here. You now have a quart  of relish that's only going to last about a month in the fridge. 
6. If you like canning, this will yield about 8 half pint jars. Seal them with a two-part lid. Process them in a boiling water canner for 12 minutes. If you decide on pint jars, process for 15 minutes. As always, double check with the National Center for Home Food Preservation for tips on how to not accidentally poison your loved ones.

Good times!

Mapo Tofu

     It's always nice to find simple recipes in cooking magazines. Half the time they require ridiculous ingredients with insane direction. "Lightly lambaste a pre-pubescent hedgehog for 16 hours before braising another 12 hours in a reduction of leprechaun tears and the sweat of an owlbear." I hate that sort of shit. Give me a nice simple recipe involving simple ingredients. If I can bang it out in under 30 minutes, that's even better. This is one of those recipes. This came together in about 20 minutes and was plenty tasty. I like that options for the harder to find ingredients were provided. Naturally, I took liberties with the recipe. The end result was plenty tasty and very filling. We'll call it a winner and add it to the rotation. As always, notes and changes are in blue.

Mapo Tofu
via Food and Wine Magazine

Ingredients

• 1 teaspoon canola oil (omitted)
• 1/2 lb. ground beef chuck (85% lean) (That didn't happen. I went with about a pound and a quarter of 73/27 ground beef)
• 1/2 pound ground pork (omitted. I figure I'd go straight beef for this)
• Kosher salt (I try to limit salt intake, so I omitted it)
• 2 Tbsp. chile bean sauce, preferably tobojan dijan (Nope. I did have black bean garlic sauce, which I used instead)
• 2 Tbsp. homemade sriracha. Use store bought if you prefer.
• 2 Tbsp. hoisin sauce or tenmenjan (soybean paste) (We had the hoisin on hand so that's what we used.)
• 1 Tbsp. soy sauce
• One 14-ounce package soft tofu, drained and finely diced
• 1-1/2 tsp. cornstarch
• 1/2 cup water
• 3 scallions, finely chopped
• white rice for serving

Directions

1. Heat a large pan until hot (if you can heat it until it's cold, you've done something wrong). Add the oil, followed by the beef and pork (since the beef was a touch fatty, I just omitted the oil). Season with salt and cook over high heat, stirring and breaking up the meat until crumbly and lightly browned, about 3 minutes (if you used higher fat meat like we did, remember to drain the grease)
2. Stir in the chile-bean sauce, hoisin and soy sauce (and the sriracha, if you're using it) and cook, stirring for 3 minutes; gently fold in the tofu.
3. In a small bowl, whisk the cornstarch into the water. Add to the pan and simmer until the sauce thickens, about 2 minutes.
4. Stir in the scallions and serve.

Good times!

Lemon-Chile Seafood Delight

     Some days I really want something light, but full of flavor. I also want it quickly and with minimal effort. This recipe is the culmination of those desires. It came together in about a half an hour. Aside from the rice I served it on, this dish is phenomenally low on calories. The lemon and sriracha gave this dish a nice kick. The Wife certainly enjoyed it, so I'll call it a winner. When naming it, I decided to go with one of those goofy sounding names you find in Chinese restaurants. I thought "Monkeys Chasing the Heaven's Gate on Fire" was good, but it sounded too much like something you'd buy at a fireworks stand. Anyway, give it a try if you want. Hopefully you will like it as much as we did. As always, notes are in blue.

Lemon-Chile Seafood Delight

Ingredients

• 12 ounces shrimp, tails removed (I used frozen shrimp, since fresh is prohibitively expensive right now. If you use fresh, make sure to cook them until they are pink. Also, save the tails to use later to make shrimp stock!)
• 1 pound imitation crab meat ("Crabuluxe," as we call it. Feel free to use real crab meat if you want. Make sure to have the butler get the Ferrari waxed while he's out picking it up.)
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 pound fresh broccoli 
• 1 can (14 ounce) stir-fry vegetables, drained
• 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 1" piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated
• 1 tablespoon Sriracha (we used our own home-made Sriracha)
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce (use Worcestershire sauce if you don't have fish sauce. Use soy sauce if you don't have either of those. If you have none, just stop and go out for a pizza.)
• Slurry of 2 tablespoons corn starch mixed with 2 tablespoons cold water

Directions

1. Steam broccoli until it starts to get tender. You still want a little snap on it. 
2. Heat oil in a large pan to medium-high heat. Add garlic and ginger, stir for a minute or two or until garlic begins to turn golden. 
3. Add the stir-fry veggies and sriracha. Stir and let cook for another 3-4 minutes.
4. Add the lemon juice, fish sauce and seafood. Stir to mix and let cook for 2-3 more minutes (longer if you are using fresh seafood)
5. Add broccoli and slurry. Remove from heat and stir until sauce thickens. Serve over rice. Thank me at your convenience. 

Good times!

Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe

     Once again I turn to the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook. As always, I end up infuriated. Not with the food, mind you.  No, what really pisses me off is how these recipes are written. Something about the wording of these recipes just makes me insane. They are just needlessly complicated and ponderously worded. The recipes are generally quite tasty. However, this one was a bit bland and could benefit from a bit of spice. I wound up adding a couple teaspoons of home-made Sriracha. As always, any notes are changes are in blue.

Stir-Fried Broccoli with Crabuluxe
via: Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 lb fresh broccoli
• 2 green onions, with tops
• 1 tablespoon corn starch
• 1 tablespoon cold water
• 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1 clove garlic, finely chopped (feeling lazy. I used 1 tablespoon jarred garlic)
• 1/4 cup chicken broth
• 8 ounces frozen salad-style imitation crabmeat, thawed ("salad-style?" What sort of hoity-toity stuff is that? You're using fake crab meat. Don't try to make it sound fancy. If you must, do what we do and call it "Crabuluxe.")
• 1/4 teaspoon sesame oil
• 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes or hot sauce of your choice

Directions

1. Peel outer layer from broccoli. Cut broccoli lengthwise into 1-inch stems; Remove florets. Cut stems diagonally into 1/4 inch slices (AHAHAHAHAHA! That was not going to happen. That's just a lot of bullshit work for something that's eventually going to be poop. We just cut the florets off close to the stalk and moved on). Place broccoli stems in boiling water; heat to boiling (THE WATER IS ALREADY BOILING! Why does Betty Crocker insist on constantly fucking with my head?) Cover and cook for 30 seconds. Add florets; heat to boiling. Cover and cook 30 seconds (You know what? No. I'm not doing that. That's more work than I'm willing to commit to. I just chucked the cut broccoli in the boiling water and let it go for about a minute or so). Drain and rinse in cold water. 
2. Cut onions into 1/2-inch pieces. Slice lengthwise in half and set aside (just slice the onions and move it along).
3. In a small bowl, mix corn starch and water; set aside.
4. In wok or 12-inch skillet, heat vegetable oil over high heat. Add broccoli and garlic; stir-fry 1 minute. Add broth; heat to boiling. Stir in cornstarch mixture cook and stir until thickened. Add Crabuluxe, onions and sesame oil; cook and stir 1 minute.

Good Times!

Crab and Spinach Enchiladas

     After the holidays, I'm glad I have cookbooks like the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook.  I'm not one for cleanses or detoxes. I just try to eat more sensibly and get back to my standard 1600 calorie a day intake. Recipes like these enchiladas are great because they are filling, but super-low in calories. Each of these enchiladas come in at around 300 calories. Have two of these and some black beans and a bit of rice and you've got a great meal in the 600 calorie range. As always, and notes or changes are in blue.

Crabmeat and Spinach Enchiladas
via Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook

Ingredients

• 1 cup chunky-style salsa (if you can use home-made, you'll save yourself some unneeded preservatives and sodium)
• 1/4 cup chili sauce (if you want to do a bit of fusion here, use Sriracha)
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (I used 1 tablespoon of dried. If you can't stand cilantro, you could always swap in parsley or basil)
• 1 pound refrigerated chunk-style imitation crabmeat (as I call it, "Crabuluxe")
• 2 cups frozen cut leaf spinach, thawed and squeezed to drain
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded Pepper Jack cheese
• 8 flour tortillas
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese

Directions

1. Heat oven to 350F. Spray 13x9 inch glass baking dish with cooking spray (I can't imagine anything cataclysmic is going to happen if you don't use glass. However, if you use Corningware and subsequently die, please don't blame me)
2. In a small bowl, mix salsa, chili sauce, cumin and cilantro.
3. In a medium bowl, break up crabmeat and combine with spinach, Pepper Jack cheese and 1/4 cup of the sauce mixture. Spread about 1/2 cup of the sauce mixture over the bottom of the baking dish (because spreading the mixture under the baking dish would just be stupid).
4. Top each tortilla with about 2/3 cup of the crabmeat mixture; roll up. Place tortillas, seam side down, in baking dish. Top with remaining sauce. Sprinkle with cheddar cheese.
5. Spray sheet of foil with cooking spray. Cover dish with foil, sprayed side down (I'm going to tell you that if you need to be instructed to put the sprayed side down, maybe you should just order out instead) Bake 35-40 minutes or until thoroughly heated. 

Good times!

Sriracha Sauce via Hot Sauce!

     We have just been pepper fabulous all season in the garden. The cayenne came up late, but boy howdy did they make up for lost time. Naturally, we turned to the book Hot Sauce! for a recipe to burn through the inventory. Since Sriracha is one of my favorite sauces, we figured we would pull the recipe from the book to try. With a little doctoring we came up with a sauce that I feel is superior to Huy Fong Sriracha. That's a big claim, but I'm sticking to it. The recipe below is showing double the amount listed in the cookbook. We found out the hard way that even though the book says their measurements yield one cup, we called bullshit. We needed to double off everything to come up with a half pint. One warning, if you choose cayenne peppers it will be a Colossal Pain In The Ass to seed them; wear gloves unless you're a fan of screaming a lot. As always, any notes or changes are in blue.

Sriracha
via Hot Sauce!

Ingredients
(this recipe will yield 1/2 pint of sauce)

• 2 cups assorted fresh red chiles (habanero, jalapeno, serrano, and/or cayenne), stemmed, seeded and chopped (we use cayenne. If you choose cayenne, you're in for some work. Seeding them is fairly labor intensive. Make sure you wear some rubber gloves)
• 6-8 garlic cloves, chopped
• 4 tablespoons white wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons sugar, plus more as needed (we used 3 teaspoons total)
• 1-2 teaspoons salt, plus more as needed (we used 2-1/2 teaspoons total)

Directions

1. Add all of the ingredients to a food processor and pulse until blended. Taste and adjust the amount of salt or sugar if needed (we felt it was needed. The adjustments are listed in the ingredients section)

   

   For added fun, leave the access chute open when you do this
   and see who can stay in the kitchen the longest!

2. Transfer the mixture to a saucepan and simmer over medium heat for 5 minutes, or until the sauce loses its raw vegetable smell.
3. Let cool, then pour into a bottle (we bottled it hot since we planned on water bath canning for long term storage. We processed half pint jars for 15 minute. As always, please consult the National Center for Home Food Preservation for more information. I won't be held responsible for you poisoning yourself)

Good times!

Monday Recipe: Salmon and Shrimp in Chili-Lime Tomato Sauce

     Normally I like to work from a recipe. I may make omissions and substitutions or add something here and there, but I like to have that framework to build on. Sometimes, I just wing it. This was one of those times.  Last week I wanted something fairly low in calories but big on flavor. I wanted to feel like I was really eating something substantial.  I figured that chili-lime was a classic combo. However, I decided on an alternative lime source. I thought Rose's Lime juice from the bar would be a nice compliment to the sriracha and sweet onion. I was right. This was fantastic and healthy to boot!

Salmon and Shrimp in Chili-Lime Tomato Sauce

Ingredients

• 4 salmon fillets
• 1/2 lb. medium shrimp, cleaned and de-tailed
• 1 large, sweet onion, diced
• 1 rib celery, diced
• 3 cloves garlic, chopped
• 2 pints tomatoes, roughly chopped
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 tablespoon Sriracha sauce
• 1 teaspoon Rose's Lime Juice
• 1 tablespoon heavy cream
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon grapeseed oil

Directions

1. Heat olive oil in pan, add garlic, celery and onion. Saute until tender. 3-5 minutes.
2. Take medium saucepan. Add tomatoes.  Stir in basil, Sriracha, and Rose's Lime. Blitz with an immersion blender until smooth. Add onion, celery and garlic. Bring to boil, lower to simmer and let simmer uncovered for about 25 minutes.
3. While sauce is simmering, heat grapeseed oil in pan and cook salmon on medium heat until fish flakes easily with a fork. Add shrimp near end of cooking time and cook until pink.
4. Take immersion blender and blend sauce until smooth, add heavy cream and stir. 
5. Put salmon on plate, place shrimp on salmon. Cover with tomato sauce.

Serves 4 (or two really hungry people)

Good times!

Monday Recipe: Pistachio Crusted Tofu

     Every now and then I decide to go completely off book in the kitchen. This time it was because I sitting on a block of tofu that had been in my fridge a Long Time. It was a use it or lose it kind of thing. Normally I use tofu as a filler in my stir-fry. I didn't have any meat prepped so I decided to give meatless a try. This turned out far better than I could have hoped for. I wound up serving it over a bag of microwave-steamer Chinese-style vegetables.  One of my students tried it when I brought leftovers to school and has been after me to give him the recipe ever since. Here it is. 

Pistachio Crusted Tofu

Ingredients

• 1 block firm tofu (about 14 ounces)
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1/4t 5-spice powder
• 1t Worcestershire sauce
• 1T Sriracha

For crust:

• 1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup shredded unsweetened coconut
• 1 cup chopped pistachios
• 1/4 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F
2. Drain tofu and pat dry with paper towels. Slice into 1/2" thick slabs
3. Mix sour cream, 5-spice powder, Worcestershire sauce and Sriracha in a medium bowl
4. In another medium bowl, mix all ingredients for crust
5. Spread a thin layer of the sour cream mix on each slab of tofu. Cover both sides and edges. 
6. Press tofu into crust bowl. Cover slab completely with crust. Place on a greased cookie sheet.
7. Cook for about 30 minutes at 375F or until pistachios/coconut start to brown.

Good times!

Sriracha Stuffed Banana Peppers

     I know I've been on a Thanksgiving kick for the past couple of weeks, but I wanted to get this recipe out there. I made it once to burn through some spare peppers and it was a hit. We made a bunch of these yesterday and have frozen them for later use. It is super simple for use as an appetizer or side dish. You can swap the pork with pretty much any ground meat. Feel free to swap out the cheese, too. Pepper jack cheese would give even more kick to this recipe. As always, any notes (there won't be changes since this is entirely my recipe) will be in blue.

Sriracha Stuffed Banana Peppers

Ingredients

• A dozen or so large banana peppers (use Hungarian Wax peppers for a little extra kick)
• Bottle of Sriracha sauce
• 1 pound ground pork
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F
2. Cut the tops off the peppers and carefully core out the seeds and pith
3. Brown the pork in a frying pan on the stove top (I sadly realized that if I didn't specify stove top, somebody was going to throw the pork in the oven and hope for the best). Drain excess grease.
4. Add shredded cheese to pork and mix until cheese is melted

   

   This is the consistency you're looking for.

5. Put a squirt of Sriracha in each pepper (use more or less according to how big of a stud/wuss you are)
6. Pack the pork/cheese mixture in each pepper until just barely overfull
7. Put peppers on a greased cookie sheet
8. Put tray in oven and cook until peppers start to get soft and/or char (about 15-25 minutes)
9. Remove from oven and let rest for 5-10 minutes

These also freeze well for later use. Simply stop at step 6 of the directions and store in a freezer bag or container.

I originally didn't have an actual photo of the dish, so I provided this whimsical picture of
 beloved  British animated character Peppa Pig.

Good times!

Monday Recipe: Salmon Cakes with Spicy Mayo

     As much as I prefer to use an existing recipe as is, or even play around with it, sometimes I feel like going completely on my own in the kitchen. This was one of my first freestyle efforts and it took a couple of tries to get it right. It leaves a lot of room for personal interpretation, which I like in a recipe. As with most of my recipes, I attempted to keep costs and calories down as low as possible. The cost can be kept fairly low, since almost all of the ingredients can be found at ALDI.  I figure these run no more than $2 per serving, assuming you have to go out and buy staples (mayo, eggs, flour, etc). You can cut the cost further by leaving out the lox, but I really like what they add to these cakes.

     Some of my variations of this recipe add panko bread crumbs, some chopped basil, or other simple swap-outs. As far as the hot sauce goes, take it out or leave it in. I just happen to like spicy. When I make this I use my own home-made pepper paste. I also traditionally serve these on English muffins with a slice of tomato. Enjoy!

Salmon Cakes with Spicy Mayonnaise 

Ingredients

• 1 14.75oz can Alaskan Pink Salmon (skin and bones removed)
• 2 oz. smoked salmon (lox), chopped 
• 1/2 cup chopped onion
• 1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper
• 1 tsp water
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper sauce (or Sriracha if available)
• 1/2 cup  breadcrumbs
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 egg
• Grape seed oil for frying
• Tomato slices for serving
• English muffins for serving
• Basil leaves (optional)

    Spicy Mayo

• 3 tbsp mayonnaise 
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp smoked paprika (regular paprika is fine if smoked is not available)
• 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper sauce (or Sriracha if available)
• 1 tsp Cajun seasoning     

     Directions

1. Clean canned salmon of bones and skin
2. Add first 11 items to a large bowl. Mix well (use your hands if you're not a squeamish baby) 
3. Form mixture into patties big enough to cover an English muffin
4. Put enough oil in the bottom of a non-stick pan to cover in a layer. Set to med-high heat.
5. Fry the patties in the grape seed oil until brown on both sides (3-5 minutes per side). Add oil as needed to keep bottom of pan coated.
6. Place salmon cakes on paper towel to absorb excess oil
7. In separate bowl, mix all ingredients for spicy mayo
8. Toast muffins
9. Spread a thin layer of mayo on the muffin. Place a slice of tomato on the muffin, place a salmon cake on the tomato. Add a dollop of mayo and a basil leaf for garnish.