Nutritionally Irresponsible Cooking: Breakfast Pizza

     I mentioned on Facebook the other day that I am a huge fan of the breakfast pizza from Casey's General Store. It's basically a pizza crust with egg, cheese and meat. It is heavy and greasy and undeniably awesome. Those who try it for the first time are almost always blown away and wonder how they lived life this far without one.

     The main issue I have with Casey's breakfast pizzas is that they are only available in the morning. If I sleep in too late, I miss the window to get one. I took it upon myself to replicate the recipe. The wife claims it is just as good, if not better.

Nutritionally Irresponsible Breakfast Pizza

Ingredients

• 1 7.5 oz. tube buttermilk biscuit dough
• 4 medium eggs
• 2T water
• 2T butter/margarine
• 1/2lb breakfast sausage (I used maple)
• 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F
2. Lightly grease pizza stone/pan
3. Knead biscuit dough into a ball. Roll out to about 10-12" diameter and place on stone/pan
4. Whisk eggs and water in a small bowl. Melt butter in a skillet on medium heat. Cook eggs on medium heat, pushing them around with a spatula to break them into a loose scramble. When eggs are still just a touch runny, remove from heat.
5. Spread eggs over pizza crust.
6. Cook sausage according to directions on package. Drain excess grease. Sprinkle over the eggs.
7. Sprinkle cheeses evenly across pizza.
8. Cook pizza for about 20-25 minutes or until crust starts to get golden and cheese melts.

The entire pizza is about 1800 calories. We cut ours into quarters, so 450 calories per serving. It's probably for the best that we not talk about fat and sodium content here.

Good times!

Monday Recipe: Creamy Pappardelle with Leeks and Bacon (via Bon Appetit)

     Being married to woman with Italian heritage carries with it certain burdens.

This certainly is one, but not the one I was thinking about.

     The burden particular to my wife is the demand for pasta. She has made it abundantly clear that I provide her with pasta dishes on a fairly regular basis. With that in mind, I find myself constantly scouring my books, magazines and web sites for new and exciting pasta dishes. I found one this weekend at Bon Appetit, my go-to source for recipes. I will now share it with you. I didn't have any pappardelle on hand, so I used penne and it worked fine. So with no further delay:

Creamy Penne With Leeks and Bacon (via Bon Appetit)

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 4 slices thick-cut bacon, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
• 2 medium leeks, white and pale-green parts only, halved lengthwise, sliced crosswise
• Kosher salt
• 3/4 cup heavy cream
• 2 teaspoons chopped fresh thyme
• 1 pound pappardelle or fettuccine (I used penne)
• 1 cup finely grated Parmesan or Grana Padano

Directions

1. Heat oil and butter in a large heavy pot over medium heat. Add bacon and cook, stirring often, until fat is rendered and bacon is crisp, 5-8 minutes. 
2. Add leeks and season with salt. Increase heat to medium-high and cook, stirring often, until leeks begin to brown, 5-8 minutes. 
3. Add cream, thyme, and 1/2 cup water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until sauce is thickened and coats the back of a spoon, 5-8 minutes.
4. Meanwhile, cook pasta in a large pot of boiling salted water, stirring occasionally, until al dente. Drain pasta, reserving 2 cups pasta cooking liquid.
5. Add pasta, Parmesan, and 1 cup pasta cooking liquid to sauce and stir to coat. Increase heat to medium and continue stirring, adding more cooking liquid as needed, until sauce coats pasta.

Makes 6 servings. 580 calories per serving.

Fundamentally Horrifying Foods That I Have Eaten

     There comes a time in every one's life where they are presented with a food they find fundamentally horrifying. The reasons for this visceral horror may vary. It could be a questionable ingredient. It could be an odd blend of flavors. Maybe it's the color or texture. Sometimes it's the presentation. Whatever the reason may be, the food is repellent. When faced with this type of food you have two options:

     Or you can go for the gusto and attempt to conquer your fear and digestive system. I have been confronted with a number of questionable dishes in my time and in most cases have made a genuine attempt to see if it's truly as bad as it would appear. Here are a few examples:

Haggis

This is one of the more infamous horrifying foods. For those who aren't familiar with haggis, here is the definition from Merriam-Webster:  a traditionally Scottish dish that consists of the heart, liver, and lungs of a sheep or a calf minced with suet, onions, oatmeal, and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the animal. I agree, it sounds absolutely vile. It doesn't look particularly appetizing either, even the version I had. However, the taste is surprisingly good. For lack of a better comparison, it's kind of like corned beef hash, but made with everything that's left over after they make hot dogs.

Gefilte Fish

Let's hit the definition from dictionary.reference.com first:  a forcemeat of boned fish, especially such freshwater fish as carp, pike, or whitefish, blended with eggs,matzo meal, and seasoning, shaped into balls or sticks and simmered in a vegetable broth, and often served chilled. OK, only moderately horrifying. That is, until you get to the chilled part. That means that these babies are swimming in a big vat of fish flavored gelatin. Check that picture again. Not very pretty. The consistency is sketchy, too. It's very much like a firm sponge. However, add a touch of horseradish and you've got a shockingly tasty dish!

Pickled Herring in Cream Sauce

No definition is needed here. Everything you need to know is in the name. It took me a while to get past this dish. It is visually unappealing. It doesn't smell particularly good. Even in concept it is unpleasant. However, you throw a hunk of this on a Triscuit and power it down and it's not half bad. It's not half good, either. You definitely need something crunchy to offset the texture of this dish. It's quasi-firm pieces of fish slathered in cream. The consistency is fairly hard to get past.

     So will you be a better person for eating these? Probably not. There's a good chance you'll be thoroughly repulsed. However, you can at least say you gave them a fair chance. Plus, there's also the possibility you'll find something you like that you can eat in front of friends and family in order to make them sick!

Good times!

Thoughts on Chili

     I cook chili because of my father. He imparted a great deal of wisdom upon me during his time on Earth. One of his finest nuggets was that if someone did something particularly bad, that person did it "like a man with a paper rectum."

RECTUM? Damn near killed 'em!

     He went to his grave never having adequately explained what that meant. He also told me that being able to make good chili was a very important skill. That was clearly defined for me. The base of his recipe was a simple 1:1 ratio for meat, tomato sauce and beans. 1 pound of meat, 1 28oz can tomato sauce, 1 can kidney beans. He'd normally drag out his cauldron and drop in five pounds of ground beef.  Then he'd work the magic. Onions, green peppers, and the seasonings. My lord, the seasonings. Nothing was off limits. At the very least, a tin of regular chili powder and a tin of hot chili powder were going in. Possibly two of each. I never really got a handle on what all he was throwing in there. It was just enough to watch him go. His favorite thing to add was something called "Desert Dust." It was nothing more than powdered jalapeno.

     When he threw in enough of whatever he wanted to throw in, he'd set it to simmer for a couple hours. Then we'd have a bowl. No cheese. No sour cream. He felt those things were for the weak. He would always serve a loaf of garlic bread on the side. The chili had heat and flavor. It was wonderful. "It's better the next day," he would tell us. He was right. A night in the fridge would take it to another level entirely. We'd eat on that pot of chili for days on end without getting tired of it. He never had a solid recipe for chili. He just had that base and sort of winged it. It was a little different each time, but it never varied too far from the base flavor.  Certain things were off limits in chili for my dad. Cinnamon and chocolate were two things he would never put in chili. If it was served over anything, it was elbow macaroni.

If you don't love chili, you're probably a Communist.

      I love making chili. Over the years my recipe has drifted away from my father's. I add chorizo, take out the pepper, use cumin and liquid smoke.  I play with a lot more seasoning than my father did.  I make it hotter or more mild depending on my audience. I've made it so hot it's caused migraines and one unconfirmed death. I make it because it is a comfort food. Mostly I make it because it reminds me of my dad.

Good times!

Recipe Monday: Shoofly Pie

     I haven't really done much in the way of desserts and I apologize for that. We all love desserts. I have no recollection where I dug up the recipe. If it looks familiar, let me know and I'll give credit where credit is due. This particular dessert is really an acquired tasted. There is no middle ground here. You're going to love it or you're going to hate it. If you try it, let me know which it is.

Shoofly Pie. Tastes A LOT better than it looks.

Ingredients: 

• Pastry Shell 
• 1 ½ cup flour 
• ½ cup margarine 
• 1 cup packed brown sugar 
• 1 tsp. baking soda 
• 1 cup boiling water 
• ½ cup molasses 
• ½ cup honey

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375F. 
2. Sift flower into a large bowl. 
3. Cut in margarine until pea sized. 
4. Stir in sugar. Set mixture aside. 
5. Dissolve baking soda in boiling water. Add molasses and honey. 
6. Pour mixture into pastry shell. 
7. Sprinkle flour mix over the top 
8. Bake at 375F for 10 minutes. 
9. Reduce to 350F and bake for another 25-30 minutes. 
10. Allow to cool before serving.

Weekday Meal Project

     I've been doing a lot more cooking than normal lately, and really enjoying it. We've been eating well and not working too hard to make it happen. During that time, I've heard some naysayers claim it's too expensive to eat healthy. I suppose that depends on your definition of healthy. Organic? Yes, that's expensive. We count calories for the most part in my house. We try to keep sodium and fat down, but if you watch calories, everything else falls into place, more or less.
     For a week I made it a point to cook at least four of the five workdays. I wanted to see if I could make quick meals that were not more than 300 calories. I also wanted to do this without breaking the bank. I'm going to tell you what I cooked each night and give an approximate cost assuming you only had the spices on hand. I am basing costs on shopping at ALDI, Wal-Mart and County Market.

Monday: Shrimp Scampi (two servings). 340 calories with rice.
About $3.50-$4.00 per serving.

Tuesday: I had to work late. Bought two 6-inch subs with a coupon. The subs were around 350-400 calories a piece. $5.50

Wednesday: Orange-Teriyaki Beef and Noodles (two servings). 300 calories.
About $3.50-$4.50 per serving

Thursday: Thai Curry Chicken Soup (3 servings). 210 calories.
About $1.00-$1.50 per serving

Friday: Crab and Spinach Enchiladas (4 servings) 265 calories.
About $2.00-$2.50 per serving

     So there you have it. A work week of meals. Good, healthy foods. Total cost? Somewhere in the range of $14.50-$18.00. That's feeding two people, with two nights having leftovers. Only one meal I cooked went over 300 calories, and that was only 40 over. It's not easy to eat right for not a lot of money. You only need to remember one thing.

Shop Smart.

Good times!

Monday Recipe: Shrimp Scampi

     I've been banging on about the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook for a good reason. Unfortunately, that reason is not a fat sponsorship deal. It is because the recipes are generally quick, easy and never more than 300 calories. I'm going to hit you with another one I was extremely pleased with. As I've been doing of late, any changes to the recipe will be shown in blue.

Shrimp Scampi

Ingredients

• 3/4 lb. deveined and peeled shrimp, thawed if frozen
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 medium green onion, thinly sliced
• 1 clove garlic, finely chopped
• 2t chopped fresh or 1/2t dried basil
• 2t chopped fresh or 1/4t dried parsley
• 1T fresh lemon juice (I used bottled)
• 1/8t salt (omitted)
• 2T shredded Parmesan cheese
• 1/4t red pepper flakes
• 1 cup cooked white rice

Directions

1. Rinse shrimp in cold water and pat dry on paper towel. If the shrimp has a tail, remove if desired (we removed the tails to save for shrimp stock).
2. In a skillet, heat oil over medium heat, 1-2 minutes. Add remaining ingredients except Parmesan cheese. Cook 2-3 minute, stirring frequently, until shrimp are pink. Do not overcook the shrimp or they will become tough. Sprinkle with cheese. (I continued to cook another minute or so after adding the cheese. It resulted in a slightly thicker sauce.)
3. Serve over rice

Serves two. 240 calories per serving (340 with 1/2 cup rice)

Good times!

Bonus Recipe: Orange Teriyaki Beef With Noodles

    Due to the overwhelming response by one person to request I post a pictured meal, I present to you another fine selection from the Betty Crocker 300 Calorie Cookbook.  As I've mentioned before, sometimes I mess around with recipes. Substitutions and omissions happen with alarming frequency. That occurred with this particular recipe. I couldn't have been happier with the results. So, in the interest of full disclosure, I will print the original recipe in black. All changes will show immediately in blue. Here we go:

Orange Teriyaki Beef With Noodles

Ingredients

• 1/2 pound beef sirloin, cut into thin strips (I used stew meat)
• 1 cup reduced sodium beef broth (this dish is crazy sodium packed. I just used water)
• 2T teriyaki sauce
• 1T orange marmalade
• Dash of cayenne pepper (I left this out and substituted a tablespoon of my hot pepper jelly)
• 1/4 cup sugar snap pea pods (omitted and substituted with a red bell pepper and 2 scallions)
• 1/4 cup uncooked fine egg noodles (omitted and substituted with a pack of Ramen noodles. Save the seasoning packet for something else.)
• 1.5t corn starch
• 1.5T cold water

Directions

1. Heat 1T oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Cook beef in skillet for 2 to 4 minutes, stirring occasionally, until brown. Remove from skillet; keep warm.
2. Add broth, stir-fry sauce, marmalade and red pepper to skillet. Heat to boiling. Stir in pea pods and noodles; reduce heat to medium. Cover and cook about 5 minutes or until noodles are tender. (Big changes here. Add broth, teriyaki, marmalade, pepper jelly, pepper and scallion. Bring to boil, reduce heat and simmer for 5-7 minutes.)
3. Cook Ramen noodles as directed, strain and set aside. DO NOT USE THE SEASONING PACKET.
4. In a small bowl, combine corn starch and water. Stir until dissolved. Pour into broth mixture.
5. Stir in beef. Cook uncovered 2-3 minutes or until sauce has thickened.
6. Serve over Ramen.

Serves 2. About 270 calories per serving

Good times!

Things That Piss Me Off To No End

     You may be shocked to discover that I am not always a mild, level-headed person. Hard to believe, but it's true. You'll find I have quite the list of dining-related pet peeves. Here's a few from the comprehensive list of things that piss me off to no end.

INDEED!

Noisy Eaters

I'm glad you're enjoying your food, I really am. The best way to let me know you are enjoying the meal is to say so. I don't want to hear you moaning and groaning as you eat. Also, if you really can't make it through a meal without making a series of loud, smacking noises to show that you are in fact tasting your food, take your plate and go sit outside. If chewing with your mouth closed is difficult, you're sitting outside, too. Seriously, there aren't many things that can put me off my feed. Grotesque noises at the table are among those things that will. I have a friend that I love to death, but listening to him eat is an absolute hardship. I swear to God, I've observed him eat a Fillet-O-Fish and he sounded like the overdub to a porno movie. 

People Who Salt My Meals Before They Even Have A Single Bite

I am always a little offended when this happens. I spend a lot of time putting a meal together. I work to ensure all the ingredients are in harmony. I have plated the food just so. I have put a great deal of work into making sure everything will taste great. Then some jackbag grabs for the salt shaker and commences to start shaking the salt before they even have a taste. Did I miss something? I don't recall inviting any psychics to the meal. If you are prescient enough to know that my food needs more salt, you should be prescient enough to know that I'm going to blow a gasket and chew you out for not at least trying the food first.

My grandmother salted my meal before tasting it, once. ONCE.

People Who Bring Their Electronic Leashes To The Table

I have unfortunately had to institute a very strict rule prohibiting bringing an electronic device to the table. We are here to eat and socialize, not check your phone every three minutes. Nobody at my table does anything for a living that requires them to be on call at all times. Well, maybe one. He works for the police department. Amazingly, that's the only person to never consult his phone at the table. For a while, though, I found myself preparing to serve the table and it was a sea of phones, tablets and laptops. If you can't make it through a meal without checking your phone, stay at home. I consider this amazingly rude and thoughtless and if it kept up, I probably would have whipped a beer bottle at someone's head.

That'll learn ya' to turn the phone off!

Good times!

Recipe Monday: Buffalo Chicken Bake

     The wife and I make it a point to count calories when we plan our meals for the day. To make that process easier, I bought a few cookbooks that specifically limit the caloric count of each recipe. One of the better books we've found is The 300 Calorie Cook Book from Betty Crocker. The original recipe is from the "Meals For Two" section: "Bar-b-q Chicken Bake" (p. 309). We made some changes. We doubled the recipe to four servings. We also swapped out the barbecue sauce for Franks Hot Sauce (any Buffalo-style sauce would work). We also used a 4-cheese Mexican blend instead of the reduced fat cheddar. We had no access to Bisquick Heart Smart, so we used our ALDI brand all-purpose biscuit mix.

     The end result was pretty good. You'll panic at first when you see that the biscuit mix barely covers the bottom of the pans. It rises up during cooking to give you a crust that's about 1/2" and fairly crunchy around the outside. Cook it a bit longer if you don't want the middle to be a touch soggy. As always, changes and notes are in blue.

Buffalo-Chicken Bake

Ingredients

• 2/3 cup all-purpose biscuit mix
• 2T water
• 2 egg whites
• 1 cup cut up cooked chicken (we cooked our chicken in some cayenne pepper paste for extra heat)
• 1/2 cup Franks Hot Sauce (or Buffalo-style hot sauce of choice)
• 1/2 cup shredded Mexican 4-cheese blend

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Spray two 8x4" loaf pans with cooking spray.
2. Cook chicken breasts (doesn't really matter how. Microwave if you want. We fried them in a skillet with our home-made pepper paste). Cut up chicken when done (please try not to poison yourself by not cooking the chicken enough)
3. Stir together biscuit mix, water and egg white; spread half in bottom of each pan.
4. In small bowl, mix chicken and hot sauce. Microwave on high for 1 minute (skip microwaving if you are using the chicken hot from cooking.)  Spoon over batter in pans to within 1/2" of edge; sprinkle with cheese.
5. Bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown; loosen from sides of pan.

Makes 4 servings (2 per pan), about 265 calories per serving. 

Good times!

MCK Product Review: Chef Basket

     As I was browsing the local Dollar Tree, as I am wont to do, I happened upon a rack just stuffed with "As Seen On TV" merchandise. Over two-thirds of it was dominated by a single item. That item was "The Original Chef Basket." Proudly proclaiming itself as a 12 in 1 kitchen tool, it cried out to be purchased. A local townie also stared longingly at the display. I looked at her and asked how we could have possibly lived this long without such a wonder in our kitchen. She nodded and lobbed one into her cart. She imparted these words of wisdom before wandering down the cleaning supply aisle: "Hell, for a buck, why wouldn't you buy it?" Naturally, I bought one. 

How has society advanced this far without one of these?
 

     The box proudly proclaims twelve different functions. That's probably bullshit, so let's focus on the stuff it shows on the front of the box. Steaming, rinse&strain and deep frying. You know what? I'm not dragging out the deep fryer for this test. That's too much work. Plus, my fryer already has a basket. The first test will be steaming. I chopped up some broccoli. What the Hell do you call a bunch of broccoli? Bunch? Group? Bouquet? Really, it's a head of broccoli? It doesn't look like a head at all. That's just stupid. Anyway, I chucked the broccoli in the Chef Basket and set up a pot of water.

Actual steaming in progress. 

      The verdict? It worked fine. No broccoli fell out, and the thing turned into a little basket just like it said. I just flipped it out into a bowl. No muss, no fuss. Next up was the rinse and strain. I took some potatoes and rinsed them off in the basket. Short of the basket self-destructing, it's pretty hard to screw up the "rinse" feature of this thing. I chose to cut up and par-boil the potatoes, which would require straining. I loaded the potatoes in the Chef Basket, which I had propped in the sink.

Try not to pass out from all this excitement. 

     The verdict? It worked fine. No potatoes fell through. That's about all that could have gone wrong. Finally, I cooked up a load of farfalle. I left the basket in the pot of water and poured in the farfalle. I was going to attempt to lift the basket out of the water and set it up for draining, just like on the cover.

I wonder if my good friend Rachel Ray has one of these?

     The verdict? Maybe farfalle wasn't the best pasta to use. The basket has some fairly large spaces for smaller pasta to sneak out. We lost about 15 pieces into the main pot. If you're using this for pasta, I'd stay away from stuff like elbow macaroni or orzo. I was impressed that the handles weren't red hot when I inevitably forgot to use mitts to lift the basket out. They did not really transfer much heat.

     I guess the question I need to answer is did I get my dollar's worth? Well, it does what it shows on the box. It even folds up flat. I suppose if you can find it for a buck, pick one up.

Good times!

Middle Class Wine: St. Gisbertus Pomegranate +Lime Cocktail

     It's no secret that we like our wine in this house. It's also no secret that we like ALDI a great deal, as well. What happens when those two worlds collide and we bring home a new bottle from the store? Let's find out. 

     The liquor section is the first thing you pass in our ALDI, so naturally it is the first place I stop. I was immediately drawn in by this bottle:

It beckoned like a reasonably priced siren.

     St. Gisbertus Pomegranate+Lime Cocktail. The bottle whispered of its delights. "Mild and Sweet," it claimed. "Aromas and flavors of pomegranate with a hint of lime lead to a sweet refreshing finish," it boldly proclaimed. We were sold! It was decided on the spot that this would be the sparkling beverage with which we would toast the New Year!

And at $2.99, what could possibly go wrong?

     As midnight neared, we set up the wine glasses and got ready to get our drink on. On twisting off the fancy plastic/metal-combo cap, I immediately noted the distinct lack of a hiss of escaping carbon dioxide. No bubbles merrily rose to the top of the bottle. I double checked the ingredients. "Carbonated grape wine," right there. It's even the first ingredient. I gave it a hard pour into the glass. I was rewarded with a weak layer of bubbles. No worries. The color was very nice, so I had that going for me.

     I took a quick nose and promptly recoiled. What did I just smell? I couldn't place it, but it was eerily familiar. I knew that I had smelled that smell before, but I could not place it. I found it gravely unsettling. Even the wife cautiously shrugged when I asked her to label the smell. We decided to bravely move forward and give a tentative sip.

     There was immediately a taste that connected strongly with the smell. I can't impress upon you that this was as Lenny would call it, "A Bad Thing." My brain worked desperately to process the information. Why couldn't I place the flavor? It certainly wasn't pomegranate or lime. At the stroke of midnight we drank our final toast, I finally realized what I was smelling and tasting.

Liver sausage.

     I shit you not, this cocktail, was redolent of braunschweiger. I immediately consulted Catholic.org to check out their list of Saints. Let's see, the patron saint of abdominal pain is Erasmus, the patron saint of wine trade is Amand; no way was he involved here. I checked the whole list. No Saint Gisbertus. I scoured the internet for minutes on end. The only Gisbertus I could find in religion was Gisbertus Voetius, and he was a Calvinist!

Wrong Calvin.

     If he was the patron saint of anything, it would be filthy lies and deception. And possibly liver sausage. Actually, no. St. George is the patron saint of butchers, so he probably has that covered. In the end, there was only one thing to do:

You can almost hear the sewer rats gagging.

St. Gisbertus Pomegranate+Lime Cocktail
Available at ALDI for around three bucks.

Smell: Sickly, slightly meaty. Hard to tell, I pulled my head back from the glass pretty quick.
Taste: Cloying, with an overarching braunschweiger theme.
Finish: Not a fucking chance.
Headache the next day?: Yes, from the half bottle of Toasted Caramel Black Velvet Whiskey I drank to get that liver-sausage taste out of my mouth.


Good times!