Dinner Party 2: Fantasy Nightmare Draft

     Back in December I discussed the possibility of hosting a dinner party for anyone you wanted, living or dead. I came up with four guests, since the other two seats at my table would be filled by me and my wife. Let's do something similar now, but the restriction is that you must invite people you would never consider inviting under any circumstance. The person could be insane, criminal, annoying, self-destructive or just generally odious. They must, however, have some degree of fame.

Too easy. Please make another selection

     Just consider it. Imagine having to try to host a dinner party for four people nobody would ever consider willingly inviting into their homes. Let's see who is coming to dinner.

Henry VIII

     When I consulted with the wife on a nightmare guest list, her first suggestion was Roseanne Barr. When I asked why, she said, "she's fat and loud." I informed her that so was I and she needed more than that for her reasons. Her next suggestion was Henry VIII. I have to agree this would be a challenging guest to entertain. He's going to want to have sex with your daughter/wife. He's likely to drink and eat you out of house and home. He's going to make a huge mess and is probably going to demand someone come wipe his ass after he wrecks the bathroom. Finally, he will eventually become displeased and try to have you executed. While we're on that subject, how about...

Oscar Pistorius

     Trips to the bathroom are going to have a certain level of risk.

Too soon?
Fine. How about...

Vlad the Impaler

     This guy would probably be way at the bottom of anyone's guest list. I imagine it would be fairly uncomfortable to sit at a table with a guy responsible for the death of like 80,000 people and the razing of countless towns. I can't imagine he was a sparkling conversationalist. Plus, you're never going to be able to set a table that he's going to like. Vlad had very specific ideas about dining atmosphere.

Vlad enjoying a meal at Bobby Flay Steak.

Finally...

Lucrezia Borgia

     You may say to yourself, "Why not this lady? She looks fairly nice. Good hair. Stylish outfit. Not too much makeup." Well you would be correct. Lucrezia was considered a hottie for her time. So why wouldn't you want her at the table? For one thing, the Borgias were famous for throwing fantastically huge parties. If you invite this lady to your table, you're probably going to be met with a lot of eye rolling and snide comments about how much better her dinner parties are. More importantly, she's likely to murder everyone at the table with poison. It appears that Ms. Borgia allegedly wore a ring with a compartment filled with poison. She would allegedly dump said poison in your drink when you weren't looking. It was like a roofie except you die.

Good times!

Dinner Party Fantasy Draft

     I think we've all done this at one time or another. We consider an event and figure out who we would invite if there were no restrictions. Living or dead, you could invite anyone in history you want.

There will always be a place at my table for Stephen Pastis

     My dining room table will comfortably seat six people. With myself and the wife present, that leaves me with four seats to fill. For this particular party, I'm only inviting notable figures from history. Who are my "A-List" people to invite? Let's take a look:

Benjamin Franklin

There's just no way I can't have this guy at the table. If you read his 13 Virtues you know he's a solid dinner party guest. He's not likely to get drunk or gorge himself and he will be a generally pleasant guest. I also imagine he'll have plenty of little anecdotes to keep the conversation rolling.

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln wasn't a drinker, which might make him a bit uncomfortable. However, his story-telling and sense of humor would provide for hours of entertainment at the table.  I figure Lincoln worked hard and payed his dues; he could use a nice relaxing dinner. Plus, if anybody gets rowdy, he could wrestle them into submission.

Ray Bradbury

I once saw a video of Bradbury at his home. He was drinking Coors from a can and eating huge chunks of cheddar cheese. This is my kind of guy.  I have read a ton of his novels, stories and essays. He would be fascinating to have at the table. He strikes me as the kind of guy who talks with his mouth full while gesticulating with his silverware. Again, my kind of guy. There is no doubt Bradbury would join me on the patio after dinner for a glass of bourbon and a cigar.

Horatio Nelson

This guy gets the invite because he was a total bad-ass. The Battle of Trafalgar? Come on! When your last words are "Thank God I have done my duty...God and my Country," you qualify as a true gentleman. His full title?

Vice Admiral of the White The Right Honourable Horatio, Viscount Nelson, Knight of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath. In addition, he was Baron Nelson, of the Nile and of Burnham Thorpe in the County of Norfolk, Baron Nelson, of the Nile and of Hillborough in the County of Norfolk, Duke of Bronte in the nobility of the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies, Knight of the Grand Cross of the Order of St Ferdinand and of Merit and a Knight of the Ottoman Empire's Order of the Crescent,Knight Grand Commander of the Order of St Joachim, Colonel of the Marines, Freeman of Norwich, Bath, Yarmouth, London, Salisbury and Exeter.

How can you not invite this guy? My only fear would be that he might try to dominate the conversation. It would be fairly amusing to watch him, Lincoln and Franklin try to control the discussion. I think Bradbury would just sit there and laugh.