Completely Odd Cooking Habits

     I think everybody has an odd cooking habit or two. A certain way they stir, a special pan. That sort of thing. Not in my family. My family's odd habits are a bit more esoteric and idiosyncratic (BONUS FOR ADVANCED LANGUAGE SKILLS).

Toothpicks in cakes
I'm not talking about the time-honored tradition of using a toothpick to check if a cake or bread is done through. I'm talking about my grandmother's (my dad's mom, henceforth referred to as "Loretta") predilection for hiding toothpicks INSIDE the cake. I remember she made a pretty awesome Fred Flintstone cake for my birthday when I was little. I also remember nearly choking to death on a toothpick buried in the cake. My dad pierced the roof of his mouth with another toothpick hidden inside. I recall exactly what he said to his mom: "JESUS LORETTA, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE THERE TOOTHPICKS INSIDE THE CAKE?" She went on to explain that she needed the toothpicks to support the cake and keep it from collapsing. She apparently had special load-bearing toothpicks. The problem was, you never knew if you had a piece with a toothpick until you speared one through your cheek.

Eating Loretta's cakes was very much like playing Minesweeper.

Cooking without a recipe
In all my years living at home, not once did I ever see either of my parents consult a cookbook or recipe. No exaggeration here. Never. I'm assuming they memorized recipes and then burned the paper copy in the interest of National Security. My dad's chili varied from batch to batch. Apart from his standard 1lb meat=1 can tomato sauce=1 can kidney beans, it was up for grabs. My mom had a recipe that consisted of putting a load of rice and water in a baking dish, throwing in a bunch of chicken breasts, onions and green peppers and covering the whole thing in tomato sauce. Everything was wonderful, but to this day, I still have no idea how to exactly replicate anything from them. Maybe that was the point.

Cryptic Names
Many recipes in my family had really goofball names. "Fall-apart Chicken" was fairly self-explanatory, but somewhat ominous. Was my grandmother (my mom's mom, henceforth referred to as Bubby, not the toothpick grandma) referring to chicken cooked so long the meat simply fell from the bone, or was the chicken leprous? "Wally's Dressing" was another classic. No indication as to what is in there. This sounds more like a reason not to go into Wally's room than a recipe.

"Stay out of the bedroom, dear. Wally's dressing."

Possibly it was referring to bandages for a wound on Wally. Actually, it was a combination of oil, elbow macaroni and chicken livers.

Horrifying Jell-O Suspensions
I'm not talking about the fun fruit and marshmallow in a Jell-O mold we all know and love. My mom made a great one with whipped cream that was layered. Very picturesque. No, I'm talking about the occasional Jell-O that made it to our table from some of the more damaged members of my family and their friends. Specifically, I remember a story of someone serving my Bubby a Jell-O with gefilte fish suspended in it. Green Jell-O no less. As the story goes, Bubby blew a gasket. It is said she announced, "WHO PUTS GEFILTE FISH IN JELL-O?! FUCKING [the religion of the person in question. I'll just go ahead and leave that part out as to not offend anybody]." My Bubby was a firecracker.

     I'm sure if I take some time and work with my therapist I can dredge up more alarming memories for you for another day.

Good times!

Fundamentally Horrifying Foods That I Have Eaten

     There comes a time in every one's life where they are presented with a food they find fundamentally horrifying. The reasons for this visceral horror may vary. It could be a questionable ingredient. It could be an odd blend of flavors. Maybe it's the color or texture. Sometimes it's the presentation. Whatever the reason may be, the food is repellent. When faced with this type of food you have two options:

     Or you can go for the gusto and attempt to conquer your fear and digestive system. I have been confronted with a number of questionable dishes in my time and in most cases have made a genuine attempt to see if it's truly as bad as it would appear. Here are a few examples:

Haggis

This is one of the more infamous horrifying foods. For those who aren't familiar with haggis, here is the definition from Merriam-Webster:  a traditionally Scottish dish that consists of the heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep or a calf minced with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the animal. I agree, it sounds absolutely vile. It doesn't look particularly appetizing either, even the version I had. However, the taste is surprisingly good. For lack of a better comparison, it's kind of like corned beef hash, but made with everything that's left over after they make hot dogs.

Gefilte Fish

Let's hit the definition from dictionary.reference.com first:  a forcemeat of boned fish, especially such freshwater fish as carp, pike, or whitefish, blended with eggs,matzo meal, and seasoning, shaped into balls or sticks and simmered in a vegetable broth, and often served chilled. OK, only moderately horrifying. That is, until you get to the chilled part. That means that these babies are swimming in a big vat of fish flavored gelatin. Check that picture again. Not very pretty. The consistency is sketchy, too. It's very much like a firm sponge. However, add a touch of horseradish and you've got a shockingly tasty dish!

Pickled Herring in Cream Sauce

No definition is needed here. Everything you need to know is in the name. It took me a while to get past this dish. It is visually unappealing. It doesn't smell particularly good. Even in concept it is unpleasant. However, you throw a hunk of this on a Triscuit and power it down and it's not half bad. It's not half good, either. You definitely need something crunchy to offset the texture of this dish. It's quasi-firm pieces of fish slathered in cream. The consistency is fairly hard to get past.

     So will you be a better person for eating these? Probably not. There's a good chance you'll be thoroughly repulsed. However, you can at least say you gave them a fair chance. Plus, there's also the possibility you'll find something you like that you can eat in front of friends and family in order to make them sick!

Good times!